2 Broke TVs Thanks to 2 Broke Girls

21 04 2013

cbs-2011-2-broke-girls

Not sure if any mime compadres have been watching CBS’ fine primetime programming lately, but if you have and it happened to be a Monday, you probably stumbled upon a few seconds of the second season of their “hit” show, 2 Broke Girls. Then you probably cancelled your cable plan and spot welded your eyes shut. Sweet baby rays BBQ sauce that show is awful. As much as I hate to admit it, I watched about seven minutes of it a few weeks back and as far as I can tell, it’s hands down the worst show ever made.

Don’t get me wrong, there’ve been A LOT of awful sitcoms in American history. I could write a freaking dead sea scroll listing all the shows I’ve turned on and then immediately turned off, and I’m sure you can too. For every one good show, there’s like 76 others that were immediately cancelled. So I won’t bore you with mini-rants on garbage programming like Blind Justice. I’ll just cut to the chase and go off on our lousy show of the hour, 2 Broke Girls.

For those not familiar, I’ll provide a sample clip. Feel free to watch, but just know that you’ll probably light your computer on fire ten seconds in.

UHH. Shut it off for the LOVE OF GOD!

And listen, I get it…. hey JD if you hate it so much then just don’t watch it! Valid point captain Mcannoyingface, but here’s the thing you’re forgetting. I live at home with my folks. Ya boy doesn’t necessarily have control of the tube on a nightly basis. For example, just last week I was in the kitchen heating up a two slices of leftover meatloaf and overheard 2 Broke Girls on TV. Enough to make even the most mentally tough men fly off the handle.

Here’s the 411 on the show. It’s a sitcom that debuted in 2011 to the dismay of, I can assume, every person on planet earth. It’s about two chicks in their twenties who are waitresses and, wait for it, happen to be down on their luck and BROKE. One has always been poor and the other used to be rich but now she’s poor, or something like that. Apparently the show was created by Whitney Cummings. A chick who is usually moderately hilarious in Comedy Central roasts, so that was a surprise to me. It stars some relatively hot blonde chick and the kinda goth, ugly daughter from 40 Year Old Virgin. How she got a primetime show is beyond me. And what bugs me the most about her is she’s constantly guilty of the excessive lipstick use. Worst look out there. Gaudy burgundy lipstick. Woof. Not much else to say regarding the plot of the show, lot of obnoxious one liners and a bunch of craptastic acting.

Plus, to make matters worse, they just signed on for a third season! Thank the lord! Was worried I wouldn’t have a couple of incredibly annoying wise-cracking broads to brighten up my Monday nights any more. Wheew.

I really want to know who the hell watches this show? Like seriously, if you’re reading this and you also happen to watch 2 Broke Girls on a regular basis, let me know. Send us an email. Maybe a quick one or two paragraph rundown on why. I honestly want to meet you, maybe pick your brain for a bit, find out just how horrible your sense of humor could possibly be. Because I sit here and I can’t seem to think of one person on planet earth that would enjoy the program, yet it continues to get decent ratings. It won a friggin Emmy for christsake!

Just mind blowing stuff, folks. You know what, I’m going to completely switch up the tone of this post and go a head and give a big ol’ congrats to 2 Broke Girls. You’re somehow kicking TV ass. You suck so so much, but yet you don’t at the same time. And at the end of the day, I kind of have to respect that. It’s like I want to drive to CBS Studios in Cali and release a pack of moose on their set in the hopes they’ll never film another second of the show again, but at the same time I kinda want to find out their secret and get in on the scam too.

Way to go 2 Broke Girls, you have everyone here at the mime totally perplexed.

– JD

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Underrated Hottie of The Week

12 03 2013

Before I begin, I know all of you out there are thinking; “Thank God” “Praise Allah” or cheersing another cup of that Kool-Aid to whatever name your cult leader goes by that GBz has given up on the religious themed rants for now. I get it, I hear ya- lets get back to something we can all agree on; sex, drugs, and rockin boobies. We got us another hottie here but damn, if I do say so myself, there ain’t nothing underrated about this one- fair warning.

