Underrated Hottie of The Week

12 03 2013

Before I begin, I know all of you out there are thinking; “Thank God” “Praise Allah” or cheersing another cup of that Kool-Aid to whatever name your cult leader goes by that GBz has given up on the religious themed rants for now. I get it, I hear ya- lets get back to something we can all agree on; sex, drugs, and rockin boobies. We got us another hottie here but damn, if I do say so myself, there ain’t nothing underrated about this one- fair warning.

gina1

This mean knuckler would be Gina Carano, daughter of the former jock strap holder for Roger Staubach- NFL wanna-be quarterback Glenn Carano, and let me warn you boys, just in case you ain’t yet heard the name; she would happily tie her right arm and left foot behind her back and still beat your ass like she was paid to do it. Not saying I didn’t get a little hard just typing that, but actually she has been paid to do it, multiple times. She carries with her an impressive 12-1-1 professional MMA record and, as I eagerly wait to show you, still has the face to prove it takes more than a little luck to lay a glove on this pretty Texas flower.

gina6

I dont know bout yall but I’d certainly flip the bill for a few days hospital stay for the chance to be put in a leg lock by this:

gina4

gina2

Excuse me while I go “meditate” on those images awhile.

…..
…..
…..

….Well, that sure didn’t take long.

Back to the hottie herself. Certainly with a million dollar smile like hers and an attitude to boot, Hollywood was going to come a-knockin at some point, and knock it did, hard. Landing the leading role in a Steven Soderbergh picture (Haywire, 2011) is no small feat for anyone in the business of show, much less someone who previously got kicked in the teeth for a living. But she sure did it and hasn’t looked back since.

Gents, just go check out the trailer for Fast and Furious 6, you’ll see Paul Walker is no longer the prettiest one in that cast.

gina5

Again, I’ll go ahead and assume that before this you fiends had already creeped all over my girl Gina, but even so, is anyone disappointed in taking a second look? I’ve certainly taken a third or forth, but maybe thats just me.

gina7

Without question we got the most badass actress the silver screen has ever been graced with here and a stop traffic kind of a hottie.

Now I think I need another round of maste*- excuse me; “meditation”

Goodnight

-GBz





What’s Your Deal, Rick Reilly?

20 01 2013

rick-reilly_original

What the FUCK happened to Rick Reilly? Seriously? What the FUG, people? Exactly when did he turn into such a douche? Was he always a douche? I’m real confused.

Let me break down my thoughts on this whole thing for you guys by starting at the beginning. Rickardo Paul Reilly was born on February 3, 1958 in Boulder, Colorado. I’ll skip all the boring shit and say that in 1997 he became the back page columnist for Sports Illustrated magazine. I was 9 in 1997 and from what I can remember, I could read then. Since my pops had an SI subscription I sharpened my reading skills with those magazines. One of my favorite things to read was the back page column, ‘Life of Reilly’. Dude had a killer column, or at least I thought so. Having it on the back page was fun too because you could wait until the end to read the best article of the magazine. I did read Steve Rushin occasionally but for some reason I liked Ricky Reilly’s shit better. Then in 2007 he left SI. I wasn’t really too broken up about it because I was on my way to college. Not really a big reading phase of ones life. Unless its spark-notes or the warning section on a N02 cannister I was about to huff, I wasn’t reading shit.

As most of us know, Rick signed on with ESPN and began writing a front page column on ESPN.com among other things including hosting Homecoming with Rick Reilly specials and contributing to Sportscenter and Monday Night Football broadcasts. Well I’m no doctor but if I was I’d guess at some point during his transformation from SI to ESPN he slipped and bashed his head, or maybe picked up a black tar heroin addiction that altered his personality because something changed. Dude went from the fun loving, hilarious back page columnist to egomaniacal, self-centered, super douche. And it wasn’t a slow transformation either, folks. Shit was quick as fuck. One minute I was itching to read his column, the next day I read it and wanted to punch him in the dick.

