Your New Big Papa

14 03 2013

Conclave is over, the alter boys are busy re-scotch guarding every surface inside the Vatican, and all those wrinkly Cardinals are returning with empty chambers to their respected countries. All in all I’d say it was a success since we do now have the 266th spiritual leader of the Catholic Church.
This guy:

Pope Francis I appears on the central balcony

Man, how did I miss that mug in the first two? This of course would be 76-year-old Jorge Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires and now respectfully deemed Pope Francis. Now, I know we were all hoping for our first black Pope, given the bang up job Obama’s been doing over here, but Papa Franny is the first in a few categories of his own. He is the first ever Jesuit Pope, the first non-European in the modern era, and the first to ever take the name Francis. Ironic actually, given that the Jesuits and the Franciscans see eye to eye about as often as Yankee’s fans stroll through Southie after an away win and live to tell the tale. But there are more ways than one that the new head honcho has already shown that he ain’t gona be going about business as usual.

The Pontiff wasted no time breaking with tradition when, just before his introduction to the world, turned to Cardinal Dolan of New York and whispered; “If I get up on that God damn thing I’ll go right over the f#%*!ng railing,” effectively refusing to use the platform that would elevate him higher than the other Cardinals around him, as the Popes before him have done.

pope-francis2

Known as a very humble man and for his love of the poor, the disenfranchised and those facing injustice. Uh oh, do we got another Mother Teresa on our hands? I guess only time will tell. But, whether it was a fear of heights or a genuine act of humility, addressing a crowd at the same level of the men who, only minutes before were his equals, may have been a touching gesture and all, its not the first time the big man has gone out of his way to NOT abuse his status. While archbishop he declined the offer to have a chauffeured limousine and decided instead to travel more inconspicuously:

pope5

Yeaa Booiii.

Not only was his whip tight but this dude wasn’t about to stay in some dusty old shack like the archbishops palace, with all those servants and maids around to cramp his style. No, he found himself a nice little loft in Buenos Aires’ red light district. “I needed to be around my people,” he said, “I just felt more at home there.”

So, Mother Teresa esk? Well, debatable; but we’ll see what those crooked investigative journalists types dig up to smear his good name. God knows they have already started trying. Rumors are flying around dating back to his priest days when Argentina was torn apart by what was called the ‘Dirty War.’ Of course back then he was known as Father Jorge ‘El Rey montó’ Bergoglio, aka ‘King Dong.’

As the story goes he was given this nickname by a local pimp who during confession was distraught that he could not protect his girls from getting beaten by their johns. The good father suggested that the pimp find a way to market to a new customer base. A few hours later the pimp returned with a box, a gift for priest; inside was the severed genitalia of a man. “See,” said the pimp. “Now he has no more reason to be a customer.” Obviously there had been a miss communication but the nickname stuck nonetheless.

However, another story has emerged that back in 1976 the now holy father had a part in the kidnapping of two liberal Jesuit priests by the military dictatorship. An accusation he whole heartedly denies. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what kind of ‘proof’ is dug up on that one.

pope6

Regardless of what you believe this man is our new pope, a position of great power and influence and like all the other candidates named before has his own opinions on the “issues.” He opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, shocker, and also believes that too many Catholics, in particular American Catholics, are using contraception. Dude, are you aware how easy it is these days to watch porn? Its monkey see monkey do. Of course we’re going be bangin each others brains out by the time we hit puberty! You think Mary would have stayed a virgin if at age 16 she saw ‘Deep Throat’ for the first time? You gotta at least give us a little credit for trying to be safe about it.

But, don’t worry loyal readers of the Mime, I have faith that after a few years of rising teen pregnancies under his watch, he’ll come around.

Ok, enough Papa bashing.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

-GBz

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Tosh.O? More like Tosh.No

7 01 2013

Tosh.o

After last week’s sappy post on appreciating the little things in life I think we can all agree TODM feels a little wimpy, and a lotta soft. A post of that nature every once in a while is fine, but let’s be real, it’s not what we’re all about here at the mime. If it were, we’d be the Off Fruity Mime. Right? Because of fruit. Alright, so in an attempt to get back to our roots, I’m going to bitch about something that’s been increasingly bothering me over the last year or two.

