Attempting to tackle a list this extensive provides a tackling difficulty somewhere between Devin Hester and greased-up deaf guy, but having logged many hours on both sides of the bartop there’s are certain types you see more than others. Feel free to add the many, many douchebreeds I missed down there in the comments, if you wanna do a lil overreactin yourself. But in no particular order, here are the 10 that make it difficult to decide whether to suddenly start chugging a bottle or smash it on my own head:
1) Overly stubborn underage douche
OSUD’s heart is pumping rapidly as he strolls up to the door with bros on bros, trying desperately to play it cool in a tight spot like Mime hero Cowboy Wayne. He’ll hand over the ID and then stand perfectly still, because everyone knows a bouncer’s vision is based on movement. As soon as he sees the bouncer’s head shake and is handed back his paper mache Texas library card dripping in palm sweat, it’s hissy-fit time. Typically he leads off with an “Are you serious?” and the info-gleaning “How is it fake?”, all the while hindering entry and exit for people who may or may not also be pieces of shit. In the interest of fairness an OSUD may also be of the female variety, using either the puppy dog face or mega-bitch negotiating strategy to no avail. In either case, with one last ditch effort, OSUD will either attempt to whip out a cool $7 spot (see #4) or roll with the equally pathetic “But all my friends are in there!” Which brings us to…
2) The “I know THAT Employee” so treat me THAT special douche
I’ll go on the record and say I like a vast majority of the people I work with, and have no problem reciprocating a little favored employee treatment now and again. Furthermore, some of their friends are legit. I will respond to demonstrated legitimacy accordingly. The problem lies with the stumbling, entitled ones who learn a few names and suddenly decide they’re cooler than Morgan Freeman in a dry ice factory- and the only way to get that smoky haze billowing around their freckled ankles comes in the form of doing dumb shit just to see if they can get away with it. You may spot these douches dancing on tables, stealing glassware, or attempting to cut a line.
3) The douche who refuses to leave
We’ve all been here before: The lights come on and you’ve still got half a pitcher to finish. Reasonable people either nut up or shut up, get it down or set it down. Unfortunately, this leaves Sir-sips-a-lot who neither nuts up or shuts up, but pretty much just continues to stand and yell his too far gone nonsense to whoever will listen (see #2). This douche must either be shepherded from the bar manually if not coerced by questioning his pussified drink-slamming abilities or bringing up the idea of food.
4) Money flailing douche
Real blatant douche with flawed internal logic that reads: the more I act like an assclown toward the person who can serve me drinks, the faster I can obtain these drinks to spill all over my Ed Hardy shirt! SEE THIS MOTHAFUGGIN 10 SPOT YO!?!? Nope, don’t think he saw it. Maybe if I wave it around some more, or LIGHT IT ON FIRE!!!…MFD may also be seen attempting to bribe bouncers, taking rail shots, and puking later on the sidewalk.
5) Lil’ Roidrage
Mr. 5’7 Nick Jr.’s idea of a good time is rolling up to the bar with his two biggest bros and proceeding to nip at people’s heels simply daring them to bite. I was unfortunate enough to encounter Lil’ Roidrage on what else but my birthday. All it took was the attempt to get a drink in his vicinity and one smartass remark about not buying a round of shots for his posse because fuck that and BAM! My drunk ass was on its…ass. Avoid LR at all costs, he can be spotted his diminutive stature, constant mean mug, and the absence of females within a 10 foot radius.
6) Ballin on no budget douche
BONBD will roll up to the bar and ask for 14 shots, and typically not just any shots: we’re talking either patron or some randomly procured shot from the depths of a cracked iPhone. Something like a Tanzanian titty-twister or Nicaraguan bloodbath, and wait you’ve never heard of it? What kind of bar is this? He will hand over his Visa aluminum card and probably stare wide-eyed at the reciept when he gets it, like it was supposed to be 19.95 plus shipping and strangling, and then leave a $2.00 tip, if that. Uh yeah, you’re welcome for those Croatian cumstains, you…Croatian cumstain.
7) Clueless douche, Clouche for short
This category is reserved for all those people who suddenly decide to stand right in the one tiny gap for people trying to get through. The clouche typically must receive a number of nudges and spills before realizing the cost, and unlike most other bar douches may potentially reform their ways if only for a few minutes. Better yet, they often congregate in the one opening between the back of the bar and the warzone. Clouches may also be groups of drunk girls insistent on taking 5 different pictures at the same bar just like they did last week. Hold up, Cindi where’s the flash button on your Blackberry again? Fack, my eyes were closed in that one. Take 18 more.
8) Anyone who pumps the jukebox with hours of country music
9) “Flip cup in a booth” douches
Ah, to be just barely 21 again. If you must, please refrain from acting like you just won the state lacrosse title after your cup successfully lands upside down, and have fun spilling beer directly on your crotch!
10) Bartenders who make weak-ass drinks
This overreaction just wouldn’t be fair without a little bit of the flipside. Rum and coke does not mean coke with a splash of rum. I know time is of the essence, but if not 50-50 at least make 1/3 of it that tasty bottom shelf mouth orgasm. I mean come on, how the hell else do you expect me to deal with all these other douchebags?
Stay classy bargoers. Or don’t. Just don’t be one of these guys.