Best Beards In The Biz

24 02 2012

Facial Hair. Separating the men from the boys since God perfected the ‘wise old man’ beard all those years ago. Since wizards of folklore decided having a shimmering masterpiece hanging from your face automatically makes you good at magic. Since humans noticed goats had a pretty sweet thing going with that whole tuft of hair hanging from their chins and decided to hop on board.

Most of us can’t open a history book without being reminded of how terrible we are at growing facial hair. One quick peek at Charles Darwin’s glorious beard and I’m reminded to never attempt a no shave November again. Its like history is telling me, “Buddy, give up already. Nobody wants to see you looking like Wayne Newton shaved his ass cheeks and glued the hairs to your upper lip.” On the other hand, some of us, mostly of the Persian variety, get 5-o’clock shadows ten minutes after breakfast. Those who’s faces produce more hair than a Locks of Love factory are truly given a wonderful gift.

You see, on a whim one of these ‘Beard Connoisseurs’ can decide to perfect any number of facial hair styles.

Your chick wants a mustache ride? Give me 30 hours, babe.

You were drafted in the MLB as a middle innings reliever? Gimme a week to grow this tits goatee.

Suddenly converted to Hasidic Judaism? Lemme get those curly sideburns poppin ASAP.

It’s flat out too easy for dudes like that. Unfortunately unless you’re a lumberjack, celebrity or lovable hobo, society tends to frown upon badass facial hair. For everyone who licks corporate America’s long wang on a weekly basis, we know all too well that going into the office looking like Papa Smurf is generally frowned upon. Instead, we have to spend 16 grand per 4 Gillette Fusion razor head replacements to shave every day. Even worse, most females these days tend to go for a clean shaven man. Sure in the 70s you couldn’t get laid by a lamp shade unless you had a legit ‘stache, now-a-days acceptable facial hair styles are few and far between with the ladies. Trust me, I’ve tried them all. I guess getting batted in the face with a Scott Ian from Anthrax-esque goatee isn’t exactly a woman’s favorite thing. Weird, I know. Guess that’s just bitches for ya.

Now, as I said earlier, celebrities are an exception. Those lucky cock smooches can pretty much do whatever they want with facial hair, whenever they want.

At the Mime we are always looking to praise people for shit. That’s just how we roll. We’re freakin saints. We also like to rip on people for shit. Play devils advocate, upset some folks, get real for a minute. So in honor of me randomly noticing the OKC Thunder’s own James Harden and his magical beard last night, TODM presents:

Best Beards (and various other facial hair) In The Biz:

Top Mustaches

THIS GUY – Best Stache

Guy holds the current record for longest mustache in world. At first I thought Pauly Sr. spot welded some handlebars from one of his choppers to this guys face. Nope. Thats hair.

HULK HOGAN – Best American Stache

Guys been rockin the bleach blonde horseshoe stache for like 50 years. Probably tickled his mom on the way out.

YOSEMITE SAM – Best Ginger Stache

Mustache OG. I mean the dudes entire face is made of hair. Kind of like one of those super hairy she-wolf chicks I read about, only Sammy’s a hilarious bumbling cowboy with a heart of gold.

DAVID CROSBY – Best Walrus Stache

Had to double take and make sure this wasn’t a National Geographic picture of a walrus wearing a leather jacket. I gotta imagine eating was a struggle.

MJ – Best Somehow Acceptable Hitler Stache

I guess if you’re the greatest basketball player of all time it doesn’t matter what style you rock. I mean nobody’s gonna call out MJ to his face, he’d just 360 dunk a knife into your dick and that’d be the end of it.

EMPEROR CHENGZONG OF YUAN – Best Heroin Dealer Stache

Straight up changing the game. Dude locked the heroin dealer look down before it was even cool. I’m talking 1200s shit. Also looks like he was first to market on the fireman’s hat trend and he had the pearl earrings trend on lock. Move over Kate Middleton, theres a new fashionista in town.

Top Goatees

GUY FIERI – Best Douchey Goatee

Nothin much to be said about this porcupine fuck. I hope that he goes to the salon weekly just to get that strip down the middle bleached. “Dammit, Guy Fieri’s back for his weekly goatee re-douching, who wants to handle it this time?”

KENNY POWERS – Best MLB Closer Goatee

Words can’t justify how perfect it is. Danny Mac-B nailed the stereotype to perfection.

