Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.

marc-ouellet

Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.

odilo

YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.

pope

Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent
-GBz





Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

5 03 2013

home
Yea I’m gona throw a little Mother Goose ass nursery rhyme at ya in my, I’m sure long-awaited by now, first post to the mime; but it is not without context. Recently I swallowed what was left of my pride (which was barely more than what was left in my bank account) and moved back in with my parents. Now, you over achievers out there who snatched up that college diploma, tossed that cap in the air and fell right into that financially supportive dream job, might not be familiar with what I’m talking about here, but feel free to take notes; you know, just in case that cubicle wall view starts to get a little stale after a while.

For those who [over] enjoyed the freedoms that come with the seemingly nation wide social acceptance of college age kids being complete messes day in and day out, there are a few things that change once put back under parental lock and key. A semi-intelligent person may try to argue the fact that college grads are now grown ass adults and can make their own choices, but Bubba, any parent worth their salt never gets sick of the age-old saying “my house, my rules.” So, for anyone in a similar sitch, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Even if she’s not a screamer, your rickety ass bed frame makes more noise then you think.

2. Regardless of the garnishes, Bloody Mary’s aren’t actually a breakfast food.

3. You are no longer a pre-pubescent teenager, so creamin in a sock and stuffing it into a hamper will lead to a conversation you don’t want to have with mom come laundry day.

3B. Mysterious bottles of yellow liquid tend to have a similar effect; there is no longer an acceptable explanation for the toilet being “too far away.”

4. Having a few while tweeting does not make you just a “social drinker.”

5. Spitters are no longer recyclable.

6. Thirsty Thursday is not an officially recognized holiday.

6B. Neither is Sunday Funday for that matter, sorry.

7. The walk of shame takes on a whole new feel when your mother offers her coffee on the way out.

8. Vomit must ALWAYS be cleaned up that night, not the morning after.

9. Sun rise is not a reasonable bed time.

10. And finally, you know that bong you haven’t boiled in two years? Well in a house not excessively frequented by pot heads that shit is going to stink worse than a hookers ass at Sunday morning mass, no matter where you hide it.

That’s all for now

-GBz





We Miss Hilary Duff

10 01 2013

Hilary-Duff

Real bad, guys. Real bad.

Here’s why. Hilary Duff was like my teen idol. Now days kids have Bieber and Selena and all those flamers in One Direction. That’s about it as far as I can tell. Well let’s rewind to the early 2000s. Teen idols were everywhere. You couldn’t turn around without being introduced to a new 16-24 year old singing or acting sensation that you also probably wanted to bang. Britney. Christina. Mandy Moore. Jessica Simpson. Frankie Muniz. Wait, what? The point is teen idols were easy to come by. Especially for a 14 year old kid who’s permanently semi-chubbed and frequently subjected to watching the Disney channel with his younger sister. And like most young lads, I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out in the crowd. So first I went to Abercromie & Fitch because they help you express yourself and your individuality, guys. Then I latched on to a hot teen sensation. That teen sensation was none other than Hilary Duff. While my friends were jerkin it to Mandy Moore posters, tuggin one out to a google image search of ‘boobs’, all I needed was a VHS copy of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

And make no mistake, I’m not writing this post to rehash my obsessive-compulsive relationship with a Hilary Duff poster I bought at Walgreens. Although incredibly interesting, I’ll leave that out of it. I’m simply taking a trip down memory lane to give you a glimpse of how important Hilary was to my adolescence, and also to remember some sweet shit she did. Then, ultimately, to make the point that she needs to hop back on the scene pronto. Chicks like 25 AND she’s not cruising around smoking crack with Amanda Bynes. Sounds like a recipe for getting back in the spotlight to me.

First of all, she killed it as Lizzie McGuire. I’ll admit I watched a few episodes. C’mon. For a lame disney show it was dy-no-mite. In between SI Swimsuit editions and Friends re-runs where Jennifer Aniston was nipping out (which was like every single episode) I didn’t have many other options.

hilary-duff-as-lizzie-mcguire

When I say babe I mean babe in the eyes of a 12 year old. C’mon, easy fellas.

Following the Lizzie Mac show, she began dominating the big screen in such classics as Agent Cody Banks, Cheaper By The Dozen and A Cinderella Story. I don’t want to sound cocky, but I knew she was going to be a big movie star. Knew it. When people talk about that “it” factor, they think Hilary D.

Soon, however, she grew tired of acting. I mean, who can blame her? It’s like once you climb mount everest you’re pretty much done-zo with the mountain climbing. Same can be said after a three year span during which she was nominated for like 17 Teen Choice Awards. Been there done that. So she decided to flex her golden pipes. And flex, she did.

