Hair Style Conundrum: The Flat Top

24 01 2013

Green Eggs n Pink Ham is back! Kinda. I am gracing the Mime with my blogging finesse for my quarterly blog on nonsense. This latest installment is based around what I believe to be a totally mockery of the haircut game: the flat top. Now before you come at me and say the flat top is a classic and should not be spoken of in such poor terms – pump your brakes. The flat top is an absolute classic, one the HAMs favorite do’s of all time. But from what I have seen, it is being taken advantage of.

In my humble – yet expert – opinion, the flat top is a haircut reserved the coolest dudes of all time. You need to earn the flat top status. Kids these days are busting out the flat top while having accomplished not a thing. No credibility! Sanford S. FlatTop is turning in his grave as well speak. The following is a list of some OG’s who have clearly earned this status, and some young bucks who need to hit the barbershop. By the end you should have a good sense of the same mockery that I have been seeing.

Fresh Prince

So fresh. Big Willie Style has not only earned the right to wear a flat top, but also the right to pretty much do whatever he wants. If he wore a pastel yellow T, zubaz, shades and a lime green hat, that would totally acceptable.

Nerlens Noel

Bro, shave your head. Being really good at basketball in the state of New Hampshire does not grant you access to rock a flat top. Nor does growing up in Everett, Mass. Plus your team kinda sucks this year so do us all a favor and bust out the clippers.

Become acceptable: 720 Windmill dunk.

Kid Reid

Did this kid invent the flat top? No idea. Didn’t do any research on the matter. Alas, this guy definitely earned flat top status. Did anyone else watch the House Party movies? So OG. Those parties are what I strive for every time I go out at night. Sadly I am not black, or a rapper, or able to throw parties in the 90s.

Norris Cole World

Nope. I don’t like it one bit. I will not have this no named Cleveland State joker rocking the sacred flat top. It’s not fair to all the other cool dudes who have earned the crown. What a disgrace, basically spitting in the face of flat top nation.

Become acceptable: Invent a successful computer security software company, retire, move to Beliz, murder people and begin a quest for the super drug.

Mully Mull

If Wale calls you the N word and you are extremely white, then I would say that gives you a right of passage to rock the flat top. Also being part of something called Run TMC gives you the right to flatten the top of your hair. Keep doing you Mully Mull.

Tiquan Underwood

You probably don’t know this A-hole. Well, he was a no name Pats wide receiver who got cut a day before the Super Bowl and made a fuss. Either way, that’s not the point. Dude, you play football. Why would you have a flat top when you are just going to squish it every time you go to work? That would be like me wearing my shooting sleeve to work every day, only to have it covered up by my dress shirt. Preposterous.

Become acceptable: Lead the league in something besides most times cut one day before the Super Bowl.

Dolph Lundgren

Who is the most underrated actor of all time? Well its Dolph Lundgren. Why? Because of his spiky hair and ice cold demeanor and his big muscles. Randomly getting quoted in Always Sunny gives you a flat top free pass every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Badger Bitch

I don’t know who this person is. Quite frankly, I don’t care either. Saw him on TV once and I spit out my coffee. I don’t drink coffee, only tea. That’s how outrageous this hair cut is. If you literally do not have a name how can you be cool enough to have a flat top? Insanity.

Become acceptable: I don’t think this nameless reject can do anything. Shave it. Dude stinks.

– Green Eggs and Pink Ham

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G.O.O.D. Music = Miami Heat

21 09 2012

What up yall? I recently returned from my sabbatical and am back to deliver the goods. For my first run, I’m going with a concept I thought of this morning on the bus. G.O.O.D. Music is a crew that I’ve recently started to dig, mostly that new jam Clique. Such a fire song, first one in a while that I loved instantly. So they’re warming on me.

I got to thinking, their are so many similarities between them and those bastards down in Miami. Both are great teams, but I’m just not ready to declare them the best of all time. Let me explain:

Kanye West is Dwyane Wade

Yeezing is just like Dwyane Wade. Ye started up G.O.O.D. Music and basically convinced the top dogs to come on over and join his revolution. Sound familiar? Plus both Cheddar and Wade were once so cool back in the day. When D Wade was dropping triple doubles over at Swag U, he was the coolest dude ever. When Kanye dropped Through The Wire, a star was born. Now they are both fairly douchey and care about fashion and complaining.

