Pass The What Now?

27 03 2013

Smack dab in the middle of Holy Week, a few days into Passover, and just a hop, skip, and a jump away from all those God fearing souls getting to once again openly partake in the lovely, tasty, and intoxicating things that they’ve been lying about abstaining from for the past 40 days. What a perfect time for some more ramblings from the religious correspondents desk, eh? My thoughts exactly.

Seriously though, Lent is like the half retarded offspring of New Year’s resolutions and rehab after a 7 minute teenage closet romp, think about it; it comes with twice the guilt ramifications if you can’t follow through and take care of it, or like forget it at the mall or something. But fear not ye Sunday morning sodomites, lent is not on the chopping block, this week I will be focusing on your Hebrew brethren.

Given that grizzly beards and a proficiency with numeros are not inherent traits to the men of my family, I had to do some digging to find out what this Passover thing is really about. Let me tell ya, its a pretty wacky party. Apparently, a couple years back a little dude named Moses, yep, that guy, got tired of scrapping sand out of his crack while being whipped a top a pyramid and decided to do something about it.
moses

But given his passive aggressive nature, clearly depicted here, he thought it best to just walk it off rather than throw down with an early member of what is now known as the Mossad. So he rounds up his crew, lights up a fatty and goes for a little stroll round the block to cool down. However, a mixture of short term memory loss and a powerful lust for camel’s milk causes Moses to lead his buddies on a little detour into the dessert, where they spend the next 40 years wandering around. Effectively carving in stone the rule that has been passed down through the ages; you never leave the high dude in charge of the directions. Thanks chief, now we know.

Obviously Moses needs to be celebrated for his blunderous discovery that has saved the future generations hours of aimless driving around. Well, except those two jokers in the movie who refused to just order a damn happy meal at the nearest drive through. Must not have heard this story growing up, though if memory serves they were neighbors with a couple of pot heads with ‘stein’ in their last names, thought they may have mentioned it. Nevertheless, I think I’m going to far surpass my allowed limit for stereotypes in this one, so we’ll leave trying to rationalize the chaotic decision making that comes from Asians getting behind the wheel to the professionals.

Ha, good stuff. Back to the man of the hour. How does one properly celebrate this monumental hero who buckled up and doubled the amount of coarse fragments between his cheeks for the good of us all? Most would be calling for strippers and cocaine, but no way Bubba, no amount of white girl, powdered or popping naked out of a cake, can hold a candle to what these party animals got going on.

They kick er off in the same fashion as any good bender, with a big meal; or ‘Seder’ as it is known in the Kingdom of Judah. However, the meal is prepared in a way to commiserate their ancestors who followed Stoner Jew out into the desert not knowing they would be walking for 40 years. Most of them wore through their sandals within the first week, and because of this the Jewish children are served the soles from last years back to school shoes, aka ‘Matzah’ as a way of paying homage.

Even Obama was enjoying chowin down on his old basketball sneaker earlier this week in Israel.

obama

Yum.

From there its seven more days of none stop orgy like craziness. They got pyrotechnics, sing a longs, trivia games, endurance contests, and enough distilled wheat liquor and wine to drown Ireland.

Anyone else ready to convert?

I’m Sold.

l’chaim!

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

pope5

Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

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Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz





How Did They Even Make It This Far?

13 03 2013

First off I gotta throw out a little apology to my main man JD and all the loyal followers of the Underrated Hottie. Unbeknownst to me, you guys had already gotten the low down on that stone cold fox Gina C back in May of last year. Wasn’t trying to steal your thunda big dog, though I will say she certainly is of the caliber worthy of a second look. In fact, if anyone wants to do a little compare and contrast on our mild obsession with the woman warrior, here is his briefs-crowding wisdom:

https://theoffdutymime.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/underrated-hottie-i-just-remembered/

Ok, I’m gona go out on a limb here and try and break in a new on going category for the mime, so let me know what you think. This list could go for days and days and will feature some of the DUMBEST human beings to ever have walked God’s green earth. I know, I know, how will we ever choose, right? Well, it will be tough but luckily there is no shortage of inspiration for this one and your friends here at the mime are willing to roll up our shirt sleeves and sift through the shit for ya to find the true gems.

If your one of those people who thinks it bad form to speak ill of the dead then fair warning, this list will not be for you. But think about it, if you are on the level of shire idiocy as the sorry sacks who’s names end up appearing below, without a doubt at some point your moronic behaviors will lead to your demise. And this is America after all, we love poking fun at other peoples shortcomings. So buck up.

Without further ado here we go.

Having the distinct honor of being our first ever character that natural selection should have stripped from this world a long, long time ago we have… Drum roll please…

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That’s right, its Natasha Harris; everyone’s favorite ‘coke head’ and no I’m not talking about those delicious nose clams that rhyme with propane here, Coca-Cola was her drug of choice. Yep, she actually managed to drink herself to death on soda pop. And before you wisenhimers jump all up in my grill, no Coke is not putting cocaine in their product again. But that would be ammmaaizzziiing!

However, this is old news, well her death is at least, but it has recently been brought up in a new light due to a coroner’s findings that this mother of 8 who met her maker back in 2010 was addicted to the sugary beverage.