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This mean knuckler would be Gina Carano, daughter of the former jock strap holder for Roger Staubach- NFL wanna-be quarterback Glenn Carano, and let me warn you boys, just in case you ain’t yet heard the name; she would happily tie her right arm and left foot behind her back and still beat your ass like she was paid to do it. Not saying I didn’t get a little hard just typing that, but actually she has been paid to do it, multiple times. She carries with her an impressive 12-1-1 professional MMA record and, as I eagerly wait to show you, still has the face to prove it takes more than a little luck to lay a glove on this pretty Texas flower.

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I dont know bout yall but I’d certainly flip the bill for a few days hospital stay for the chance to be put in a leg lock by this:

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Excuse me while I go “meditate” on those images awhile.

…..
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….Well, that sure didn’t take long.

Back to the hottie herself. Certainly with a million dollar smile like hers and an attitude to boot, Hollywood was going to come a-knockin at some point, and knock it did, hard. Landing the leading role in a Steven Soderbergh picture (Haywire, 2011) is no small feat for anyone in the business of show, much less someone who previously got kicked in the teeth for a living. But she sure did it and hasn’t looked back since.

Gents, just go check out the trailer for Fast and Furious 6, you’ll see Paul Walker is no longer the prettiest one in that cast.

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Again, I’ll go ahead and assume that before this you fiends had already creeped all over my girl Gina, but even so, is anyone disappointed in taking a second look? I’ve certainly taken a third or forth, but maybe thats just me.

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Without question we got the most badass actress the silver screen has ever been graced with here and a stop traffic kind of a hottie.

Now I think I need another round of maste*- excuse me; “meditation”

Goodnight

-GBz





Underrated Hottie of the Week

7 03 2013

“Milks done that body good.” -Fat kid from Rookie of the Year

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Margaret McPoyle, a hottie? Is this common knowledge? I feel like I might be late to the table on this one given how long the show has been on the air, but I gotta say, when I saw these real life pics of that lip-licking, uni-browed, incestuous sweaty little mute we all know and love from ‘Always Sunny’ they slapped me in the face like a bag of dicks.

But judge for yourself:

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I doubt it, but if there is anyone out there not familiar with the McPoyle clan, I’ll throw in a quick run down. They are a very close knit group, too close, in fact, for anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line. This gang of inbred savages has been “keepin ‘er in the fam” for a few too many generations and the effects are starting to show through. Take the main three members for example; Liam, Ryan, and their deaf-mute sister Margaret- three siblings who usually appear together, sweaty and half naked, drink only lukewarm milk and openly engage in acts of coitus with one another.

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How that is transformed back into this:

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Is nothing short of a Hollywood miracle.

Margaret’s real name is Thesy Surface, and while there is still a tiny little part of me that is tempted to throw out the term butterface, once you strip her out of that soaking double XL tee, wax that brow and wipe her brothers jizz off her face, that bod alone is certainly enough to qualify her as an underrated hottie in my book.

Thats it.

-GBz





Arthur’s Crew

4 03 2013

Originally I drafted this one up the day after new years. As you can tell, my spirits were at an all time low. Since it’s officially march and spring is right around the river bend I figured ehhh, what the H, let’s bitch about a harmless childhood cartoon for a few minutes. So here it is, guys, the source of my beef with Arthur.

The winter might be dragging on longer than we all can handle, but luckily the mime is here to put it in perspective.

Think filing 401K plans at your administrative assistant job at a recycling plant this morning was rough? Feeling like your liver is going to fail at any moment you drank so much Cooks champagne two nights ago? Depressed because literally every single person besides you from your high school class got engaged last month? Even that dickhead Mitch? Well calm down lead singer of Bullet For My Valentine. Don’t slit your wrists yet. At least you’re  not Arthur.

