Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

pope5

Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

pope6

Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz

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Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.

marc-ouellet

Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.

odilo

YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.

pope

Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent
-GBz





Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

5 03 2013

home
Yea I’m gona throw a little Mother Goose ass nursery rhyme at ya in my, I’m sure long-awaited by now, first post to the mime; but it is not without context. Recently I swallowed what was left of my pride (which was barely more than what was left in my bank account) and moved back in with my parents. Now, you over achievers out there who snatched up that college diploma, tossed that cap in the air and fell right into that financially supportive dream job, might not be familiar with what I’m talking about here, but feel free to take notes; you know, just in case that cubicle wall view starts to get a little stale after a while.

For those who [over] enjoyed the freedoms that come with the seemingly nation wide social acceptance of college age kids being complete messes day in and day out, there are a few things that change once put back under parental lock and key. A semi-intelligent person may try to argue the fact that college grads are now grown ass adults and can make their own choices, but Bubba, any parent worth their salt never gets sick of the age-old saying “my house, my rules.” So, for anyone in a similar sitch, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Even if she’s not a screamer, your rickety ass bed frame makes more noise then you think.

2. Regardless of the garnishes, Bloody Mary’s aren’t actually a breakfast food.

3. You are no longer a pre-pubescent teenager, so creamin in a sock and stuffing it into a hamper will lead to a conversation you don’t want to have with mom come laundry day.

3B. Mysterious bottles of yellow liquid tend to have a similar effect; there is no longer an acceptable explanation for the toilet being “too far away.”

4. Having a few while tweeting does not make you just a “social drinker.”

5. Spitters are no longer recyclable.

6. Thirsty Thursday is not an officially recognized holiday.

6B. Neither is Sunday Funday for that matter, sorry.

7. The walk of shame takes on a whole new feel when your mother offers her coffee on the way out.

8. Vomit must ALWAYS be cleaned up that night, not the morning after.

9. Sun rise is not a reasonable bed time.

10. And finally, you know that bong you haven’t boiled in two years? Well in a house not excessively frequented by pot heads that shit is going to stink worse than a hookers ass at Sunday morning mass, no matter where you hide it.

That’s all for now

-GBz





Meet The Newest Mime

10 01 2013

Everyone drop your TI-83 and give a warm mime welcome to Rob aka I haven’t thought up a name yet. A new year, a new writer is what I always say. Ok I said that once. Just now. But I’m going to start saying it, I can promise you that. Sadly, HAM Sangwich wasn’t working out here at TODM headquarters. I don’t want to publish any private work related grievances but let’s just say I caught him stealing 3 musketeers bars from the vending machine on MULTIPLE occasions, if you know what I mean. He, ahhh, stole some candy bars. So yeah, I canned him. That’s just how I roll. But enough about the Sang Man. We hardly knew ye.

Let’s get to the man of the hour.

Robbie

Dude fits in at the mime like OJ’s wiener fit in that glove. He might not have a name yet, but don’t let that fool you. No-name is mime material through and through. Just check the photo. Thought he was about to jump out of my computer screen and do some glass box routines that’s how mime-y he is.

Little background on TODM’s newest member. He’s 46. Or 23. Forget which one. Dude went to my high school, the high school o’ hard knocks, so of course we go way back. This also means he’s been around the block a few times. Legend has it he once met Regis Philbin. And rumor has it he runs numerous off shore robot manufacturing facilities. So when everything that happened in iRobot happens in real life, you know who to blame.

Stay tuned for more, including a mime name. If he’s anything like the rest of our mime army you’ll get a taste of his writings sometime in mid-May.

– JD





OW: Club 33

24 10 2012

Yesterday, I read an article about a member of the top-secret Disneyland club, Club 33, who’s recently been spilling the club’s beans on Reddit.com. Supposedly, the member known as ‘IAMA Club 33 member’ (killer name brah) has been answering questions about Club 33 on live chat forums. People have long-speculated on the unimaginable magic that lies within a secret, exclusive club started by Walt Disney himself. Actually, the club’s had a wikipedia page for some time now, but let’s be real, who get’s information from Wikipedia? I, for one, never used wikipedia as my only source on high school and college papers and projects. C’mon. Only suckers get info from wikipedia. Idiot loser suckers.

But let’s get back to this Club 33.

Here are some club deets:

– Membership costs $35,000 per year

– It’s located “deep within” New Orleans Square in Disneyland in Anaheim, CA

– The club opened in the 1960s and the waiting list is rumored to be 14 years

– Benefits include – valet parking, automatic upgrades at Disney properties, reserved seating at shows, a private car on the Disney Railroad, immediate fast passes, private behind-the-scenes tours, invites to special events and first priority when making reservations for family and friends

– Dinner at the restaurant costs on average $150

– The club is packed with original Disney memorabilia

– Tom Hanks and Jack Nicholson hang out there

Ok, woah.

Let me be the first to ask the obvious question, what type of Mickey Mouse organization are we dealing with here? Seems like the lamest secret club ever. Here I am picturing a fantasy land where members roll up in pumpkin chariots to all the pots and pans and candelabras from Beauty & The Beast singing a catchy tune. Then Jasmine, Snow White and Minnie Mouse emerge from behind a curtain and do the Cupid Shuffle until a bed bigger than Al Jefferson’s lowers from the ceiling for a Disney lesbo-orgy. Meanwhile, Captain Hook and Peter Pan fight on the bow of a pirate ship and there’s even a special room for tripping balls with Alice In Wonderland. Then Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen corpse jolts to life to draw caricatures of every member in attendance and everyone hits a golden encrusted buffet until the wee hours of the morning.

