How Did They Even Make It This Far?

13 03 2013

First off I gotta throw out a little apology to my main man JD and all the loyal followers of the Underrated Hottie. Unbeknownst to me, you guys had already gotten the low down on that stone cold fox Gina C back in May of last year. Wasn’t trying to steal your thunda big dog, though I will say she certainly is of the caliber worthy of a second look. In fact, if anyone wants to do a little compare and contrast on our mild obsession with the woman warrior, here is his briefs-crowding wisdom:

https://theoffdutymime.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/underrated-hottie-i-just-remembered/

Ok, I’m gona go out on a limb here and try and break in a new on going category for the mime, so let me know what you think. This list could go for days and days and will feature some of the DUMBEST human beings to ever have walked God’s green earth. I know, I know, how will we ever choose, right? Well, it will be tough but luckily there is no shortage of inspiration for this one and your friends here at the mime are willing to roll up our shirt sleeves and sift through the shit for ya to find the true gems.

If your one of those people who thinks it bad form to speak ill of the dead then fair warning, this list will not be for you. But think about it, if you are on the level of shire idiocy as the sorry sacks who’s names end up appearing below, without a doubt at some point your moronic behaviors will lead to your demise. And this is America after all, we love poking fun at other peoples shortcomings. So buck up.

Without further ado here we go.

Having the distinct honor of being our first ever character that natural selection should have stripped from this world a long, long time ago we have… Drum roll please…

coke1

That’s right, its Natasha Harris; everyone’s favorite ‘coke head’ and no I’m not talking about those delicious nose clams that rhyme with propane here, Coca-Cola was her drug of choice. Yep, she actually managed to drink herself to death on soda pop. And before you wisenhimers jump all up in my grill, no Coke is not putting cocaine in their product again. But that would be ammmaaizzziiing!

However, this is old news, well her death is at least, but it has recently been brought up in a new light due to a coroner’s findings that this mother of 8 who met her maker back in 2010 was addicted to the sugary beverage.

Let me be clear here on what I mean by “addicted” cause we aint talking a few cans a day or any sort of equivalency to you so called “caffeine addicts” still chugging along with us today. This New Zealander would throw back more than two gallons of polar bear syrup a day! Yea you read it right, A DAY! But c’mon GBz, she was a big ol gal, she could probably handle her intake, right? Meh, I’m no doctor, but apparently she also mixed in a few packs of cigs and had a food intake similar to that of a Sudanese orphan. Jesus, maybe eat a Big Mac every now and again and you wouldn’t have to fuel up on straight diabetes to stay awake you loon! Might not be the best example but you get what I’m sayin.

What did Natasha have to show for her addiction? Well, she had developed cardiac arrhythmia, an enlarged liver, her teeth had been removed because of decay and she had heroin addict like withdrawals that would even turn violent when she couldn’t get her carbonated fix. And of course, there is the biggy- a ticker that quit on her at age 31. What the hell did you think was going to happen woman?

However, this coroner that did the autopsy seems like hes a few eggs short of a dozen himself. He doesn’t think that Coca-Cola should be held financially responsible for Harris’ death, obviously; though some type of frivolous law suit attempt will surely come out of this. He does suggest the Coke consider putting a warning label on its drinks.

Buddy, what would that actually accomplish? Clearly this woman was straight up illiterate because even a pre-schooler can read the god damn health chart pyramid.

coke2

See that word near the top next to sugar-“sparingly” yea, either she needed an updated version of Webster’s or this cow just flat out couldn’t read. However, those fancy book learned types who threw this chart together thought of those special few among us who still can’t get a grasp on the kings english as well. The food groupings are arranged by size!!! If you can’t figure that out, no warning label on the side of a can is going to help.

And regardless of education or literacy level, if you don’t think there is a direct correlation between consuming 11 times the recommended amount of any substance every single day of your life and your laundry list of health problems, then well, you deserve to be either locked up or put 6 feet under. Bottom line. Certainly your kids didn’t deserve the self inflicted early departure of their mother though, bitch. See, here at the mime we do have a heart:)

If she couldn’t put two and two together then how the hell did she even get that far in life, that’s what I want to know.

A little common sense people! That’s all we’re asking for!

