Green Eggs n Pink Ham is back! Kinda. I am gracing the Mime with my blogging finesse for my quarterly blog on nonsense. This latest installment is based around what I believe to be a totally mockery of the haircut game: the flat top. Now before you come at me and say the flat top is a classic and should not be spoken of in such poor terms – pump your brakes. The flat top is an absolute classic, one the HAMs favorite do’s of all time. But from what I have seen, it is being taken advantage of.
In my humble – yet expert – opinion, the flat top is a haircut reserved the coolest dudes of all time. You need to earn the flat top status. Kids these days are busting out the flat top while having accomplished not a thing. No credibility! Sanford S. FlatTop is turning in his grave as well speak. The following is a list of some OG’s who have clearly earned this status, and some young bucks who need to hit the barbershop. By the end you should have a good sense of the same mockery that I have been seeing.
So fresh. Big Willie Style has not only earned the right to wear a flat top, but also the right to pretty much do whatever he wants. If he wore a pastel yellow T, zubaz, shades and a lime green hat, that would totally acceptable.
Bro, shave your head. Being really good at basketball in the state of New Hampshire does not grant you access to rock a flat top. Nor does growing up in Everett, Mass. Plus your team kinda sucks this year so do us all a favor and bust out the clippers.
Become acceptable: 720 Windmill dunk.
Did this kid invent the flat top? No idea. Didn’t do any research on the matter. Alas, this guy definitely earned flat top status. Did anyone else watch the House Party movies? So OG. Those parties are what I strive for every time I go out at night. Sadly I am not black, or a rapper, or able to throw parties in the 90s.
Norris Cole World
Nope. I don’t like it one bit. I will not have this no named Cleveland State joker rocking the sacred flat top. It’s not fair to all the other cool dudes who have earned the crown. What a disgrace, basically spitting in the face of flat top nation.
Become acceptable: Invent a successful computer security software company, retire, move to Beliz, murder people and begin a quest for the super drug.
If Wale calls you the N word and you are extremely white, then I would say that gives you a right of passage to rock the flat top. Also being part of something called Run TMC gives you the right to flatten the top of your hair. Keep doing you Mully Mull.
You probably don’t know this A-hole. Well, he was a no name Pats wide receiver who got cut a day before the Super Bowl and made a fuss. Either way, that’s not the point. Dude, you play football. Why would you have a flat top when you are just going to squish it every time you go to work? That would be like me wearing my shooting sleeve to work every day, only to have it covered up by my dress shirt. Preposterous.
Become acceptable: Lead the league in something besides most times cut one day before the Super Bowl.
Who is the most underrated actor of all time? Well its Dolph Lundgren. Why? Because of his spiky hair and ice cold demeanor and his big muscles. Randomly getting quoted in Always Sunny gives you a flat top free pass every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
I don’t know who this person is. Quite frankly, I don’t care either. Saw him on TV once and I spit out my coffee. I don’t drink coffee, only tea. That’s how outrageous this hair cut is. If you literally do not have a name how can you be cool enough to have a flat top? Insanity.
Become acceptable: I don’t think this nameless reject can do anything. Shave it. Dude stinks.
– Green Eggs and Pink Ham