Pass The What Now?

27 03 2013

Smack dab in the middle of Holy Week, a few days into Passover, and just a hop, skip, and a jump away from all those God fearing souls getting to once again openly partake in the lovely, tasty, and intoxicating things that they’ve been lying about abstaining from for the past 40 days. What a perfect time for some more ramblings from the religious correspondents desk, eh? My thoughts exactly.

Seriously though, Lent is like the half retarded offspring of New Year’s resolutions and rehab after a 7 minute teenage closet romp, think about it; it comes with twice the guilt ramifications if you can’t follow through and take care of it, or like forget it at the mall or something. But fear not ye Sunday morning sodomites, lent is not on the chopping block, this week I will be focusing on your Hebrew brethren.

Given that grizzly beards and a proficiency with numeros are not inherent traits to the men of my family, I had to do some digging to find out what this Passover thing is really about. Let me tell ya, its a pretty wacky party. Apparently, a couple years back a little dude named Moses, yep, that guy, got tired of scrapping sand out of his crack while being whipped a top a pyramid and decided to do something about it.
moses

But given his passive aggressive nature, clearly depicted here, he thought it best to just walk it off rather than throw down with an early member of what is now known as the Mossad. So he rounds up his crew, lights up a fatty and goes for a little stroll round the block to cool down. However, a mixture of short term memory loss and a powerful lust for camel’s milk causes Moses to lead his buddies on a little detour into the dessert, where they spend the next 40 years wandering around. Effectively carving in stone the rule that has been passed down through the ages; you never leave the high dude in charge of the directions. Thanks chief, now we know.

Obviously Moses needs to be celebrated for his blunderous discovery that has saved the future generations hours of aimless driving around. Well, except those two jokers in the movie who refused to just order a damn happy meal at the nearest drive through. Must not have heard this story growing up, though if memory serves they were neighbors with a couple of pot heads with ‘stein’ in their last names, thought they may have mentioned it. Nevertheless, I think I’m going to far surpass my allowed limit for stereotypes in this one, so we’ll leave trying to rationalize the chaotic decision making that comes from Asians getting behind the wheel to the professionals.

Ha, good stuff. Back to the man of the hour. How does one properly celebrate this monumental hero who buckled up and doubled the amount of coarse fragments between his cheeks for the good of us all? Most would be calling for strippers and cocaine, but no way Bubba, no amount of white girl, powdered or popping naked out of a cake, can hold a candle to what these party animals got going on.

They kick er off in the same fashion as any good bender, with a big meal; or ‘Seder’ as it is known in the Kingdom of Judah. However, the meal is prepared in a way to commiserate their ancestors who followed Stoner Jew out into the desert not knowing they would be walking for 40 years. Most of them wore through their sandals within the first week, and because of this the Jewish children are served the soles from last years back to school shoes, aka ‘Matzah’ as a way of paying homage.

Even Obama was enjoying chowin down on his old basketball sneaker earlier this week in Israel.

obama

Yum.

From there its seven more days of none stop orgy like craziness. They got pyrotechnics, sing a longs, trivia games, endurance contests, and enough distilled wheat liquor and wine to drown Ireland.

Anyone else ready to convert?

I’m Sold.

l’chaim!

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz

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Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

pope5

Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

pope6

Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz





How Did They Even Make It This Far?

13 03 2013

First off I gotta throw out a little apology to my main man JD and all the loyal followers of the Underrated Hottie. Unbeknownst to me, you guys had already gotten the low down on that stone cold fox Gina C back in May of last year. Wasn’t trying to steal your thunda big dog, though I will say she certainly is of the caliber worthy of a second look. In fact, if anyone wants to do a little compare and contrast on our mild obsession with the woman warrior, here is his briefs-crowding wisdom:

https://theoffdutymime.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/underrated-hottie-i-just-remembered/

Ok, I’m gona go out on a limb here and try and break in a new on going category for the mime, so let me know what you think. This list could go for days and days and will feature some of the DUMBEST human beings to ever have walked God’s green earth. I know, I know, how will we ever choose, right? Well, it will be tough but luckily there is no shortage of inspiration for this one and your friends here at the mime are willing to roll up our shirt sleeves and sift through the shit for ya to find the true gems.

If your one of those people who thinks it bad form to speak ill of the dead then fair warning, this list will not be for you. But think about it, if you are on the level of shire idiocy as the sorry sacks who’s names end up appearing below, without a doubt at some point your moronic behaviors will lead to your demise. And this is America after all, we love poking fun at other peoples shortcomings. So buck up.

Without further ado here we go.

Having the distinct honor of being our first ever character that natural selection should have stripped from this world a long, long time ago we have… Drum roll please…

coke1

That’s right, its Natasha Harris; everyone’s favorite ‘coke head’ and no I’m not talking about those delicious nose clams that rhyme with propane here, Coca-Cola was her drug of choice. Yep, she actually managed to drink herself to death on soda pop. And before you wisenhimers jump all up in my grill, no Coke is not putting cocaine in their product again. But that would be ammmaaizzziiing!