Remember any of these classics?

Yeah, me too. BANGERS.

Well this takes us up to 2006-2007. After years of being Disney’s sweetheart and a few lame relationships with Aaron Carter and that douche from Good Charlotte, I’d assume Hil needed a break from the spotlight. So she kind of faded from our minds. But certainly NOT from our hearts. Then in 2007, she started dating an NHL player named Mike Comrie. Eventually they tied the knot and last year they had their first child. Let me take a break from describing Hilary Duff’s personal life to you to ask what’s with all these NHL dudes snagging up all the hotties? First that NHL dude married Candice Cameron from Full House, who by the way is a total babe these days. Then Hilary Duff got snagged up by Mike Comrie. Who, let’s be honest, looks like a young-douchey version of Dan Aykroyd. And just recently I saw that LA Kings star Jarret Stoll is currently running through some of the hottest chicks of our day. Even though very few people care about the sport, it’s clearly good to be a hockey player. Damn.

Anyways, just the other day Hil Duff instagrammed some super sexy photos of her new crazy workouts to shed the baby weight, since she popped out her Duff jr. just last year. Check em out here. I’ll be honest it looks like she’s exercising in some painting scaffolds but whatever. She’s clearly still as flexible as I imagined she’d be all those years ago. This is good news because as I mentioned earlier, most of the early 2000s teen sensations aaaaren’t doing so hot these days. Jessica Simpson is a blimp, Christina Aguilera is nasty as hell, Lindsay Lohan should be in everyone’s death pool and Britney went off the deep end years ago. Honestly, I kind of expected it. Especially the part where Hilary Duff emerged relatively unscathed. I mean, duh-ff, right? She was clearly the best one of them all.

Well in hopes that Hil dog is reading this very post, from everyone here at the Mime, please come back in the spotlight, Ms. Duff. Please. We miss you, girl. Like an AIDS patient misses their white blood cell count. So, yeah. A LOT. Maybe kick things off with Lizzie McGuire 2: Back In Tha Game? We’ll write the script!

 

– JD





OW: Ray Lewis Retirement

2 01 2013

Ray-Lewis

Earlier today Ray Lewis aka Ray muder aka Ray Ray McTacklinbitches announced he’s going to retire after this season’s playoffs. Like most people, I’m terrified of Ray and automatically respect his decision. I haven’t crunched the numbers, but from what I remember he’s been in the league since 1972 so it seems like his retirement is well overdue. Now easy, Ray, not in the sense that you can’t compete any more, instead in the sense that I think you’ve pretty much dished out enough brain damage by now. As a big NFL fan, it’s kind of sad news. I mean, he’s pretty much the last of the mohicans in terms of old school linebackers still in the league. Gone are the days of Bill Romanowski literally ripping dudes heads off, and Ray was the king of that. Sure we’ve got beasts like Clay Matthews and Patrick Willis crushing skulls, but the NFL is amidst a new era where everybody is more concerned with concussion syndromes and less concerned with watching dudes get lit the fuck up on crossing routes.

Personally, I understand that things are the way they are in the NFL now. Can’t have a generation of brain dead NFL legends suing the shit out of the league in 20 years. But a little bit of me misses the days of “He got JACK’D UP!” and watching Ed McCaffrey unconscious on the 25 yard line for the sixth time in the same season. Ray Lewis was a nice weekly reminder of that era. And soon, he’ll be gone. Left to live only in our hearts…and the archive reels of NFL Films.

So the question becomes, what does a man beast like Ray Lewis do once his football playing days are over? Dudes 37 years old. And since he’s been feasting on the souls of countless NFL scrubs since the 90s, he’s still got a lot left in the tank I guarantee you that. The standard response would be, JD, he’ll probably be an analyst or announcer for ESPN or CBS. Every big name sports personality does it. He’s also a boss at giving pump up speeches so maybe he’ll be a motivational speaker? Could be, but if I know Ray like I think I do he won’t do either of those things. Motivational speeches only work if everyone doesn’t die of fear after the speech is over and pretty sure if Ray spoke to the annual Des Moines Insurance conference he’d cause the deaths at least four fat insurance agents mid-speech.

So in usual mime fashion, we’re going to suggest a few post-NFL career paths for our pal Ray. Feel free to thumb through these, Ray, and maybe even chose two! The world is your oyster homes.

 

1. Street Justice Coordinator

Street_Justice_S1

Simple idea here. Someone robs you? Maybe your boss is a total dick? Maybe a couple dudes stole your car? Don’t bother calling 911, cops are a bunch of pussies. Instead, call up the street justice coordinator. He’ll make things right.

