The Pekcorcism of Jeremy Lin

24 02 2012

After last night’s dismant-lin’ by the hands of the red hot heat (puns regrettably intended), knicks fans (read: the entire fucking world lately) are realizing that J-Lin aka Tebow of the NBA is susceptible to performances equally as shitty as his NFL media darling counterpart. The report that the two have become friends has to leave New Yorkers worried the foul stench of Tebow’s game may rub off, linfiltrate the once-Lindestructible’s new bachelor pad/lair, and

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

derail this much more respectable (though equally as annoying) Linderella story. In the words of the great scooby doo: ruh-roh.

Well don’t worry Knicks fans, if this apocalinpse (too much?) actually goes down as opposing defenses make like the heat and double ya boi on the high screens and/or continue forcing him to his left, have I got a killer bandwagon for you! (I know how much you love em)

Two words: Nikola. Pekovic.

No, that is not the sound clearing my throat and hawking a fat loog on the Rising Stars Challenge player list, it just so happens to be the name of the Montenegran Manchild starting at center for the Monstars Minnesota Timberwolves. Now while you take a New York Linute to laugh about a smaller market team you probably didn’t realize was better than you, ima try not to pop too much of a woody woodpek while I make my case:

-Since his Pekcellence is dropping shits on errbody, I spose I should hit you traditional bitches with his cumulative Randy Marsh-worthy game log

-As Aziz Ansari would say, This guy knows what I’m talking aboutthis guy definitely knows what I’m talking about

-At 6-11, 290 he is legally a monster and will literally eat you if you’re not finsta recognize (see scoob again)

-17-10-1 average in February, if that means anything to anyone. Also, shooting free throws better than Lin. Saywhaaa?

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, though apparently this DOES NOT apply to term papers and dick pics, fyi. Anyway, it got me wondering what one of them fancy moving pictures is worth…

Tell me that is not some silky ass shit straight outta the nightgown factory. In case the wrinkles or absolute defensive bewilderment threw you for a loop, yes that is ol’ man Duncan having no idea what just happened to him, beginning to trot down the court totin a pocketful of Werther’s originals angrily muttering “kids these days…”

But seriously fuck all that “coherent argument” noize. Dude’s a boss, just look at his arm. I can only assume each of those is representative of an actual human the Pek-ing ball has crushed. Scarier still, he may have to get it updated this weekend after he got looked over for All-Star Weekend’s rising stars challenge going off right now, sparking protest from none other than Kevin Love. Now at the time they drew up that roster maybe he hadn’t roared loud enough yet. But after adding Lin to the roster and being faced with a decision on who should replace Tiago Splitter (which is actually not a product, I’m told), they chose this guy. Seriously? Derrick Favors has nothing on Dr. Frankenstein’s teddy bear. But by now the Lin-crowd is saying what’s your point? We’re sitting pretty with Lin despite his linfinite turnovers, so why care about this lovable brute?

That's Why.

My point is it might do the clinically Linsane a little good to siphon off some of that pressure that could melt rock towards a candidate with hide thick enough to take it, but that still has the same steez that has pantylin’s snappin across the globe: reinvigorating his team, starring in animated films/video games, and looking damn good in the process.

 

So if you wanna say that this whole thing is just an awesome way to bitch about the Peksecutioner not getting to bust a new set of skulls in the rising stars challenge, I’d say… well you’re pretty much right on with that. But bottom line is he deserves it, and anyone who thinks otherwise is full of more shit than somebody who drank too much Kaopektate. So suck on that, and let the Pekstravaganza begin.

-5piece

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27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 10. The Pekcorcism of Jeremy Lin […]

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