Ok
-GBz

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Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.

marc-ouellet

Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.

odilo

YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.

pope

Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent
-GBz





Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

5 03 2013

home
Yea I’m gona throw a little Mother Goose ass nursery rhyme at ya in my, I’m sure long-awaited by now, first post to the mime; but it is not without context. Recently I swallowed what was left of my pride (which was barely more than what was left in my bank account) and moved back in with my parents. Now, you over achievers out there who snatched up that college diploma, tossed that cap in the air and fell right into that financially supportive dream job, might not be familiar with what I’m talking about here, but feel free to take notes; you know, just in case that cubicle wall view starts to get a little stale after a while.

For those who [over] enjoyed the freedoms that come with the seemingly nation wide social acceptance of college age kids being complete messes day in and day out, there are a few things that change once put back under parental lock and key. A semi-intelligent person may try to argue the fact that college grads are now grown ass adults and can make their own choices, but Bubba, any parent worth their salt never gets sick of the age-old saying “my house, my rules.” So, for anyone in a similar sitch, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Even if she’s not a screamer, your rickety ass bed frame makes more noise then you think.

2. Regardless of the garnishes, Bloody Mary’s aren’t actually a breakfast food.

3. You are no longer a pre-pubescent teenager, so creamin in a sock and stuffing it into a hamper will lead to a conversation you don’t want to have with mom come laundry day.

3B. Mysterious bottles of yellow liquid tend to have a similar effect; there is no longer an acceptable explanation for the toilet being “too far away.”

4. Having a few while tweeting does not make you just a “social drinker.”

5. Spitters are no longer recyclable.

6. Thirsty Thursday is not an officially recognized holiday.

6B. Neither is Sunday Funday for that matter, sorry.

7. The walk of shame takes on a whole new feel when your mother offers her coffee on the way out.

8. Vomit must ALWAYS be cleaned up that night, not the morning after.

9. Sun rise is not a reasonable bed time.

10. And finally, you know that bong you haven’t boiled in two years? Well in a house not excessively frequented by pot heads that shit is going to stink worse than a hookers ass at Sunday morning mass, no matter where you hide it.

That’s all for now

-GBz





The Mime Year in Review

27 12 2012

2012YIR

The new year is almost upon us. 2013 is right around the corner. New years eve is a mere few days away. It’s also the Thursday after Christmas. If you’re like me, you have to work today and your office is a ghost town. Pretty sure a tumbleweed just rolled by my desk. But I’ll spare you the pain of listening to me bitch about how pointless it is to work today and instead, let’s dive into this post.

With 2013 a couple days away, we’ve got some time to reflect on the great year that was 2012. Some great things happened in 2012. New people emerged, new trends were born, new products were introduced. But what was the greatest thing to come out of 20 aught 12? Was it the iPhone 5? Gagnam Style? One Direction? No, idiots. You’re looking right at it. Because on January 9, 2012 the Mime was born, and on that day, I submit, the internet changed forever. Duh you submit that shit, JD, you created the Mime. I sure as hell did, champ, now shut the hell up and let me talk for a minute.

It’s hard to believe that it’s nearly been a year since the Mime breathed its first internet-breath. It seems like just yesterday we were a tiny, virtually unknown and unvisited wanna-be comedy blog on wordpress. Man, how times have changed. Since then, we’ve added a few writers, and had quite a few laughs. If you’ve been with us since the start, we appreciate the support. If you accidentally landed on us looking up Saving Silverman quotes on tumblr, thanks for stopping by and we’re sorry for the disappointment. And if this is somehow your first visit, get with the fucking times, bro! TODM is making waves, and if you’re not on board, you’re either gay or in jail. Or both. You’re a gay jailbird.

In honor of the great year that was, let’s look back at the top fifteen mime posts of the year. Now, bear with me as I sift through all the classic journalistic masterpieces we’ve featured and if you disagree, feel free to tell us about your favorite post in comment section below! Or go never come back and request the Mime be blocked by your employer, whatever works.

15. Baby Makin’ Music

Basically the post that started it all. Think of it as the first of the Mohicans, if there was such a man. If there was he was probably was pretty bored, now that I think about it. All Mohican and hanging by himself in the woods. Damn, how do I spread my Mohican seed? Oh hey pretty Mohican lady, let’s start a tribe. Boom history. Anyways, this post is good for spreading seed. And not bird seed at the arboretum, if you catch my drift.