Comedy Central’s viral video clip juggernaut, Tosh.O.

Tosh has been dominating the ratings at Comedy Central since spring of 2009, and for the first few seasons, I was hooked. Dude was hilarious. His web redemptions were comedy gold.  The boom goes the dynamite kid one with Gus Johnson was freaking hysterical. Since 09 Tosh has been en fuego. His popularity is at an all time high. He even did a college campus tour where I tuned in each week to see him do his show live from different college auditoriums.

As you can tell, I’ve been a fan of Tosh.O for some time now. But here’s the big problem. Shock factor has always been a big part of the shows schtick. He’s always showing crazy videos from the internet. That’s the whole premise of the show. Here’s a fat chick snapping a park swing. Haha, what a tubby. Classic. And scattered in there are always a few disgusting videos. Here’s a dude getting a compound fracture jumping off a skateboard. Oooh nasty! For the first few seasons, Tosh mixed in the nasty videos pretty sparingly. He didn’t rely on them. Well fast forward to last season. Dude had each episode chock full o nasty, sick, disgusting videos. And keep in mind I’ve got a pretty strong stomach. Remember that show Scarred from MTV? The one where the lead singer of Papa Roach narrated dudes breaking their faces off rollerblading and shit? Yeah I loved that show. Weird how it was cancelled almost instantly? Figured a show with slo-mos of horrific injuries would get ratings through the roof. Crazy world we live in.

Anyways, the point I’m getting at is Tosh is peppering in nasty ass videos more and more frequently during his show. The last few episodes I’ve tossed on I usually throw up my ramen noodles about three minutes in. It’s like he’s running low on funny internet videos and needs to make up for it with gross shit. Basically, it quickly made the show unwatchable for me. Thanks, but I think I’ll sacrifice a few Tuesday evening laughs so that I don’t projectile my lunch all over my neighbor’s porch.

To make things even worse, it seems like Daniel Tosh’s loveable self-obsessed uber douche style of comedy is only getting more intense. Maybe it’s just everyone in America getting sick of it over time, but it just seems like the guy needs to dial it back a bit. We get it dude. You’re a smart ass jagoff. That’s your thing. How about maybe ease up on the videos of dudes shooting their scrotum off and go back to the funny stuff. And no, I’m not going to give you guys a link to that video. But it was featured on Tosh.O. Here’s a better link instead.

Or how about that video of the dude pulling some random shit out of his nose for like an hour?

Dude c’mon. I was planning on going to Applebees in like 20 minutes.

Basically what I’m driving at is Tosh.O is on the downswing. I know it, you know it, your cat even knows it. Guy had a nice little four year run and his ship is slowly sailing away. What sucks for him is his little call out all the shows on Comedy Central that have been cancelled right before commercial break routine. Ha! The Showbiz Show With David Spade! I remember that one. Well jokes about to be on you Toshy. I give it two more seasons, tops.

And know that I’d be less likely to rip on Tosh if he hadn’t totally ruined things with all these nasty videos. Like ask me two years ago and I’d basically write you a long list of reasons why I’d go gay for Daniel Tosh. Well times they have-a changed, folks. I’m sorry it had to end like this Daniel. By the way, for christsake go by Dan or Danny or something. This full name thing is real annoying too.

Alright, that’s about all I got. If you still watch Tosh.O, good for you. Just don’t be all bummed out when your Chicken Cordon Bleu is on the rug in front of your TV next time you tune in.

 

– JD





The McRib: An Inside Look

18 12 2012

ribwich

Yesterday McDonald’s announced the return of the mighty McRib sandwich to their menus, causing a nationwide “the McRib is back eh? Again? Wait did it ever leave? Whatever, probably won’t buy one”. What was once a fast food urban legend, appearing every once in 20 years only to sleek back into the shadows, now seems to be on sale more than ever. Didn’t McDonald’s bring the McRib back this time last year too? I’m starting to lose track, not that I was keeping track to begin with.