It seemed like his entire tone and writing style changed. I always used to think he was funny and seemed like a decent guy to hang out with, but suddenly all his articles were hypercritical, judgmental as fuck and written with a sort of “I’m better than you” feeling to them. From what I remember, during his time at SI he always was able to toe the line of writing emotional articles about tragedy with humor and class, but now all his sob stories come off as “I’m a good person for writing about this disabled kid and you’re a dick for not knowing about him and having legs that work”.

Then Rick started appearing on TV more and more frequently. And let me say, Ricky, buddy, you’re a writer. Stick to writing and get the fuck off my television screen. You’re on air presence sucks ass dude. Plain and simple. It’s like Bill Simmons. Brilliant writer, not so brilliant addition to NBA Countdown. Dudes voice is uber-gay. Granted, Rick Reilly doesn’t have a faggy voice, but he’s awkward as hell to watch. Plus he’s not an insider, he’s not a former player or coach, so he doesn’t really add much to the broadcast. Just kind of seems like he weaseled in there and wants to sound important.

Well all of this came to a climax earlier this NFL season when the cameras caught Ricky begging for a mention that he broke the Big Ben injury story first on twitter.

Basically the clip that we’ve all been waiting for. Everyone knew he was the one begging for on-air credit when the cameras weren’t rolling but nobody had hard evidence until, boom, Rick slipped up on national TV.

If you are wondering how he is on twitter, don’t wonder. He’s terrible. Don’t follow him. Dude makes such lame jokes it’s unreal. You can literally see the strain in his face as he tries to be funny in each one of his tweets.

Well I for one can’t quite figure it out. How did he go from everyone’s favorite back page columnist to one of the biggest tools at ESPN? If I had to guess, I’d assume his the ego buildup of having such a successful column for so many years finally caught up to him? But the more I think about it, I think he’s probably been a uber-douche the whole time. I was just too naive as a child to realize my favorite writer was a giant asshole. Turns out all those articles I chuckled at were written by an imposter. That book, Who’s Your Caddy, the one I listed as my favorite book one lame about me essay I wrote in 9th grade was merely the psycho-babble of a self centered cock smooch.

Suddenly this OW has taken a turn down the highway to sadville, USA. And that was not my intention. The point I wanted to make was this. Rick Reilly is and always will be a attention-starved ass. Let’s hope ESPN figures it out and cans his ass soon, or at least takes him off TV. I can chose to not read his articles, I can’t chose to accidentally hear his feeble attempt at a post-game breakdown of an NFL game I was just watching.

 

– JD





This Week In America’s Worst Jobs

3 01 2013

andy-reid-3

Sup Andy?

Listen, most of you are probably thinking I’m about to go off on how being the new coach of the Kansas City Chiefs is the worst job of all time. How I’m going to babble about how Andy’s entering a living nightmare in KC and that chances are after a couple abysmal seasons, he’ll probably acquire a heroin addiction like his son (way too soon?). Well relax Stratman n co, I’m not. Surprisingly, I actually think the Big Walrus can turn KC’s ship around. I’d rather have Andy as the captain of my ship than any of the other head coaches who were fired this season. Not trying to have Norvington Turner Overdrive and his crater skin lead my team to an awesome regular season and then get totally rocked the minute we step foot in the playoffs. At least Andy has proven he can win in the post season. Maybe not the big game, but he can win.

No, this weeks worst job is being an NFL coach on the hot seat. And what’s ridiculous is the night and day contrast regarding how good your life is between being a good coach and a bad one. When things are good, things are fucking GOOD. But when things are anything from bad to even just okay, things are fucking AWFUL. If you’re a great NFL coach of a perennial powerhouse team (see: Bill Belichick) things are all gravy. Money, bitches, winning, championships, fame, yachts, all on the reg. You name it you got it. But if you aren’t one of those coaches, life sucks. Job security is as low as you can possibly imagine. You could literally wake up one morning and you’re jobless. You didn’t even do anything. In fact often times, you did absolutely nothing. Didn’t tell Rhonda in HR she’s got a nice caboose at the company christmas party, didn’t steal TP for your apartment from the handicap stall, didn’t even fudge up some numbers on the Vincent account invoice. Just spent 180 hours a week pouring your heart and soul into coaching a 52 man roster of overly aggressive, under educated man-beasts in the most popular and violent sport in America.

