Rap-letes: The Greatest Hits

27 02 2012

Pro athletes aren’t just bone headed jocks with a limited talent set outside of sports. Nay. Behind the cold stare of many-a competitor  lies an untapped resevoir of lyrical gold. For over 20 years ballplayers have been breaking through the once thought impenetrable sport-music barrier with ease. They’re goddamn trail blazers, really. Society said, “Hey you’re good at various athletic activities, surely you have no musical talent and should never try to prove you do.” Turns out society was wrong. Waaayy wrong. Turns out all the naysayers only fueled the fire within. Many athletes decided being good at catching touchdowns and hammering home windmill dunks on a nightly basis isn’t good enough. Seems it left a preverbial void deep in their loins. A void that could only be filled by unleashing a musical prowess from within.

Well thank the lawd these talents were unearthed. From the thugs of the WWE to the ballers of the NBA, many athletes have set down the rock and picked up headphones and a mic. The result has been decades of heartfelt, moving hip hop masterpieces.

Unfortunately actual musicians, producers and talent judges have dismissed this trend as “stupid” or “a poor excuse for music” or “listening to Allen Iverson rap makes me want to shoot my dick off”. But as we all know, The Mime refuses to cater to the critics. Thats just not in our blood. Instead we like to slide in T-Hud’s classic, Undrafted, roll down the windies and let the music do the talking.

So in honor of what most consider to be musical garbage, The Mime has assembled a Rap-letes: The Greatest Hits album. Rumors swirling point to a release date of sometime in June of 2012. Currently, all of the best record labels on the planet are in hot negotiations over the rights. Sony, if you’re reading this call me. Here’s a sneak peek of the tracklist.

Track 1 – Can’t Be Touched by Roy Jones Jr.

Legendary pump up anthem. Gets me from ‘ehh, I guess we could try hard to win this game’ to ‘LETS MURDER THE OTHER TEAM WITH OUR FISTS!’ real fast.

Track 2 –  My Time Is Now by John Cena

A long time TODM fave, Johnnie C epitomizes the term ‘jack of all trades’ (see: The Marine). 05’s You Can’t See Me is choc full o smooth beats and rhymes.

Track 3 – What The Kidd Did by Jason Kidd aka J-Kidd

Flows like hot maple syrup lightly drizzled on some Eggos. Now I’m fairly certain ereyone knows what the Kidd did.

Track 4 – Criticize This by Ron Artest aka Metta World Peace

America’s youth should put down their Katy Perry cd and pick up a copy of Ron Artest’s My World. Can’t knock a guy who reminds parents to be responsible prior to goin in hard on a beat.

Track 5 – Chocolate Strawberry by Daryll Strawberry

D Straw has been a favorite of mine since his Kenny Powers-like minor league days with the St. Paul Saints. Best line: “Lookin for third base, yo I stole it/ That’s right I took it while you wasn’t lookin/ So give me your beef, homeboy I’m cookin”

Track 6 – Lost In The Sauce by Malik Sealy

RIP the big homey. Always had ice in his veins, whether he was spittin flames or popping fade away bank shot treys at the buzzer. First of many Timberwolves reppin on this album.

Track 7 – Must Be The Money by Deion Sanders

Primetime just slaughtered the competition in all his endeavors. This video alone makes little league shit out of T.O’s showboating. You did crunches shirtless in your driveway during an interview? Neat. Well I cruised to the top of the charts with a song about my millions.

Track 8 – Can’t Stop The Reign by Shaq Diesel (Ft. The Notorious B.I.G.)

Legitimately a baller track. Biggie crushes it as always. I mean Shaq has dropped 5 albums to date. You can bet dudes gonna show up again before this tracklist is final.

Track 9 – White 550 by Troy Hudson aka T-Hud

Back in 2007 everyone could tell T-Hud didn’t belong on the hardwood. Homey was thirsty for the studio life. Dude was a rapper trapped in a point guards body, plain and simple. I think he made the right decision. Undrafted sold 78 copies in the first week.

Track 10 – The Superbowl Shuffle by The 85 Chicago Bears

5 Piece would hunt me down and ram a football up my ass if I didn’t include this one. I’ll admit it was a pretty awesome idea and I hate the goddamn Bears. One thing I’m sure everyone can admit: McMahon looks like a uber-douchesicle in this video.

Track 11 – Be A Man by Macho Man Randy Savage

RIP Bonesaw. The Macho Man sure ignited a global beef with this diss track. Hulk Hogan should’ve utilized his daughter and Paul Wall for a rebuttal anthem.

Track 12 – Funk In The Trunk by Isaiah (JR) Rider

As promised, the Timberpuppies are all over this list. Another great mid-90s listener. Too bad JR went all crazy and punted that pregnant chick at the mall. Career never recovered.

Track 13 – Shoot Pass Slam by Shaq Diesel

One of Shaq Daddy’s first mainstream jams. I like what he did here. Why stray away from your roots? If you’re a baller rap about ballin. Formula for success right there.

Track 14 – Rags To Riches by Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes Ft. Andre Rison

Another timeless song by a couple. Sonny and Cher, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Left Eye and Andre Rison. She let him in on a couple tracks, he let her burn his mansion to the ground. Women, huh? Can’t live with em because they burned your house to the ground can’t live without em.

Track 15 – Don’t Tread by Deuce (Clint Dempsey) Ft. XO & Big Hawk

C-Lint goin all break the shit out of the mold on this one. Here I am thinking soccer players just kick corners and wear skinny sweatpants and cry about being fouled all day. Boy, was I more wrong than 2 girls 1 cup. Deuce lyrically beasting with some of H-Town’s finest on this Nike sponsored original.

Track 16 – 40 Bars by Allen Iverson aka Jewels

AI was up against h8ters since day one. Now that he’s in Turkey he should reopen a fresh hip hop chapter of his life. Drop some spoken knowledge on a generation of Turkish bitches.

Track 17 – Champion by a bunch of Russians & Alexander Ovechkin

When he’s not dangling through defenders or dangling his dong out of his pants for Russian hotties to taste, he’s spitting Russian heat on the mic. Don’t understand one word he says but what could Russians possibly have to rap about? Cigarettes? Siberian Tigers? Cloudy days?

Track 18 – Flow On by Cedric Ceballos

Reppin the Western most point of the West Side. MAUI, HAWAII GANGSTAZ! But seriously pretty sure that’s where Ced is from. Even so, I can’t knock a track with the big pimp Warren G all up in it.

Track 19 – Too Much Drama by Chris Webber aka C-Webb

Can’t hate on C-Webb for lack of effort. Dude poured his heart out in this emotional cut. Deeper than Tyra Banks’ ravaged meat locker.

Bonus Cut – Hammered Brett Favre singing We Want Some Pussy while judging some random hot buns contest in 1993.

Better get the riot Police out for when this CD hits the shelves this summer. Neighbors are gonna be curb stomping their neighbors to get a copy, I’ll tell you that.

Shout out to 1994’s B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret. CD is the tits flat out. If anyone sees it for sale anywhere – buy it, please. Should’ve won like 6 Grammys. Think I need to get in touch with Epic Records.

– JD

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3 responses

25 04 2012
OW: Exclusive Rhymes From Metta World Peace «

[…] guess shouting out a few of his tracks on our recent post, Rap-letes: The Greatest Hits, went a long way. Now I haven’t heard the song yet, which is set to be produced by […]

27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 8. Rap-letes: The Greatest Hits […]

17 06 2013
δωρεάν καλάθι αγορών

I’d like to thank you for the efforts you’ve put in
writing this site. I’m hoping to view the same high-grade blog posts from you in the future as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own blog now 😉

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