In celebratory fashion, Yahoo Finance posted an article titled ‘11 Amazing Facts about the McDonald’s McRib‘. Since I have nothing important to do ever, I read the whole thing. First of all, kind of weird Yahoo Finance is writing amazing fact articles about the McRib. Figured they’d be analyzing low interest rates or discussing how the NASDAQ activity from last thursday but whatever. Not my job to critique the fine folks at Yahoo Finance. Second, is the McRib honestly popular enough to keep bringing it back, again and again? Is it actually like that Simpsons episode where the Krusty Burger Rib-Wich has a cult following like the Grateful Dead? It can’t be, right? I’ve had the McRib before, it mostly tastes like a bag of dongs.

 

Well let’s take a look at all 11 “amazing” facts and see if we can learn a thing or two about the McRib.

1. The McRib came out because of a shortage of chickens.

Not surprising in the least. Ah fuck, we’re out of chicken nuggets, what do we do? Here, put this nasty pork slab on a bun. Boom, McRib. Honest question though, how was there a shortage of chickens in this country? I’m no chicken farmer, but from what I’ve heard there are like a zillion chickens per state.

 

2. The McRib was inspired by Southern BBQ. 

Because nothing reminds me of authentic home-cooked Southern BBQ like a juicy McRib.

 

3. The McRib is a product of “restructured meat technology.”

Apparently it’s made from a mixture of tripe, heart and scalded stomach. Huh. Totally know what all of those are. I like stomach, but only if it’s scalded, under cook that stomach and you can bet your ass I won’t touch it.

 

4. The whole process of fresh pork to frozen McRib takes about 45 minutes. 

Seems a little high. How does grinding up a pig, pouring it into a McRib mold and cryogenically freezing it take 45 minutes?

 

5. The entire McRib sandwich contains about 70 ingredients – including a flour-bleaching agent used in yoga mats. 

Azodicarbonamide, to be specific. Good to know though, if I don’t finish my McRib at least I can toss er on the ground and do a couple three-legged downward facing dogs. Get my heart rate back down.

 

6. The McRib debuted in 1981, disappeared in 1985, and has resurfaced from time-to-time since 1994.

Very rich history indeed, but like I said “resurfaced from time-to-time” should read “rears its ugly head pretty much every year like clockwork”.

 

7. Individual restaurants can actually order the ingredients for the McRib at any time. 

Thank sweet baby jesus they don’t though, amiright?!

 

8. McDonald’s keeps the McRib scarce because the sandwich’s entire brand relies on it. 

This might be the most mind boggling part of the McRib phenomenon. People seriously go nuts for this sandwich. The minute it goes on sale, there are people in line screaming and hollering to get their hands on one. Whatever tickles your fancy I guess, but why pick the McRib? How about the McGriddle? Let’s bring that back once every five years.

 

9. It’d be incredibly difficult for McDonald’s to create more McRib-esque products, because that cult-like following is so hard to replicate. 

Really? I’d bet they absolutely could do it again. If they got an entire “cult” of people to live and die by a restructured pork sandwich that tastes like Phil Collins’ grundle. They should be able to make a new sandwich that actually tastes awesome and have it gain an even bigger following no problem.

 

10. There’s also speculation that the McRib is really just a big commodity trade by McDonald’s. 

Apparently whenever the McRib reappears, hog prices are conveniently low as shit. Hmm, interesting. I will say this is venturing into the financial realm, one which your boy JD isn’t too familiar. So I’m going to back away slow, and pretend I didn’t read the word ‘commodity’. Not trying to get sucked into a ponzi scheme. You can never be too careful.

 

11. Animal rights group sues McRib meat supplier over inhumane treatment of pigs. 

Don’t pigs thrive in inhumane conditions? Last I checked pigs love rolling around in their own piss and shit and sleep best all piled on top of each other with dead pigs at the bottom. Better lumbar support for em. Saw it in a documentary once. So shut your yappers PETA and keep in mind those piggies are about to be super tasty McRibs.