Jay-Z is LeBron James

I know technically Jigga isn’t in G.O.O.D. Music, but whatever. Both are absolute mega stars with huge brands, jams and personalities. Jigga is by far a trillion times cooler than James will ever be, but oh well. Both came out the gate on fire, with Jay dropping tracks with Biggie and James rocking the 25,5,5 line his rookie season. Both are monsters, and arguably the best at their professions right now.

Big Sean is Chris Bosh

Pussies. Chris Bosh has been described as LeBron’s lap dog, following him around and would pretty much give him head if LBJ asked him to. Medium Sean is the same way, just not really a great rapper on his own but can blend in when he follows JiggaMan around. Both can have their moments, like Bosh changing the series against the Celts last year and Medium Sean delivering a solid Dance (Ass) jam. I don’t like either of them, don’t think their talented, but good for both of them to latch on and ride some coattails.

2 Chainz is Ronny Turiaf

Loud, obnoxious and don’t do much. I’ve never liked Ronny Turiaf, I just feel like he’s never done anything. For some reason he yells a lot and gives out a lot of high fives. I guess that makes him cool? Whatever. In no way did he contribute to the Heats championship, much like dickhead of the year 2 Chainz has never contributed to the success of G.O.O.D. music. 2 Chainz dresses like an ass hole and raps like one too. Both are just plain awful.

Pusha T is Juwan Howard

Just a couple of OG’s in the building right here. Juwan was doing large before our readers got cootie shots (circle circle dot dot muthafucka) and banged hard with the Fab 5. Pusha T also banged hard back in the day with Clipse, a pretty ghetto crew as well. These two don’t do much for their respective clans, but both have seen it all and every team needs an OG to guide them in tough times.

Kid Cudi is  Eddy Curry

This is gonna be biased, so strap in. I don’t know about our readers, but I personally feel like Kid Cudi is not even a rapper. He just whines and talks about weed 24/7. So does Wiz but at least Wiz puts out radio jams. A Kid named Cudi just doesn’t do anything. I hate him! He stinks! Eddy Curry, in my humble opinion, is not even a basketball player. He got rated the worst in the league this year, is fat, and sucks. Interesting that both somehow had mad potential early on, Eddy Curry going number 4 overall and Kid Cudi making that jam “Memories.” Then they started playing/rapping more, and it was just awful.





The All Nickname Lineup

19 06 2012

What up what up? Its been a quick minute since I’ve laid a track on the mime. To be honest, I got a new job so I’ve been busy. To be even more honest, I just got lazy. But I’m back and ready to get my blogging swag back.

Today’s nicknames are pretty lame. You didn’t need me to tell you that, but I did, so there. There are still a few good ones left, like The Big Ticket or The Big AARP. But overall, nicknames like T-Mac or D-Rose just don’t cut it. Its straight boring, like lets get a little more creative guys. Not saying I could do better, but I totally could. I mean, Green Eggs n Pink Ham speaks for itself. But the larger point is that I’m going to make a starting 5 of baller nicknames of dudes who are not only the coolest ballers but could also school everyone. Leggo!

Point Guard – Jerry West aka “The Logo” 

There were a lot of good choices here. The Answer, White Chocolate or Mugsy would have done just fine here. But The Logo is such a sick nickname, and he is one of the better point guards of all time. I mean, The Logo? Just the (blank) face of the league. Now that is serious swag.

Shooting Guard – George Gervin aka “Ice Man”

This one is just a no brainer. Don’t really need to explain the nickname or even his game. Just click this link. Anyways, this space gives me time to brag about the Gervin Spurs jersey that I own. So fresh.

Small Forward – Anfernee Hardaway aka “Penny”

Another tough call. Penny Hardaway might not have lived up to his great expectation, but goddamn is Penny a cool nickname or what? Plus I feel like I can count on my boy Penny to show up with so much talent around him. Sidebar: I also have a Penny jersey.

Power Forward – Dennis Rodman aka “The Worm”

I honestly don’t even know what this nickname means. It’s weird and this dude is the weirdest of all time. Kids think Metta World Douchebag is weird? Think Mike Tyson is weird? No way, not when you bring The Worm into the mix. Plus, rebounding is just not an issue for this team. The Worm will rebound your dick off.

