OW(T): FUCKING STOP with the Bill Cosby Death hoaxes already

30 08 2012

Let me preface this by saying this isn’t really an overreaction Wednesday post. It’s more of an any sane person’s reaction Anyday post, bumped back to Thursday on a count of novelization. Not quite as catchy, but fuck it. If you haven’t yet had to witness the tragic news I’m referring to: Some Mega-douche (Note to self: great supervillian name) has taken it upon himself to propagate the despicable rumor that Bill Cosby is dead. Oh, man oh man. Are you serious dude? The Cos is a fucking Legend. As in, I am Legend was written predictively about how Hux-daddy is going to save the world whenever the hell that Mayan apocalypse decides to rear its forgotten head. Look it up, Will Smith only filled in the role for Billy C because these days he’s too busy attending Playboy Jazz festivals in Hollywood (read the picture caption this time). Seriously, the only fathomable way that situation could be cooler is if he was sippin on his own exclusive pudding pop liqueur while scoring a beej from whichever Huxtable girl turned out hottest (I vote this one). Regardless, it’s pretty clear that Dr. H is still alive and kickin…all of our asses in life.

Bill, plotting his hilarious revenge.

 

Wait…now I’m just receiving word that this isn’t the first time some jagoff has started this rumor. And by that I mean I had known this already but saved it til now for dramatic effect so your heads didn’t immediately explode from unbridled rage. Because this is the FOURTH time. Damn internet-obsessed little (probably) racist shitweasels. Remember what happened to the boy who cried wolf? Yeah, I’m not exactly sure either, but what I’m getting at is I hope that each of these Gossipy Garys gets mauled by a wolf. Did I get that one right? Man, if I did that is one brutal children’s story. But nowhere as brutal as the thought of ultimate father figure William Cosby making goofy faces for us no more.

 

There’s certainly a lot of perspectives to break down here. First, and most importantly, we have Bill’s. Can you imagine what it must be like to one day pick up the phone repeatedly and have people on the other line stifle their tears and be all like, “wait… you’re not d-dead?” That would be a shitty ordeal to go through one time, let alone FOUR. I mean, damn. Bill is an old dude these days, straight up- I’m pretty sure this is not news to anyone. He is 75. So what kind of inbred tool-emporium does it take to not only pick on a random senior citizen beloved by everyone, but to do it the exact same way multiple times? I know he’s a comedian and they’re supposed to laugh at themselves and what not, but MAN is this shit really not funny anymore (and never was). All I can think to say is this. That, and leave Billy alooooooone! Leave him alooone!!! (Is the Chris Crocker ref. too old at this point? Good I was hoping so, enough with that whiny dude chick person)

Now it’s time to feed the troll, ideally by ramming a turkey leg of real talk down his throat. So let’s pretend for a minute to try and view this through the eyes of the giggling limpdick who thought this would be funny. In doing so, I have a confession to make. One hungover New Year’s day at a cabin, five or six years ago, some friends and I decided that our Boston College hombre was ripe for some panic to liven up his four hour drive. So we told him BC grad and NFL QB Matt Ryan was in a coma after a car accident. He gave us the typical “you guys better not be messin with me” pseudo-freakout, and in those ancient days without a smart phone he had to wait until he heard back from sources who weren’t as bored or dickish before chewing us out on behalf of his lightly soiled pants. Somehow, the mild humor that came from this vaulted us straight to prank calling a car full of girls and telling them a classmate of ours had died. This joke did not last long as their sobs became audible, and when we hung up the phone the joke seemed more like a particularly juvenile act of cruelty, even for us. My point here is, yeah, I was once involved with this ill-conceived, musty breed of humor, and spent more time pondering how cheap and eerie it is than we ever did laughing about it. Even the JD-bag hit me with the airtight “I’ve lost my memory after a car accident says my own sister and a girl at school we both had middle school chubs for, so put your damn shoes on pronto and get your parents to drive you over to… what hospital was it again?” I still remember that horrifying hour like it was yesterday. Amazing that he’s still managed to become more of a cockbag from there, amiright? (Pretty balls-out for 8th grade though I must admit). The thing is, it just isn’t a fair fight when you force someone to call bullshit on a death or serious injury, since the brutality of it if you guess otherwise is soul-smashing. Jokes like these are the comedic equivalent of masturbating in somebody else’s house: it seems humorously fun at first, you wallow in guilt over the awkward self-gratification afterward, and it’s despicable no matter how bored you are or how hot their mom may be. Not that I would know or anything.

Now onto the 300,000 who bought this particular troll’s nut butter at face value: you shitheads are at fault too. Make no mistake. You want to know why this idiot took the time out of his busy self-fellating schedule to do this? It’s because apparently there have been three other significant occasions where idiots have blindly taken social media as accurate news with the exact same story. That, my friends, is beyond gullible or lazy. I’m not sure at this point if I should be proud or wildly disappointed that the first two searches google just suggested me are ‘bill cosby dead’ and ‘bill cosby die’. At least those people do a little research. I can’t even begin to comprehend what type of person it would take to see “R.I.P. Bill Cosby”, click a thumbs up and then not even have the goddamn decency to look up a legit news story about it, or, more appropriately, hilarious youtube vids to remember Bill by. And since they didn’t that’s exactly what we’re gonna do now. Here is a tiny portion of the humor performed and inspired by the great and powerful Coz.

The man has even lent his name to an uber-hot idea to spice up your morning lovemakin/flu-havin

So much bippin and boppin my knees are slapped raw and my side hurts more than Jesus a decent amount, I suppose. But I guess it’s finally time to wrap up my dissertation, I think I’ve made my point.

So to this self-admitted attention whore whose name I don’t give a scrap of food which will eventually turn to shit about: Congratulations, you proved your unoriginal, plagiarized point about how people overvalue social media, rumors get viral REAL quick, or some crock of steaming shit about infotainment and how it’s numbing truth in journalism (stupid internet drones! lololz!). Seriously, phrase it as eloquently as your clearly bulging brain sees fit. You managed to fool a lot of idiots, but that’s simply because there’s a lot of idiots out there who don’t see your so-called “point” as common fucking knowledge to people over the age of 16 who use the internet regularly. All the lil’ shits younger than that likely only know the Coz by name primarily, so way to go on tricking a bunch of 5th graders into sympathy for an old celeb they barely knew. Now go do something useful with your life or limp back into whatever putrid ass you crawled out of. At least in there you won’t have to witness the genuine grief that’ll come when Bill Cosby actually dies. Because seriously, that dude can create more hilarity with one facial expression than you have in your entire life, let alone a stunt like this. For real. I just hope for your own sake you realize it someday too. Don’t just take it from me though:

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.” -Bill Cosby

-5Piece

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