 

There you have it. 11 amazing facts. Was your mind blown? Is your jaw on the floor right now? Probably not considering almost every one of those facts was incredibly predictable. What’s that? The McRib has some unnatural ingredients in it? NO WAY. The McRib is scarce for a reason? Whaa? I think the bottom line is a big congrats to McDonald’s is in order. You continue to sell people an absolutely terrible sandwich, and you do it with class. Bravo. So to all the mime compadres, go out there and grab yourself a McRib. Remember, they’re only around for a limited time!

 

– JD





FTK: The Weeknd – more than just boning tunes?

19 11 2012

 

It’s been a hot tick since we put on our apron and dished out a fresh music souffle for the people.

Last week The Weeknd, one of the biggest up-and-coming R&B singers of the last two years, released his first album, titled Trilogy. Officially called a “compilation album” because along with some new music, it features a bunch of stuff from past mixtapes, it all in all totals 30 jams. Actually I’ve yet to pick up the album, mainly because there are only three new songs. But I streamed the shit out of it today and I figured it’s a good time to spill my thoughts on the man they call The Weeknd.

Any of you not familiar with The Weeknd yet, here’s a little background on the dude. His real name is Abel Tesfaye and he’s a 22 year old from Toronto, Canada. In early 2011 the cat started dropping songs on youtube, gained a following and within a few short months he was blowing up large. 2011 was a monumental year for Abel, by December he had three mixtapes under his belt, including a couple critically acclaimed feature songs. In early 2012, many of the country’s biggest music publications were singing his praises. The Source even called him “the songbird of our generation”. He may be worthy of the songbird conversation, but let’s be real that title clearly belongs to R. Kelly.

Quick shout out to Moses Malone aka Roy Mahoney for the heads up on The Weeknd. Kid drops R&B knowledge on my dome time and time again.

If you’ve heard any of TW’s tunes before, you know he’s built his unique style on a heavy old school influence (see: Michael Jackson). Not necessarily unique in the sense that it’s never been done before, but unique in that it’s getting back to what R&B used to be. TW is everything Usher and Taio Cruz and Trey Songz’s new wave Rhythm & Bullshit is not. I’ve heard people call it narco-R&B in that the music is tranquilizing as shit. Certainly, to say his style is laid back is a massive understatement. But pulsating bass-lines and catchy hooks somehow make it upbeat enough to not put you to sleep. His sound is often distorted, but that’s doesn’t mean there’s any sort of auto-tuned, machine-produced vibe to it. Bottom line is the guy can fuggin sing your face off. Some of the notes he hits make my wiener tingle. Plus, he’s proved he’s down with hip hop collaborations and as you can imagine, a few slick verses on a Weeknd song is a dope recipe.

All that aside, circle back and state the obvious. The Weeknd makes straight up sex music. I haven’t heard a TW track I didn’t immediately envision myself plowing to. Even if his subject matter is not in line with coitus, by the end of most TW songs my pants are off. Probably shouldn’t be streaming this album and work right now. Carla in sales is going to start filing harassment claims and I don’t even work with a Carla in sales. That’s how intensely sexual TW’s tunes are. But. And keep in mind I say but. He’s got a weird way with his music where even though I really want to get down and start fucking any time it comes on, it’s chill enough to pop on in the car and roll to, or listen to when I’m hanging out. I can’t explain it. Let’s call it The Weeknd phenomenon.

So whether you’re looking to slip into 48 hour sex coma wit your girl after crushing some turkey and pie on Thursday, or you’re wound up tight and need to relax on your drive back home, do yourself a favor and check out The Weeknd. If for no other reason, the dude used to rock a killer flat top:

Here are a couple of my favorite cuts:

 

– JD





This Week In America’s Worst Jobs: The Milk Truck

15 11 2012

Welp I found it guys. I think I found the worst of the worst jobs we’ve featured to date. So far we’ve had Dez Bryant’s baby sitters, we’ve had burying famous musicians, but I think this one takes the cake. Everyone, feast your eyes on “The Milk Truck”. Don’t let the giant titty on top fool you either, this is not a mobile strip club. Think same amount of titties, triple the number of babies, maybe add a pink couch or two then subtract about a million cool points. The Milk Truck is a traveling breast feeding station that rolls around Pittsburgh to assist breastfeeding mothers on the go. Feel free to visit their website if you’re a nursing mother in the Pittsburgh area and would like to learn more. Shout out to all the pittsburgh area breastfeeding mime readers! If you’re not that, I wouldn’t waste your time. Stick with the mime, we’ll break this thing down for you and we’ll leave the saggy nip suckling out of it.

