Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

pope5

Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

pope6

Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz

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