Underrated Hottie of the Week

8 01 2013

Hannah Davis aka the DirecTV Genie chick

Hannah Davis

If you’ve watched ESPN in the last month chances are you’ve seen this minx. If you’re a heterosexual male, you probably blasted a magnum chub the second you and her locked eyes. Not your fault, it’s completely natural. Don’t blame your wang, that’s sciences fault. And since I feel like it’s my duty to bring mime compadres info on unknown boner-enducing babes, I went deep into the vaults of the internet, did some digging and figured out who she is.

Her name is Hannah Davis and she’s a model from the virgin islands. Although if I know Hannah like I think I do, there’s nothin virgin about her island, am I right!? Ok. I’ll stop. Anywho, she was discovered when she was fourteen and has been modeling ever since. Well done for the dude who scoped her out on a St. Thomas beach at 14. Not creepy at all there, buddy. Nowadays she does work for Ralph Lauren, Victoria’s Secret and most recently, this DirecTV commercial. Apparently, she’s been porking Derek Jeter too. Wikipedia lists her interests as “clothing and jewelry design and production”. No shit, wiki. Last I checked those are like the only two things models are ever interested in.

But let’s not get hung up in pointless info learned on Wikipedia. The main theme of this post is that Hannah is a total sizzler, and she’s underrated as shit. She’s only 22, so part of that can be attributed to young age, but I’d say another part of it is due to her incredibly scary/yet sexy eyes. I get the feeling guys have a real tough time starring into those bad boys. I did and I wizzed my pants. Never thought I’d be raving about a 3 second clip of a chick with a flat screen TV on her lap. We can’t even see any of the good stuff and I’m still harder than that ESPN sports science dude is for science.

I’d assume we’ll be seeing a lot more of Hannah Davis in the near future. So congrats on the underrated nod, Ms. Davis. Now do us all a solid and ditch Derek Jeter, dude is a massive tool and way out of your age bracket.

Couple more pics for the road

Hannah Davis

hannah-davis-victorias-secret-photoshoot-26-560x754

Thanks to Who is that hot ad girl? for the inside info.

– JD





Every Kiss Begins with…GAY? Who’s with me?

10 12 2012

kay_jewelers_logo_5x3

Time to dial up the romance because it’s that time of season again, folks. The most wonderful time of the year. That’s right, sappy jewelry store commercial season is in full force. Technically, it’s been upon us since mid November, but I’d say that not until the first or second week in December do the marketing gurus at jewelry store chains across the nation decide to turn things into overdrive. When you can’t flip on the TV for 5 minutes without some dick making it known that he went to Jared. When you can’t pop on a few re-runs of King of Queens without bursting into tears because of the beauty that is Jane Seymour’s Open Heart collection. You can’t check the score of the MNF game without back-to-back Helzberg ideal-cut diamond history lessons all up in your grill.

Sure, I get it. The holidays are the biggest time of the year for jewelry purchases. Dudes everywhere are scrambling to come up with a good gift idea for their lady, and falling back on some cubic zirconium diamonds is always a fool proof option. You can only buy so many scarf/hat/mitten combos or seasons of Glee on DVD before stepping up to some bling is necessary. So flooding these fellas with ads on ads on ads seems like a logical strategy for these jewelers. BUT. Here’s the thing. Every single jewelry store commercial caters to the emotional needs of women, not men. In fact, most of the commercials are so over the top cheesy men of all ages can’t fucking stand them.

You’d think if Zales wanted a ton of dudes to flock to their stores they’d throw together some ads that didn’t make every guy ever want to immediately light themselves on fire and jump into a vat of scorpions. Maybe an add or two like that one Victoria’s secret ad around valentines day?

WAIT. So if I go to Victoria’s Secret and buy a bunch of shit Adriana Lima will love me and let me eat dark chocolate off her nippies? WHERE ARE MY KEYS!? I’m driving there now.

See it’s that easy, jewelry stores. Now I’m sure they’ll say, hey our sales spike this time of year every year, we’re doing nothing wrong. Our commercials play to the beauty and romance of the season. To that I’d say, congrats. Here’s your goddamn gold star. Guess what though? You’re commercials don’t do that at all. They actually just make people kind of sick. It’s like the feeling you get when you see a really hefty couple tonguing each other at Chilis. Suddenly that chicken quesadilla doesn’t sound so good.