According to the website, some art teacher named Jill thought up the idea. I’ll let her explain:

“The Milk Truck is a combination of guerilla theater, activism and a little slapstick humor. Yes, we have a truck with a giant boob on the roof. There’s a reason for making The Milk Truck – to create a mobile breastfeeding unit that allows mothers to feed their babies in places where they have been discouraged – restaurants, shopping malls, public spaces, etc. Babies should be able to eat anywhere. And everywhere”

Neat!

First things first, babies should most definitely not be able to eat anywhere. Let’s make that one clear. Off the top of my head I can think of quite a few places babies shouldn’t eat in. The gym? A liquor store? My living room? Applebees? All places that should most definitely ban babies eating, and babies in general for that matter. I’ve done some reading and I’m pretty sure like 90% of America’s babies are obese so a couple hours of no eating while Mom gets 2 entrees for $20 aint gonna kill em.

Even though there are a couple things about this truck I can get down with, like a giant titty on the roof and the fact that wherever it goes it basically quarantines nursing mothers. Both of those aspects are cool. But then I read about the ‘activism’ and what not and I have to switch my views. Listen, I’m all for mothers rights. Go moms! You guys rule! But breastfeeding in public rights I cannot get down with. It’s nasty, end of story. I remember when I was at Disney World back in the day and we were on the monorail and some fat Eastern European woman straight up whipped out tit and started letting her gaggle of children suckle to their hearts content. First, pretty sure that was the first live tit I ever saw. Not a good start. Second, this is America. Unless you’re hot you can’t show your breasticles in public. That’s how our founding fathers laid it out. You don’t like it? Go back to knitting Nike shoes for shekels in Bulgaria.

Many businesses discourage breastfeeding for one simple reason. People don’t want to see it. Not trying to watch the circle of life unfold at table 16 while I munch on this You-Pick-Two at Panera Bread. It’s bad for business. If you have one of those massive covers that looks like the things they put on you when you’re getting x-rays, be my guest. But blatant feeding just doesn’t fly with most people.

So naturally, the guy who has to drive this thing around all day is automatically in the worst jobs ever category.

Hey Phil, it’s been a while man!…Still at Home Depot stockin shelves? Nah, movin on up. I drive a breastfeeding mobile now. Jesus h…hey, not to be too forward but I know this guy who does assisted suicides…

Some of you might be thinking, dude think of the MILF possibilities! It wouldn’t be that bad, plus it’d be such a rewarding job. Really? Because no it fucking wouldn’t. It would suck (ha! see what I did there?). Sure occasionally there might be a hottie but given the time-since-birth among other factors you’ve gotta assume the clientele aren’t even close to on their A game. Plus, you know how new mothers are. Everyone and their cat must bow to them. It’s them and baby Madisyn first, everyone else after. And of course, babies. Tons of crying, hungry babies. Everywhere.

I wouldn’t even pay Mike Rowe to do an episode of dirty jobs in that milk mobile.

 

– JD





Papa Peyton’s…I mean John’s

26 10 2012

 

For the last three years, Peyton Manning has been teaming up with Papa John Schnatter for a cluster-fuck of Papa John’s commercials. Most of them have been terrible, some of them are at best, moderately amusing and I think maybe one of them was kinda funny. And keep in mind I think Peyton Manning is a funny dude.

Some of those Mastercard commercials are pure gold. Yet for some reason, (probably that Papa John Schnatter is a grade A chach-bag) all of Peyton’s Papa John’s ads are garbage.