2. Office Linebacker

office linebacker

Terry Tate’s been out of the game for too long. Offices all across the country are in disarray. Bitches stealing food from the fridge that’s not theirs, dudes jamming the copy machine and sleeking back to their desk without fixing it. Get Ray on an office linebacker tour and he’ll straighten out America’s workplaces in no time. Fiscal cliff my ass.

3. Hippo Wrangler

Hippo

All I hear about is how Hippos are the most dangerous animal in Africa. Everyone thinks they’re all hungry hungry and cute but in reality they’re chomping up little African kids left and right. Admittedly I don’t know the official statistics but from what I gather millions of African children go to fill their water jugs at the local pond and turn into hippo lunch. Forget AIDS, we’ve got a global Hippo crisis. Well not if Ray is the resident Hippo wrangler. Hippo gonna to think twice about eating villagers if Ray Lewis is lake-side ready to beat some ass.

4. Broadway Actor

on-broadway

I’ve never been to a musical but you can bet your white ass I’d be there in a New York minute if Ray was the lead in West Side Story.

5. Bar Douche Puncher

Bar douche

5Piece touched on it last summer, but I think it’s common knowledge that Americas bars are filled with douches. A lot of these douches are actually pretty cut up dudes. Sure, they’re basically all glory muscles and they couldn’t do anything in an actual fight, but for regular dudes like myself punching them is a risky option. And make no mistake, they all deserve a swift upper cut to the meat hole. Picture Ray on a bar tour, have him shake a few hands, sign a few autographs, punch a few douches, make $4,000 an appearance. Not too shabby an option.

6. Nickleback’s personal bodyguard

Nickelback-nickelback-642024_1024_768

Everyone loves to hate Nickleback. We’ve been over it a million times. I bet half the population wants to murder them too. That means Chad n co. are basically walking into threat level orange scenarios everywhere they go. So far, we’ve been lucky and they haven’t been shanked. But it’s only a matter of time folks. At some point Nickle-B’s current bodyguards aren’t going to make the cut. That’s where Ray comes in.

7. Dudes Break-Up Therapist

Break_up

Guys have been taking break ups real hard since the time of the Dinosaurs. That’s just a scientific fact. I blame a serious lack of effective break up therapists in our society. Nobody there to growl in your face and get you amped to bang some randos. Who better to fill that void? Get Ray in there, ditch the fish in the sea talk and go straight to the unadulterated rage in your face and you’ll forget all about Susie in no time.

8. Florida Cop

cop

I was hesitant to suggest this one given Shaq Diesel tried it and from what I know, hasn’t had much success. But then I remembered that’s Shaq and this is Ray. Both giant black men, but Shaq is a gentle giant. Ray doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. Plus, Florida is in fucking ruins these days. Every second I turn around I hear about how shitty that state is. They need proper law enforcement from the enforcer of all enforcers.

 

That ought to get you started on your job search, Mr. Lewis. Don’t forget to fine tune the shit out of your resume. Employers really look at those things closely these days. It’s a cutthroat world we live in, but I’ve got faith you’ll make it in post-NFL life juuuust fine.

– JD





Royal Baby Name Suggestions

14 12 2012

royal baby

So the whole world has been freaking out over last week’s news that Kate Middleton is pregnant. I know I can hardly control my excitement. I’ve basically been running around blasting people in line at CVS with confetti, chewin on bubblegum cigars all day. Name a celebration, I’m probably doing it. Because when you think about it, it’s some of the best news the world has heard in a long time. And not only is it great news, it’s also news of the utmost importance. I mean the Duchess of Cambridge is preggo! I’m no British royalty expert but last I checked she’s like first in line to be the queen of middle earth once that old bag Queen Elizabeth II finally kicks the bucket. That means she can make all kinds of important worldly decisions like uniting the globe and solving world hunger and leading the Cleveland Browns back to the top of the NFL.

But why is Kate being pregnant such big news, JD? First of all, don’t question my tactics cuz. I won’t hesistate to neutralize your groin, and you can bet your bottom dollar on that. Second, it’s big news for like 20 reasons. Since she’s next in line to be the reigning queen of the universe, once the baby comes, she’ll have a miniature royal minion to do all her bitch work. Also, she’s obviously hot as hell, and Prince William ain’t no scrub either, no homo, so expect this baby to be straight up beautiful. I’m talking sex appeal to the moon. So once the kid is like 10, and all disciplined from doing mommy’s busy work, he/she will be ready to take on the world, one fashion runway at a time.