Remember Arthur? If you don’t you should. Guy had it rough. At this point you’re thinking, J to the D, Arthur was a boss. His life ruled. I’d trade my life as a barback at Chili’s with a talking aardvark with glasses any day of the week. Think again partner. Let me break Arthur’s life down for you. And don’t you dare stop reading. This post has got some serious potential.

Arthur

Arthur

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He’s eight year old Aardvark who’s in third grade. His hobbies include playing the piano, reading and riding his bike. Dude rocks a yellow sweater and some big ass bi-focals every single day of his life. He does have a dog, but he named it Pal, so that’s kind of gay. Given the glasses and that he likes reading, we can assume he’s a huge nerd. I think those are Jordan V’s but I’m not sure. So he might be good at basketball, but I wouldn’t count on it.

As you can see, Arthur gets a pass. He’s the main character of a TV show so he’s kind of a big deal. And he’s a decent dude through and through. However the real problem lies in the friends he hangs with. They say judge a man by the company he keeps, well I say judge the shit out of an aardvark by the lame ass crew he rolls with.

D.W.

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Some of you might’ve read my article a while back about TV sisters and they’re bitch-tastic nature. Well I’m feeling pretty silly right now that I forgot to include DW. Chick was the worst. Over dramatic, self centered and very likely to throw a tantrum at any time. I’m no baseball umpire but that sounds to me like strikes one, two and three.

Buster

Buster

Buster is the one exception here. Dude was the tits. I’m honestly real surprised he rolled with Arthur at all. Guy had it all. Sick threads, big ol bunny ears I guarantee the ladies loved, a baller sense of humor, and he’s a stud on the softball field. If I remember right he was also a slacker in school. Cool kid no questions asked. Then again he was BFFs with Arthur so maybe he wasn’t that cool. Plus his folks got a divorce and you can bet your ass it was 100% ALL Buster’s fault.

Francine

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Francine was a stone cold biznatch. Plus she looked just like that lady ape that wants to plow Marky Mark in 2001’s Planet Of The Apes. Maybe because they’re both monkeys. Whatever. The point is Francine consistently dragged Arthur’s crew down. Always bossing them around, trying too hard to be one of the guys. We get it Francine, you’re a closet lesbo. Go munch on some box already and leave Arthur alone.

Muffy

Muffy

First off, killer name brah. You might be the richest monkey in Elwood City but don’t forget you’re named after pubes. Muffy was a total pain in the ass. Basically the Jackie from That 70’s Show of Arthur. Sure she’s hot, but she’s also impossible to spend 5 minutes with without contemplating suicide.

The Brain

The Brain

Brain is that one guy that everybody likes but deep down they actually hate because they’re jealous of him. Smart as hell, athletic as shit, humble, polite, celebrates fucking Kwanzaa and most certainly has a python for a dong. He’s almost too nice. Always helping people and listening to peoples problems. Hey Brain, quit the charade, brocif. We all know you’re a egomaniacal douche deep down.  Let loose.

Binky

Binky

Not sure exactly what type of animal Binky is, looks to be some sort of ogre. All I remember is he repeated the third grade. Sucker move right there. Sucks to have such a monstrous head and such a tiny brain. Clearly in Arthur’s crew for protection but it’s tough to be Arthur’s muscle when you’re busy being a queer playing the clarinet.

See what I mean folks? Brutal crew. If you ask me, Arthur’s gotta shed the dead weight and pick some cooler friends. Maybe some hotter chicks, a black dude or two and you’ve gotta have one Asian. For math help and what not.

Anybody read that entire post? Thanks. Feels good to know somebody’s still interested in a TV show we watched 18 years ago.

Alright, enough of that. My new years resolution is to not write stupid shit on the internet for christsake. Guess that lasted all of 28 hours.

