Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

pope5

Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

pope6

Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz

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Underrated Hottie of the Week

7 03 2013

“Milks done that body good.” -Fat kid from Rookie of the Year

Margaret1

Margaret McPoyle, a hottie? Is this common knowledge? I feel like I might be late to the table on this one given how long the show has been on the air, but I gotta say, when I saw these real life pics of that lip-licking, uni-browed, incestuous sweaty little mute we all know and love from ‘Always Sunny’ they slapped me in the face like a bag of dicks.

But judge for yourself:

Margaret2

Margaret5

I doubt it, but if there is anyone out there not familiar with the McPoyle clan, I’ll throw in a quick run down. They are a very close knit group, too close, in fact, for anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line. This gang of inbred savages has been “keepin ‘er in the fam” for a few too many generations and the effects are starting to show through. Take the main three members for example; Liam, Ryan, and their deaf-mute sister Margaret- three siblings who usually appear together, sweaty and half naked, drink only lukewarm milk and openly engage in acts of coitus with one another.

mcpoyle1

How that is transformed back into this:

margaret6

Is nothing short of a Hollywood miracle.

Margaret’s real name is Thesy Surface, and while there is still a tiny little part of me that is tempted to throw out the term butterface, once you strip her out of that soaking double XL tee, wax that brow and wipe her brothers jizz off her face, that bod alone is certainly enough to qualify her as an underrated hottie in my book.

Thats it.

-GBz





We Miss Hilary Duff

10 01 2013

Hilary-Duff

Real bad, guys. Real bad.

Here’s why. Hilary Duff was like my teen idol. Now days kids have Bieber and Selena and all those flamers in One Direction. That’s about it as far as I can tell. Well let’s rewind to the early 2000s. Teen idols were everywhere. You couldn’t turn around without being introduced to a new 16-24 year old singing or acting sensation that you also probably wanted to bang. Britney. Christina. Mandy Moore. Jessica Simpson. Frankie Muniz. Wait, what? The point is teen idols were easy to come by. Especially for a 14 year old kid who’s permanently semi-chubbed and frequently subjected to watching the Disney channel with his younger sister. And like most young lads, I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out in the crowd. So first I went to Abercromie & Fitch because they help you express yourself and your individuality, guys. Then I latched on to a hot teen sensation. That teen sensation was none other than Hilary Duff. While my friends were jerkin it to Mandy Moore posters, tuggin one out to a google image search of ‘boobs’, all I needed was a VHS copy of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

And make no mistake, I’m not writing this post to rehash my obsessive-compulsive relationship with a Hilary Duff poster I bought at Walgreens. Although incredibly interesting, I’ll leave that out of it. I’m simply taking a trip down memory lane to give you a glimpse of how important Hilary was to my adolescence, and also to remember some sweet shit she did. Then, ultimately, to make the point that she needs to hop back on the scene pronto. Chicks like 25 AND she’s not cruising around smoking crack with Amanda Bynes. Sounds like a recipe for getting back in the spotlight to me.

First of all, she killed it as Lizzie McGuire. I’ll admit I watched a few episodes. C’mon. For a lame disney show it was dy-no-mite. In between SI Swimsuit editions and Friends re-runs where Jennifer Aniston was nipping out (which was like every single episode) I didn’t have many other options.

hilary-duff-as-lizzie-mcguire

When I say babe I mean babe in the eyes of a 12 year old. C’mon, easy fellas.

Following the Lizzie Mac show, she began dominating the big screen in such classics as Agent Cody Banks, Cheaper By The Dozen and A Cinderella Story. I don’t want to sound cocky, but I knew she was going to be a big movie star. Knew it. When people talk about that “it” factor, they think Hilary D.

Soon, however, she grew tired of acting. I mean, who can blame her? It’s like once you climb mount everest you’re pretty much done-zo with the mountain climbing. Same can be said after a three year span during which she was nominated for like 17 Teen Choice Awards. Been there done that. So she decided to flex her golden pipes. And flex, she did.

Remember any of these classics?

Yeah, me too. BANGERS.

