Best Beards In The Biz: Part II

29 03 2012

Looks like a poster for Ang Lee’s new sequel, Brokeback Mountain 2: Lost In Jew York.


As Ludacris once said, “Back again! Luda! Ha ha ha ha it gets meaner and meaner each time baby.”

Like Luda, we’re always gunnin for that NUMBA ONE SPOT! And everyone knows you can’t get to the number one spot without properly respec’in facial hair and all its’ glory, along the way. Sadly, it seems Best Beards in the Biz failed to hit all categories on its’ first trip round the block. Can’t have that happening. Kind of like when I do a victory lap at bar close. First run through I usually get sidetracked by most anything, really. Could be a vicious grind pit, a case of the pukies, a wayward high five, what have you. Always gotta double back and make sure I didn’t overlook any Vickie’s Secret models hiding in the corner.

So, we’re going to double down and toss ya’ll a fresh lineup of life changing facial hair. Enjoy.


Mutton Chops

PRESIDENT VAN BUREN – Best Crazy Man Chops

Looks like he paid a chimp to play hop-scotch on his face each morning.

WOLVERINE – Best Next Generation Chops

Mutton chopped n screwed if I do say so m’self.

ANDRE THE GIANT – Best Dead Dude Chops

He’s dead. So thats, ah, why they’re the best dead dude chops. Apart from the whole deceased thing, they’re kind of pube-a-licious. I guess Prez Van Buren could be a candidate for this one too. Oh well.



Soul Patches

APOLLO OHNO – Best My-Soul-Patch-Makes-My-Sport-Somehow-Relevant Soul Patch

I hate speed skating, but I love soul patches. As you can imagine, midday Winter Olympic television is a real mental tug of war for me.

BILLY RAY CYRUS – Best Achy Breaky Heart Soul Patch

It says “My daughter is a ho” pretty effectively.

VING RHAMES – Best ‘Don’t Question My Patch’ Soul Patch

Because if you do, he’ll track you down and murder your cat.




KYLE ORTON – Best Drunk Athlete Neard

Infinite kudos bars to for the slew of hilarious shit faced Ky Ort pics. Sweet neard, dog.

BABY BRON BRON – Best Decision Making Neard

Along with his talents, he also took his 16th century neard to South Beach.

TONY THE TIGER – Best Neck Handkerchief Neard

See what he did was he dyed his neard red and made it look like a bandana. We too smart for that ish, Tony. Everyone knows tigers don’t wear bandanas. Nice neard.



Honorable Mentions

JOHN WATERS – Best Pencil Thin Mustache

It says, “Yeah, I’ve been nude on camera. What of it?”

INDIANA JONES – Best 5 O’Clock Shadow

This bitch started growing at 11:30 AM, EASTERN STANDARD TIME MO FUGGA!

CAPTAIN CAVEMAN – Best Full Body Beard

With a beard like this, clothes are totally unnecessary.


Another BBITB in the books. Congrats to those who made the cut. Step your facial hair game up to those who didn’t. Had a super nasty Best Woman With A Beard photo but I’ll do everyone a favor and burn it. Happy Thursday cuzyons.





One response

27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 13. Best Beards In The Biz: Part II […]

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