Mantivities: Gotta Get This Shit Done

15 05 2012

Following a chest hair thickening weekend of chopping down a forest at my pops’ hunting land I realized manly activities, or mantivities as the kids call them these days, are not only enjoyable, but very necessary. Men of all ages need to engage in a healthy number of mantivities each year or they’ll turn gay and/or enter early stages of growing a Labia Majora. It’s just a scientific fact. If you disagree with that statement don’t get mad at me, get mad at science. Anyways, for years men have been documenting these mantivities I speak of. I recently discovered a very enjoyable blog that can help clue you in on a number of the activities I’m talking about called, appropriately enough,  Mantivities. Check it out. Or don’t.

However, amidst blasting through a hefty oak this weekend I began to realize I’ve been slacking in the mantivities category lately.  Guess you could say viciously destroying mother nature kind of opened yah boi’z eyes up. Turns out my corporate lifestyle is turning me softer than Clay Aiken at the Mrs. Universe pageant. Softer than a Hostess Ho Ho trapped between Wheelchair Jimmy’s ass cheeks. Not good news at all. BUT, I feel like I had my awakening at an early enough age where, if I put my mind to it, I can emerge manlier than ever by the time I’m 30. So, I put together a list of mantivities I need to get done in the next seven years. If I don’t I’ll consider my life the ultimate failure. I suggest all male Mime readers get this shit done as well.

Without further ado, here’s 20 mantivities I’m gunning for in the next decade.

#20) Complete a chainsaw sculpture

Bonus points for the sculpture not turning out like complete shit.

#19) Domesticate a wild fox

If that douche did it, it can’t be all that hard.

#18) Eat a garbage can lid filled with nachos

By myself. In one sitting. With no utensils

#17) Get some glamour shots done, sans undershirt

Bob Sapp did it. He also did this.

#16) Save a baby from a burning building

Then get a thank you blow job from the baby’s single and blazing hot mother.

#15) Start up a boy band

Dampen panties worldwide.

#14) Shoot a midget

Maybe not like in the face, but in the leg or something. Hopefully he’d survive and ultimately forgive me, then we’d be best pals. OR worst case scenario he’d shoot me back and my cause of death could be ‘gunfight with a midget’.

#13) Pet a live lion

Then stare it dead in the eyes and receive a look of mutual respect in return.

#12) Drive in a monster truck

If it’s not Grave Digger it’d be a monumental let down.

#11) Officially rename a popular condiment

I’m thinking changing Worcestershire Sauce to Weak Sauce. Thoughts, Heinz?

#10) Take a bullet for someone

Full swan dive included.

#9) Commandeer a hot air balloon

Worked out well in Rat Race.

#8) Reenact the Civil War

Just spend hours one hot July afternoon pretend slaying some Confederate ass.

#7) Bottle my own Maple syrup

Hopefully with this guy.

#6) Master Darrin’s Dance Grooves

Nothing screams bad ass dude quite like choreographed dance skillz. Keep in mind I tried this once in high school. Didn’t go so hot.

#5) Coordinate a 4th of July fireworks show

Go America all over EVERYONES ass.

#4) Build a pole barn nude

Talk about a two birds, one stone scenario – build a sweet ass building AND get a premium base tan.

#3) Go on a riverboat gambling trip

From what I’ve heard, anything goes out on the open river. Anything.

#2) Build a fire from scratch with Tom Hanks

Talk about satisfying.

#1) Open a brewery

God damn brewery!

 

After writing this list in full I am just now realizing the difficulty of accomplishing all twenty of these things in the next seven years. Screw it. Gotta aim high in this life.

Side Note: Any and all Mime readers (yep, all three of you) if you’ve done any of these magnificent accomplishments I need to know about it now.

 

– JD

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4 responses

26 07 2012
Amanda

Freaking hilarious! Thank you for helping me to waste my Friday afternoon at work

30 07 2012
JD McGriddle

Thanks! glad we can help ya get through the work week

27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 2. Mantivities: Gotta Get This Shit Done […]

5 06 2013
Throwback/Target Treasures Thursday:Britney Spears

[…] Did you own Darrin’s Dance Grooves video to learn how to do the steps? Source […]

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