Well this takes us up to 2006-2007. After years of being Disney’s sweetheart and a few lame relationships with Aaron Carter and that douche from Good Charlotte, I’d assume Hil needed a break from the spotlight. So she kind of faded from our minds. But certainly NOT from our hearts. Then in 2007, she started dating an NHL player named Mike Comrie. Eventually they tied the knot and last year they had their first child. Let me take a break from describing Hilary Duff’s personal life to you to ask what’s with all these NHL dudes snagging up all the hotties? First that NHL dude married Candice Cameron from Full House, who by the way is a total babe these days. Then Hilary Duff got snagged up by Mike Comrie. Who, let’s be honest, looks like a young-douchey version of Dan Aykroyd. And just recently I saw that LA Kings star Jarret Stoll is currently running through some of the hottest chicks of our day. Even though very few people care about the sport, it’s clearly good to be a hockey player. Damn.

Anyways, just the other day Hil Duff instagrammed some super sexy photos of her new crazy workouts to shed the baby weight, since she popped out her Duff jr. just last year. Check em out here. I’ll be honest it looks like she’s exercising in some painting scaffolds but whatever. She’s clearly still as flexible as I imagined she’d be all those years ago. This is good news because as I mentioned earlier, most of the early 2000s teen sensations aaaaren’t doing so hot these days. Jessica Simpson is a blimp, Christina Aguilera is nasty as hell, Lindsay Lohan should be in everyone’s death pool and Britney went off the deep end years ago. Honestly, I kind of expected it. Especially the part where Hilary Duff emerged relatively unscathed. I mean, duh-ff, right? She was clearly the best one of them all.

Well in hopes that Hil dog is reading this very post, from everyone here at the Mime, please come back in the spotlight, Ms. Duff. Please. We miss you, girl. Like an AIDS patient misses their white blood cell count. So, yeah. A LOT. Maybe kick things off with Lizzie McGuire 2: Back In Tha Game? We’ll write the script!

 

– JD





It’s All About The Little Things In Life Guys

4 01 2013

the little things

In line with the time of year, I’ve been hearing a lot about how one of the most popular New Year’s resolutions this year is to take time to appreciate the little things in life more. We might’ve dodged a bullet with that Mayan apocalypse false alarm, but don’t think we’ll get so lucky when the ancient Mesopotamians start armageddon predictions. Life is short. Dance like nobody’s watching. Sometimes it’s the little stuff that matters the most. We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses. And on and on the facebook statuses and tweets go.

Well, you’re certifiably insane if you think I’m not getting in on this trendy New Year’s Resolution ASAP. If all the cool kids are doing it, then you know your boy JD is on board. January 1-3, wasn’t so good, but today I ran across something that’s going to kick off the new me with a bang. A little thing I could really appreciate.

verne troyer

A glorious picture of Verne Troyer riding a majestic steed in Australia. If you’re blind, let me describe the picture to you. Mini-me’s rocking a mini cowboy hat, a red mini cowboy shirt with some sick ass flames and what looks to be a pair of mini timbos all while atop a miniature horse. It’s a fantastic picture. And one that certainly spurred me to start paying attention to the little things more often, you know, finally come through on one of my NY resolushs. Hey McGriddle, quit being a sarcastic dick. We get it, he’s “little” and you’re “appreciating” him. A picture of a midget riding a horse doesn’t count. Wrong, my friends. It actually does. Because here’s the thing. Until about 20 minutes ago I had totally forgotten that Verne Troyer even existed. Wasn’t even on my radar any more. In fact, I was pretty sure I heard he died after the third Austin Powers movie. But because of this photo he’s back on my mental dashboard.

And this is great news because keep in mind Verne Troyer is an absolute beast. Dudes 2’8″ and he’s 100 times the man I’ll ever be. Let’s review why.

Verne started out as a stuntman in such classics as Dunston Checks In, Jingle All The Way, Volcano,  Men In Black, and Mighty Joe Young. Last I checked being a stuntman is cool, but being a midget stuntman is the COOLEST. And Verne wasn’t some lowly stuntman in a few direct to VHS movies nobody’s seen, he was clearly in some 90s classics.