And when I say coach on the hot seat, I mean anything from the hottest of seats, like picture a seat made of flaming lava, to a seat that’s just slightly above room temperature. Look at Tom Coughlin. The Giants won last year’s Super Bowl. Four games before the end of the season, a season, remember, in which they fucking won the Super Bowl, every person in NY wanted to slice TC’s sac off. They lost a couple games and had a slight chance to miss the playoffs. Let’s murder him and burn down his house! His seat might as well been made of a flaming hot cheetos factory after a gas explosion. On the other hand, Lovie Smith, who I’ve always said is a garbage coach, led the Bears to a 10-6 record this year. His seat was barely warm enough to heat up his buns. If Blair Walsh misses the field goal against GB last Sunday and the Packers win, he’s safe. Well Blair didn’t and dude’s ass was fired quicker than my buddy J Bone when he took a wiz in the slushie machine at Quik Trip.

But JD, that’s the risk they take when they decide to dedicate their life to being an NFL coach. True. I’ll give you that. You make a valid argument. But here’s my thing. It’s a league of 32 teams. 12 teams make the playoffs. That means 20 don’t.. Let’s say the 12 coaches who make the ‘offs are usually safe from getting axed. That means 20 coaches, or 62.5% of the NFL’s coaches are at risk of getting shit canned each fucking season. Yeah, I’m good at math and I’m not Asian. Big deal. The point is, coaches could be donezo just because of math. Every team can’t win. Even my mom knows that. But I’ll quit boring you with numbo crunches and various calculations and what not.

To make matters even worse, when a coach is on the hot seat he’s gotta answer even MORE questions from the media and fans. It’s like if you were a delivery man and you lost a couple packages, maybe rear ended an old lady with your company issued truck. Instead of hearing it from your boss and maybe a few wise-cracking coworkers, the entire planet is on your jock demanding answers. Why didn’t the Jackson family get the crock pot they ordered on Amazon? How come sweet old Mrs. Stevenson’s spine shattered in four places because you couldn’t open your bag of Chik-Fil-A on an exit ramp? On and on it goes. And instead of giving honest answers and telling everyone to fuck off, you have to maintain your composure and represent the integrity of a major sports franchise with every answer you give.

Bottom line is, I criticize a lot of NFL coaches for being douches. But when you step back and think about it, they’re all douches because unless they just won the ‘ship everyone on their teams fan base probably hates them and they could lose their job at any second. So fuck being an NFL coach. Sounds like hell on earth.

 

– JD





OW: Ray Lewis Retirement

2 01 2013

Ray-Lewis

Earlier today Ray Lewis aka Ray muder aka Ray Ray McTacklinbitches announced he’s going to retire after this season’s playoffs. Like most people, I’m terrified of Ray and automatically respect his decision. I haven’t crunched the numbers, but from what I remember he’s been in the league since 1972 so it seems like his retirement is well overdue. Now easy, Ray, not in the sense that you can’t compete any more, instead in the sense that I think you’ve pretty much dished out enough brain damage by now. As a big NFL fan, it’s kind of sad news. I mean, he’s pretty much the last of the mohicans in terms of old school linebackers still in the league. Gone are the days of Bill Romanowski literally ripping dudes heads off, and Ray was the king of that. Sure we’ve got beasts like Clay Matthews and Patrick Willis crushing skulls, but the NFL is amidst a new era where everybody is more concerned with concussion syndromes and less concerned with watching dudes get lit the fuck up on crossing routes.

Personally, I understand that things are the way they are in the NFL now. Can’t have a generation of brain dead NFL legends suing the shit out of the league in 20 years. But a little bit of me misses the days of “He got JACK’D UP!” and watching Ed McCaffrey unconscious on the 25 yard line for the sixth time in the same season. Ray Lewis was a nice weekly reminder of that era. And soon, he’ll be gone. Left to live only in our hearts…and the archive reels of NFL Films.