14. Corporate Jargon That Makes Me Want to Swan Dive Off The Roof Of My Office Building

Sonion Rings much anticipated Mime debut. Amidst a shitastic job an employer that will be left unnamed, Sonny let his anger spew on the pages of the Mime like Dan Brown writing the Da Vinci Code II: The Da Vinci Rubiks Cube. Definitely a great post to come back to after Carol in HR tells you to “blast one out your ass and sign the damn 401K paperwork already, I needed it last Tuesday for christsake”, whatever that means.

13. Best Beards In The Biz: Part II

Best Beards Part I was pretty legit, but it felt unfinished. Like shaving only one ball. Felt incomplete. Then part two came along and made things right. Paid homage to soul patches and mutton chops and 5 o’clock shadows.

12. Let’s Talk About ‘Flight’ 

A month ago TODM’s resident movie buff, Kleinz 57 took his movie reviewing to a whole new level when he dropped his exclusive interview with the one and only Denzel Washington. D-zel was a bit preoccupied, I can assume the interview took place on some sort of yacht or maybe at Ruby Tuesdays, but the scoop the chup man dug up was priceless.

11. Feel Good Story of the Day: T.I. Saves Scott Stapp

Here at the Mime we do a lot of bitching. OW’s, this week in America’s worst jobs, critical movie breakdowns, a lot of negative shit. Well in early October, a feel good story came out that nearly blew the pubes right off my sac. A rapper and a hard rocker, coming together in the weirdest of situations. It was magic.

10. The Pekcorcism of Jeremy Lin

While the entire world was collectively creaming themselves for a month and a half straight over Linsanity last winter, Minnesota Timberwolves fans were getting a taste of their own minority sensation (if being Montenegrin is a minority). It seemed Jeremy Lin’s NBA takeover overshadowed even the largest of European giants pummeling bitches in snowy Minnesota. Luckily, 5 Piece Thuggets, TODM’s resident super-slacker, was there to drop some knowledge.

9. G.O.O.D. Music = Miami Heat

In mid September Green Eggz N Pink Ham returned from his summer-long sabbatical of teaching Nepalese children how to pop lock it drop it in the Mountains. He proceeded to drop a spot on comparison of Kanye West’s uber douche music crew aka G.O.O.D. Music with the Miami Heat. The rest was comedy gold.

8. Rap-letes: The Greatest Hits

Originally intended to be released as a limited edition compilation album, this super-list of the best athlete-turned-rapper songs was an instant classic. Rap-letes are consistently under appreciated in the American music industry and it only seemed right to drop something that aimed to change that trend. Well it didn’t at all, but don’t tell me there weren’t some classics in there.

7. OW: Are You F-king Kidding Me?

Among the many segments I’ve tried to implement here on the mime, Overreaction Wednesdays is the only one that seemed to really click, and by click I mean is actually enjoyed by our readers. Well in mid April, HuffPo dropped a story literally about a town called Fucking. Hilarious right? We thought so too.

6. Overreaction Wednesday: Graduation

One thing we like to do on the mime is spread knowledge, especially to our younger readers. In this OW, 5 Piece throws down a sort of warning to the hell that is the day you finally graduate from college. Delay it as long as you can, guys. Delay it.

5. TBS: C’mon, they’re trying really hard and stuff…

I love to shred TBS for their terrible original programming. So when I heard about their horrendous new lineup (See: The Wedding Band) I nearly shat myself with excitement to write an article ripping them a new one. TBS, if you’re reading this, keep trying fellas. You’ll get there. Hey at least Conan fell in your lap.

4. Overreaction Wednesdays: Bikram Yoga

Over the last 12 months we’ve learned that writing about your own personal experiences usually produces the funniest stuff. Well Sonny Ringz embodied that theory to the fullest when he dropped an OW classic on his Bikram yoga session from hell.

3. OW: Week of the Glory Hole 

On the first of August, the stars aligned in a magically glory hole related way, and yet another premium OW was born. Everybody knows glory holes are hilarious, but who knew that a week during which two separate glory hole references would be unearthed is absolutely hysterical? Not I, that’s for sure. Not I.

2. Mantivities: Gotta Get This Shit Done

Around mid-May I started to get the feeling this blog was getting a little fruity. I’m talking posts about fashion, frequent gay dude references and I think someone compared us to a bowl of gay fruit. Needless to say, I needed to man up in a major way. So following a weekend of chopping timber in the northwoods, the mime dropped a checklist of mantivities to complete by year’s end. Didn’t quite make it.

