The Ultimate Family

22 01 2012

Thank god I grew up in a time where I could learn all of my family values from hilarious sitcoms. I don’t think I’d be the man I am today had I not learned lessons like the importance of spending time with family, not horny snow bunnys in Vermont, around the holidays during that one Wayans Bros Christmas Special.

Following a recent family reunion during which I literally had to hear crazy uncle Jimmy sing a song about a garage, I starting thinking. Hypothetically, if I found a magic lamp and Robin Williams gave me three wishes I’d use wish two or three to assemble the ultimate family for a fun packed, once in a lifetime uber-family reunion. Location TBD but as of now my top choice is Knott’s Berry Farm.

After days of careful selection, we present to you: The Ultimate Family


Danny Tanner

Delt a shitty hand in life, he grabbed being a single dad by the balls and wrestled it into submission.

Mom –

Jill Taylor

Jonathan Taylor Thomas turned out pretty good, right?

Sisters –

Tia & Tamera Mowry

Tia was kind of lame. Tamera’s favorite rapper was Coolio. Both would probably be pretty lousy sisters now that I think about it.

Brothers –

Gary Coleman

I know, he’s dead. Dead tired of wondering what chu talkin bout.

Donnie Wahlberg

Having a less talented, less cut, gay brother is always a great daily confidence booster.

Grandmas –

Grandmother Willow

So wise yet so wooden.

Granny Smith Apple

If you’ve got a delicious fruit named after you you’re probably a bomb ass Granny.

Grandpas –

Grandpa from Hey Arnold

No brainer here. Coolest Grandpa ever? He’s got my vote.

Frank Barone

Just sitting in his chair yelling at a lamp shade. Thats all one can ask from a g-pa.

Aunts –

Aunt Jemima

I’d take pancakes and syrup for a Christmas gift any day.

Aunt May from Spiderman

Did a pretty decent job raising SPIDERMAN.

Auntie Annie

She doesn’t even have to exist. Literally a fresh batch of those hot ‘zels would be just as good. And less talkative.

Uncles –

Uncle Phil

$20 says Uncle Phil murders it on the grill during family cookouts

Uncle Kracker

You know Uncie Krack has some great stories to tell.

Uncle Sam

Downside: he’ll probably pressure me into the military. Upside: He’s got a sweet hat.

Cousins –

Cousin Eddie

I recently heard Randy Quaid is on the lam in Canada running from aliens and shit. Sounds like great reunion conversation.

Daisy Duke

For this one I’m thinking like third cousin twice removed so if we head behind the poolhouse and do some hand shit I’m not effin THAT terrible of a person.

Carlton Banks

Golden burn opportunites galore.

There ya have it. Someone tell me that weekend at Knott’s Berry Farm wouldn’t be a blast (from the past).

Honorable Mention – Foster Dad

Danny Glover

“I would never leave JP…he’s comin too!”





2 responses

7 08 2012
The Ultimate School «

[…] been a minute since we dropped an ‘ultimate’ post. In our past two ultimates, The Ultimate Family and The Ultimate Company, we took a look at the greatest family and greatest company ever […]

27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 1. The Ultimate Family […]

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