Center – Darryl Dawkins aka Chocolate Thunder 

Another no brainer. I mean, Chocolate Thunder named his dunks. Just a bad ass mofucker with a sick nickname. Oh, and dude could jam. Breaking backboards like its his job. Which it kind of is.

This team is sick. Can’t beat us, can’t even out cool us. Just gonna all around destroy everyone in our paths.

Honorable mentions: The Truth, Downtown Freddie Brown, The White Mamba, The Round Mound of Rebound

– Green Eggs and Pink Ham





East Coast Perspective: Brooklyn Nets

2 05 2012

So obviously, the Brooklyn Nets unveiled their new look this week. Everyone and their mother is talking about it, and since The Mime is the mother of all blogs, I’m going to rant and rave about this. First things first, lets get the easy joke out of the way: The B in the logo stands for boring. Got it? Ok moving on.

At first glance, this new logo seems like an awful waste of an awesome opportunity. Changing cities and teams is always really exciting, a great chance to make a new splash in the L. However, a lot of teams have failed at this in the past. The Thunder most recently blew it. I never really understood the name, I thought they could have done a lot better. However, luckily for them they drafted the coolest dudes ever so now that team is sick. Fair enough. When Charlotte got a new team, they picked the name ‘Bobcats’ because their owners first name at the time was Bob. That was stupid, and they are historically the worst team ever now. Change it up to the Charlotte Air Jordans and lets move on.

Back to the Nets. First, I like keeping the name the same here. But why is there not a basketball net anywhere in the logo? Is this real life? Are they the only pro team without their name in the logo? Since I refuse to look that up I assume its true. My guess here is that Jigga Man really just wants the Brooklyn part to stand out. If this is the case, I motion for them to be called the Brooklyn Marcy Projects or the Brooklyn Hovitos. Come on Jay! That shit, for lack of a better word, is cray. Even the Brooklyn Throne would have better better/amazing. When they went on a winning streak, Sportscenter could just say “Watch the Throne on their win streak…” and then drop the N-word in Paris beat. Endless opportunities are here. Get me a Front Office job ASAP!

Ashy Larry: #1 fan of the Brooklyn Marcy Projects

So the logo is obviously going for an old school feel. I get it, I see it, and if thats the goal then well done. At first I thought it was dumb, but now that I’ve seen some of the swag that goes a long with it, I kinda like it. The shirts and the hats are pretty awesome, and hopefully the unis are cool too. Black and white always works for a basketball jersey, just ask 16 year old Green Eggs AAU squad. Black and white is very baller, so this has good potential.

Green Eggs doin the damn thang

Maybe they are trying to get away from their losing ways. Nets are historically a bad team, except when they made back to back finals appearances in 2002 and 2003 (for the record that was when the East was miserable, the Celts lost to them both years, and the Celts were awful). So maybe this new look with old school flair and baller color scheme will ignite some wins under their bums. But will they be any better next year? Minus the star power up front (Mikhail the Rich, S Dot Carter and Avery Johnson) who do they have? Deron Williams might skip town next year. That means they have Kris Kardashian and Gerald Green Windmill Dunk left to play basketball. Can’t win games with only 2 dudes. I don’t know who else is on that team and quite frankly I don’t care. They need to draft the Kentucky Wildcats straight up. The UniBrow and Kidd-Gilchrist (from NJ) would look fresh in some Sean Carter unis. This is the only way.

In summary, if the unis are cool, I’m all in. I have a feeling Brooklyn Nets hats are going to be the new Yankees/White Sox hats among the rap community. If so, I deserve all the credit and probably some cash considerations, because as we all know Young Jeezy and Gucci Mayne read our blog daily. That’s just a straight up fact.

– Green Eggs Over Easy and Pink Ham





Why Do We Hate LeBron?

16 04 2012

First off, I haven’t hit up the blog-machine in a quick minute, and for that, I apologize. But we all hate LeBron, but why? He’s obviously pretty douchey, but I mean he is very ill at ball. Like, unreal. This is the first point I want to make, is that we hate him because he is really really good. If he sucked, no one would care. We would forget about him, much like we all forgot about the immortal Ndubi Ebi. But since he puts up killer stats, we pay attention, and because he is kind of a large d-bag, we hate him.

