OW: Week of The Glory Hole

1 08 2012

Glory holes seem to be blowing up this past week. First we had Dallas Cowboy’s owner, Jerry Jones, reminiscing on the “glory hole days” of the dallas cowboys:

I want me some glory hole too, Jerry. Real bad.

Then there was the Mime’s own, Sonion Rings and Poppa Sonion Rings on a casual hike at America’s favorite national park:


Giggling like kids in a Build-A-Bear.

Maybe that’s only two references, but that’s two more than most weeks in the life of a JD. As I see it, the CEO of glory holes is pretty much begging me to write an OW on the most glorious hole of all holes. Business must be down. Even bad press is good press, right? Riiiiight.

Let’s make like these 2004 olympic synchronized divers and try to simultaneously triple-lutz-axel-dive in on this topic.

I assume glory holes have been around for as long as wieners have been around, so basically forever. I bet if you take a peek in the bathrooms of the hanging gardens of ancient Babylon and there’s a couple dick holes whittled out of limestone with some Rosetta stone jibberish that translates to “sex hole” above them. Plus, I went to Greece this summer and legend has it that if you look directly into an eclipse you get to glimpse into Zeus’ glory hole in the sky. Don’t believe me? Take that shit up with the ancient Greeks. Direct your rage at Homer’s Odyssey. Admittedly, I’ve yet to experience a real life glory hole. I’ve seen the obligatory tiny hole in a bathroom stall where some jokester writes “Joe Stevens’ glory hole” on it. Ha! I get it. Because you hate Joey Steves and his baby penis.

Legitimate glory holes are the stuff of legend. Everyone and their cat knows what they are, but seeing one in real life is like seeing Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel and not in a four car pileup. Just doesn’t happen. I think it’s because actually partaking in glory hole activities is largely frowned upon by society. “You stuck your shmoikel in a duct taped hole at a Love’s Truck Stop in Johnstone, Idaho??” “Ahh, yeah bro, what’s the big deal? Got premium dome” “Have fun getting AIDS” Is how I imagine most conversations might go.

That’s why when I heard Jerry Jones talking about the glory hole days of Cowboys football I couldn’t do anything but respect it. Yeah, yeah guy in the video we heard you loud and clear -he’s actually referring to the oil drilling and mining term. Totally. Guess what? Jerral Jones wants us to think that’s what he’s referring to. He wants you to think he sucks and doesn’t know the wang-hole reference he just dropped. In reality, like Homer Simpson said, he sucks like a fox. That son of a bitch knows exactly what he’s talking about. He’s talking about the days when every shower head in the cowboys locker room had a glory hole below it leading to the Cowboys cheerleader’s dressing room. The days when Nate Newton hired a sandblaster to widen his hole so his monstrous chode could get some post-superbowl lovin from the other side. The days when Troy Aikman flexed nuts through his personal glory hole more times than most men have used a cell phone. Ahh, the glory hole days.

All of texas wants you to get back to those days, Jerry. Sadly you have a pussy ginge for a coach and a schoolboy biotch for a quarterback. Ain’t gonna happen like that. Need to increase the team cocaine possession arrests and decrease the giant scoreboards built. Basic football theory right there. That will get you back to the glory hole days.

– JD



One response

27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 3. OW: Week of the Glory Hole  […]

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