WTF Red Tide? Leave Dem Manatees Alone.

12 03 2013

manateeb

First of all, not sure if you cats know this or not but manatees are the best. Straight up, they’re the coolest creatures on earf. Pretty sure god was all, “damn, I almost forgot to make the coolest animal, that was silly of me! Boom, here ya go world, I give you the manatee” right before he rested on the seventh day. They’re gentle giants, they munch on lettuce all day and kick it in the warm tropical waters AND they’re fuzzy as hell. I’d pay at least 1 trillion yen to be BFFs with a manatee.

So when I heard the news that some crazy algae bloom of the coast of florida is killing my favorite water dwelling mammal by the truckloads, I was pretty pissed. If you don’t follow the latest marine biology news, check out the story here and get a clue, dude. Marine bio is where all the action is at.

Back to the matter at hand. What gives, algae? What’d the manatees ever do to you besides slowly float alongside you in HARMONY? Maybe refrain from eating you because they’re into other foods? Maybe invite you to their sea party on occasion because they felt bad nobody likes you? Nothing, that’s what.  Sounds like a pretty selfish move, dog.

If you want to get all scientific, here’s what’s actually happening. Apparently, these algae blooms, which are NOT caused by pollution, happen every year and usually only last a week. This year, they’re lingering around like my sorta-buddy ralph on Sunday morning when he should probably just get the eff out and let me masturbate, but he doesn’t. They live in the sea grass and turn the water a brownish red, hence the name red tide. The manatees eat this sea grass, filled with toxins, and then they die.

Tough story to read, I know. Take a couple minutes to grab a kleenex or two, I’ll wait to finish. There ya go…cry it out. Alright. We good?

Now, my sources are telling me 174 manatees have died so far. Sounds to me like a full out epidemic yo. Plus last time I checked, manatees are on the endangered species list. I don’t know the official numbers, since I lost my copy of the 2010 manatee census last week, but I’d guess there are about 300 manatees in the world. Carry the four…That means we have like 176 manatees left, people! Shit. Not good.

I’m not sure how to combat this red tide, but here’s what I’m thinking. Let’s get a boat and sail down to Florida and start saving manatees. If they all die off, who’s gonna chill in the water anymore? Sharks? Fish? They both suck. Stay tuned for the official mime save the manatees donation drop box. Don’t worry, it’s legit. We’re totally not gonna use your donations to buy Skittles mega packs at Sam’s Club.

– JD

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