We Miss Hilary Duff

10 01 2013


Real bad, guys. Real bad.

Here’s why. Hilary Duff was like my teen idol. Now days kids have Bieber and Selena and all those flamers in One Direction. That’s about it as far as I can tell. Well let’s rewind to the early 2000s. Teen idols were everywhere. You couldn’t turn around without being introduced to a new 16-24 year old singing or acting sensation that you also probably wanted to bang. Britney. Christina. Mandy Moore. Jessica Simpson. Frankie Muniz. Wait, what? The point is teen idols were easy to come by. Especially for a 14 year old kid who’s permanently semi-chubbed and frequently subjected to watching the Disney channel with his younger sister. And like most young lads, I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out in the crowd. So first I went to Abercromie & Fitch because they help you express yourself and your individuality, guys. Then I latched on to a hot teen sensation. That teen sensation was none other than Hilary Duff. While my friends were jerkin it to Mandy Moore posters, tuggin one out to a google image search of ‘boobs’, all I needed was a VHS copy of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

And make no mistake, I’m not writing this post to rehash my obsessive-compulsive relationship with a Hilary Duff poster I bought at Walgreens. Although incredibly interesting, I’ll leave that out of it. I’m simply taking a trip down memory lane to give you a glimpse of how important Hilary was to my adolescence, and also to remember some sweet shit she did. Then, ultimately, to make the point that she needs to hop back on the scene pronto. Chicks like 25 AND she’s not cruising around smoking crack with Amanda Bynes. Sounds like a recipe for getting back in the spotlight to me.

First of all, she killed it as Lizzie McGuire. I’ll admit I watched a few episodes. C’mon. For a lame disney show it was dy-no-mite. In between SI Swimsuit editions and Friends re-runs where Jennifer Aniston was nipping out (which was like every single episode) I didn’t have many other options.


When I say babe I mean babe in the eyes of a 12 year old. C’mon, easy fellas.

Following the Lizzie Mac show, she began dominating the big screen in such classics as Agent Cody Banks, Cheaper By The Dozen and A Cinderella Story. I don’t want to sound cocky, but I knew she was going to be a big movie star. Knew it. When people talk about that “it” factor, they think Hilary D.

Soon, however, she grew tired of acting. I mean, who can blame her? It’s like once you climb mount everest you’re pretty much done-zo with the mountain climbing. Same can be said after a three year span during which she was nominated for like 17 Teen Choice Awards. Been there done that. So she decided to flex her golden pipes. And flex, she did.

Remember any of these classics?

Yeah, me too. BANGERS.

Well this takes us up to 2006-2007. After years of being Disney’s sweetheart and a few lame relationships with Aaron Carter and that douche from Good Charlotte, I’d assume Hil needed a break from the spotlight. So she kind of faded from our minds. But certainly NOT from our hearts. Then in 2007, she started dating an NHL player named Mike Comrie. Eventually they tied the knot and last year they had their first child. Let me take a break from describing Hilary Duff’s personal life to you to ask what’s with all these NHL dudes snagging up all the hotties? First that NHL dude married Candice Cameron from Full House, who by the way is a total babe these days. Then Hilary Duff got snagged up by Mike Comrie. Who, let’s be honest, looks like a young-douchey version of Dan Aykroyd. And just recently I saw that LA Kings star Jarret Stoll is currently running through some of the hottest chicks of our day. Even though very few people care about the sport, it’s clearly good to be a hockey player. Damn.

Anyways, just the other day Hil Duff instagrammed some super sexy photos of her new crazy workouts to shed the baby weight, since she popped out her Duff jr. just last year. Check em out here. I’ll be honest it looks like she’s exercising in some painting scaffolds but whatever. She’s clearly still as flexible as I imagined she’d be all those years ago. This is good news because as I mentioned earlier, most of the early 2000s teen sensations aaaaren’t doing so hot these days. Jessica Simpson is a blimp, Christina Aguilera is nasty as hell, Lindsay Lohan should be in everyone’s death pool and Britney went off the deep end years ago. Honestly, I kind of expected it. Especially the part where Hilary Duff emerged relatively unscathed. I mean, duh-ff, right? She was clearly the best one of them all.

Well in hopes that Hil dog is reading this very post, from everyone here at the Mime, please come back in the spotlight, Ms. Duff. Please. We miss you, girl. Like an AIDS patient misses their white blood cell count. So, yeah. A LOT. Maybe kick things off with Lizzie McGuire 2: Back In Tha Game? We’ll write the script!


– JD



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