So the question becomes, what does a man beast like Ray Lewis do once his football playing days are over? Dudes 37 years old. And since he’s been feasting on the souls of countless NFL scrubs since the 90s, he’s still got a lot left in the tank I guarantee you that. The standard response would be, JD, he’ll probably be an analyst or announcer for ESPN or CBS. Every big name sports personality does it. He’s also a boss at giving pump up speeches so maybe he’ll be a motivational speaker? Could be, but if I know Ray like I think I do he won’t do either of those things. Motivational speeches only work if everyone doesn’t die of fear after the speech is over and pretty sure if Ray spoke to the annual Des Moines Insurance conference he’d cause the deaths at least four fat insurance agents mid-speech.

So in usual mime fashion, we’re going to suggest a few post-NFL career paths for our pal Ray. Feel free to thumb through these, Ray, and maybe even chose two! The world is your oyster homes.

 

1. Street Justice Coordinator

Street_Justice_S1

Simple idea here. Someone robs you? Maybe your boss is a total dick? Maybe a couple dudes stole your car? Don’t bother calling 911, cops are a bunch of pussies. Instead, call up the street justice coordinator. He’ll make things right.

2. Office Linebacker

office linebacker

Terry Tate’s been out of the game for too long. Offices all across the country are in disarray. Bitches stealing food from the fridge that’s not theirs, dudes jamming the copy machine and sleeking back to their desk without fixing it. Get Ray on an office linebacker tour and he’ll straighten out America’s workplaces in no time. Fiscal cliff my ass.

3. Hippo Wrangler

Hippo

All I hear about is how Hippos are the most dangerous animal in Africa. Everyone thinks they’re all hungry hungry and cute but in reality they’re chomping up little African kids left and right. Admittedly I don’t know the official statistics but from what I gather millions of African children go to fill their water jugs at the local pond and turn into hippo lunch. Forget AIDS, we’ve got a global Hippo crisis. Well not if Ray is the resident Hippo wrangler. Hippo gonna to think twice about eating villagers if Ray Lewis is lake-side ready to beat some ass.

4. Broadway Actor

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I’ve never been to a musical but you can bet your white ass I’d be there in a New York minute if Ray was the lead in West Side Story.

5. Bar Douche Puncher

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5Piece touched on it last summer, but I think it’s common knowledge that Americas bars are filled with douches. A lot of these douches are actually pretty cut up dudes. Sure, they’re basically all glory muscles and they couldn’t do anything in an actual fight, but for regular dudes like myself punching them is a risky option. And make no mistake, they all deserve a swift upper cut to the meat hole. Picture Ray on a bar tour, have him shake a few hands, sign a few autographs, punch a few douches, make $4,000 an appearance. Not too shabby an option.

6. Nickleback’s personal bodyguard

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Everyone loves to hate Nickleback. We’ve been over it a million times. I bet half the population wants to murder them too. That means Chad n co. are basically walking into threat level orange scenarios everywhere they go. So far, we’ve been lucky and they haven’t been shanked. But it’s only a matter of time folks. At some point Nickle-B’s current bodyguards aren’t going to make the cut. That’s where Ray comes in.

7. Dudes Break-Up Therapist

Break_up

Guys have been taking break ups real hard since the time of the Dinosaurs. That’s just a scientific fact. I blame a serious lack of effective break up therapists in our society. Nobody there to growl in your face and get you amped to bang some randos. Who better to fill that void? Get Ray in there, ditch the fish in the sea talk and go straight to the unadulterated rage in your face and you’ll forget all about Susie in no time.

8. Florida Cop

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I was hesitant to suggest this one given Shaq Diesel tried it and from what I know, hasn’t had much success. But then I remembered that’s Shaq and this is Ray. Both giant black men, but Shaq is a gentle giant. Ray doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. Plus, Florida is in fucking ruins these days. Every second I turn around I hear about how shitty that state is. They need proper law enforcement from the enforcer of all enforcers.