Maybe there’s a bunch of sensitive nancy boys out there that wet themselves for Kay Jewelers commercials and immediately hop in their Toyota Yaris to go buy their fiance a charm bracelet. I’m more in the thought pool that 99% of guys can’t stand the commercials and would rather pay a drifter to murder someone on the street and steal their diamond pendant then spend five minutes in a Zales picking out earrings.

 

Here are a few of my least most favorite jewelry commercials in rotation.

Guyyyyssss, it’s their first christmas as a family!

Hey baby, don’t mind the tornado that’s headed right for our cabin, peep this sweet necklace instead! So umm, we should bang now huh? PS – I’ll always be there.

Hey babe, I don’t seem to remember this partially broken park bench that smells like hobo urine and heroin…You will. Trust me. You will.

Santa shops at Kay my ass. Everyone knows Santa has an army of elves that could build a magnificent ring out of the biggest blood diamond ever at the drop of a hat. Then, if this commercial couldn’t get any less believable, it does. He drops a ring with like 400 carats and Mrs. Claus gives him a kiss on the cheek?? C’mon. Everyone knows Santa wouldn’t have that. Every make out sesh that leads to some 69’ing begins with Kay, Mrs. C, not every peck on the cheek. Jesus.

 

I think that’s about plenty, don’t you? By now you get the overall gist of the commercials. Buy jewelry at Kay and you’re the most romantic man of all time. Look on the bright side though, thanks to that last ad, we now know who’s responsible for these. Stern Advertising. Here’s their website. Looks like they dabble in Jared The Galleria of Jewelry ads too. So yeah, feel free to send a hastily written hate letter and/or stalk their president and kidnap his family. Whatever works.

Happy jewelry shopping to all the fellas. Just keep in mind if you go to Kay, we can’t be pals anymore.

– JD





Underrated Hottie of the Week Part 2

12 11 2012

Mystery Samsung Mom

Even though Barstool dropped a post on how hot this chick is literally minutes ago, I don give a FwUCK. The mime had this bad boy in the underrated hottie hopper yesterday, unfortunately Paula Broadwell took precedence this morning. So don’t hit the send button on that h8 mail quite yet, the mime aint plagiarizing.

With that said, you can bet your bottom dollar I dropped a hefty nut the first time I saw this commercial. Completely out of left field. Oh great, another cutesie cell phone commercial…Daddy, I made you a video for your flight! Sitting there figuring it’s another heart warming commercial, the guy’s a family man yadda yadda, Lumineers song, boring. Think again, JD, think again and maybe pull your dong out because this commercial’s about to take a sharp left into steamy-ville. Spoiler alert, the dudes sexy wife tosses him an HD diddle sesh vid for his long and lonesome business trip. At first I’m thinking nah, I heard that wrong. My mind is always in the gutter, probably just zoned out and fantasized the entire thing. Watched it 24 more times again. Nope. It’s for real. This is actually a nationally televised commercial that includes an inferred reference to homemade porn. Bravo Samsung. I need to get my hands on a Galaxy S III immediately in the off chance this woman lives in Milwaukee and recently divorced Joaquin Phoenix.

But let’s talk more about how sexy this mystery woman is. Right in the wheelhouse for ideal dream woman. Exactly how coach drew it up.

Hair to the side, cardigan on like she either just got done finger painting with the kiddos or finger blasting with a dildo, which one is it? We don’t know and that’s half the fun. Clearly not very much into planning OR really into surprises, surprises of the nudie vid variety. Maybe both? Either way I’m not much of a planner either, so we’re already perfect for each other. I don’t know much about how the Galaxy S III works but it looks to me like she had both those videos in the same folder on her phone? No biggie, here’s our daughter doing some ballet, then here’s me dropping it down a cucumber for 20 minutes. Two kids yet she’s still keeping it tight and keeping it right. She’s hot but not super-duper insane hot, so average dudes like me instantly feel like there’s an off chance I have a shot with her. Not trying to write a post about everything I want in a woman, but at the same time I think I basically just did?

Hopefully some internet nerds find out who this actress is ASAP because there are literally no pictures or any info on her anywhere. Trust me, I looked.

Congrats to mystery Samsung mom on the underrated hottie nod, it’s well deserved.