He then rose to extreme-super fame by playing Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movie series. Verne already had being a famous midget stuntman on his resume, but he wanted more. Like how about being the most famous midget on the planet?

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Yay yay!

Following such an iconic role, a lot of times actors fall off. Not Verne. Dude kept bringing the entertainment heat. Take for instance his time on VH1’s Surreal Life in 2005. Though he was competing in a house with in your face personalities like Omarosa, and Peter Brady and Janice Dickinson, you know Verne emerged as the star of the show. And that was entirely due to the time he got wasted and cruised around nude and blacked out on his scooter, took a wiz in the workout room and passed out. Classic.

verne-troyer1_176720m

Following that, he laid low for a few years, one can only assume he was chilling in his mansion with supermodels scurrying around and what not. But then in 2008, he was back on the scene with a sex tape. And what a sex tape it was. Bro might only be tops a foot tall but don’t think he’s not packing a sledge hammer.

After decades of providing millions of people with premium quality midget-entertainment, Verne’s slowed his career as of late. Don’t blame him. The little dude has gotta be exhausted and in desperate need of a nap. But you can be sure he’ll pop up every now and then to remind everyone who’s the king of the little people.

Verne_Troyer_crop

Well Verne, I’m sorry I forgot all about you buddy. Won’t happen again, I can guarantee you that. Thanks for helping me get one step closer to achieving my new year’s resolution. Because after all, one day I’ll look back and realize the little things were actually the….ahh fuck it.

 

– JD





The Mime Turns One

4 01 2013

First-Birthday

 

That day is upon us, America. Everyone put down your excel spreadsheet and pick up some confetti and a glass of bubbly. Let’s toast to everyone’s favorite comedy blog turning the big 1. It’s been a wild first year to say the least. I already laid out the best of TODM in 2012 a few weeks ago. If you haven’t had a chance to take a peek at it, check it out here. I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since I first wandered onto wordpress that cold January night last year, but let’s be honest, we really haven’t. The only day we managed to go over 1,500 pageviews was coincidentally during Hurricane Sandy’s wrath. So I have to assume either all our East Coast Mime compadres were hunkered down reading OW’s while riding out the storm, or a pack of sewer rats canoed into a server at the wordpress headquarters and jacked up our view count. Let’s hope it was the first one, because possibility of a pack of sewer rats learning to commandeer a canoe and terrorize the streets is pretty damn frightening.

Like any one year old, we’ve certainly learned a lot since our birth. I’d say the most important thing we’ve learned is that ex-cons are extremely unreliable bloggers to have on staff. Christ, I still haven’t seen HAM Sangwich walk through Mime headquarters doors once. As far as I know he’s more concerned with going to “law school” and “learning” and “furthering his career” and “making money”. Hey, his loss right? Plus don’t get me going on 5Piece. If dude betrays the mime once more we’re going to have to burn off his mime tramp stamp and exile him from the club. I get it, I get it, I’ve bitched enough publicly about how awfully unreliable every single mime writer besides the chup man is. Been there, done that, got like twelve t-shirts, right?

Enough negative shit. Let’s talk turkey and by turkey I mean the upcoming year. As you can imagine, we’ve got some exciting shit planned for 2013. Don’t get too comfy because just when you think you’ve got the mime all figured out, BOOM! we take a sharp left turn and your mind is blown. Just when you’re getting sick of reading about that new Adrian Brody movie, KAPOW! condiment king drops a Brazzers porno review all up in your grill. Just when the underrated hottie isn’t giving you a chubby any more, SHA-WING! an unexpected hottie has you busting through your corduroys. Now I don’t want to spoil too many of the surprises, so stay tuned. There’s also a rumor on the street that the mime’s own Green Eggz n Pink Ham got promoted and will soon be contributing more. Can’t say for sure as the kid is straight ninja like in his public appearances. No joke he appears in the middle of the night, spins a couple anthems on the ones and twos and disappears for 8 months. Guess that’s what happens when you’z a east coast kingpin.

Anyways, thanks for reading for exactly one year now. We appreciate the support.

 

In honor of the special day, our boy R had a little something to say.