Moving on. Another huge reason we hate LeBron is because we have been told he is the next Magic Johnson or MJ since he was in 8th grade. We’ve had over a decade of LeBron talk, and what is there really to show for it? He has put up monster stats since getting to the L, but no championships. It took Magic 1 season to win it all and MJ 6. LeBron is cruising in on his 9th season with no rings. He’s been to 2 finals and got nothing. Last year he should’ve won, and because he didn’t, and because he disappeared we kind of hate him for it.

A big reason we all hate him is because of the Decision. No “greatest player ever” would bitch out and run to another team with a superstar. MJ, Magic and Larry never did that. Plus it wasn’t just the fact that he did that, it was how he did it. Obviously holding a televised event was a terrible choice, but he gave no heads up to anyone at Cleveland. Just a bitch slap and a middle finger to your team. Then of course they did that whole intro dance in Miami where he guaranteed like 7 championships. Yikes.

Why else do we hate him? I think a good reason is because Kevin Durant is so much more likable.  They are the two best players in the L, and the top two candidates for MVP this year. But the fact is the Durantula is just such a better guy to root for. During the lockout he was everywhere, crushing pick up games, dropping 66 on chumps, dunking all over B-Easy and going HAM at the Drew League. Meanwhile, Baby Bron Bron was taking his sweet time jumping off of high dives, ordering his steak to be cut up for him and turning his wardrobe into hipster central. What do you look for in your favorite basketball player? What KD did or what BronBron did?

Some other reasons we hate this guy: His neck beard, he copies D Wade on almost everything, he betrayed Cleveland (but I mean, its Cleveland…so….) and after he lost the finals last year he told us that his life is so much better than ours. Easy there guy.

The weird thing is, he wasn’t always like this. I watched his high school documentary and actually liked him. Back then, it was about winning games and being a stud. Nowadays its about dressing as douchey as possible, wearing two headbands to cover his balding hair and missing clutch shots at the end of games. Who knows when it really started? But doesn’t matter because that’s how he is these days.

An interesting thing to think about is what happens if he wins a championship? I’d say if the Heat won it behind a monster series from Baby BronBron, I think he would morph into a basketball version of A-Rod. Just a super douchey guy who can win some games for you. But if the Heat win behind a D Wade dominated series, with LeBron deferring to him, I think it gets worse for the Chosen One. Just a lose-lose situation for this guy. Too bad, but we hate him right? So who cares?

Plus, Delonte West bangs LeBrons mom. Gross.

Green Eggs N Pink Ham





The Ultimate Company

2 04 2012

So I was in the office the other day when JD McKillinit gave me a very tough assignment. My goal was to create the Ultimate Company, loosely based off of this multibillion blogging operation we got going here. I assume this Ultimate Company makes and sells retro basketball jerseys and Andre Nickatina cds, so keep that in mind.

 

CEO: Gordon Gekko

At the top, we need the best. This cat knows how to cut deals and doesn’t take no for an answer. This type of leadership and swag will get this company where it needs to be, and more.

CMO: Don Draper

I know he usually sticks his hand in the advertising game, but he can get a little weird with some marketing as well. Gotta keep the swag at the top to set an example for the others.

Vice President: Al Gore

Just getting shit done on his own terms. His “I Don’t Give a Fuck” mentality is just what we are looking for. Plus finally capturing ManBearPig would be huge publicity for us.

Sales team: Ed Edd and Eddy

Sales is by no means a glamorous job. These three kids go hard for 25 cents just to cop some jawbreakers, so I can imagine they’ll do great things in this position.

Finance Department: Wu Tang Clan

This ones a no brainer. Gotta diversify your bonds.

Accounting: Count von Count

From what I know, Accounting is all about crunching numbers, so I got the best number cruncher in the game.

HR: John Calipari

Simply put, we need to recruit the best for this company. Who better then Coach Cal to get it done?

Assistant: Lloyd

Killing two birds with one stone: Diversity and Gays. Gottem both son.

Reception: Pam Beasley/Erin Hannon

Answering phone calls like a boss. They’re both also kinda hot? So I mean that’s cool.