1. The Ultimate Family

When people look at various legendary athlete’s careers there’s usually a defining moment when they go from a good player to a star. Well here at the mime we look at the ultimate family post as that moment. When we went from a lame, unoriginal blog to a freakin comedy legend, minus the legend part. Followed by The Ultimate School and The Ultimate Company, the ultimate fam laid a swag foundation on which we’ve built this blogosphere masterpiece.

 

Top to bottom, not too shabby a list. It’s been a great year, and hopefully the first of many for the mime. Look for some limited edition mime t-shirts within the next couple months.

 

Happy New Year everybody!

 

– JD





How Does Yesterday Stack Up Against The Best Sports Days of The Year?

17 12 2012

Happy_NFL_Football_Day

If you’re a normal, oxygen-breathing, calzone eating, youporn visiting, red blooded American man you probably spent the majority of yesterday on the couch glued to the TV watching NFL game after NFL game after NFL game. I know I did. After the unimaginable tragedy on Friday making it seem like nothing is right in this world, a Sunday packed with football, beer and wheat thins was just what the doctor ordered. And what a day of football it was. Overtime thrillers, division rival defensive showdowns, comeback stories, I felt like I was in the middle of a NFL Films footage cutting session all day. By the end of the Patriots – 49ers game I have to assume ESPN breathed a massive sign of relief. Just exhaling like their AIDS test came back negative. Because sweet lord were they hyping up yesterday’s menu of piping hot NFL match ups like it was the greatest sports day to hit our nation ever. That’s all I heard Friday and Saturday on Sports Center. Herm Edwards screaming meaningless stuff about determination, Chris Mortensen reporting on field conditions at like six different stadiums, Rachel Nichols getting less hot and more annoying.

Luckily for them, the slate of awesome games basically lived up to the hype. Just when the Sunday Night game looked to be a total blowout and waste of three hours, Tom Brady and his Uggs roared back to life and made it a game. It was beautiful.

So it got me thinking, how does a great Sunday of NFL games stack up against every other day of the year in terms of sports awesomeness? I’d argue that it can give any of the classic great sports days a run for their money. Think about it. Usually the great NFL sundays are during late fall or winter. That means the weather probably sucks out. Unless you’re six years old and into building snowmen and skipping through freshly fallen powder, you probably want to stay inside all day. What better excuse than to watch 12 hours of football? It’s also a time of year where malls and stores are goddamn nightmares to go to. So what better way to say fuck you retail, I’m doing my shopping online this year motherfucker than a day where you vow to never leave the couch?

Here are the sporting days I think can compete with yesterday’s football-fest. The rest, simply cannot.

1. Opening day of March Madness

2. 24 hours of college basketball tip off

3. Christmas day NBA games

4. The Super Bowl

5. New Years Day college football

6. Sunday of the Masters

7. One of those random middle days of the Summer Olympics

 

That’s pretty much it though. Why is Thanksgiving Day football not on the list, JD? Ahh, maybe because the Lions and the Cowboys always play. They usually suck, so the games usually do too. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Thanksgiving football but it doesn’t stack up in comparison to the rest. The Olympics barely made the cut because, let’s be honest, it’s usually track and field and diving and gymnastics. Not the most exciting stuff. But I will say watching Jamaica sweep the 100 meter and then watching Mikey Phelps crush China’s ass in swimming on the same night was pretty enjoyable. I still stick by my number one – theopening day of March Madness. Sure, you could make an argument for a day later in the tournament, say during the Sweet 16, has better games, but I still think that first day is the best. Everyone’s all pumped, thinking their bracket is the best, usually there are couple upsets in the mix, there’s like 20 games being played at once, it’s pure sports magic.

Congrats to Rog Goodell for throwing together a baller week 15 NFL schedule. If yesterday was any indication, we should be in for a hell of a postseason in January.

GO PACK GO

– JD





OW: A Better List of Terrible Things That Must End In 2013

12 12 2012

stop_figure

As I’m killing the first half hour of the day this morning running through my usual rolodex of websites, I noticed a little list on Gawker called ’22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013′. Seemed like a clever idea for an article, so I read it. Well surprise, surprise, the list sucked.  Shocking since apparently it was written by some guy named Cord Jefferson. Sweet name bruh. Chances are you suck when your name is something you can buy at Home Depot. Whatever, I’m not going to sit here and bash this dude’s name, what’s more important is his half assed list of “terrible” things that need to end in 2013. For starters, about half the stuff on the list isn’t even that bad. For example, he includes Dubstep, parody twitter accounts and talking about bacon. Ummm holmes, those are three pretty sweet things right there. Let’s take it easy on dubstep, and Skrillex in particular, dude just broke up with Ellie Goulding, he’s an emotional mess. Parody twitter accounts are freaking hilarious, take the recently created modern day Seinfeld one for example, and talking about bacon will never get old. Ever.