However, this is old news, well her death is at least, but it has recently been brought up in a new light due to a coroner’s findings that this mother of 8 who met her maker back in 2010 was addicted to the sugary beverage.

Let me be clear here on what I mean by “addicted” cause we aint talking a few cans a day or any sort of equivalency to you so called “caffeine addicts” still chugging along with us today. This New Zealander would throw back more than two gallons of polar bear syrup a day! Yea you read it right, A DAY! But c’mon GBz, she was a big ol gal, she could probably handle her intake, right? Meh, I’m no doctor, but apparently she also mixed in a few packs of cigs and had a food intake similar to that of a Sudanese orphan. Jesus, maybe eat a Big Mac every now and again and you wouldn’t have to fuel up on straight diabetes to stay awake you loon! Might not be the best example but you get what I’m sayin.

What did Natasha have to show for her addiction? Well, she had developed cardiac arrhythmia, an enlarged liver, her teeth had been removed because of decay and she had heroin addict like withdrawals that would even turn violent when she couldn’t get her carbonated fix. And of course, there is the biggy- a ticker that quit on her at age 31. What the hell did you think was going to happen woman?

However, this coroner that did the autopsy seems like hes a few eggs short of a dozen himself. He doesn’t think that Coca-Cola should be held financially responsible for Harris’ death, obviously; though some type of frivolous law suit attempt will surely come out of this. He does suggest the Coke consider putting a warning label on its drinks.

Buddy, what would that actually accomplish? Clearly this woman was straight up illiterate because even a pre-schooler can read the god damn health chart pyramid.

coke2

See that word near the top next to sugar-“sparingly” yea, either she needed an updated version of Webster’s or this cow just flat out couldn’t read. However, those fancy book learned types who threw this chart together thought of those special few among us who still can’t get a grasp on the kings english as well. The food groupings are arranged by size!!! If you can’t figure that out, no warning label on the side of a can is going to help.

And regardless of education or literacy level, if you don’t think there is a direct correlation between consuming 11 times the recommended amount of any substance every single day of your life and your laundry list of health problems, then well, you deserve to be either locked up or put 6 feet under. Bottom line. Certainly your kids didn’t deserve the self inflicted early departure of their mother though, bitch. See, here at the mime we do have a heart:)

If she couldn’t put two and two together then how the hell did she even get that far in life, that’s what I want to know.

A little common sense people! That’s all we’re asking for!

Ok
-GBz





Underrated Hottie of The Week

12 03 2013

Before I begin, I know all of you out there are thinking; “Thank God” “Praise Allah” or cheersing another cup of that Kool-Aid to whatever name your cult leader goes by that GBz has given up on the religious themed rants for now. I get it, I hear ya- lets get back to something we can all agree on; sex, drugs, and rockin boobies. We got us another hottie here but damn, if I do say so myself, there ain’t nothing underrated about this one- fair warning.

gina1

This mean knuckler would be Gina Carano, daughter of the former jock strap holder for Roger Staubach- NFL wanna-be quarterback Glenn Carano, and let me warn you boys, just in case you ain’t yet heard the name; she would happily tie her right arm and left foot behind her back and still beat your ass like she was paid to do it. Not saying I didn’t get a little hard just typing that, but actually she has been paid to do it, multiple times. She carries with her an impressive 12-1-1 professional MMA record and, as I eagerly wait to show you, still has the face to prove it takes more than a little luck to lay a glove on this pretty Texas flower.

gina6

I dont know bout yall but I’d certainly flip the bill for a few days hospital stay for the chance to be put in a leg lock by this:

gina4

gina2

Excuse me while I go “meditate” on those images awhile.

…..
…..
…..

….Well, that sure didn’t take long.

Back to the hottie herself. Certainly with a million dollar smile like hers and an attitude to boot, Hollywood was going to come a-knockin at some point, and knock it did, hard. Landing the leading role in a Steven Soderbergh picture (Haywire, 2011) is no small feat for anyone in the business of show, much less someone who previously got kicked in the teeth for a living. But she sure did it and hasn’t looked back since.

Gents, just go check out the trailer for Fast and Furious 6, you’ll see Paul Walker is no longer the prettiest one in that cast.

gina5

Again, I’ll go ahead and assume that before this you fiends had already creeped all over my girl Gina, but even so, is anyone disappointed in taking a second look? I’ve certainly taken a third or forth, but maybe thats just me.

gina7

Without question we got the most badass actress the silver screen has ever been graced with here and a stop traffic kind of a hottie.