 

That ought to get you started on your job search, Mr. Lewis. Don’t forget to fine tune the shit out of your resume. Employers really look at those things closely these days. It’s a cutthroat world we live in, but I’ve got faith you’ll make it in post-NFL life juuuust fine.

– JD





How Does Yesterday Stack Up Against The Best Sports Days of The Year?

17 12 2012

Happy_NFL_Football_Day

If you’re a normal, oxygen-breathing, calzone eating, youporn visiting, red blooded American man you probably spent the majority of yesterday on the couch glued to the TV watching NFL game after NFL game after NFL game. I know I did. After the unimaginable tragedy on Friday making it seem like nothing is right in this world, a Sunday packed with football, beer and wheat thins was just what the doctor ordered. And what a day of football it was. Overtime thrillers, division rival defensive showdowns, comeback stories, I felt like I was in the middle of a NFL Films footage cutting session all day. By the end of the Patriots – 49ers game I have to assume ESPN breathed a massive sign of relief. Just exhaling like their AIDS test came back negative. Because sweet lord were they hyping up yesterday’s menu of piping hot NFL match ups like it was the greatest sports day to hit our nation ever. That’s all I heard Friday and Saturday on Sports Center. Herm Edwards screaming meaningless stuff about determination, Chris Mortensen reporting on field conditions at like six different stadiums, Rachel Nichols getting less hot and more annoying.

Luckily for them, the slate of awesome games basically lived up to the hype. Just when the Sunday Night game looked to be a total blowout and waste of three hours, Tom Brady and his Uggs roared back to life and made it a game. It was beautiful.

So it got me thinking, how does a great Sunday of NFL games stack up against every other day of the year in terms of sports awesomeness? I’d argue that it can give any of the classic great sports days a run for their money. Think about it. Usually the great NFL sundays are during late fall or winter. That means the weather probably sucks out. Unless you’re six years old and into building snowmen and skipping through freshly fallen powder, you probably want to stay inside all day. What better excuse than to watch 12 hours of football? It’s also a time of year where malls and stores are goddamn nightmares to go to. So what better way to say fuck you retail, I’m doing my shopping online this year motherfucker than a day where you vow to never leave the couch?

Here are the sporting days I think can compete with yesterday’s football-fest. The rest, simply cannot.

1. Opening day of March Madness

2. 24 hours of college basketball tip off

3. Christmas day NBA games

4. The Super Bowl

5. New Years Day college football

6. Sunday of the Masters

7. One of those random middle days of the Summer Olympics

 

That’s pretty much it though. Why is Thanksgiving Day football not on the list, JD? Ahh, maybe because the Lions and the Cowboys always play. They usually suck, so the games usually do too. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Thanksgiving football but it doesn’t stack up in comparison to the rest. The Olympics barely made the cut because, let’s be honest, it’s usually track and field and diving and gymnastics. Not the most exciting stuff. But I will say watching Jamaica sweep the 100 meter and then watching Mikey Phelps crush China’s ass in swimming on the same night was pretty enjoyable. I still stick by my number one – theopening day of March Madness. Sure, you could make an argument for a day later in the tournament, say during the Sweet 16, has better games, but I still think that first day is the best. Everyone’s all pumped, thinking their bracket is the best, usually there are couple upsets in the mix, there’s like 20 games being played at once, it’s pure sports magic.

Congrats to Rog Goodell for throwing together a baller week 15 NFL schedule. If yesterday was any indication, we should be in for a hell of a postseason in January.

GO PACK GO

– JD





Some Advice for Kevin “Why Aren’t We NBA Champions Yet?” Love

13 12 2012

Kevin Love

Since we’re a blog chock full o Timberwolves fans it feels necessary to toss some brotherly advice to the Wolves’ messiah/biggest critic, Kevin Love. Since coming to Minnesota in 2008, following a draft day trade that sent OJ Mayo to Memphis, K Love has cemented his status as the Wolves best player. Despite the Wolves largely sucking wang and missing the playoffs in all four seasons Kevin has been around, dudes been a statistical beast. He’s averaged a double-double in three of the four seasons, led the NBA in rebounding the last two seasons, set numerous T Wolves team scoring records, he even had a goddamn 31 and 31 game. It’s safe to say, had the Wolves not been consistent under-performers in the last two seasons, he’d certainly have had more legitimacy in the NBA MVP conversation.