Here’s the deal, if you’re going to create a list of terrible shit that needs to end, you’ve got to include some actually terrible stuff that needs to end. Seems like a no brainer, but I guess when you’re named after an orange electric rope I use to plug in my christmas lights you might miss something big like that. And I’ll admit, Cordless Drill Jefferson had a few good ones in there. I wholeheartedly agree with exterminating toe shoes and the word swag from the face of the earth. But you’ve got to stay consistent, Corduroy Bear.

So to make things right in the internet universe, once again the Mime is here to save the day. What the fine folks at Gawker could not accomplish, the league of extraordinary gentlemen at TODM sure has hell can. So here’s a better list of terrible things that need to end in 2013. Read it and weep, planet earth.

1. The World

Environment__POST_APOCALYPSE_by_I_NetGraFX

Let’s get this one out of the way first. I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all fucked. Those crafty Mayans and their calendars and pyramids and sun gods better be goddamn right about the apocalypse. Either send Bruce Willis up there to blow up the asteroid before it smashes us all to pieces or just end this shit. Preferably with zombies. I really want to cap some zoms.

2. Dr. Pepper Commercials

Dr Pepper

We get it already. There’s 23 fuggin flavors in each can of Dr. Pepper. You’re not fooling anyone with this whole I’m one of a kind bullshit campaign. No, you’re not one of a kind. You work at Jiffy Lube. You just chugged a Dr. Pepper because it was the only thing left in the vending machine, not because it helps express your individuality. Never thought I’d say this, but go back to those Pauly Sr. commercials. I want to see his handlebar mustache murder a kid over soda.

3. Mice

gay-mice

Does anyone like mice? I mean besides owls and foxes because they eat them. They basically just scurry around and get into mischief and nibble through furniture. Not trying to waste my money on a bunch of mouse traps so I can murder them and throw them in the trash. Instead let’s gather hands around the world and wipe these squeaky bastards off the face of the earth.

4. The New Normal

new-normal

Ahh fuck, we’re NBC and we just realized Modern Family is all successful and shit because it embraces the new type of family complete with divorces and step kids and gay dudes. Hey here’s an idea, let’s copy the fuck out of it and emphasize the gay thing and the bitchy queen bee mom. Yeah! People will love it! Hell of a show. Oh wait. Not at all. Here’s the truth NBC, I see a 30 second spot for this show and next thing I know I’m on google typing in ‘how to buy a bucket of poison’.

5. Hummus

hummus

Has anyone ever sat back and actually tasted hummus? Tastes like flavorless oatmeal with sand in it. I’m convinced the only reason why chicks like it so much is they can dip delicious tasting crackers in it because it has very low trans fats. Newsflash ladies, the crackers taste good enough to overpower the ass taste of hummus. Arabs should stick to jihad and death to infidels and give up the hummus game.

6. Sideline Reporters

Andrea Kraemer

Deadspin had a great article on this a while back. They literally serve no purpose. None. The only exception is the hot ones, and even they’re numbers are dwindling. EA is an in-studio host on Fox now, Alex Flanagan is real hit or miss and Sam Steele is like the only one holding it down on ESPN any more. Hey guys, I asked the coach what they had to do differently to get back in this game, he said they have to limit turnovers and be more effective on offense, back to you!  Even worse is when they do the multi screen to interview an injured athlete on the sidelines. Yo Michele Tafoya, trying to watch this big 3rd and 8, not hear about James Harrison’s pre-game meal rituals.

7. $5.00 credit card minimums

5-Minimum-Charge-on-Credit-Card-Purchases

Here’s the deal Sandra at Citgo, I’m just trying to buy this diet coke so I won’t fall asleep in this conference call I’m about to go into and all I have on me is plastic. Not trying to throw two snickers and a pack of Parliaments in there to reach the minimum, it’s goddamn 7AM. Just take my damn business and then you can go back to talking on the phone about last nights episode of TMZ.

