Toy Story 3: Not Quite The Feel Good Movie of our Generation

19 08 2013

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I know normally you guys look to our movie guru, Kleinz Five Sev, for all your movie review needs, but since the mime is on the verge of irrelevance, I figured I’d drop a quick movie review of my own, get back to my blogging roots. Quick side note: for those of you wondering where the hell we’ve been all summer the answer is simple, I have no clue. Places? Doing…stuff? Bottom line is we’ve been gone, and I apologize for that. I know some of you count on the mime for your daily written entertainment, without the mime you’d slip into a severe depression and maybe lock yourself in a closet never to see the light of day again. Well if that’s the case, I’d probably find a new website. But, hey, thanks for the support!

Alright, now to the matter at hand, Toy Story 3. Ya boy spent his Sunday evening yesterday watching the third installment of this “American Classic” and let me start by saying, sweet moses it was not what I expected. By that I mean, spoiler alert, shit was mad sad, yo. Straight depressing, B. I’m talking right up there with Ladder 49 sad (R.I.P Joaquin…we hardly knew ye). First off, when I think of Toy Story I think of feel good flick of the year. I think of Randy Newman singing about friendship, and I think about the homey Woody, keeping it real. Well throw all that shit out the window, because in Toy Story 3 it’s all about the harsh reality of  being a toy.

To start, Andy is going to college. Holy lord. I remember when he was like four. So there’s that. Makes ya feel real old even before the damn thing begins. And, as expected, his mom is cleaning the shit out of his room. We’ve all been there…hide the porn, amiright?? Yada, yada, he needs to either throw out the toys or their going up in the attic. Andy wants to toss em in the attic but his mom thinks he meant to throw them out…BOOM, toys are pissed. They think Andy turned on them, and rightfully so. Kid is kind of a dick now. So they hitch a ride to the nearest daycare, which turns out to be some sort of concentration camp for toys. Dark stuff, right? They’re forced into manual labor by a fat purple bear and a Ken doll. Buzz gets brainwashed, and Barbie is busy slutting it up with Ken. It’s a real mess.

Turns out, the purple bear had some life-altering horrible experience when he was younger, totally fucked up his mind, hence why he’s an evil douche now. Long story short, they try to escape, it doesn’t go so hot, they wind up at the toy incinerator (is this a real thing?) Couple aliens operating a crane save the day and Andy donates all his toys to some new chick down the street.

Moral of the story? I’m not really sure to be honest. Toys will get thrown out some day?

Just seemed kind of dark for a Toy Story flick, but then again they always toe the line between feel good story and tear-jerker. I remember when that pyro kid down the block tried to blow up buzz in the first Toy Story I cried for like three days straight. So I get it, but at the same time I don’t get it at all. The message the fine folks at Pixar are sending is A) toys are real, living creatures B) If you neglect them they’ll get super sad and C) If you lose a toy chances are it’ll turn into an evil control freak and start up a trail of tears camp at the nearby day care.

So bravo, Pixar. Hell of a sequel. Can’t wait for Toy Story 4: Zombie Toy Resurrection.

 

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