It’s also big news because it drops Prince Harry further down the line of inheriting the throne. Prince Harry, or H-bone as I call him, is the only one left keeping it real in the royal castle or whatever that giant house they live in is called. The whole family is all proper and polite. All dressed up nice and what not. Price William is wifed up, Prince Charles has been a boner since day one, and I’ve already called the queen an old bag so no change there. P-rince Harrison is the royal family’s only source of comedic relief and much needed drama. We’ve all heard what he’s been up to lately, playing nude pool in Vegas, dressing up like a Nazi, the kid is a wild card. Without him rolling around,  plowing babes and getting into shenanigans young people would lose interest in the royal family and eventually they’d fade into irrelevance. So once this baby is born, he’ll drop to like 49th on the list, and should be free to continue tarnishing the royal image night in and night out.

Lastly, it’s important because it turns Kate Middleton into the ultimate MILF. Right now she’s just a hot British babe who happens to be married to Prince William. Big whoop. Boooooring. Sure, she’s hot but so are like a billion other chicks. Fast forward to her having this kid, and some of you might be thinking dude, when chicks have kids their body goes to shit. Yeah true, for normal people. Keep in mind she’s the Duchess of Cambridge, fellas. She has like 97 personal trainers ready to get that bod tight as ever the minute she pops er out. She’ll be MILF’in it up around the globe and I think that’s something we all can appreciate.

While all of that I just wrote is important, it’s not nearly as important as the name of this baby. This baby’s name should be on the top of everybody in the world’s concern list up until the day it’s born. Of course, in standard royal British bullshit tradition everyone is thinking they’ll go with something standard like Philip or John or Charles or Edward. But guess what? I think they won’t. This is 2012. Baby names are crazy these days. Everyone’s naming their kids Jaquizz and Splenda and Horton. You can’t flip open an Entertainment Weekly without reading about some new wild baby name. So, if I know Kate and Willy like I think I do, they’re going to break the mold with this one. But. As is the case with any big decision, they probably need a little help. So the mime is here to toss out a few suggestions. Take em or leave em, Kate. Just throwing them out there.

 

Boy Names

Randy – Good, strong, powerful name.

Nickleback – Honor the band AND shorten it up, boom it’s Prince Nick.

Cap’n Uppercut – Says I’m royal but I’ll also kick your ass.

Blue – When he’s 80 this one will be totally worth it.

Green – Seems like throwing another color in there was a decent idea.

Carl Fist-A-Cuffs – Scary name. Real scary. People would be scared by how much they’re scared by Prince Carl

Toddington – Figured I’d throw a proper name in there.

Brody – This name is so hot right now. Plus, then him and Brody Jenner can be BFFs.

Chester – Guaranteed to be a boss.

 

Girl Names

Baby Spice – What better way to honor what I imagine was Kate’s favorite Spice girl?

Lysol – Very versatile name, works well if she winds up being a lesbo.

Mary Lou Ann Lynn – Nice ring to it.

Fern – Says I’m royal but I’m also concerned with global warming.

Madison – I just feel like everyone loves this name these days.

Grapefruit – Read an article a while back that naming your daughter after fruit is all the rage.

Lillian – I just flat out like that name. Rugrats yo.

Brynmawr – Make people struggle to pronounce it. Make them struggle.

Beauty- Might fall in love with a beast, but that’s a risk you should be willing to take.

 

Happy name hunting to the both of you! Don’t forget to tell your old pal JD ahead of time what you pick. And hey, keep me in mind for that godfather nod.

 

– JD





Some Advice for Kevin “Why Aren’t We NBA Champions Yet?” Love

13 12 2012

Kevin Love

Since we’re a blog chock full o Timberwolves fans it feels necessary to toss some brotherly advice to the Wolves’ messiah/biggest critic, Kevin Love. Since coming to Minnesota in 2008, following a draft day trade that sent OJ Mayo to Memphis, K Love has cemented his status as the Wolves best player. Despite the Wolves largely sucking wang and missing the playoffs in all four seasons Kevin has been around, dudes been a statistical beast. He’s averaged a double-double in three of the four seasons, led the NBA in rebounding the last two seasons, set numerous T Wolves team scoring records, he even had a goddamn 31 and 31 game. It’s safe to say, had the Wolves not been consistent under-performers in the last two seasons, he’d certainly have had more legitimacy in the NBA MVP conversation.

Enough about K Love’s in-game domination. Everyone knows he’s a beast child by now. Also dudes about the most un-toned dude on the court too, yet he pushes people around like rag dolls in the paint. Just hitting the glass like a gorilla on bath salts. I don’t get it, I guess he’s just got that man strength. As we know, the issues with Kevin Love have pretty much been entirely off court. Aside from a few suspensions for unsportsmanlike conduct such as the time he curb stomped Luis Scola’s face, he’s always been a fair and respectable competitor.

