Here at the TODM offices we pride ourselves on being calm, cool, collected cats. We navigate this hostile blogosphere with poise, class, and a pantload of swag. Pumping out tasty chunks of rhetoric like absolute G’s. You know how many times per day I’m mistaken for Prince Harry? Seven. It’s an average of seven times. I mean sure he’s no Dave Coulier but shit the guy’s a looker and his brother is pokin Kate Middleton. Which means I indirectly poke Kate Middleton. 6 degrees of separation or something. Thing is, beneath that seemingly impenetra-impentrate-imp-impenetrab…beneath that seemingly thick layer of composure there’s vulnerability. Vulnerability to overreact.
Yeah, I had a muthaflippin overreaction the other day. And here’s the umbrella issue: I don’t like participating in activities where my skills fall into the bottom 5 percentile when compared to the general public. And in these cases, the general public may include lepers, amputees, and infants. I just can’t be in that bottom 5. Which doesn’t leave me many options in the way of extracurriculars.
Anyways, I bored another hole into my lack-of-talent belt the other day when I made the near fatal mistake of thinking my current health would sustain me through a 60 minute session of Bikram Yoga. If you’re straight and haven’t heard of it, it’s Yoga but on the surface of the Sun. That should have been my red flag right there. Who was the dick that suggested taking an already impossible workout and adding unbearable heat? That wouldn’t fly in any other situation. “Yea Bill this conference room is fine but we’d rather review the Q3 numbers in the Nairobi desert.” It makes zero sense.
I’m going to Tarantino this shitty story a bit and tell you that I didn’t make it the full hour. No chance. I had batwings after five minutes, a near heat stroke after fifteen, and squeezed a fart out after twenty. It was a silent one, I’m not rude. I ended up leaving a half hour early for the following reasons:
1) I had no idea how to ‘Let the energy escape through (my) fingertips’.
At first I thought our instructor was making a masturbation reference but no one was laughing…or masturbating. The commentary was so pointless I couldn’t even stand it. This lady’s second job had to have been printing nature scene t-shirts or selling shots of wheatgrass. Too weird, I couldn’t get my chi centered with all that BS being slung at me.
2) I lost 95% of the moisture in my body and was beginning to hallucinate.
My God, the positions they were trying to get out of us were ridiculous. “Now detach your leg and itch your neck with your big toe” was probably the toughest, I’d say.
3) The class was mostly dudes.
4) My friend was far better at it than I was.
I wasn’t going to accept the humiliation of watching this kid absolutely demolish an Advanced Warrior II while I sat on my thumb in Child’s Pose. I took the high road and left with my tail between my legs.
In retrospect I should have stuck it out. There’s a good chance I would have passed away but at least I could have said I voluntarily walked into Hell and didn’t back down. I admit it, I overreacted.
Looks like I’ll have to add this to the list of things I’ve quit on before even completing once:
– 6 Saltine challenge
– Satisfying a woman
– Bikram Yoga