Well keep dreaming JD, because Club 33 has zero of those things. But, hey we’ve got valet parking so there’s that. Oh and dinner costs $150 bucks so don’t forget your wallet when you check your coat. Is this club serious? I went to PF Changs a couple weeks ago, pretty sure they had valet parking AND Tom Hanks was there. I tell you what, Walt Disney is a sneaky motherfucker with this “club”. Hey everyone pay me $35 Gs a year and all your wildest Disney fantasies will come to life! Oh wait just playin, here’s a steak dinner and check out this original sketch of Steamboat Willie I drew on a napkin!

But then, like one more SoCo Lime shot at bar close, it hit me. This ‘IAMA Club 33 member’ dude isn’t a member, he’s just on the Disney payroll. There’s no question about it. Walt’s frozen dome paid some guy to go on social media sharing websites and spit lies about Club 33. “Ohh they have special access to concerts and shows”, “Ohh, I heard Club 33 is opening up more memberships” lie, lie, super-lie. But the lies work! Suddenly, people like you and I are intrigued yet at the same time, we’re thinking, this Club trey-trey sounds like a rip-off. Because when it comes down to it, the public perception of this club means nothing.

In reality, the Club is probably beyond your wildest dreams. Guaranteed, a membership card comes with a complimentary BDSM session with Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Guaranteed, original recipe Four Loko is still served at that bar. Guaranteed, on your birthday Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother increases the length of your dong by 5 inches (for those keeping track at home that puts me at 6.25!). But keep in mind, this is Disney we’re talking about. Non-members could never, ever know the secrets of the club. It’s definitely a blood-in, blood-out situation. If you want out of the Rollin’ Disneys, you better be ready for human sacrifice.

So bravo, Disney. Bra-fucking-vo. You might have fooled America, but the mime knows the truth. Now, PLEAAASSSSEEE let me join your club.

– JD





Free Fallin: Countdown to vaporization

11 10 2012

So I think it’s pretty common knowledge that there’s a dude trying to skydive from 120,000 feet aka 23 miles aka fucking space, right? If not, well then get with the internet, ya square. It’s all over the place. The guy, named Felix Baumgartner, called off his first attempt this past Tuesday because of high winds. He then claimed today would be the day. Well now they’re saying the next weather window allowing for a safe attempt is Sunday. Ok dog. First things first, you’re trying from 23 miles up. I’m no meteorologist but pretty sure “high winds” are standard up there. So what if a couple cirrus clouds are up on your jock? If you’re looking for a light breeze, try sky diving from the upstairs bar at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville in Key West. Plus last I checked Neil Armstrong’s space suit was designed for bouncing around on the moon, not breaking the sound barrier.

Now, if you’re still amped up to see this “feat” go down, you can check out the live feed here. Here’s his plan: he’s going to suit up in an astronaut outfit, float up to space in a super thin hot air ballon, free fall 23 miles, deploy a super strong parachute and lightly glide down to a crowd of cheering people. Sounds less realistic than most 3rd graders theories on how babies are made. A dick goes in a vagina guys. Sorry to burst your crane drops off a package theory, but fax is fax. But where was I? Oh right, the guy sky diving from space. Initially I thought it’s was cool idea. Guy gets to say he free fell from the moon and lived to tell the tale. Chicks will go bananas for that one at the clubs. Hmm should I go home with the guy who works for State Farm or the guy who dive bombed planet earth? Plus he’s sponsored by Red Bull, so FREE RED BULL 4 LIFE MOTHERFUCKERS!

Yet when you get down to it, the idea isn’t as much cool as it is goddamn retarded. It’s going to take 2-3 hours for him to float up to space in his magic balloon. So right off the bat, he’s sitting alone, in a balloon thinking about imminent death. Then once he gets up there he has to execute a perfect “delta” dive or he gets caught in a dangerous “horizontal spin” which I’ve got to assume is basically a recipe for puking in your space suit followed by death. Within 15 seconds he’ll be traveling over 690 miles per hour. That’s fast. And trust me, I know fast. I ran a blazing 5.3 40 a few years back. So if my numbers are right he’ll experience like 2 billion G force. That’s a lot of gerbils. Then the atmosphere is so thin that if his suit loses pressure his blood instantly vaporizes, which sounds fun. One wayward satellite scrapes against his helmet and boom, vaporized yo. Finally, if at any time he loses consciousness he’ll have to rely on his parachute opening automatically or he’s minced meat.

Count em up, that’s minimum 65 things that could go wrong.

Guy is a dare-devil, no doubt. But my biggest beef is with Red Bull on this. Sure they’ve sponsored dare devils before but sponsoring Travis Pastrana doing a “world record” jump over some pond in a Subaru can’t be classified as a similar event. At no time during Travis’ jump was I like, “ohhh dat dude dead”. Felix Baumgartner on the other hand, is basically being sponsored to free fall to his death. Red Bull’s probably thinking man we’re going to sell SO MANY energy drinks once this guy burns up re-entering the earth’s atmosphere! Kid’s are going to wet themselves for action like that. And if you think about it from a marketing perspective, it’s a win-win. Guy dies – kids want to honor his legacy by drinking the last drink he had before his extremely painful vaporization death, guy lives, every kid on the planet wants a Red Bull because maybe they too can successfully swan dive from Mars to Florida.

Even though Felix hasn’t even done anything yet, his legacy is already sealed. Everyone and their cat is talking about the skydive from space. Chance are Red Bull sales are through the roof and Felix’s probably prepping in his ultra-thin balloon by getting jerked off by half the cast of He’s Just Not That Into You. So live or die, Felix Navidad is a winner in my eyes. He’s just an incredibly stupid winner.

– JD