Hair Style Conundrum: The Flat Top

24 01 2013

Green Eggs n Pink Ham is back! Kinda. I am gracing the Mime with my blogging finesse for my quarterly blog on nonsense. This latest installment is based around what I believe to be a totally mockery of the haircut game: the flat top. Now before you come at me and say the flat top is a classic and should not be spoken of in such poor terms – pump your brakes. The flat top is an absolute classic, one the HAMs favorite do’s of all time. But from what I have seen, it is being taken advantage of.

In my humble – yet expert – opinion, the flat top is a haircut reserved the coolest dudes of all time. You need to earn the flat top status. Kids these days are busting out the flat top while having accomplished not a thing. No credibility! Sanford S. FlatTop is turning in his grave as well speak. The following is a list of some OG’s who have clearly earned this status, and some young bucks who need to hit the barbershop. By the end you should have a good sense of the same mockery that I have been seeing.

Fresh Prince

So fresh. Big Willie Style has not only earned the right to wear a flat top, but also the right to pretty much do whatever he wants. If he wore a pastel yellow T, zubaz, shades and a lime green hat, that would totally acceptable.

Nerlens Noel

Bro, shave your head. Being really good at basketball in the state of New Hampshire does not grant you access to rock a flat top. Nor does growing up in Everett, Mass. Plus your team kinda sucks this year so do us all a favor and bust out the clippers.

Become acceptable: 720 Windmill dunk.

Kid Reid

Did this kid invent the flat top? No idea. Didn’t do any research on the matter. Alas, this guy definitely earned flat top status. Did anyone else watch the House Party movies? So OG. Those parties are what I strive for every time I go out at night. Sadly I am not black, or a rapper, or able to throw parties in the 90s.

Norris Cole World

Nope. I don’t like it one bit. I will not have this no named Cleveland State joker rocking the sacred flat top. It’s not fair to all the other cool dudes who have earned the crown. What a disgrace, basically spitting in the face of flat top nation.

Become acceptable: Invent a successful computer security software company, retire, move to Beliz, murder people and begin a quest for the super drug.

Mully Mull

If Wale calls you the N word and you are extremely white, then I would say that gives you a right of passage to rock the flat top. Also being part of something called Run TMC gives you the right to flatten the top of your hair. Keep doing you Mully Mull.

Tiquan Underwood

You probably don’t know this A-hole. Well, he was a no name Pats wide receiver who got cut a day before the Super Bowl and made a fuss. Either way, that’s not the point. Dude, you play football. Why would you have a flat top when you are just going to squish it every time you go to work? That would be like me wearing my shooting sleeve to work every day, only to have it covered up by my dress shirt. Preposterous.

Become acceptable: Lead the league in something besides most times cut one day before the Super Bowl.

Dolph Lundgren

Who is the most underrated actor of all time? Well its Dolph Lundgren. Why? Because of his spiky hair and ice cold demeanor and his big muscles. Randomly getting quoted in Always Sunny gives you a flat top free pass every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Badger Bitch

I don’t know who this person is. Quite frankly, I don’t care either. Saw him on TV once and I spit out my coffee. I don’t drink coffee, only tea. That’s how outrageous this hair cut is. If you literally do not have a name how can you be cool enough to have a flat top? Insanity.

Become acceptable: I don’t think this nameless reject can do anything. Shave it. Dude stinks.

– Green Eggs and Pink Ham



4 responses

27 01 2013

Awww shit, do I smell a comment war? Probably not.

But PinkHam I KNOW you did not just disrespect my dawg Ryan Evans. Dude’s had a flat top since the womb. Marquette has played him 5 times now. That implies he’s a 5th year senior, holding the flat top down for college bball in all 5 of em. This dude has earned the stripes on his head, and I’m not just saying that because he’s a Badger. He’s had that shit since day 1. Now, with Bo’s boys having lost to the Golden Weak-gles this year, I can’t exactly talk shit on that front, but uh, maybe check out this shit:

If Marquette can manage more than one win against ranked teams I MAY shut my mouth about this cross-state hate (not likely though). But Evans is certainly not in the same bracket as Nerlens “nutsucker” Noel. This dude knows how to win AT Indiana at least- when they’re actually legit. With a vintage KG shot in crunchtime no less.



27 01 2013
JD McGriddle

damn 5 piece in the comment section w his longest post to date

28 01 2013
Green Eggs n Pink Ham

Career averages of 6 and 4 does not grant you access to the flat top my dude.

Also forgot to add Iman Shumpert and his lame flat top –

29 01 2013

In an offensive system that routinely drops barely 40 that’s like the equivalent of 15 and 10 son. Someone’s gotta hold shit down in the state of Wisconsin, and it sure as hell isn’t a bunch of dudes pissing their trunks because a bat decided to catch some college hoops.

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