 

 

– JD

 

 





The Mime Year in Review

27 12 2012

2012YIR

The new year is almost upon us. 2013 is right around the corner. New years eve is a mere few days away. It’s also the Thursday after Christmas. If you’re like me, you have to work today and your office is a ghost town. Pretty sure a tumbleweed just rolled by my desk. But I’ll spare you the pain of listening to me bitch about how pointless it is to work today and instead, let’s dive into this post.

With 2013 a couple days away, we’ve got some time to reflect on the great year that was 2012. Some great things happened in 2012. New people emerged, new trends were born, new products were introduced. But what was the greatest thing to come out of 20 aught 12? Was it the iPhone 5? Gagnam Style? One Direction? No, idiots. You’re looking right at it. Because on January 9, 2012 the Mime was born, and on that day, I submit, the internet changed forever. Duh you submit that shit, JD, you created the Mime. I sure as hell did, champ, now shut the hell up and let me talk for a minute.

It’s hard to believe that it’s nearly been a year since the Mime breathed its first internet-breath. It seems like just yesterday we were a tiny, virtually unknown and unvisited wanna-be comedy blog on wordpress. Man, how times have changed. Since then, we’ve added a few writers, and had quite a few laughs. If you’ve been with us since the start, we appreciate the support. If you accidentally landed on us looking up Saving Silverman quotes on tumblr, thanks for stopping by and we’re sorry for the disappointment. And if this is somehow your first visit, get with the fucking times, bro! TODM is making waves, and if you’re not on board, you’re either gay or in jail. Or both. You’re a gay jailbird.

In honor of the great year that was, let’s look back at the top fifteen mime posts of the year. Now, bear with me as I sift through all the classic journalistic masterpieces we’ve featured and if you disagree, feel free to tell us about your favorite post in comment section below! Or go never come back and request the Mime be blocked by your employer, whatever works.

15. Baby Makin’ Music

Basically the post that started it all. Think of it as the first of the Mohicans, if there was such a man. If there was he was probably was pretty bored, now that I think about it. All Mohican and hanging by himself in the woods. Damn, how do I spread my Mohican seed? Oh hey pretty Mohican lady, let’s start a tribe. Boom history. Anyways, this post is good for spreading seed. And not bird seed at the arboretum, if you catch my drift.

14. Corporate Jargon That Makes Me Want to Swan Dive Off The Roof Of My Office Building

Sonion Rings much anticipated Mime debut. Amidst a shitastic job an employer that will be left unnamed, Sonny let his anger spew on the pages of the Mime like Dan Brown writing the Da Vinci Code II: The Da Vinci Rubiks Cube. Definitely a great post to come back to after Carol in HR tells you to “blast one out your ass and sign the damn 401K paperwork already, I needed it last Tuesday for christsake”, whatever that means.

13. Best Beards In The Biz: Part II

Best Beards Part I was pretty legit, but it felt unfinished. Like shaving only one ball. Felt incomplete. Then part two came along and made things right. Paid homage to soul patches and mutton chops and 5 o’clock shadows.

12. Let’s Talk About ‘Flight’ 

A month ago TODM’s resident movie buff, Kleinz 57 took his movie reviewing to a whole new level when he dropped his exclusive interview with the one and only Denzel Washington. D-zel was a bit preoccupied, I can assume the interview took place on some sort of yacht or maybe at Ruby Tuesdays, but the scoop the chup man dug up was priceless.

11. Feel Good Story of the Day: T.I. Saves Scott Stapp

Here at the Mime we do a lot of bitching. OW’s, this week in America’s worst jobs, critical movie breakdowns, a lot of negative shit. Well in early October, a feel good story came out that nearly blew the pubes right off my sac. A rapper and a hard rocker, coming together in the weirdest of situations. It was magic.

10. The Pekcorcism of Jeremy Lin

While the entire world was collectively creaming themselves for a month and a half straight over Linsanity last winter, Minnesota Timberwolves fans were getting a taste of their own minority sensation (if being Montenegrin is a minority). It seemed Jeremy Lin’s NBA takeover overshadowed even the largest of European giants pummeling bitches in snowy Minnesota. Luckily, 5 Piece Thuggets, TODM’s resident super-slacker, was there to drop some knowledge.