Now I think I need another round of maste*- excuse me; “meditation”

Goodnight

-GBz





Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Arthur’s Crew

4 03 2013

Originally I drafted this one up the day after new years. As you can tell, my spirits were at an all time low. Since it’s officially march and spring is right around the river bend I figured ehhh, what the H, let’s bitch about a harmless childhood cartoon for a few minutes. So here it is, guys, the source of my beef with Arthur.

The winter might be dragging on longer than we all can handle, but luckily the mime is here to put it in perspective.

Think filing 401K plans at your administrative assistant job at a recycling plant this morning was rough? Feeling like your liver is going to fail at any moment you drank so much Cooks champagne two nights ago? Depressed because literally every single person besides you from your high school class got engaged last month? Even that dickhead Mitch? Well calm down lead singer of Bullet For My Valentine. Don’t slit your wrists yet. At least you’re  not Arthur.

Remember Arthur? If you don’t you should. Guy had it rough. At this point you’re thinking, J to the D, Arthur was a boss. His life ruled. I’d trade my life as a barback at Chili’s with a talking aardvark with glasses any day of the week. Think again partner. Let me break Arthur’s life down for you. And don’t you dare stop reading. This post has got some serious potential.

Arthur

Arthur

arthur-704483

He’s eight year old Aardvark who’s in third grade. His hobbies include playing the piano, reading and riding his bike. Dude rocks a yellow sweater and some big ass bi-focals every single day of his life. He does have a dog, but he named it Pal, so that’s kind of gay. Given the glasses and that he likes reading, we can assume he’s a huge nerd. I think those are Jordan V’s but I’m not sure. So he might be good at basketball, but I wouldn’t count on it.

As you can see, Arthur gets a pass. He’s the main character of a TV show so he’s kind of a big deal. And he’s a decent dude through and through. However the real problem lies in the friends he hangs with. They say judge a man by the company he keeps, well I say judge the shit out of an aardvark by the lame ass crew he rolls with.

D.W.

Dw_picture

Some of you might’ve read my article a while back about TV sisters and they’re bitch-tastic nature. Well I’m feeling pretty silly right now that I forgot to include DW. Chick was the worst. Over dramatic, self centered and very likely to throw a tantrum at any time. I’m no baseball umpire but that sounds to me like strikes one, two and three.

Buster

Buster

Buster is the one exception here. Dude was the tits. I’m honestly real surprised he rolled with Arthur at all. Guy had it all. Sick threads, big ol bunny ears I guarantee the ladies loved, a baller sense of humor, and he’s a stud on the softball field. If I remember right he was also a slacker in school. Cool kid no questions asked. Then again he was BFFs with Arthur so maybe he wasn’t that cool. Plus his folks got a divorce and you can bet your ass it was 100% ALL Buster’s fault.

Francine

francine

Francine was a stone cold biznatch. Plus she looked just like that lady ape that wants to plow Marky Mark in 2001’s Planet Of The Apes. Maybe because they’re both monkeys. Whatever. The point is Francine consistently dragged Arthur’s crew down. Always bossing them around, trying too hard to be one of the guys. We get it Francine, you’re a closet lesbo. Go munch on some box already and leave Arthur alone.

Muffy

Muffy

First off, killer name brah. You might be the richest monkey in Elwood City but don’t forget you’re named after pubes. Muffy was a total pain in the ass. Basically the Jackie from That 70’s Show of Arthur. Sure she’s hot, but she’s also impossible to spend 5 minutes with without contemplating suicide.

The Brain

The Brain

Brain is that one guy that everybody likes but deep down they actually hate because they’re jealous of him. Smart as hell, athletic as shit, humble, polite, celebrates fucking Kwanzaa and most certainly has a python for a dong. He’s almost too nice. Always helping people and listening to peoples problems. Hey Brain, quit the charade, brocif. We all know you’re a egomaniacal douche deep down.  Let loose.

Binky

Binky

Not sure exactly what type of animal Binky is, looks to be some sort of ogre. All I remember is he repeated the third grade. Sucker move right there. Sucks to have such a monstrous head and such a tiny brain. Clearly in Arthur’s crew for protection but it’s tough to be Arthur’s muscle when you’re busy being a queer playing the clarinet.

See what I mean folks? Brutal crew. If you ask me, Arthur’s gotta shed the dead weight and pick some cooler friends. Maybe some hotter chicks, a black dude or two and you’ve gotta have one Asian. For math help and what not.

Anybody read that entire post? Thanks. Feels good to know somebody’s still interested in a TV show we watched 18 years ago.

Alright, enough of that. My new years resolution is to not write stupid shit on the internet for christsake. Guess that lasted all of 28 hours.

