Overreaction Wednesday: Ozzie Guillen is the greatest sports figure of all time and if you don’t believe that then you are a certified lunatic

14 11 2012

A few days ago I had every intention of writing a post about Ozzie Guillen getting fired. That’s the beauty of being a mediocre blogger with zero ambition, I can write about stories that are long overdue and no one really gives a baker’s fawwk. And really, in my defense, what could be better blogging fodder than the seemingly invincible Oz finally getting shit canned after years and years of spewing controversial jibberish with absolutely zero repercussions. Jesus if I could get away with calling people fags at my office I can tell you I’d be doing it a hell of a lot more often. But I honestly can’t bring myself to give that dude even 1 more ounce of thought and attention. I’m an enormous fan of Ozzie mostly because he brought me to climax in 2005 when the Sox won the World Series, but the guy’s a moron and a MASSIVE attention skank. You know who I’d compare him too? Cee-Lo. Absolutely the same kind of person as Cee-Lo. Could be the least talented dickweed in his industry but he cashes checks and never apologizes for being such an obvious piece of shit. Cee-Lo and Guillen could be running mates in the 2012 No Talent Ass Clown Elections, which will be held this December in Two Chainz’ basement, immediately following a Daughtry concert, sponsored by the ’17 Kids and Counting’ family.

Do you, baby. Do you. Oz and this short dude just cheesin’ hard, probably just drank a fifth of tequila ordered a taco 12 pack and prank called Jay Mariotti’s mom a couple times. Also I’ll definitely be perusing the rest of ‘theDirty.com’ site after this. This picture has to just be a still shot from a porno. No way it can’t be.

My big question is – what in God’s name will Ozzie Guillen decide to parlay his MLB career into? You can take any media jobs right off the table considering I haven’t understood a single sentence the fucking guy has ever said. MOVE YOUR LIPS BRO! NO, NOT THOSE LIPS! USE YOUR WORDS! ANUNCIATE! Seriously a good part of me is actually surprised that reporters continued to bother attending his postgame interviews. If I wanted to hear a dude mumble about indecipherable shit I would have gone and played checkers with my Grandpa for a couple hours. Ozzie’s probably pleading with his agent as we speak, begging for a spot on Dancing With The Stars or American Idol. Actually, dude would actually fit in perfectly in that show Swamp People. Those fuckin guys make Ozzie sound like the most articulate swingin’ wang on the planet.

One things for sure, retirement opens the door to copious amounts of free time. And what do dudes like Ozzie do with copious amounts of free time?

Tongue their sons.

Dad, dude, why are your eyes open?

-SR

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