Enough about K Love’s in-game domination. Everyone knows he’s a beast child by now. Also dudes about the most un-toned dude on the court too, yet he pushes people around like rag dolls in the paint. Just hitting the glass like a gorilla on bath salts. I don’t get it, I guess he’s just got that man strength. As we know, the issues with Kevin Love have pretty much been entirely off court. Aside from a few suspensions for unsportsmanlike conduct such as the time he curb stomped Luis Scola’s face, he’s always been a fair and respectable competitor.

And I’m not talking about off court problems like disappearing to a trap house in East St. Paul mainlining ketamine for weeks or screaming anti-semetic remarks at a temple in St. Louis Park. I’m talking about Kevin Love always having a hard time not running his mouth about stuff he shouldn’t be talking about. More times than not, the central point of his remarks revolve around his displeasure with the front office and the Wolves lack of success. In fact, just yesterday Kevo was at it again, wondering out-loud if David Kahn actually has a “plan”, among other things. Before we dive into that, I’d like to remind you of his past media slip ups – 2009’s “accidental” tweet that McHale was fired, 2012’s displeasure with the Timberwolves’ failure to make the playoffs and let’s not forget this past summer’s impatient rant.

Now most NBA fans would say, jeez JD relax, Kevin Love is a media cherub angel compared to just about every other egomaniacal pro athlete who can’t shut his yapper. That may be true, but the point I’m trying to make here isn’t that Kevin Love is a crazy attention hungry Terrell Owens Jr. The point I’m trying to make is the guy has made it very clear that he’s unhappy with his situation in Minnesota, and to most outsiders looking in, that discontent is totally unwarranted.

Let’s review Kevin’s last four years. He was drafted by Memphis in 2008 and traded to the Timberwolves within hours. He signed a phat rookie contract and spent his rookie season building his skills, eventually developing into one of the top rookies in the league. Following the 2009-2010 season the Wolves got rid of Al Jefferson, making it clear K Love was their franchise big man. The 2010-2011 season was Kevo’s breakout season where he established himself as one of the elite players in the league, even winning the leagues Most Improved Player. In January of 2012, he signed a big ol $65 million, four year contract extension, the Wolves were in the playoff hunt until Ricky Rubio blew out his knee in early March. The T-Wolves still finished 26-40, their best record since 07. As of December 13, 2012, the Wolves are 10-9, have won two in a row, and Ricky is slated to be back on the hardwood within a week.

Call me crazy but it looks to me as though during Kevin Love’s first four seasons, there has been steady improvement year by year. Not only is his individual game improving, but the Timberwolves are also getting more and more competitive as a team. For all the nerds out there, what I mean is if I had a flow chart or some excel spreadsheet you’d see a line going up and to the right. Yet for some reason, Kevin can’t keep from bitching about a lack of long-term “plan” and reminding everyone how impatient he is.

Here’s the deal. Kev-bone, first and foremost you need to keep in mind that you play for the Minnesota Timberwolves. I’ll say that again, the Minnesota fucking Timberwolves. Not the Lakers, not the Spurs, not the Celtics. Don’t need to be an NBA history buff to know that in the 23 glorious years of existence, the Wolves have essentially achieved jack squat. You also should understand that since 2004, and KG’s departure in 07, the Wolves have been bottom feeders of the league. That’s why they were able to get you…and Ricky. Because they suck. However, since you showed up, things have actually been getting better. Records have improved, more pieces to the puzzle have shown up and most Minnesotans feel that this season is the season for the Wolves to finally make it back to the playoffs. Christ, you guys are 10-9 with JJ Barrea and Luke Ridnour splitting time at point guard! That’s currently 7th in the Western Conference! Davey Kahn spent all off season assembling a team that can actually compete for once. Sure, the roster’s a little thin on black guys, but who gives a shit? We’ve finally got some talent!

