Overreaction Wednesday: J. Travolta and his questionably obtained handys

16 05 2012

I know this is borderline old news but GET OFF MY BACK, I have some commentary on the issue that our 14 readers (me 12 times checking our traffic numbers and another couple dudes mistakenly arriving at the site after misspelling a porn URL) deserve to hear. 

The central thesis of my beef with this story has nothing to do with whether or not Mr. Travolta did indeed get serviced by a couple random unappreciative masseuses. Last time I checked we were in a massive recession, so as a masseuse if you can’t roll up your sleeves and crank a dong to satisfy a paying customer then you need to check your attitude. The big question for me is, why do we continue giving – nay, wasting – valuable fucks on these celeb scandals? Didn’t we learn our lesson after that one chick tried to claim J Biebs ravaged her in a bathroom stall? I guess she was just hoping the dude that really knocked her up would miraculously have the SAME DNA as the Biebs?? Calculated, well-thought-out roll of the dice I’d say. And I’ll be honest I was really hoping that story was true. Just the idea of Biebs throwing the gauntlet down with some stranger in the men’s room of a Bob Evans had me listening to his tracks on repeat.

That’s how sick people are, though. They’ll gladly pinch a long turd onto the reputation of an unsuspecting celebrity and then blindly hope to the Piece-of-Shit-Freeloader Gods that the allegations stick. I imagine the thought process goes something like this: I need money > I’m too stupid and lazy to look for a job > I should rob someone > That someone should be rich, like a celebrity > I’m too retarded to pull off a robbery > I’ll just make some shit up about an actor forcing me to blow him and hope for the best.

Shit, now that I have that logic diagrammed out in the open, it does seem pretty bulletproof, but still. Even if I could pull it off, I wouldn’t be down with being immortalized as the guy that cashed in after allegedly getting his balls tugged by John Leguizamo at a massage parlor. Let’s get back to Travolta though. I’ve always been a huge fan of the Travolts. Grease was kind of gay but overall the guy’s track record in Hollywood has been nothing short of outstanding.  Pulp Fiction? Are you kidding me? I’m literally online right now applying for a job as a masseuse in LA just on the off chance that John Travolta might walk in and make me tickle his gooch or something while he tells me about how sweet it was to film that movie. 

That’s another thing I don’t understand about these supposed assaults. If I was in that situation I would be so star struck from seeing JT that I’d probably black out and forget what happened. I’d go home later that night and be like:

“Yo get this, I gave John Travolta a massage today!”

“No way, what’d he say to you??”

“Uh, damn, oh man, shit…actually come to think of it I think he may have banged me…”

I just want people to dial back their overreactions to these petty accusations against a great American icon.  This guy was one of the visionaries that brought us Wild Hogs; If that performance didn’t earn him an aggressive Old Fashioned or two, I don’t know what will.



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