Lin-decent Exposure

You guessed it. Another internet write up on Jeremy Lin. These days you can’t lift up your sack to dry off your taint without seeing something about Jeremy Lin. Dude is the most popular Asian on the planet since Ghengis Khan and his Mongolian Barbeque empire.

But guess what? Like everyone else, I’m balls deep into the hype. Being a fantasy basketball guru, I snatched up that muh-phucka quicker than you can say Hyundai. So far, he’s turned out to be a bigger pick up than Joe Johnson’s F-650.

Here’s the deal, though. As always (ahem, Tim Tebow) the media latches on to every ‘feel good sensation’ sports story like Arby’s latched on to that whole ‘Good Mood Food’ ad campaign. Just beating it to death. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing J Lin highlights on Sportscenter. But we need to cool it with the damn wordplays, media. Christ. Shits getting out of hand real quick.

If you live under a rock and don’t know what I mean, here are a few I’ve seen in the last week:

Lin-sanity

Lin-vincible

Am-Asian [Amazing, get it?]

Lin-finite Possibilities

ThrilLINg!

Last Second Lin

Lin-derella Story

All He Does Is Lin

Lin-fallible

He’s got Lin-tangibles

“What did he just say?”..”Not sure, it was Lin-decipherable.”

I’M GOING CLINICALLY LIN-SANE

“Jeremy Lin just promised me some serious cash once he signs a big deal..” “Don’t believe him, he’s Lin-sincere.”

“I heard he has a Lin-satiable appetite for tranny hookers.”

“JEREMY LIN IS SO HOT! I WANT HIM LIN-SIDE ME NOW!”

Alright, maybe a few of those last ones were speculative. Pretty sure I’ve heard them somewhere. Whatever. I mean, it seems like everyone is onboard with the Lin Dynasty. That one been used yet? Dammit.

What’s that Floyd? Well almost everyone. Apparently my pal Floyd Mayweather has been h8ting via Twitter.

Anyways, all annoying word play headlines aside, here’s my real question. Dude is the first EVER Asian-American to play in the NBA. First. Ever. Only other Asian was good ol Yao Ming and I’m pretty sure he was a robot developed by the Chinese to take down Shaq that malfunctioned and broke down every season instead. According to my census knowledge there are like 8 billion Asian people on earth and at least a 40 million in the US. That’s an ass ton of Asians. HOW HASN’T THERE BEEN ANY OTHER ASIANS IN THE NBA?? I mean I went to a Milwaukee Bucks game last night and half the game was played by a bunch of European players. Somehow Ivanich Basketballslav is making his way into the league no problem but there are no Asians in sight.

Furthermore, last I checked Asians are some of the most agile people on the globe, what with all their kung-fu and tae kwondo and domo arigato mr. roboto stuff. If you can slice up an entire army of Mongolians with a samurai sword you should be able to knife through Allen Iverson’s lazy defense any day of the week.

In true TODM tradition, we present: A Collection of Asians That Should Be Dominating the NBA Right Now.

KOBAYASHI

Is that The Situation? Dudes definitely cut enough to bang with the big dogs down low.

JET LI

Anyone see this motherfucker in Cradle 2 The Grave? Singlehandedly took down every dude in the UFC with a midget.

KIM JONG-IL

He’s dead now, but I heard he was wet from beyond the arc back in his playin days.

MICHELLE KWAN

Definite WNBA material. Woulda been triple-lutzing mid-rangers from the elbow all day.

YO YO MA

Lull the opposing team to sleep with his boring ass cello solos.

CUNG LEE

One roundhouse to the dong and Paul Pierce would let Cung Lee in for the easy layup.

ICHIRO SUZUKI

No brainer here. Yeah, he’s been killin the MLB. I get that. But seriously, put down the bat and pick up the rock.

ALL 8 KATE PLUS 8 KIDS

Someone get these fuckers a basketball. Sounds like a powerhouse squad in the making. NBA domination? Maybe not but I bet they could pick up J Biebs and Nelly to form a dominant NBA All-Star Weekend Celebrity Team 17 years down the line.

Sha-zam, folks. If I were a betting man, I’d guess we’re about to see an entire continent of ballers piggybacking off J Lin’s success in the near future. Or not. Maybe they’ll just focus on technology and math algorithms and shit. I guess only time will tell.

-JD

After Further Review: The Sick, Sick Puppy Bowl

Every once in awhile (at least hourly) I’m reminded just how sick my mind really is. Whether it’s basking in the beauty of  a giant green dildo slapping dozens of grand pianos or being behind the trigger of the previously discussed Sandusky-approved super soaker, I’m unable to forego a chance to twist innocent entertainment into unspeakable smut. But still, everyone has their limits. I once considered only 3 things fully immune to innuendo: Bud Selig, Cousin Skeeter, and puppies. But a week ago today, my world was scandalously shattered as millions of ears were subjected to an earful of vile indecencies. No, I’m not referring to Madonna (though that comparison is airtight). I’m talking about the Puppy Bowl commentary. Oh, the open doors for such a preciously corruptible event. We’ve got potential from “likes it ruff” to “doggy style” to “apparently two toys are better than one.” Funny thing is that last one was actually said. And in the ten minutes I was watching things got much, much worse- or, if you’re as happily corrupted as me, better. I’ll just let YOU be the judge on whether it was my customary 4 bloodys and super (packed) bowl turning everything all urban dictionary or if this guy might know exactly what he’s doing: making me pop off laughter-induced shits as the play by play of what must’ve been a very interesting orgy was dubbed over adorable puppies. That’s some juicy juxtaposition if you ask me. Here are just a few of the golden showers that were sprinkled all over animal planet: (Edit: I found the clip for those who want to play along at home)

“These pups are putting on an offensive show”

“Aberdeen is loving his toys”

“Augusta is using her size”

“That’s a weird technique, but it works”

“Holly and Hunter are at it again”

“Make that another toy”

“Those two are really jawing at each other”

“No balls in the water bowl fluffy one”

“Aberdeen come on, you’re on national TV”

“Simultaneous scores!”

“Holly’s ready to play”

and, for best in show, “There is definitely a bone of contention between these two bow wows.”

I don’t even wanna know the context that could possibly imply, but I do know that it sure beats the hell out of Madden and all his pseudo-dick drawing artistry. So call me crazy, or call me sick. With any  luck I’ve boned the chances of innocently enjoying future puppy bowls for all nine of you. You’re welcome. I rest my case.

-5 Piece