– JD





Rooney Mara scares the shit out of me

12 02 2013

By Kleinz 57

Mime at the Movies Side Effects

Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara) is having a tough time. Her husband (Channing Tatum) just got outta the clink for insider trading. He’s also out of a job, making her the lone breadwinner, and to top it off, she’s showing some adorable signs of severe depression. Following a sudden accident, Emily starts seeing Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law) for therapy and a prescription or five. One of those blue and yellow purple pills is a new drug, Ablixa, which as the film’s title hints at, has a cute girl on its fake website. Suddenly, Emily can’t sleep and starts experiencing weird mood swings. Fearing she may dissolve into the horse-faced lunacy of Gary Busey, Dr. Banks consults Emily’s old therapist (Catherine Zeta-Jones). Nobody seems to have an answer, and the problems and pills keep piling on. It’s the American way, really.

A word to the wise: if you’re looking to actively ruin a pleasant evening, Side Effects is your ticket. It isn’t that it’s a poor film; just the opposite. Steven Soderbergh is on a Murder She Wrote level of crafting intrigue here, some of which is owed to leads Jude Law and Rooney Mara, the latter who channels this creepy zone of dead cow-eyed ambivalence. On more than one occasion, Mara has scenes that are wholly unsettling, oftentimes with nothing but her and that whacked-out face. Certainly Soderbergh himself has strong mastery of this fantastic cast, and that’s all the more upsetting since he’s apparently retiring after he finishes his Liberace TV movie, something television needs about as much as The Crossover with Michelle Beadle. Side Effects isn’t quite an indictment of the American pharmaceutical industry, but it is a glimpse into one possibility, just a really diabolical one.

And if I’m allowed a little self-fellating here, “diabolical” is an apt descriptor for the turns this takes. It’s also to blame for Side Effects’ few missteps. Catherine ZEETAH-Jones plays a particular moment much too “big,” and the manner in which Bourne scribe Scott Z. Burns resolves things feels a bit like gift-wrapping a severed horse head. But Soderbergh has constructed this at such an even-keeled pace that who really cares? Many a cinematic d-bag have already made some Hitchcock comparisons and, tempting penis puns aside, they’re not wrong. That cerebral tone especially rings true in a certain parking lot scene or during an… incident with a kitchen knife. The suspense gets some help from wunderkind Thomas Newman’s score and Soderbergh’s own luminescent photography that’s eerie instead of comforting (like what Wally Pfister did in scenes with Leo Di Caprio’s crazy Inception ghost wife).

I also can’t resist comparing a plot point to a certain scene in Wild Things involving, oh let’s say… Denise Richards’ boobs. I fear saying anything more would spoil a thrilling time at ye grande ole theatre, but considering some of the Mime readership’s interests (present company included), I may have already said too much.





Night of the Living Instagram

7 02 2013

By Kleinz 57

Warm Bodies

If you ever watched Easy A and thought ‘This is dece, but I wish Emma Stone was a fucking zombie,” you’re in luck. Director Jonathan Levine and LionsGate have teamed up to adapt Isaac Marion’s zombie love story Warm Bodies, dumping even more gasoline on the raging pyre that is America’s living dead obsession. (Also see: The Walking Dead, Dead Island, the Evil Dead remake, Invasion of the Not Quite Dead, I Walked With a Zombie, Zombie Hunter, Night of the Living Dead: Origins 3D, R.I.P.D., World War Z, and Silent Night of the Living Dead. I need a mint.)

During a supply raid in the apocalyptic butthole of the Western United States, Julie (Underrated Hottie candidate Teresa Palmer) and a small team of strapping young whippersnappers (including Analeigh Tipton and Dave Franco) are attacked by a pack of hungry zombies. Only something’s a bit off, because “R” (Nicholas Hoult) seems to be the rare walking corpse who can actually think for himself. From the get-go, Hoult’s first-person narration is a welcome dose of originality for the subgenre and an amusing means of endearing his character. Despite the introspection though, a zombie’s still gotta eat to grow up big and dead, and “R” devours the brains of Julie’s boyfriend, savoring every one of the dude’s memories and falling in love with Julie in the process — just like they taught you in sex ed.