8. Christmas Shoes

christmas shoes

First of all, Patton Oswalt said it best. I can’t compete with that. Seriously though, it’s been like 12 years, I’m fairly certain nobody likes this song anymore. At first it was all, oh the little boy is buying shoes for his dead mom, its so touching! Now it’s like, holy christ this song sucks. We get it, the dude wasn’t in the Christmas mood so god sent the little boy to remind him what christmas was all about. Who deliberately puts this song on during the holidays anyways?? Fuck that Nat King Cole album, let’s toss Christmas Shoes on repeat, that way we’ll really get in the holiday spirit. 

9. Women Wearing These Hats

fidelhatblack

Last I checked, that style hat doesn’t even look good on my great uncle and he’s a goddamn Vietnam Vet. Ladies, plain and simple this type of hat looks flat out stupid. Like I’ve never seen a girl wearing one and been like, wow! That military style hat really makes her sexy. I like how I can’t see her eyes and I’m wondering at this point if she’s in ROTC. Hot. Standard baseball caps are cool, in fact some girls look really sexy in those. Military caps however, not so much.

10. Bob Costas on SNF

costas-johnson-sanctimony

He’s a broadcasting legend, I get it. Cool. Whenever the Olympics come around, get Bob on TV. I’m fine with that. Just please get rid of his pointless, smug halftime speech segment during Sunday Night Football. Adding Hines Ward to the mix hasn’t helped much either. Sweet Bob, you’re pissed about the Saints Bounty sanctions. Nobody cares. Go back to Coach Dungy and the gang in studio for ten minutes and let’s get back to football. No need for Bobby C’s infinite douchey-ness clogging up my TV.

11. 26.2 and 13.1 Bumperstickers

26.2btrtsmalloval

 

I’m not even going to hate on marathon runners for this one. If you want to pay money to run so far you nearly kill yourself, get a shiny medal then brag about it to all your pals then go for it. But cut it out with the bumperstickers. I have a basic understanding of marathons. A marathon is 26.2 miles. A half marathon then is 13.1 miles. Don’t need to be Asian to crunch those numbers. So unless that 26.2 stands for number of hoagies you ate last night, nobody gives a shit.

12. Gotye

gotye-gq_jpg_630x362_q85

 

If anyone on planet earth still likes this guy they should be thrown in a volcano. You’re song blows dude. Ease up on the xylophone and please, please, please don’t make any new music. I’m begging you.

13. Skinny Ties

bowie-skinny-tie

 

I’m still cool with skinny jeans. I don’t rock them myself, but I appreciate a good pair. It says I’m cool but at the same time I’m not at all. I like that. Skinny ties on the other hand need to go. Sweet dude you have a black fettuccini noodle hanging from your neck. How bout grow a pair and get a bugs bunny tie like the rest of us normal people.

14. Hacky Sacks

hacky-711901

 

Nothing against hack’n it up every now and then, just thinking hacky sacks have probably run their course by now. Hey wanna kick around this knit sack of pebbles with me? Nah, I’d rather do pretty much anything else. Alright cool.

15. Panini Makers

Panini Maker

 

I know like 7 people who’ve received a panini maker as a gift in the last few years and I’ve literally never seen any of them use it. Just kind of take up space. In reality, they’re kind of lame. Plus, not trying to take biz away from the panini maker people but check it guys – George Foreman grills work the exact same way.

 

I think 15 is a nice solid sounding number to end on. So take that, Cord. Now let’s hope that if the world doesn’t end in like 9 days, at least maybe a few of those 15 things will. Chances are slim, but I can dream can’t I?

 

– JD





NFL Coaches I Want to Punch, Part 1

11 12 2012

r-PETE-CARROLL-FACEBOOK-large570

 

Yesterday night I’m watching the Patriots – Texans game, because my entire fantasy season was riding on the outcome and I expected it to be a pretty good matchup, and I found myself getting pretty pissed with Texas coach Gary Kubiak. While John Gruden was in the booth creaming himself for Kubiak’s “old school” approach to his game planning, Gary was calling a bunch of terrible plays mainly including not running the ball to Arian Foster. Listen, I kind of get it, Matt stump the Schaub has a cannon and he usually racks up a ton of yards a game. Here’s the thing though, he was throwing like a total idiot last night. Couldn’t make a throw to save his life. Missing guys left and right. Meanwhile, you happen to have, arguably, the best running back in the league and you gave him like 11 carries. At this point, it has to be fairly obvious that I have Arian Foster on my team and I needed him to beast it last night. Well he wound up having an ok night, and ok don’t cut it when you’re down 11 going against a guy with Wes Welker and Andre Johnson.