The bottom line is Kevin, buddy, you’re 24. That’s young as shit. Look at how many years of his career KG spent in mediocrity with the Wolves. Did he complain once? Not that I remember. You’ve been in Minnesota four years and you’ve been bitching since you got here. I’d understand the impatience if you were a member of a perennial contender. But you’re fucking not! A wise man once said patience is divine, so sack up and be patient. That wise man was pretty damn wise. So heed his advice and chill the fuck out. Clearly there’s a master plan. Why the fuck do you think a few years back the entire front office was gutted and replaced? Glen Taylor and Kevin McHale are gone. You should be sprinting naked through the streets screaming for joy because of that. With Ricky back, Shved getting better, Pek staying healthy, Andrei doing his dragon tatted thing and you down low, we can contend with anybody, bro!

So, please, pull an Aaron Rodgers and stay off Twitter during the season, quit bitching about not being in the NBA Finals this very second and continue improving your game. You’ll get there brah. Also promise me you’ll cool it on the knuckle pushups. Not trying to see you shatter your wrist doing downward facing dog in a Bikram Yoga session.

 

– JD

PS – If in like three years the Wolves still haven’t done shit, then I don’t blame you one bit for being pissed. Run for the hills and by hills I mean a big market team.





OW: A Better List of Terrible Things That Must End In 2013

12 12 2012

stop_figure

As I’m killing the first half hour of the day this morning running through my usual rolodex of websites, I noticed a little list on Gawker called ’22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013′. Seemed like a clever idea for an article, so I read it. Well surprise, surprise, the list sucked.  Shocking since apparently it was written by some guy named Cord Jefferson. Sweet name bruh. Chances are you suck when your name is something you can buy at Home Depot. Whatever, I’m not going to sit here and bash this dude’s name, what’s more important is his half assed list of “terrible” things that need to end in 2013. For starters, about half the stuff on the list isn’t even that bad. For example, he includes Dubstep, parody twitter accounts and talking about bacon. Ummm holmes, those are three pretty sweet things right there. Let’s take it easy on dubstep, and Skrillex in particular, dude just broke up with Ellie Goulding, he’s an emotional mess. Parody twitter accounts are freaking hilarious, take the recently created modern day Seinfeld one for example, and talking about bacon will never get old. Ever.

Here’s the deal, if you’re going to create a list of terrible shit that needs to end, you’ve got to include some actually terrible stuff that needs to end. Seems like a no brainer, but I guess when you’re named after an orange electric rope I use to plug in my christmas lights you might miss something big like that. And I’ll admit, Cordless Drill Jefferson had a few good ones in there. I wholeheartedly agree with exterminating toe shoes and the word swag from the face of the earth. But you’ve got to stay consistent, Corduroy Bear.

So to make things right in the internet universe, once again the Mime is here to save the day. What the fine folks at Gawker could not accomplish, the league of extraordinary gentlemen at TODM sure has hell can. So here’s a better list of terrible things that need to end in 2013. Read it and weep, planet earth.

1. The World

Environment__POST_APOCALYPSE_by_I_NetGraFX

Let’s get this one out of the way first. I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all fucked. Those crafty Mayans and their calendars and pyramids and sun gods better be goddamn right about the apocalypse. Either send Bruce Willis up there to blow up the asteroid before it smashes us all to pieces or just end this shit. Preferably with zombies. I really want to cap some zoms.

2. Dr. Pepper Commercials

Dr Pepper

We get it already. There’s 23 fuggin flavors in each can of Dr. Pepper. You’re not fooling anyone with this whole I’m one of a kind bullshit campaign. No, you’re not one of a kind. You work at Jiffy Lube. You just chugged a Dr. Pepper because it was the only thing left in the vending machine, not because it helps express your individuality. Never thought I’d say this, but go back to those Pauly Sr. commercials. I want to see his handlebar mustache murder a kid over soda.

3. Mice

gay-mice

Does anyone like mice? I mean besides owls and foxes because they eat them. They basically just scurry around and get into mischief and nibble through furniture. Not trying to waste my money on a bunch of mouse traps so I can murder them and throw them in the trash. Instead let’s gather hands around the world and wipe these squeaky bastards off the face of the earth.

