Baby Makin’ Music

13 01 2012

R. Kelly said it best in the intro to his R&B classic, Sex Planet, off of 2007’s most slow jam packed album – Double Up.

I don’t know man, maybe I may have missed somethin, maybe ya’ll know something I don’t know but I like slow dancin in the club, fuck the bull shit. I like getting close to a fine-ass chick…

Here at The Off-Duty Mime we tend to agree with just about everything R has to say. I know, I know, he peed on some teeny bopper while his boys filmed it. He’s a monster..blah, blah, blah. Here’s the thing, maybe that teenager shouldn’t have made herself available to get urinated on? For all we know she lied about her age and then was like “Kells give me a golden shower, now!” And R. Kelly was probably like, “I doonn’t knowww if thatsss A gooo-uuu-oood ideaaAAA.” Then she was all like “I’m waiting…” So, naturally, he did it. Anyways, my point is I can overlook a little pee-pee situation when we’re dealing with THE KING of R&B.

Unfortunately, it seems these days fresh ‘baby makin music’ is hard to come by. Yeah, i guess you can consider a few top 40 songs as ‘baby makin music’, that is if you like to pound out an emo-bang to Adele’s Someone Like You. I, for one, would rather reproduce in a bathtub filled with various deli meats while a lil Barry White bumps in the background. Thats just me. So for those of you who forgot the timeless art that is the Slow Jam and would rather get a blowie in a hot tub while listening to how Rihanna found love in a hopeless place, this post is for you.

#10 Kicking things off is Mr. Slow Jam himself aka The King of R&B aka Sylvester with none other than Sex In The Kitchen. 

R’s lyrics paint a picture to the listener the way Pat Summerall and John Madden used to lay out each snap on Sundays during the 90s. Just perfection. Here’s how every conversation pre-2005 went – “Hey babe, I want to bang on the kitchen counter but I don’t think there is a song we can play that will cater to that fantasy..” Thank the lord, R Kelly dropped this cut. Straight fire.

#9 Up next is an instant classic from Boyz II Men – I’ll Make Love To You

How bout that music video? Hey super hot chick who’s house I just installed a badass security system in, next time you’re gettin freaky in your bathtub, hop out and check the door for a super in-depth love letter I just crafted. Oh, and next time you need your alarm system worked on, LETS PLOW. These dudes are as smooth as Howie Mandel’s scalp. Gotta love the dude in the suspenders and backwards cap. Straight silky. He might be the only dude who can rock the Newsies outfit and not get punched in the crotch.

#8 Old School Ursher comin in hot wif 1997’s seduction ballad – Nice & Slow

These days it seems all Ush-daddy cares about is making shitty music with will.i.am and Pitbull. What happened to the usher that had a couple pregnant bitches-on-the-side and couldn’t stop dropping confessions? Too busy singing boning ballads to worry about Pitbull and his shit-tastic Dr. Pepper Commercials. Seriously though, how awesome would it be to be cruising through Paris, snapping photos of the Eiffel Tower and shit and next thing you see is Usher gyrating in a golden tracksuit while filming this music video?

# 7 is a straight classic from The Godfather of baby makin – Barry White’s Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love Baby

If I could pick one person ever to narrate my life it would be Barry. His vocal cords make my groin tingle. So you know if thats the case, any lady is straight moist from a guy like this. Remember Basketball Jones, anyone? I bought that Space Jam soundtrack in 2nd grade and my life was never the same.

#6 R Kells back with another – Bump & Grind

Seriously, I too, do not see ANYTHING wrong with a little bump n grind. Like, literally nothing. You know the part in the music video right before the concert is about to start where R is all strapped up and he busts out and then starts performing? That’s exactly what happened in my pants about 4 seconds ago. Slow it down to speed it up nahmean?

#5 The 80s own, Keith Sweat, throwin down fire on Make It Last Forever

Legitimately, the only reason why this song is on the countdown is because I honestly heard it in a goddamn elevator last week. Who classified this as elevator music? Whoever did should be THANKED. 20 bones says a couple bank tellers hopped in the elevator right after me, heard this tune, and made that elevator ride from the 4th to the 1st floor last forever. In their memories, that is, because of the bang-sesh and stuff.

#4 R. Kelly did it again! Sex Weed

Now, I don’t smoke weed, but if I did, this song would be numero uno on my gettin down playlist. If marijuana-sex metaphors are $100 bills, Kells would have like $2500 bucks after recording this song. So smooth yet so subtle. First time I heard it I legitimately didn’t know what it was about. Had to listen seven more times before I finally caught on. I’d chalk it up to the mystery that is Robert Sylvester Kelly’s lyrics I guess.

#3 Twista – Wetter

The fastest MC in the game doesn’t just rap for the fellas, no, he throws down for the ladies too. Here we’ve got a prime example of that. I like to think of it as a PSA from Twist. If any of you females out there were questioning his dedication to satisfying your sexual needs, pop this track on and then come talk. Still don’t believe him? Guess you don’t want to be an overnight celebrity then. Yep, he can do that too. From street bum to chillin on the couch at 106 & Park.

#2 Kells back in yo grill with Sweet Tooth

I could literally put any track from 07’s Double Up on this countdown and it would be legit. That album is like auditory Levitra. Jimmy Johnson should sponsor it. In Sweet Tooth R takes us on a journey through candy land. Only instead of a friendly children’s game, its a land where the candy is life sized and you can bang in a ball pit of Skittles. Hot right?

#1 You guessed it. R. Kelly again. The song is still about sex, only in outer space this time. Sex Planet

And don’t tell me the logistics of banging in space makes it completely impossible. You heard the man. He wants to be the first couple to “have sex on planet Neptune.” I bet he figures it out, too. Took us years to put a man on the moon and goddamn R Kelly figures out how to fuck while orbiting a gassy planet. He also rhymed ‘Uranus’ and ‘anus’. Pure genius.

Well there it is people. 10 classics to get your weekend started right. This Mime is officially back on-duty. Come by the Grand Ave Mall in Milwaukee this afternoon to see if I can get out of an invisible glass box.

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27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 15. Baby Makin’ Music […]

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