Legal Team: Robert Kardashian

When things get dicey, we have to be prepared for the worst. If Bobby K saved OJ from the joint, he could help us out big time. Plus Bring Your Daughter to Work Day would equal boners for everyone.

Spokesperson: Billy Mays

When we finally get around to making commercials, you better believe Billy Mays is selling our products. Wouldn’t you buy an Andre Nickatina record is Billy Mays was selling you on it?

Obvious Lesbian in a Managerial role: Angela Ironside

This is just to please the board. Gotta have some sort of female presence, so making her a lesbian won’t distract us from getting shit done.

Web Design: Barney Stinson

Not only do we get a legend on staff, but he once fooled a girl by creating hundreds of web pages for a fake alter ego. True story.

Creative Team: Spongebob and Patrick

When things get sluggish, put these two in a box and send them off to Imagination Land. Great idea swag for days.

PR Department: LeBrons Boys

Even though “The Decision” was the worst PR move in recorded history, I bet they could turn things around for us.

Security Guards: Might Morphin Power Rangers

I don’t foresee any major trouble, so considering these guys can only beat up unarmed dudes, they fit the job description perfectly.

Janitors: Joe Dirt and Janitor from Scrubs

Two of the best in the game, I feel like they could really clean shit up around the office. That is of course if Joe Dirt sticks around long enough.

 

So there you have it. Top to bottom, this company is loaded. We are guaranteed to be a Fortune 500 company for decades to come. If you were a smart man, I’d invest as much money as you can right now…because we need the cash.

~Green Eggs N Pink Ham





Underreaction Monday: Kentucky Basketball

26 03 2012

Ok ok, so we all knew Kentucky was good. Number 1 overall seed, number 1 overall unibrow, and so on and so forth. But goddamn they are unstoppable. I mean, Baylor Gang is a legit sick team and they ran them out of the state. I have no doubt in my mind they are going to cruise to a championship. It is not that I am claiming I called this…everyone knew they would win but I don’t think we knew that it would be this easy for them.

Going into it, I figured they could lose to a team like Kansas or UNC, or even Baylor. All three teams have just as much talent, or so I thought. Anthony Davis is other wordly, and Kidd-Gilchrist is just plain sick. Doron Lamb and the homie Terrence Jones aren’t even in the top 3 players for this team, which is ridiculous. I don’t even think Lamb starts. He would be the best player on most of Division 1 teams.

So obviously they have the talent, but their best players are Freshman so I thought maybe the pressure and spotlight would get to them. I thought wrong. They seem to be channeling their inner Fab Five but bringing it much harder. Of course, if Anthony Davis calls a timeout they don’t have in the championship game vs. UNC, that would be hilarious. And considering they are all for sure getting paid by Coach Cal, much like the Fab Five got hooked up, that could lead to an eerily similar fate. But enough Fab Five talk, back to Underreaction Monday.

One thing I never understood was the big wigs like Jay “Can You Tell I Played At Duke?” Bilas or Digger “Can You Tell I Coached At Notre Dame?” Phelps is that they said one thing that could stop Kentucky is the point guard play of Marcus Teague. Umm….what? That dude is so ill its not even fair. His older brother is tearing up the L with the Hawks, and coming out of high school Marcus was rated better. Soo…where’s the issue? Obviously this kid is going to the draft this spring and knows a good tourney run will boost his stock. Plus when all you have to do is Lob City it up to Davis/Jones/Kidd-Gilchrist/Lamb all day, life gets pretty easy.

Another reason people doubted this squad was to look at Coach Caliparis past One and Done teams. Like, the John Wall-Boogie Cousins-Eric Bledsoe team for example. That team didn’t win it all because Boogie and Bledsoe are the two biggest shit heads ever. Anthony Davis is a million times better/smarter than Boogie, and give me Marcus Teague over Drew Bledsoe erryday. You obviously can’t win a championship when your second best player is a migraine of a player.

So who knows how this Final Four will play out. My guess is that Kentucky will easily win a championship, but then have it stripped away because Calipari couldn’t help himself when he gave the entire team free cars and hookers. But that’s neither here nor there. Lets watch the wildcats do the damn thing and crush bitches for the W.

~Green Eggs N Pink HAM