After Further Review: The Sick, Sick Puppy Bowl

13 02 2012

Every once in awhile (at least hourly) I’m reminded just how sick my mind really is. Whether it’s basking in the beauty of  a giant green dildo slapping dozens of grand pianos or being behind the trigger of the previously discussed Sandusky-approved super soaker, I’m unable to forego a chance to twist innocent entertainment into unspeakable smut. But still, everyone has their limits. I once considered only 3 things fully immune to innuendo: Bud Selig, Cousin Skeeter, and puppies. But a week ago today, my world was scandalously shattered as millions of ears were subjected to an earful of vile indecencies. No, I’m not referring to Madonna (though that comparison is airtight). I’m talking about the Puppy Bowl commentary. Oh, the open doors for such a preciously corruptible event. We’ve got potential from “likes it ruff” to “doggy style” to “apparently two toys are better than one.” Funny thing is that last one was actually said. And in the ten minutes I was watching things got much, much worse- or, if you’re as happily corrupted as me, better. I’ll just let YOU be the judge on whether it was my customary 4 bloodys and super (packed) bowl turning everything all urban dictionary or if this guy might know exactly what he’s doing: making me pop off laughter-induced shits as the play by play of what must’ve been a very interesting orgy was dubbed over adorable puppies. That’s some juicy juxtaposition if you ask me. Here are just a few of the golden showers that were sprinkled all over animal planet: (Edit: I found the clip for those who want to play along at home)

“These pups are putting on an offensive show”

“Aberdeen is loving his toys”

“Augusta is using her size”

“That’s a weird technique, but it works”

“Holly and Hunter are at it again”

“Make that another toy”

“Those two are really jawing at each other”

“No balls in the water bowl fluffy one”

“Aberdeen come on, you’re on national TV”

“Simultaneous scores!”

“Holly’s ready to play”

and, for best in show, “There is definitely a bone of contention between these two bow wows.”

I don’t even wanna know the context that could possibly imply, but I do know that it sure beats the hell out of Madden and all his pseudo-dick drawing artistry. So call me crazy, or call me sick. With any  luck I’ve boned the chances of innocently enjoying future puppy bowls for all nine of you. You’re welcome. I rest my case.

-5 Piece

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