What follows is a predictable but serviceable love story that adds more to the monotonous skullfuckery of zombie movies than contribute something fresh to romantic comedy. The jury’s still out on whether Hoult and Palmer have chemistry, but the pair work well in their respective roles: one as a genuine, impartial naif, the other, a dead hipster. In his slow return from undeath back to peach-faced humanity, Hoult’s comedic chops prove he can rise above the low-bar challenge of being more than a blasé X-Man in First Class. Should Jack the Giant Slayer not turn out to be a gigantic steaming box office bomb in March, he may even sidestep an eternal typecast as Great Britain’s answer to Michael Cera. (Note: JD McDouble-Wang is gonna have to pay me in chocolate coins to see that one).

With 50/50, Levine showed his knack for exploring complex relationships without crapping things up through melodrama. Warm Bodies doesn’t match that level of successbut it gets the job done, in part thanks to the helping hands of M83, Jimmy Cliff, and Feist. Levine too often backs away from letting his actors do the dramatic heavy lifting, retreating to his creative corner and tossing on Bob Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks like a coward. A talented coward. With solid taste in Bruce Springsteen.

As far as whatever the hell happened to kick off the zombie party in the first place, don’t expect clear answers, apart from knowing that zombies who stay dead too long shed their skin and become malicious “Lara Flynn Boyles of the zombie world.” John Malkovich makes a boring turn as Julie’s overbearing military dad, and Rob Corddry’s undead best pal seems like a wasted opportunity, but Levine seems to know that, smartly downplaying specifics and lackluster relationships in favor of the quirk and cuteness. Any sparse set pieces are hum-drum and dull, even when everything looks like it was shot with an Instagram filter, and Warm Bodies thinks it can have its brain cake and eat it, too. The cheery resolution isn’t completely earned, but hey, sunsets are pretty.





Underrated Hottie of the Week

5 02 2013

Katie Cassidy

Katie Cassidy

Maybe you guys can help me out with this one. Does anyone know who this chick is? Because I sure as hell didn’t until about two seconds ago. And I’ll tell you what, I feel like I’ve been living in darkness until I saw her picture for the first time. Allegory of the cave type of shit. Turns out my realities were just a bunch of shadows. My shits all upside down. All the chicks I thought were certified babes, aren’t that great any more. Not to mention, my tuggin material is all pretty much obsolete too.

Well if you’re like me, and have no clue who Katie Cassidy is, get ready for some knowledge. If you do know who she is, shut yer yapper and soak in hot chick greatness.

Katie is the daughter of teen idol David Cassidy. Didn’t really care too much about Davey Cassidy up to this point, but the news that he might’ve made the hottest daughter ever really spikes his stock in my book. She’s 26 and her and I, get this, HAVE THE SAME MOTHERFLIPPIN BIRTHDAY. So yeah, we’re basically soul mates. Alright, I’ll relax. Anyways she’s an actress, you might know her as Laurel Lance on the CW’s Arrow (probably not though if you’re straight and what not). She’s also been in CBS’s Harper Island, and a bunch of other shows on the CW. That explains why I don’t know her. Haven’t watched the CW since it was The WB and Smart Guy was my shiznit. Actually thought you had to be a 14 year old girl to watch the CW. I guess Katie has also been in a few movies, none of which I’ve seen – When A Stranger Calls, Nightmare on Elm Street, Monte Carlo, and a few more nobody cares about.

Decent career for a 26 year old. By that I mean not so decent. She must be an awful actress because sweet lord she is like the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. Assuming she started out in Hollywood at 18, how has she been so hot, but stayed so unknown in eight goddamn years? Especially considering her pops is David Cassidy? Dude was on the Partridge Family. That was before my time, but it seems like he has some pull to get his smoking hot daughter whatever TV and movie roles she wants. Guess not.

Well you’re out of your mind if you think I’m not tuning into the CW from this day forward. If Katie C is on there, then I’m on there too.

Here’s a couple more photos for you to enjoy.

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– JD