Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

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Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

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Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz

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Back In The Day Souffle – Whips

1 03 2012

I can’t seem to figure out exactly what happened to automobiles. Part of the blame lies with the whole green movement.  Another part we can chalk up to dickhead R&D teams at most major auto manufacturers. Whatever is to blame, it sucks. Cars and trucks used to be cool. They used to be weird looking. They used to be inconvenient, no where near technologically advanced and seemingly indestructible. These days I can’t drive two miles without seeing 300 minivan-SUV-station-wagon hybrids cruising the streets. I mean what the fuck is that? Looks like a 2002 Ford Focus buttfucked a Volvo of some kind and they conceived a bi-curious shemale vehicle.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. All this keyless entry, automatic doors, GPS-enabled, voice command shit is great. Guaranteed I take that stuff for granted. There are obviously still some really cool new cars and trucks being made. Just look at the new Silverado or the Lexus LFA-552 from that one badass commercial. Dirt-nasty for sure. Problem is those are what I like to call ‘specialty rides’. By that I mean every day bros aren’t going to be driving them any time soon. When you’re a thousand-aire you just can’t roll like that. Wish I could but I’ve got an image to uphold. Bitches gonna be all suspicious and shit if they see plain old JD rollin up on the block in a fresh 2012 Lex. Start alerting authorities thinking I’m makin my millions off a sex trafficking biz. I can’t afford to have that kind of heat breathing down my slacks.

What I’m getting at is middle of the mall automobiles suck these days. They all look the same. Can’t tell if that’s a Toyota Rav-4 or a Honda Civic Hatchback Sport. Pisses me off kind of. Gone are the days when each car model was distinct, no matter how fugly it was.

Well in a tribute to the beautiful whips of the past, The Mime is cooking up a piping hot souffle of the old school variety. Just another reminder of how badass life used to be.

Back In The Day Souffle – Whips

1990 Volvo 240DL Wagon

One of the original shaggin’ wagons (wood panels paved the way). Dads across America got to moisten suburban underpanties in this bad boy seven days a week. Kiddos loved it too. Hop in that reverse facing back seat, make funny faces at people behind you maybe whip ur sack out. Whatever kids did back then. Plus, if I remember right it was like top safety rated. Triple threat right there.  Shout out to KPMG’s own DLav on this one.

1991 Pontiac Firebird

Feel like this was the poor man’s Corvette. Still looked cool but 5 years later all of them were strewn about in our nation’s trailer parks and Wal-Mart parking lots. Had to include it after I saw that show on TLC about the guy who bangs his car. Shit thats a Monte Carlo, huh? Oh well. Whatever.

1992 Ford Bronco

OJ’s low speed chase kind of tainted the Bronco forever. After that people assumed you slaughtered your wife and her dude on the side if you drove one. Unfair stereotype. Broncos were the bad ass juvie delinquent cousin of the Chevy Suburban. Built for running over endangered species. As a kid I couldn’t even get in to one of these muhfuggas. Too high up for a 6 year old.

1993 Suzuki Sidekick

Wrangler wannabe? Maybe. The Sidekick was way more compact, aerodynamic and stealthy. Like if I’m robbing a Carl’s Jr in 93 you know I’m going to choose this as the get away vehicle. “Did you catch a glimpse of the culprit as he drove away?” “Nope. Just saw some micro machines toy car rolling down the sidewalk. Some kid must have left it there.”

1994 Ford Aerostar

You know Mama McGriddle had one o these on deck. The Rolls Royce of early mini vans. Real talk the family mini van took a beating. Pretty sure thats how it was for everyone. Hop in the back seat on a hot summer day you got a couple melted crayons up your ass, seven partially eaten Happy Meals chillin and four Air Heads arc welded to the seat cushion.

1995 Jeep Cherokee

Lets the world know you’re down for some outdoor activies yet you’e also a badass who won’t hesitate to stab a bitch in his nippie. Like with this vehicle in your possession your possibilities are endless. At the drop of a hat you could gun it to Africa for a safari or glide downtown for a ritzy night out. Either way.

1996 Dodge Neon

No question the lamest sedan anyones ever seen. Weak speed, limited trunk space, bland cloth interior. But these things were goddamn built to last. Like i had a buddy who got in a head on collision with a semi truck at 75mph. Alls that happened were a couple scratches he had to buff out after. Who knew Neon’s were made of forged titanium? No, actually he died a horrible death. Decent whip nonetheless.

1997 VW Eurovan

Any van that has blinds is automatically in. Pretty sure this boss had a fold down table in it too. Just in case you want to get in a quick game of Chutes & Ladders on your morning commute. Unfortunately it had way too many windows to be classified as a rape van.

1998 Dodge Durango

So crispy and oh so clean. Seriously I wonder every day if the hands of Zeus himself designed the original D-Rango. Stuff of wet SUV dreams. Next thing you know Dodge totally changes it into the gayest SUV west of the Atlantic Ocean. Started running stupid ass commercials. Wonder where the Durango’s been? Yeah. I have wondered. Did it transfer to Dicksmooch State for a couple semesters?

1999 Ford Excursion

America wrapped up in a gas guzzling man child of a truck. Wasn’t there a Shaq special edish version? Guys at ford were like, “Ok, the Expedition is big but not nearly big enough.” Boom. Excursion. Not gonna get too far on an excursion of any kind in this beast though, shit got like 4 mpgs straight up.

Honorable Mention –

2001 Pontiac Aztek

It had a FUCKIN TENT that popped out of the back hatch.

2001 Chrysler PT Cruiser

Hey I got an idea! Lets build a car that looks like a hearse the Beach Boys would drive. That way we can transport dead bodies and surfboards at the same time. Surfs up dudes!

Hope y’all enjoyed that trip down memory foam lane. I know I did. Next time you see one of the aforementioned majestic creatures out on the open road, pause for a quick salute. That salute is for all the flaccid wieners driving this.

-JD