Royal Baby Name Suggestions

14 12 2012

royal baby

So the whole world has been freaking out over last week’s news that Kate Middleton is pregnant. I know I can hardly control my excitement. I’ve basically been running around blasting people in line at CVS with confetti, chewin on bubblegum cigars all day. Name a celebration, I’m probably doing it. Because when you think about it, it’s some of the best news the world has heard in a long time. And not only is it great news, it’s also news of the utmost importance. I mean the Duchess of Cambridge is preggo! I’m no British royalty expert but last I checked she’s like first in line to be the queen of middle earth once that old bag Queen Elizabeth II finally kicks the bucket. That means she can make all kinds of important worldly decisions like uniting the globe and solving world hunger and leading the Cleveland Browns back to the top of the NFL.

But why is Kate being pregnant such big news, JD? First of all, don’t question my tactics cuz. I won’t hesistate to neutralize your groin, and you can bet your bottom dollar on that. Second, it’s big news for like 20 reasons. Since she’s next in line to be the reigning queen of the universe, once the baby comes, she’ll have a miniature royal minion to do all her bitch work. Also, she’s obviously hot as hell, and Prince William ain’t no scrub either, no homo, so expect this baby to be straight up beautiful. I’m talking sex appeal to the moon. So once the kid is like 10, and all disciplined from doing mommy’s busy work, he/she will be ready to take on the world, one fashion runway at a time.

It’s also big news because it drops Prince Harry further down the line of inheriting the throne. Prince Harry, or H-bone as I call him, is the only one left keeping it real in the royal castle or whatever that giant house they live in is called. The whole family is all proper and polite. All dressed up nice and what not. Price William is wifed up, Prince Charles has been a boner since day one, and I’ve already called the queen an old bag so no change there. P-rince Harrison is the royal family’s only source of comedic relief and much needed drama. We’ve all heard what he’s been up to lately, playing nude pool in Vegas, dressing up like a Nazi, the kid is a wild card. Without him rolling around,  plowing babes and getting into shenanigans young people would lose interest in the royal family and eventually they’d fade into irrelevance. So once this baby is born, he’ll drop to like 49th on the list, and should be free to continue tarnishing the royal image night in and night out.

Lastly, it’s important because it turns Kate Middleton into the ultimate MILF. Right now she’s just a hot British babe who happens to be married to Prince William. Big whoop. Boooooring. Sure, she’s hot but so are like a billion other chicks. Fast forward to her having this kid, and some of you might be thinking dude, when chicks have kids their body goes to shit. Yeah true, for normal people. Keep in mind she’s the Duchess of Cambridge, fellas. She has like 97 personal trainers ready to get that bod tight as ever the minute she pops er out. She’ll be MILF’in it up around the globe and I think that’s something we all can appreciate.

While all of that I just wrote is important, it’s not nearly as important as the name of this baby. This baby’s name should be on the top of everybody in the world’s concern list up until the day it’s born. Of course, in standard royal British bullshit tradition everyone is thinking they’ll go with something standard like Philip or John or Charles or Edward. But guess what? I think they won’t. This is 2012. Baby names are crazy these days. Everyone’s naming their kids Jaquizz and Splenda and Horton. You can’t flip open an Entertainment Weekly without reading about some new wild baby name. So, if I know Kate and Willy like I think I do, they’re going to break the mold with this one. But. As is the case with any big decision, they probably need a little help. So the mime is here to toss out a few suggestions. Take em or leave em, Kate. Just throwing them out there.


Boy Names

Randy – Good, strong, powerful name.

Nickleback – Honor the band AND shorten it up, boom it’s Prince Nick.

Cap’n Uppercut – Says I’m royal but I’ll also kick your ass.

Blue – When he’s 80 this one will be totally worth it.

Green – Seems like throwing another color in there was a decent idea.

Carl Fist-A-Cuffs – Scary name. Real scary. People would be scared by how much they’re scared by Prince Carl

Toddington – Figured I’d throw a proper name in there.

Brody – This name is so hot right now. Plus, then him and Brody Jenner can be BFFs.

Chester – Guaranteed to be a boss.


Girl Names

Baby Spice – What better way to honor what I imagine was Kate’s favorite Spice girl?

Lysol – Very versatile name, works well if she winds up being a lesbo.

Mary Lou Ann Lynn – Nice ring to it.

Fern – Says I’m royal but I’m also concerned with global warming.

Madison – I just feel like everyone loves this name these days.

Grapefruit – Read an article a while back that naming your daughter after fruit is all the rage.

Lillian – I just flat out like that name. Rugrats yo.

Brynmawr – Make people struggle to pronounce it. Make them struggle.

Beauty- Might fall in love with a beast, but that’s a risk you should be willing to take.


Happy name hunting to the both of you! Don’t forget to tell your old pal JD ahead of time what you pick. And hey, keep me in mind for that godfather nod.


– JD




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