– JD





Papa Peyton’s…I mean John’s

26 10 2012

 

For the last three years, Peyton Manning has been teaming up with Papa John Schnatter for a cluster-fuck of Papa John’s commercials. Most of them have been terrible, some of them are at best, moderately amusing and I think maybe one of them was kinda funny. And keep in mind I think Peyton Manning is a funny dude.

Some of those Mastercard commercials are pure gold. Yet for some reason, (probably that Papa John Schnatter is a grade A chach-bag) all of Peyton’s Papa John’s ads are garbage.

So when I heard that Peyton is buying 21 Denver-area Papa John’s franchises, I was straight pissed yo. Seriously Peyton? You’re getting in bed with Papa Johnny Schnatter? I mean granted, you were already in bed with the dude. But you hadn’t given up the back door yet bro! Save it for marriage! Papa John Schnatter doesn’t love you for real, he just loves parts of you. Like your giant forehead and your comb over and your shoulder pads. It feels like the time my best pal was being used by a chick for his magnum dong. She didn’t like him, she just couldn’t get enough of his magic stick. I wanted to say something real bad, like brah get out before it’s too late. But I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I, you ask? Because it was already too late, folks.

Same concept here. Peyton’s been hanging with “Papa” John Schnatter for far too long. Getting beers after work, helping each other move, donating money when the other does a 5K for the cure, arguing about how many free pizzas to give away on a football field. And now this. They’re basically best bros from what I can tell. I bet Papa John, who probably isn’t a real father thus furthering his phony status, was probably like “yo P-bone (that’s his nickname for Peyton), you should buy 21 of my restaurants.” And Peyton was like, “Oh, I don’t know Big Daddy Schnattz (that’s what he calls Papa John) I’m already filthy rich, not really trying to get in the fast food game.” Then Papa John was like, “but dude, remember? Better ingredients…better pizza.” And at that point Peyton already had his checkbook out.

But why is this a big deal, JD? Because it just fucking is, brah. Think about it, not only are we subject to years and years of more lame Papa John’s – Peyton Manning commercials but we’re also looking at a possible new socialite duo that will put Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to shame. They’ll make the Two Corey‘s (minus the one Corey because he’s dead and all) look like a couple idiots. They’ll make Cheech and Chong stop smoking. I can picture it now. Pizza baron and star QB hit the posh NY nightclub scene til 5am! Peyton and Papa out of control? Better ingredients, better…cocaine binges? Little Caesar organizes intervention for Papa “party animal” John. The headlines basically write themselves.

And I, for one, refuse to sit back and watch it happen. I love Papa John’s pizza too much. I hate their commercials even more. Hey let’s organize a mob and burn down all of Peyton’s pizza restaurants in Denver!! Who’s with me!?!? Ok, apparently nobody. Whatever. Screw you guys. Have fun with your pizza joints, Mr. Manning. I’ll be exclusively eating at Dominos from now on.

 

– JD





TODM Showdown: Captain Morgan vs John Jameson

16 10 2012

vs

Today we’ve got an extra special TODM showdown for all our mime alcoholics out there. If you’re itching for a stiff beverage, sprint to the liquor store real quick. We’ll start back up in five.

Good? Ok. Let’s get back into it. Today two liquor tycoons will enter the octagon and only one will be crowned champion. As of now, I have no clue who will win, but one things for sure, both men will probably be hammered for the entire fight.

Alcohol is a lot like cereal in that I like to consume it in the morning. It’s also like cereal in that just about every brand has a recognizable face of the franchise. Svedka has those hot robo-babes, Ciroc has Diddy, even 1800 Tequila has that one douche.  But two brand ambassadors stand out above all the rest. Two giants of folklore make the rest of the alcohol mascots look like, to put it lightly, little gay junkyard bitches. The Cap’n and John Jameson. Both men seem to be omnipresent yet never around at the exact same time. Just when you’re at a bar, too hammered to breathe, Cap’n Morgs pops out of the woodwork, hands you a free pair of socks and is on his way (that actually happened to me one time). Similarly, just when you think your stomach couldn’t possibly handle another shot, John Jameson’s ghost floats on in and buys you shots until you projectile vom all over your buddy’s dad.

But WHO is the better man? Who would win in hand-to-hand combat? Who can bake a better Key Lime Pie?

Let’s find out.

 

Better Product – Gotta be slanging legit moonshine.