And I’m not talking about off court problems like disappearing to a trap house in East St. Paul mainlining ketamine for weeks or screaming anti-semetic remarks at a temple in St. Louis Park. I’m talking about Kevin Love always having a hard time not running his mouth about stuff he shouldn’t be talking about. More times than not, the central point of his remarks revolve around his displeasure with the front office and the Wolves lack of success. In fact, just yesterday Kevo was at it again, wondering out-loud if David Kahn actually has a “plan”, among other things. Before we dive into that, I’d like to remind you of his past media slip ups – 2009’s “accidental” tweet that McHale was fired, 2012’s displeasure with the Timberwolves’ failure to make the playoffs and let’s not forget this past summer’s impatient rant.

Now most NBA fans would say, jeez JD relax, Kevin Love is a media cherub angel compared to just about every other egomaniacal pro athlete who can’t shut his yapper. That may be true, but the point I’m trying to make here isn’t that Kevin Love is a crazy attention hungry Terrell Owens Jr. The point I’m trying to make is the guy has made it very clear that he’s unhappy with his situation in Minnesota, and to most outsiders looking in, that discontent is totally unwarranted.

Let’s review Kevin’s last four years. He was drafted by Memphis in 2008 and traded to the Timberwolves within hours. He signed a phat rookie contract and spent his rookie season building his skills, eventually developing into one of the top rookies in the league. Following the 2009-2010 season the Wolves got rid of Al Jefferson, making it clear K Love was their franchise big man. The 2010-2011 season was Kevo’s breakout season where he established himself as one of the elite players in the league, even winning the leagues Most Improved Player. In January of 2012, he signed a big ol $65 million, four year contract extension, the Wolves were in the playoff hunt until Ricky Rubio blew out his knee in early March. The T-Wolves still finished 26-40, their best record since 07. As of December 13, 2012, the Wolves are 10-9, have won two in a row, and Ricky is slated to be back on the hardwood within a week.

Call me crazy but it looks to me as though during Kevin Love’s first four seasons, there has been steady improvement year by year. Not only is his individual game improving, but the Timberwolves are also getting more and more competitive as a team. For all the nerds out there, what I mean is if I had a flow chart or some excel spreadsheet you’d see a line going up and to the right. Yet for some reason, Kevin can’t keep from bitching about a lack of long-term “plan” and reminding everyone how impatient he is.

Here’s the deal. Kev-bone, first and foremost you need to keep in mind that you play for the Minnesota Timberwolves. I’ll say that again, the Minnesota fucking Timberwolves. Not the Lakers, not the Spurs, not the Celtics. Don’t need to be an NBA history buff to know that in the 23 glorious years of existence, the Wolves have essentially achieved jack squat. You also should understand that since 2004, and KG’s departure in 07, the Wolves have been bottom feeders of the league. That’s why they were able to get you…and Ricky. Because they suck. However, since you showed up, things have actually been getting better. Records have improved, more pieces to the puzzle have shown up and most Minnesotans feel that this season is the season for the Wolves to finally make it back to the playoffs. Christ, you guys are 10-9 with JJ Barrea and Luke Ridnour splitting time at point guard! That’s currently 7th in the Western Conference! Davey Kahn spent all off season assembling a team that can actually compete for once. Sure, the roster’s a little thin on black guys, but who gives a shit? We’ve finally got some talent!

The bottom line is Kevin, buddy, you’re 24. That’s young as shit. Look at how many years of his career KG spent in mediocrity with the Wolves. Did he complain once? Not that I remember. You’ve been in Minnesota four years and you’ve been bitching since you got here. I’d understand the impatience if you were a member of a perennial contender. But you’re fucking not! A wise man once said patience is divine, so sack up and be patient. That wise man was pretty damn wise. So heed his advice and chill the fuck out. Clearly there’s a master plan. Why the fuck do you think a few years back the entire front office was gutted and replaced? Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale are gone. You should be sprinting naked through the streets screaming for joy because of that. With Ricky back, Shved getting better, Pek staying healthy, Andrei doing his dragon tatted thing and you down low, we can contend with anybody, bro!

So, please, pull an Aaron Rodgers and stay off Twitter during the season, quit bitching about not being in the NBA Finals this very second and continue improving your game. You’ll get there brah. Also promise me you’ll cool it on the knuckle pushups. Not trying to see you shatter your wrist doing downward facing dog in a Bikram Yoga session.

 

– JD

PS – If in like three years the Wolves still haven’t done shit, then I don’t blame you one bit for being pissed. Run for the hills and by hills I mean a big market team.