Let me be clear here on what I mean by “addicted” cause we aint talking a few cans a day or any sort of equivalency to you so called “caffeine addicts” still chugging along with us today. This New Zealander would throw back more than two gallons of polar bear syrup a day! Yea you read it right, A DAY! But c’mon GBz, she was a big ol gal, she could probably handle her intake, right? Meh, I’m no doctor, but apparently she also mixed in a few packs of cigs and had a food intake similar to that of a Sudanese orphan. Jesus, maybe eat a Big Mac every now and again and you wouldn’t have to fuel up on straight diabetes to stay awake you loon! Might not be the best example but you get what I’m sayin.

What did Natasha have to show for her addiction? Well, she had developed cardiac arrhythmia, an enlarged liver, her teeth had been removed because of decay and she had heroin addict like withdrawals that would even turn violent when she couldn’t get her carbonated fix. And of course, there is the biggy- a ticker that quit on her at age 31. What the hell did you think was going to happen woman?

However, this coroner that did the autopsy seems like hes a few eggs short of a dozen himself. He doesn’t think that Coca-Cola should be held financially responsible for Harris’ death, obviously; though some type of frivolous law suit attempt will surely come out of this. He does suggest the Coke consider putting a warning label on its drinks.

Buddy, what would that actually accomplish? Clearly this woman was straight up illiterate because even a pre-schooler can read the god damn health chart pyramid.

coke2

See that word near the top next to sugar-“sparingly” yea, either she needed an updated version of Webster’s or this cow just flat out couldn’t read. However, those fancy book learned types who threw this chart together thought of those special few among us who still can’t get a grasp on the kings english as well. The food groupings are arranged by size!!! If you can’t figure that out, no warning label on the side of a can is going to help.

And regardless of education or literacy level, if you don’t think there is a direct correlation between consuming 11 times the recommended amount of any substance every single day of your life and your laundry list of health problems, then well, you deserve to be either locked up or put 6 feet under. Bottom line. Certainly your kids didn’t deserve the self inflicted early departure of their mother though, bitch. See, here at the mime we do have a heart:)

If she couldn’t put two and two together then how the hell did she even get that far in life, that’s what I want to know.

A little common sense people! That’s all we’re asking for!

Ok
-GBz





Underrated Hottie of The Week

12 03 2013

Before I begin, I know all of you out there are thinking; “Thank God” “Praise Allah” or cheersing another cup of that Kool-Aid to whatever name your cult leader goes by that GBz has given up on the religious themed rants for now. I get it, I hear ya- lets get back to something we can all agree on; sex, drugs, and rockin boobies. We got us another hottie here but damn, if I do say so myself, there ain’t nothing underrated about this one- fair warning.

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This mean knuckler would be Gina Carano, daughter of the former jock strap holder for Roger Staubach- NFL wanna-be quarterback Glenn Carano, and let me warn you boys, just in case you ain’t yet heard the name; she would happily tie her right arm and left foot behind her back and still beat your ass like she was paid to do it. Not saying I didn’t get a little hard just typing that, but actually she has been paid to do it, multiple times. She carries with her an impressive 12-1-1 professional MMA record and, as I eagerly wait to show you, still has the face to prove it takes more than a little luck to lay a glove on this pretty Texas flower.

gina6

I dont know bout yall but I’d certainly flip the bill for a few days hospital stay for the chance to be put in a leg lock by this:

gina4

gina2

Excuse me while I go “meditate” on those images awhile.

…..
…..
…..

….Well, that sure didn’t take long.

Back to the hottie herself. Certainly with a million dollar smile like hers and an attitude to boot, Hollywood was going to come a-knockin at some point, and knock it did, hard. Landing the leading role in a Steven Soderbergh picture (Haywire, 2011) is no small feat for anyone in the business of show, much less someone who previously got kicked in the teeth for a living. But she sure did it and hasn’t looked back since.

Gents, just go check out the trailer for Fast and Furious 6, you’ll see Paul Walker is no longer the prettiest one in that cast.

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Again, I’ll go ahead and assume that before this you fiends had already creeped all over my girl Gina, but even so, is anyone disappointed in taking a second look? I’ve certainly taken a third or forth, but maybe thats just me.

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Without question we got the most badass actress the silver screen has ever been graced with here and a stop traffic kind of a hottie.

Now I think I need another round of maste*- excuse me; “meditation”

Goodnight

-GBz





Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.

marc-ouellet

Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.

odilo

YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.

pope

Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent
-GBz





Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Underrated Hottie of the Week

7 03 2013

“Milks done that body good.” -Fat kid from Rookie of the Year

Margaret1

Margaret McPoyle, a hottie? Is this common knowledge? I feel like I might be late to the table on this one given how long the show has been on the air, but I gotta say, when I saw these real life pics of that lip-licking, uni-browed, incestuous sweaty little mute we all know and love from ‘Always Sunny’ they slapped me in the face like a bag of dicks.

But judge for yourself:

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I doubt it, but if there is anyone out there not familiar with the McPoyle clan, I’ll throw in a quick run down. They are a very close knit group, too close, in fact, for anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line. This gang of inbred savages has been “keepin ‘er in the fam” for a few too many generations and the effects are starting to show through. Take the main three members for example; Liam, Ryan, and their deaf-mute sister Margaret- three siblings who usually appear together, sweaty and half naked, drink only lukewarm milk and openly engage in acts of coitus with one another.

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How that is transformed back into this:

margaret6

Is nothing short of a Hollywood miracle.

Margaret’s real name is Thesy Surface, and while there is still a tiny little part of me that is tempted to throw out the term butterface, once you strip her out of that soaking double XL tee, wax that brow and wipe her brothers jizz off her face, that bod alone is certainly enough to qualify her as an underrated hottie in my book.

Thats it.

-GBz