So when I heard that Peyton is buying 21 Denver-area Papa John’s franchises, I was straight pissed yo. Seriously Peyton? You’re getting in bed with Papa Johnny Schnatter? I mean granted, you were already in bed with the dude. But you hadn’t given up the back door yet bro! Save it for marriage! Papa John Schnatter doesn’t love you for real, he just loves parts of you. Like your giant forehead and your comb over and your shoulder pads. It feels like the time my best pal was being used by a chick for his magnum dong. She didn’t like him, she just couldn’t get enough of his magic stick. I wanted to say something real bad, like brah get out before it’s too late. But I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I, you ask? Because it was already too late, folks.

Same concept here. Peyton’s been hanging with “Papa” John Schnatter for far too long. Getting beers after work, helping each other move, donating money when the other does a 5K for the cure, arguing about how many free pizzas to give away on a football field. And now this. They’re basically best bros from what I can tell. I bet Papa John, who probably isn’t a real father thus furthering his phony status, was probably like “yo P-bone (that’s his nickname for Peyton), you should buy 21 of my restaurants.” And Peyton was like, “Oh, I don’t know Big Daddy Schnattz (that’s what he calls Papa John) I’m already filthy rich, not really trying to get in the fast food game.” Then Papa John was like, “but dude, remember? Better ingredients…better pizza.” And at that point Peyton already had his checkbook out.

But why is this a big deal, JD? Because it just fucking is, brah. Think about it, not only are we subject to years and years of more lame Papa John’s – Peyton Manning commercials but we’re also looking at a possible new socialite duo that will put Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton to shame. They’ll make the Two Corey‘s (minus the one Corey because he’s dead and all) look like a couple idiots. They’ll make Cheech and Chong stop smoking. I can picture it now. Pizza baron and star QB hit the posh NY nightclub scene til 5am! Peyton and Papa out of control? Better ingredients, better…cocaine binges? Little Caesar organizes intervention for Papa “party animal” John. The headlines basically write themselves.

And I, for one, refuse to sit back and watch it happen. I love Papa John’s pizza too much. I hate their commercials even more. Hey let’s organize a mob and burn down all of Peyton’s pizza restaurants in Denver!! Who’s with me!?!? Ok, apparently nobody. Whatever. Screw you guys. Have fun with your pizza joints, Mr. Manning. I’ll be exclusively eating at Dominos from now on.

 

– JD





Northern Xposure Week 7: Packers Postgame

22 10 2012

As I basically predicted, Northern Xposure is limping through the meat of the season. So far I’ve received mixed feedback on the segment, and by mixed I mean mostly negative stuff. Weird huh. I figured with out country’s serious lack of NFL game analysis on the interwebs, Northern Xposure would totally kill it. Guess some things just don’t make sense. Oh well. Let’s ride it out for a few more weeks before we take #NX out back and end things old yeller style.

Now where was I? Ohh…right. The Packers. 4-3. TDs on TDs on TDs. Mojo officially back.

Yesterday’s game went about exactly how I thought it would go. A relatively close game on paper that never felt close by any means. Even though the Rams narrowed the lead to seven early in the fourth, everyone and their Dad knew who was coming out on top. A-Rog was en fuego all game long, Randall Cobb continued to prove he could probably be a number one receiver on a lot of other NFL teams and the D kept Sammy Bradford in check all game long (which, let’s be real, isn’t much of an accomplishment). Shit, even injuries and drops from Jermichael were minimal. I’d say about the only real glaring issue was Alex Green and his 1.75 yards per carry. C’mon breh. I mean I know the Rams D is good against the run, but at least bust out one run for more than six yards. I thought frosted tips = being a baller?

So this brings us to the midway point of the 2012 season. These next three Sunday’s should be easy ones. Should be. The Cardinals look absolutely terrible, as of yesterday afternoon the Jaguars entire offense is hurt and unless they get their shit together in Chicago on MNF tonight, the Lions aint lookin so hot either. Of course, you never know with the NFL. For example, the Jags could come to Lambeau with Jesus as their starting QB next week and torch us for 15 TDs. You just don’t know.

– JD

 

UPDATE: Spoke too soon. Chuck Woodson’s out for six weeks with a broken collarbone. Fug meee.