9. G.O.O.D. Music = Miami Heat

In mid September Green Eggz N Pink Ham returned from his summer-long sabbatical of teaching Nepalese children how to pop lock it drop it in the Mountains. He proceeded to drop a spot on comparison of Kanye West’s uber douche music crew aka G.O.O.D. Music with the Miami Heat. The rest was comedy gold.

8. Rap-letes: The Greatest Hits

Originally intended to be released as a limited edition compilation album, this super-list of the best athlete-turned-rapper songs was an instant classic. Rap-letes are consistently under appreciated in the American music industry and it only seemed right to drop something that aimed to change that trend. Well it didn’t at all, but don’t tell me there weren’t some classics in there.

7. OW: Are You F-king Kidding Me?

Among the many segments I’ve tried to implement here on the mime, Overreaction Wednesdays is the only one that seemed to really click, and by click I mean is actually enjoyed by our readers. Well in mid April, HuffPo dropped a story literally about a town called Fucking. Hilarious right? We thought so too.

6. Overreaction Wednesday: Graduation

One thing we like to do on the mime is spread knowledge, especially to our younger readers. In this OW, 5 Piece throws down a sort of warning to the hell that is the day you finally graduate from college. Delay it as long as you can, guys. Delay it.

5. TBS: C’mon, they’re trying really hard and stuff…

I love to shred TBS for their terrible original programming. So when I heard about their horrendous new lineup (See: The Wedding Band) I nearly shat myself with excitement to write an article ripping them a new one. TBS, if you’re reading this, keep trying fellas. You’ll get there. Hey at least Conan fell in your lap.

4. Overreaction Wednesdays: Bikram Yoga

Over the last 12 months we’ve learned that writing about your own personal experiences usually produces the funniest stuff. Well Sonny Ringz embodied that theory to the fullest when he dropped an OW classic on his Bikram yoga session from hell.

3. OW: Week of the Glory Hole 

On the first of August, the stars aligned in a magically glory hole related way, and yet another premium OW was born. Everybody knows glory holes are hilarious, but who knew that a week during which two separate glory hole references would be unearthed is absolutely hysterical? Not I, that’s for sure. Not I.

2. Mantivities: Gotta Get This Shit Done

Around mid-May I started to get the feeling this blog was getting a little fruity. I’m talking posts about fashion, frequent gay dude references and I think someone compared us to a bowl of gay fruit. Needless to say, I needed to man up in a major way. So following a weekend of chopping timber in the northwoods, the mime dropped a checklist of mantivities to complete by year’s end. Didn’t quite make it.

1. The Ultimate Family

When people look at various legendary athlete’s careers there’s usually a defining moment when they go from a good player to a star. Well here at the mime we look at the ultimate family post as that moment. When we went from a lame, unoriginal blog to a freakin comedy legend, minus the legend part. Followed by The Ultimate School and The Ultimate Company, the ultimate fam laid a swag foundation on which we’ve built this blogosphere masterpiece.

 

Top to bottom, not too shabby a list. It’s been a great year, and hopefully the first of many for the mime. Look for some limited edition mime t-shirts within the next couple months.

 

Happy New Year everybody!

 

– JD





Royal Baby Name Suggestions

14 12 2012

royal baby

So the whole world has been freaking out over last week’s news that Kate Middleton is pregnant. I know I can hardly control my excitement. I’ve basically been running around blasting people in line at CVS with confetti, chewin on bubblegum cigars all day. Name a celebration, I’m probably doing it. Because when you think about it, it’s some of the best news the world has heard in a long time. And not only is it great news, it’s also news of the utmost importance. I mean the Duchess of Cambridge is preggo! I’m no British royalty expert but last I checked she’s like first in line to be the queen of middle earth once that old bag Queen Elizabeth II finally kicks the bucket. That means she can make all kinds of important worldly decisions like uniting the globe and solving world hunger and leading the Cleveland Browns back to the top of the NFL.