JA’FAR – Best Evil Villain Goatee

This exactly the type of goat that says I’m a Middle Eastern tool looking to steal your girlfriend and bore you to death with my annoying parrot. So, for Jafar it works pretty well.

BRAD PITT – Best Pretending To Be A Mountain Man Goatee

I’ll tell you one thing. Better be ready to explain your journeys to breast feed war torn Chimps in Nepal in great detail if you decide to tie off a couple strands of your goat with beads. That shit screams humanitarian. The thing is B Pitt is so cool he can do it and the entire world will be like, ohh Brad Pitt is such a compassionate human. If I tried to grow something like that I wouldn’t be able to go within 400 yards of any pre-schools.

ALEXI LALAS – Best Ginger Goatee

Dude was a US soccer stud before anyone gave a flying butt fuck about soccer (not sure if people do now, but thats not the point). Perfect isosceles triangle shape. Just goin geometric facial hair all up in Brazil’s grillstation.

JIM ROME – Best Personality Matching Goatee

I’d like to reference a Frank Caliendo Fox NFL Sunday sketch. Just a harsh goatee. That’s the best description I can give. Romey wouldn’t be the angry douche that he is without it.

Top Sideburns

GENERAL AMBROSE BURNSIDE – Best OG Sideburns

For those who paid attention in various US history classes, you should remember this legend. All that needs to be said is dude, as far as I’m concerned, was the FIRST to rock this look. Hence the name.

ELVIS PRESLEY – Best Mainstream Sideburns

If General Burnside was the pioneer, then Elvis was the poster child. Took what Ambie Burnside started, put some style on it and turned it into a revolution.

LUDACRIS – Best Suave Sideburns

Then Luda comes on the scene straight suavin out the burns marketplace. Couldn’t tell if this shit was cut or sharpied on, either way looks smoother than those And1 Silky Smooth bball kicks. (remember those shits?)

JOE DIRT – Best Redneck Sideburns

If Hulk Hogan was the American epitome of a mustache then Joe Dirt had red, white and blue sideburns out the ass. Might’ve been Davey Spade’s greatest on screen character? Joe’s got my vote.

JOE MAUER – Best Clean Cut Sideburns

Yeah, yeah Joe’s burns don’t compare, I get it. Guess what? I’m from MN so he automatically makes the list. I mean they did goddamn ‘Joe Mauer Sideburns Night‘ at the Metrodome once. Definition of crisp sideburns.

Top Beards

GRIZZLY ADAMS – Best Most Referenced Beard

Guy’s beard is stuff of legend. Everyone knows it. Shit, I don’t even know what he did, I just know he had a killer beardpiece.

FATHER TIME – Best Shimmering White Beard

Papa T’s beard is a curse and a blessing. If you look directly into it your eyes explode. Major intimidation factor but I heard he’s lacking in the friend category. Flava Flav owes this guy major props for blazing the trail for dudes who want to roll around with oversized clocks all day long.

PAUL BUNYAN – Most Dense Beard

Rumor has it a band of Ojibwa got lost near the southernmost point of his chin and were never seen again.

THE GENIE FROM ALADDIN – Best Douchey Chinstrap Beard

The Genie was a cool cat, so he could pull it off. Everyone else with a chinstrap, maybe think about not having facial hair like a fucking dickhead

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS – Best Ginger Beard

If you’re like me, up until The Hangover he was ‘the bearded dude from Out Cold who got his ween stuck in the hot tub’. Now he’s a bearded sensation. Pretty sure nobody’s ever seen him clean shaven.

BEARDED DRAGON – Best Animal Beard

Fiercest muh-fugga in the reptile kingdom. Probably the result of his BEARD MADE OF SPIKES.

What, you ask, have we learned? Facial hair rules. Simple as that. Obviously we missed some categories such as the Neard (neck beard), the Mutton Chops, the Soul Patch, etc. Stay tuned for part II. Oh and if you think we missed an obvious person, too bad. This shit is final.

-JD (with help from Sonion Rings)

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2 responses

29 03 2012
Best Beards In The Biz: Part II «

[…] properly respec’in facial hair and all its’ glory, along the way. Sadly, it seems Best Beards in the Biz failed to hit all categories on its’ first trip round the block. Can’t have that […]

27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] Best Beards Part I was pretty legit, but it felt unfinished. Like shaving only one ball. Felt incomplete. Then part two came along and made things right. Paid homage to soul patches and mutton chops and 5 o’clock shadows. […]

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