– JD





The McRib: An Inside Look

18 12 2012

ribwich

Yesterday McDonald’s announced the return of the mighty McRib sandwich to their menus, causing a nationwide “the McRib is back eh? Again? Wait did it ever leave? Whatever, probably won’t buy one”. What was once a fast food urban legend, appearing every once in 20 years only to sleek back into the shadows, now seems to be on sale more than ever. Didn’t McDonald’s bring the McRib back this time last year too? I’m starting to lose track, not that I was keeping track to begin with.

In celebratory fashion, Yahoo Finance posted an article titled ‘11 Amazing Facts about the McDonald’s McRib‘. Since I have nothing important to do ever, I read the whole thing. First of all, kind of weird Yahoo Finance is writing amazing fact articles about the McRib. Figured they’d be analyzing low interest rates or discussing how the NASDAQ activity from last thursday but whatever. Not my job to critique the fine folks at Yahoo Finance. Second, is the McRib honestly popular enough to keep bringing it back, again and again? Is it actually like that Simpsons episode where the Krusty Burger Rib-Wich has a cult following like the Grateful Dead? It can’t be, right? I’ve had the McRib before, it mostly tastes like a bag of dongs.

 

Well let’s take a look at all 11 “amazing” facts and see if we can learn a thing or two about the McRib.

1. The McRib came out because of a shortage of chickens.

Not surprising in the least. Ah fuck, we’re out of chicken nuggets, what do we do? Here, put this nasty pork slab on a bun. Boom, McRib. Honest question though, how was there a shortage of chickens in this country? I’m no chicken farmer, but from what I’ve heard there are like a zillion chickens per state.

 

2. The McRib was inspired by Southern BBQ. 

Because nothing reminds me of authentic home-cooked Southern BBQ like a juicy McRib.

 

3. The McRib is a product of “restructured meat technology.”

Apparently it’s made from a mixture of tripe, heart and scalded stomach. Huh. Totally know what all of those are. I like stomach, but only if it’s scalded, under cook that stomach and you can bet your ass I won’t touch it.

 

4. The whole process of fresh pork to frozen McRib takes about 45 minutes. 

Seems a little high. How does grinding up a pig, pouring it into a McRib mold and cryogenically freezing it take 45 minutes?

 

5. The entire McRib sandwich contains about 70 ingredients – including a flour-bleaching agent used in yoga mats. 

Azodicarbonamide, to be specific. Good to know though, if I don’t finish my McRib at least I can toss er on the ground and do a couple three-legged downward facing dogs. Get my heart rate back down.

 

6. The McRib debuted in 1981, disappeared in 1985, and has resurfaced from time-to-time since 1994.

Very rich history indeed, but like I said “resurfaced from time-to-time” should read “rears its ugly head pretty much every year like clockwork”.

 

7. Individual restaurants can actually order the ingredients for the McRib at any time. 

Thank sweet baby jesus they don’t though, amiright?!

 

8. McDonald’s keeps the McRib scarce because the sandwich’s entire brand relies on it. 

This might be the most mind boggling part of the McRib phenomenon. People seriously go nuts for this sandwich. The minute it goes on sale, there are people in line screaming and hollering to get their hands on one. Whatever tickles your fancy I guess, but why pick the McRib? How about the McGriddle? Let’s bring that back once every five years.

 

9. It’d be incredibly difficult for McDonald’s to create more McRib-esque products, because that cult-like following is so hard to replicate. 

Really? I’d bet they absolutely could do it again. If they got an entire “cult” of people to live and die by a restructured pork sandwich that tastes like Phil Collins’ grundle. They should be able to make a new sandwich that actually tastes awesome and have it gain an even bigger following no problem.

 

10. There’s also speculation that the McRib is really just a big commodity trade by McDonald’s. 

Apparently whenever the McRib reappears, hog prices are conveniently low as shit. Hmm, interesting. I will say this is venturing into the financial realm, one which your boy JD isn’t too familiar. So I’m going to back away slow, and pretend I didn’t read the word ‘commodity’. Not trying to get sucked into a ponzi scheme. You can never be too careful.

 

11. Animal rights group sues McRib meat supplier over inhumane treatment of pigs. 

Don’t pigs thrive in inhumane conditions? Last I checked pigs love rolling around in their own piss and shit and sleep best all piled on top of each other with dead pigs at the bottom. Better lumbar support for em. Saw it in a documentary once. So shut your yappers PETA and keep in mind those piggies are about to be super tasty McRibs.

 

There you have it. 11 amazing facts. Was your mind blown? Is your jaw on the floor right now? Probably not considering almost every one of those facts was incredibly predictable. What’s that? The McRib has some unnatural ingredients in it? NO WAY. The McRib is scarce for a reason? Whaa? I think the bottom line is a big congrats to McDonald’s is in order. You continue to sell people an absolutely terrible sandwich, and you do it with class. Bravo. So to all the mime compadres, go out there and grab yourself a McRib. Remember, they’re only around for a limited time!

 

– JD