Captain Morgan may not be the best rum out there, but it’s always a trusty option. You always know you’re getting a decent tasting booze that’ll get you fucked up and not totally destroy you for the next morning. Jameson, on the other hand, might be the most overrated whiskey ever made. I’m also on record saying it’s the single worst shot you can take at a bar. I’ve never taken a shot of Jamo and not immediately puked up my lunch. Tastes like ass in a glass. Edge: Captain Morgan

 

Cooler Outfit – Premium threads are crucial when you’re a public figure.

Captain Morgan is essentially a pirate and John Jameson is a 18th century Scotsman. Downsides for the Captain include holding his leg up for extended periods of time when there’s no barrel to rest it on and getting mistaken for Johnny Depp, downsides for Johnny Jameson include lots of itchy wool. Upsides for the captain include all the perks of looking like a pirate, upsides for John include an axe. Edge: Captain Morgan

 

More Impressive Feats: You might look cool, but unless you back it up with a lifetime of awesome achievements, you’re nothing.

Admiral Sir Henry Morgan was a real-life badass that commandeered an assload of ships, killed a ton of people and acquired a shit load of treasure, among other more historically accurate feats. John Jameson was a real-life badass whiskey distiller that, from what I’ve heard, saved Dublin from a massive fire, killed a giant hawk, tamed a pack of wolves, fought a sea monster and attended his own funeral. Edge: John Jameson

 

Hotter right-hand wench – Who’s got the fairest maiden?

In real life Henry Morgan married his cousin (ewww, dog) Mary Elizabeth Morgan. Chick probably had a busted face and let’s be real Cap’n Morgs was clearly tagging pirate wenches all over the Caribbean behind her back. John Jameson was married to some Irish lass named Margaret Jameson. Now if those commercials are legit, (and I’m pretty sure they are) she looked pretty dece. Edge: John Jameson

 

Better Lineage – which guy was swingin bigger legacy nuts?

As far as we know, Sir Henry Morgan had no sons. He left all his shit to his godsons. Despite no fruit of his looms, his legend has lived on in great infamy. I’m not going to list em out, but there’s a boatload of music and books and rum and shit about him. Plus legend has it there’s a huge cave of Sir Henry’s treasure somewhere in Disney World. John Jameson apparently still has distant relatives in Ireland. So he must’ve had mad fertile loins. Still, aside from his lousy tasting whiskey, nobody’s heard much from Johnny Jameson. Edge: Captain Morgan

 

There you have it, guys and gals. Captain Morgan emerges from the cage match bruised and battered, yet victorious. Johnny Jamo’s sexy wench and giant hawk murdering skills were no match for the Cap’n. Congrats to the captain, although since dude’s been rollin with Marisa Miller, he doesn’t really need a congratulations. Suck on those nuts Mary Elizabeth Morgan.

– JD





Coors, you funny brah.

8 10 2012

Did you just snow on me?

I’ve alluded to it numerous times on twitter, but Coors is dominating the beer commercials game right now. Yeah I know, technically it’s MillerCoors, they’re one in the same now. Even though I’ve spent the last five years living in Milwaukee, Miller ain’t got shit on Coors. In taste and in advertising. For a while there I thought Miller was back in the game with their ‘Man Up’ commercials but then they started running these

and these

and it was official. Miller commercials were gay once more.

Meanwhile their partner in crime, Coors and Coors Light, have been sticking with the same classic formula and, surprise surprise, it keeps working. The recipe? Simple. Humor and that dude with the deep voice.

Obviously, Coors Light and Coors are very different beers. For one, Coors ‘heavy’ tastes like a can of dicks while Coors Light is one of the better tasting light beers out there. Coors is “the banquet beer” while Coors Light is “the world’s most refreshing beer”. Coors knows what they have, they stick with their two big kahunas and they know how to differentiate them. Meanwhile Miller is tossing Miller64 and MGD and Miller High Life and a bunch of other brews at us. All while their biggest seller, Miller Lite, remains a lousy tasting beer. Plus it’s a scientific fact that it produces worse hangovers than drinking any other brew. Six Miller Lites and I feel like hell the next morning, six Bud Lights and I feel like a million bucks. Pretty sure they tested that shit on Mythbusters. What’s that? They didn’t? Hmm. Well they should get on that. Easiest “myth” upheld ever. Give some lab rats a sip of Miller Lite and the next day I guarantee they’ll be posted up on the couch muscling down a Gatorade.

