Corporate Jargon that makes me want to do a swan dive off the roof of my office building.

9 02 2012

Everyone who knows me or pretends to listen when I speak is rolling their eyes right now because I literally bitch about this on a regular basis. So naturally I figured I’d open it up to an even smaller audience with even less interest in my opinions.

There are so many reasons to hate work. There are stressful assignments, demanding bosses, a culture that frowns upon squeezing out the occasional fart in your cubicle. It’s stifling. And on top of all that, you can’t even count on your coworkers to talk to you like regular human beings. The nonsensical BS that spews out of the mouths of American businessfolk is the salt in my gaping corporate wounds. As they say.

Here’s a quick collection of what I believe to be the most blatant ‘fuck yous’ to the integrity of the English language.

Fire-off an email:

Used in the workplace: “Hey Phil, you mind firing off a couple emails to the sales team so we can get their feedback on the Q3 numbers?”

Used anywhere else: “Seriously you dick, pull over at the next rest stop, I’ve gotta fire-off a mammoth post-Culvers dump.”

This is just your classic case of verb doesn’t match the action. Ever hear anyone say “I’m gonna go fuckin launch off some hymns at choir practice today” or “God I just MERKED that scrapbook page”? Verb just doesn’t match the action. Unless you’re sitting at your desk like some kind of gunslinger all sweaty and amped up blasting Slayer and crafting emails like they’re the last messages you’ll ever send, let’s wrangle it back down to simply ‘sending’ emails.

Go for the low hanging fruit:

Used in the workplace: “Don’t bother trying to land that deal in Dubai, let’s just go for the low hanging fruit for now and lock up the Sheboygan market”

Used anywhere else: “Michael Buble just got to the bottom of the zipline! Go get that low hanging fruit’s digits, Lorenzo!”

This might be applicable if I was working in a tropical island somewhere as some kind of banana gatherer. Even then, just cut the shit and tell me to pick the nanners that are easiest to reach.

Best of Breed:

Used in the workplace: “We don’t want to become just another marketing firm, Keith; we want to be the best of breed in every facet of our operations.”

Used anywhere else: “You going to that kegger tonight?? God it would be the BEST to breed with Stacy.” Bit of a stretch, but point landed.

Every time someone in my office says this I immediately think of Eugene Levy in that movie “Best in Show” (without question, Levy’s greatest cinematic achievement). Try getting angry at work while you think about Eugene Levy scurrying around on two left feet in this movie. It’s impossible.

If that dog’s face isn’t saying “Up yours” to my colleagues then I don’t know what will.

Bandwidth:

Used in the workplace: “I know Todd has some extra bandwidth today so he should be able to alleviate Lisa’s workload while she meets with Corporate.”

Used anywhere else: “Yea sorry pal I don’t have the bandwidth to help you shave your back before church. Plus my razor’s jammed up from the hackjob you did on your balls.”

As much as these get under my skin, the one that bothers me the most is “My God you’re a worthless douche, why did we hire you again?” I mean, what does that even translate to?

Milton Waddams had it right, man. One stapler dispute and he set the mf’er ablaze.

– SR

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27 12 2012
The Mime Year in Review «

[…] 14. Corporate Jargon That Makes Me Want to Swan Dive Off The Roof Of My Office Building […]

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