So last week I’m chillin when and I get a lil email from Kleinz 5-sev alerting me of some BIG breaking news. Ohh boy…what happened now, I wondered? Did we declare war on North Korea? Did Rihanna OD? Is Mighty Ducks 7: Quack in Black set to begin filming this summer? Nope, even better. A news story broke about former WWE star Chris “The Masterpiece” Masters saving his Mom from a burning house.
Stunned, I threw my can of Fresca at the wall and I wasn’t even drinking Fresca.
Could it be? Another WWE star proving to society that they ARE super heroes, even when not under the glimmering lights of Monday Night RAW? For those of you that forgot, a mere few months ago former WWE legend Daivari choke slammed some hobo on the Light Rail in Minneapolis, saving the entire train packed with people. An inspiring story, no doubt, but for a huge wrestling fan like myself, not in the least surprising. These guys have a civil duty to kick ass and take names when trouble is a-brewin. So, when I heard that Chris Masters saved his mom from a burning house, after I tossed an imaginary can of Fresca at my mom’s potted plant, I relaxed and thought to myself, “hell yeah, Masterpiece. Show that fire who’s boss”. It’s true. I did think that.
Before I dive into the details on this feel good story, a little background on The Masterpiece. If you’re not familiar with him, know this. Dude embodies his name like you wouldn’t believe. Like there’s jacked and then there’s unbelievably Chris Masters swoll. Straight muscle city all up in everyone’s grill. Pretty sure he got kicked out of the WWE for extensive steroid abuse, but that’s not the point. He’s cut up, y’all. His signature move was the master lock, an unbeatable full-nelson. Last I checked, nobody ever escaped from the master lock…ALIVE. He was an unstoppable force. Now, let’s rewind to freshman year of high school. JD Mcgridds was a huge WWE fan and coincidentally, a bit of a masterpiece himself. I don’t want to brag, but I was as swoll as swoll gets. Pumpin iron all day erey day will do that to ya. So when halloween rolled around I figured it only made sense for me to go as The Masterpiece. I’d be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t. Here’s a lil sneak peek:
I’m second up on the left. You know, the sexiest guy in the shot.
So anyways, me and the ‘piece go WAY back.
Now to the matter at hand, his heroic saving of his mother from a fiery inferno. Here’s what went down, and if I were you I’d buckle up. This one’s a wild one. Apparently his mother’s neighbor was going crazy and had barricaded himself inside mama masterpiece’s house threatening to burn it down. When The Piece showed up, he did just that. Now at this point in the story things normally turn tragic. Not here, friends. Chris Masters sprung into action. According to the police report he “uprooted a tree with his bare hands and used it as a battering ram to enter the house”. He tossed the tree through a window, hopped through the window, grabbed his dear ma and carried her to safety. Seconds later police rushed in and arrested the crazy neighbor on arson charges.
No big deal, just heading over to my mom’s for dinner on a Sunday night…la dee daaa, oh shit! Her neighbor just set the house on fire! No time to call the fire department….what. to. do…How about I uproot this mighty oak, throw it through the window and save my mom, old school style? Boom. Done.
Just a brilliant move by a brilliant athlete. Years and years of extensive training/HGH injections finally pays off. Normal folks like you and I probably would’ve cried in the fetal position while our mother burned alive inside. Not Chris. Dude acted quicker than John Goodman asks for a desert menu at The Cheesecake Factory and saved the mother effing day.
Bravo, Chris Masters. Bravo. We at the mime salute you.