Needless to say, I fucking lost. But that’s not the point. The main point I’m driving at here is the realization I had that a large majority of NFL coaches are total dickheads. Hey, maybe it comes with the job, I mean a coach does have to control a team of angry man child beasts every single day of the season. To do that you need to have a head on your shoulders. But overall, it seems like most coaches would be royal pain in the dicks to hang out with for an hour.

To make matters weirder, for some reason this trend doesn’t seem to extend into other professional sports. In fact, most NBA coaches seem to me like alright dudes. Same goes for MLB managers. Can’t say for sure about NHL coaches because let’s be honest, I can name like two of them, tops.

So here’s a quick list of the top NFL coaches, in no particular order, I would very much like to kick in the wang. Enjoy.

 

Gary Kubiak

kubiak_mug

 

As I said, this guy is basically just asking to be punched in the face. Dude hand writes down every play on his Denny’s menu each week. Hey brah, I appreciate the dedication to the old fashioned way but if you got your hands on an Excel spreadsheet or three you’d probably have more time to prepare one of the most talented teams in the league to not get blown out on Monday Night Football.

Pete Carroll

1ablog-petecarrollx-large

 

Pete Carroll is the epitome of douche coach. Oh shit I just cheated my dick off at USC, oh well peace out homeys, I’m coaching the Seahawks now. His face is just asking for a bowling ball to smash it.

Norv Turner

Norv Turner

 

How Norval still has a head coaching job is one of the biggest mysteries of the modern world. Only thing I can think is he’s gotta be providing premium oral favors to the Chargers front office because every year the experts say oh shit! This is the Chargers’ year to win it all! And then every year they suck ass and do absolutely nothing in the post season. Norv’s neck also looks like what I expect the surface of Mars might look like.

Lovie Smith

Lovie Smith

 

First of all, dude you have the same name as Mr. Howell’s wife from Gilligan’s Island. Kind of gay. Second, your laid back low key don’t say much of anything no emotions approach is getting annoying as tits. Bro. You’re a goddamn head coach in the NFL. You control basically the most intense 3 hours of the week for all of Chicago. Act pumped a little bit. Christ.

Mike Smith

Mike Smith

 

Guy just seems like he’d tell a couple lame jokes about hookers, get pissed there’s no Makers Mark at your house and then spend the next four hours on his cell phone yelling at his teenage sons.

Rex Ryan

rex ryan

 

Those hilarious foot fetish videos that surfaced a year or so ago kind of swung the scales for a while, but in the long run even the creepiest foot banging footage can’t keep me from hating sexy Rexy. I’d imagine he’d smell like a Macaroni Grill and get pretty damn annoying pretty damn quick.

Tony Sparano

tony sparano

 

I know, technically he’s not a head coach any more, he’s an assistant. Doesn’t matter. I also know he basically scorched his eyeball off when he was 17 and that’s why he wears sunglasses. Doesn’t matter either. Get some cooler shades dude. Those fuckers look like the Talbots sunglasses my mom rocks. Maybe pull a Dog the Bounty Hunter? Wouldn’t even need a headset then. Or maybe a Hyde from That 70’s Show? Just wear something that doesn’t make you look like a total chode.

Mike Tice

Mike Tice

 

He’s not a head coach either but at this point I don’t care. Keep in mind I’ve personally met Mike Tice and trust me guy is a massive tool. Sweet hipster shades this season Mike. They look almost as good as your offense’s production. I will say the bears have nobody to blame but themselves for that. Ticey absolutely sucked dong as a head coach in Minnesota, why would he suddenly be a good offensive coordinator in Chicago? Makes absolutely no sense.

Mike Shanahan

Mike-Shanahan

 

Holy moses this guy looks like a bundle of fun huh? I can just see him finding out there’s no Allman Brothers on the iPod at a party and literally murdering the nearest person. Sweet hire of your son too. Guy’s totally qualified.

 

That’s all I’ve got for now. In reality I could probably go on forever if we include former head coaches. Maybe I’ll do a part two one of these days. Also know that there are a number of coaches I actually like. I’m looking at you Romeo Crennel. Guy just seems like he’d chuckle at all my jokes and then bust out the seven layer dip.

 

– JD