But enough about taste. Back to the matter at hand, commercials. What types of emotions do they stir up? Let’s take a look at a couple recent commercials:

Coors commercials stir up a whole truckload of manly emotions. Anger and rage and deep voices and fixing things and flannel and rocky mountains. I don’t even want a case of Coors right now but I’m on my way to buy one.

Meanwhile the Coors Light-Ice Cube connection just might be one of the greatest product/rapper team ups I’ve ever seen. Just when I thought the Coors commercials with NFL coaches were as funny as it gets, the aluminum pint shows up at Ice’s studio and snipes his recording time. Classic. No matter how hard Ice tries, he can’t be colder than the aluminum pint. It’s an age old cat and mouse game that provides us all with plenty of laughs along the way.

It’s kind of like all other beers are in the pool, just failing around aimlessly while Coors is Michael fucking Phelps swimming at 30 knots right to the finish line. And in a world where 10 commercials out of 10 are beyond horrific, that’s pretty neat. I’m looking at you, Corona.

– JD





TODM Showdown: Terry Crews vs. Terry Tate

18 09 2012

vs.

Another month, another TODM showdown. Be sure to keep your head on a swivel for this one because we’ve got two legendary tanks going head to head. Things could get messy.

Terry Crews and Terry Tate. Given that I’m writing this one in my office I was actually afraid to write out that second name, mainly out of respec. Didn’t want to get speared into a file cabinet. Even though he’s been off the tube for years, everyone knows the office linebacker is omnipresent. But I sacked up and realized the office linebacker doesn’t care about lowly office cherubs like myself. He’s around to motivate the big shots.

So back we are at square one. Two enormous black men going toe to toe. Both share the same name, same on screen intensity and from what I’d imagine, the same dick size (XXL). “Terrible” Terry Tate, sadly a fictional character, was the subject of one of the greatest ads Reebok, or any company for that matter, has ever done. Terry Crews, who is a very real person, has been crushing Old Spice ads for a hot minute, among many other hilarious and intimidating television and film characters. Just a second ago I glanced up at that Terry Tate picture and pissed myself a bit, so let’s cut the intro and jump on in.

 

Stats – Can’t be fugzin with that camera adds 80 lbs bullshit. Got to be able to back it up IN REAL LIFE.

Terry Tate aka Lester Speight – 6’5″ 280

Terry Crews – 6’2″ 245

Edge: Terry Tate

 

Alter Egos – Since they’re both actors, we’ve gotta look at the beastly characters they portrayed.

Lester Speight one and (from what I originally thought) only character was Terrible Terry Tate, Office Linebacker. Turns out I was wrong. He also was a professional wrestler, wrestling under such classics as Rasta The Voodoo Man. He also played an unnamed bouncer that got juked old school style by Anthony Anderson in Cradle 2 The Grave.

Terry Crews has played about four trillion memorable characters in the last decade. A few of my favorites include 8 Ball in Malibu’s Most Wanted, Cheeseburger Eddy in The Longest Yard, Cool Crush Ice Killa in Puff, Puff, Pass, Hale Caesar in The Expendables and Julius Rock in Everybody Hates Chris.

Edge: Terry Crews

 

Football Career – Belie it or not, both of these boss hogs were actual professional football players. Crazy right? Would’ve thought CPA or Claims Adjuster for sure. Who was more dominant on the gridiron?

Despite a super short professional career with the Baltimore Stars of the USFL, Lester Speight was apparently an All American linebacker at Morgan State in the mid 80s. Must’ve doled out too many concusions he got banned or something. Then of course, he spent the early 2000s forcing laptop fumbles and water cooler goal line stands as Terrible Terry Tate. Meanwhile Terry Crews spent his college years as an all-conference defensive end at Western Michigan University. He was actually drafted by the Los Angeles Rams in 1991 and spent seven seasons in the league. Honestly I did not know that until just now.

Edge – Terry Crews

 

Funnier Commercials?

Edge: Gotta give it to Terry Tate-r totz. But maybe we should toss this one up to a vote.

 

Cheese Related Catch Phrase –

Edge: Terry Tate

 

Looks like Terrold Tate sneaks out a win. Mr. Crews if you’re reading this, no disrespect intended please don’t beat me to death with a pillowcase of Old Spice swagger body wash. Congrats to Lester Speights. Wish the office linebacker was still regulating the workspace. One more for the road:

 

– JD