But why is Kate being pregnant such big news, JD? First of all, don’t question my tactics cuz. I won’t hesistate to neutralize your groin, and you can bet your bottom dollar on that. Second, it’s big news for like 20 reasons. Since she’s next in line to be the reigning queen of the universe, once the baby comes, she’ll have a miniature royal minion to do all her bitch work. Also, she’s obviously hot as hell, and Prince William ain’t no scrub either, no homo, so expect this baby to be straight up beautiful. I’m talking sex appeal to the moon. So once the kid is like 10, and all disciplined from doing mommy’s busy work, he/she will be ready to take on the world, one fashion runway at a time.

It’s also big news because it drops Prince Harry further down the line of inheriting the throne. Prince Harry, or H-bone as I call him, is the only one left keeping it real in the royal castle or whatever that giant house they live in is called. The whole family is all proper and polite. All dressed up nice and what not. Price William is wifed up, Prince Charles has been a boner since day one, and I’ve already called the queen an old bag so no change there. P-rince Harrison is the royal family’s only source of comedic relief and much needed drama. We’ve all heard what he’s been up to lately, playing nude pool in Vegas, dressing up like a Nazi, the kid is a wild card. Without him rolling around,  plowing babes and getting into shenanigans young people would lose interest in the royal family and eventually they’d fade into irrelevance. So once this baby is born, he’ll drop to like 49th on the list, and should be free to continue tarnishing the royal image night in and night out.

Lastly, it’s important because it turns Kate Middleton into the ultimate MILF. Right now she’s just a hot British babe who happens to be married to Prince William. Big whoop. Boooooring. Sure, she’s hot but so are like a billion other chicks. Fast forward to her having this kid, and some of you might be thinking dude, when chicks have kids their body goes to shit. Yeah true, for normal people. Keep in mind she’s the Duchess of Cambridge, fellas. She has like 97 personal trainers ready to get that bod tight as ever the minute she pops er out. She’ll be MILF’in it up around the globe and I think that’s something we all can appreciate.

While all of that I just wrote is important, it’s not nearly as important as the name of this baby. This baby’s name should be on the top of everybody in the world’s concern list up until the day it’s born. Of course, in standard royal British bullshit tradition everyone is thinking they’ll go with something standard like Philip or John or Charles or Edward. But guess what? I think they won’t. This is 2012. Baby names are crazy these days. Everyone’s naming their kids Jaquizz and Splenda and Horton. You can’t flip open an Entertainment Weekly without reading about some new wild baby name. So, if I know Kate and Willy like I think I do, they’re going to break the mold with this one. But. As is the case with any big decision, they probably need a little help. So the mime is here to toss out a few suggestions. Take em or leave em, Kate. Just throwing them out there.

 

Boy Names

Randy – Good, strong, powerful name.

Nickleback – Honor the band AND shorten it up, boom it’s Prince Nick.

Cap’n Uppercut – Says I’m royal but I’ll also kick your ass.

Blue – When he’s 80 this one will be totally worth it.

Green – Seems like throwing another color in there was a decent idea.

Carl Fist-A-Cuffs – Scary name. Real scary. People would be scared by how much they’re scared by Prince Carl

Toddington – Figured I’d throw a proper name in there.

Brody – This name is so hot right now. Plus, then him and Brody Jenner can be BFFs.

Chester – Guaranteed to be a boss.

 

Girl Names

Baby Spice – What better way to honor what I imagine was Kate’s favorite Spice girl?

Lysol – Very versatile name, works well if she winds up being a lesbo.

Mary Lou Ann Lynn – Nice ring to it.

Fern – Says I’m royal but I’m also concerned with global warming.

Madison – I just feel like everyone loves this name these days.

Grapefruit – Read an article a while back that naming your daughter after fruit is all the rage.

Lillian – I just flat out like that name. Rugrats yo.

Brynmawr – Make people struggle to pronounce it. Make them struggle.

Beauty- Might fall in love with a beast, but that’s a risk you should be willing to take.

 

Happy name hunting to the both of you! Don’t forget to tell your old pal JD ahead of time what you pick. And hey, keep me in mind for that godfather nod.

 

– JD