4. The New Normal

new-normal

Ahh fuck, we’re NBC and we just realized Modern Family is all successful and shit because it embraces the new type of family complete with divorces and step kids and gay dudes. Hey here’s an idea, let’s copy the fuck out of it and emphasize the gay thing and the bitchy queen bee mom. Yeah! People will love it! Hell of a show. Oh wait. Not at all. Here’s the truth NBC, I see a 30 second spot for this show and next thing I know I’m on google typing in ‘how to buy a bucket of poison’.

5. Hummus

hummus

Has anyone ever sat back and actually tasted hummus? Tastes like flavorless oatmeal with sand in it. I’m convinced the only reason why chicks like it so much is they can dip delicious tasting crackers in it because it has very low trans fats. Newsflash ladies, the crackers taste good enough to overpower the ass taste of hummus. Arabs should stick to jihad and death to infidels and give up the hummus game.

6. Sideline Reporters

Andrea Kraemer

Deadspin had a great article on this a while back. They literally serve no purpose. None. The only exception is the hot ones, and even they’re numbers are dwindling. EA is an in-studio host on Fox now, Alex Flanagan is real hit or miss and Sam Steele is like the only one holding it down on ESPN any more. Hey guys, I asked the coach what they had to do differently to get back in this game, he said they have to limit turnovers and be more effective on offense, back to you!  Even worse is when they do the multi screen to interview an injured athlete on the sidelines. Yo Michele Tafoya, trying to watch this big 3rd and 8, not hear about James Harrison’s pre-game meal rituals.

7. $5.00 credit card minimums

5-Minimum-Charge-on-Credit-Card-Purchases

Here’s the deal Sandra at Citgo, I’m just trying to buy this diet coke so I won’t fall asleep in this conference call I’m about to go into and all I have on me is plastic. Not trying to throw two snickers and a pack of Parliaments in there to reach the minimum, it’s goddamn 7AM. Just take my damn business and then you can go back to talking on the phone about last nights episode of TMZ.

8. Christmas Shoes

christmas shoes

First of all, Patton Oswalt said it best. I can’t compete with that. Seriously though, it’s been like 12 years, I’m fairly certain nobody likes this song anymore. At first it was all, oh the little boy is buying shoes for his dead mom, its so touching! Now it’s like, holy christ this song sucks. We get it, the dude wasn’t in the Christmas mood so god sent the little boy to remind him what christmas was all about. Who deliberately puts this song on during the holidays anyways?? Fuck that Nat King Cole album, let’s toss Christmas Shoes on repeat, that way we’ll really get in the holiday spirit. 

9. Women Wearing These Hats

fidelhatblack

Last I checked, that style hat doesn’t even look good on my great uncle and he’s a goddamn Vietnam Vet. Ladies, plain and simple this type of hat looks flat out stupid. Like I’ve never seen a girl wearing one and been like, wow! That military style hat really makes her sexy. I like how I can’t see her eyes and I’m wondering at this point if she’s in ROTC. Hot. Standard baseball caps are cool, in fact some girls look really sexy in those. Military caps however, not so much.

10. Bob Costas on SNF

costas-johnson-sanctimony

He’s a broadcasting legend, I get it. Cool. Whenever the Olympics come around, get Bob on TV. I’m fine with that. Just please get rid of his pointless, smug halftime speech segment during Sunday Night Football. Adding Hines Ward to the mix hasn’t helped much either. Sweet Bob, you’re pissed about the Saints Bounty sanctions. Nobody cares. Go back to Coach Dungy and the gang in studio for ten minutes and let’s get back to football. No need for Bobby C’s infinite douchey-ness clogging up my TV.

11. 26.2 and 13.1 Bumperstickers

26.2btrtsmalloval

 

I’m not even going to hate on marathon runners for this one. If you want to pay money to run so far you nearly kill yourself, get a shiny medal then brag about it to all your pals then go for it. But cut it out with the bumperstickers. I have a basic understanding of marathons. A marathon is 26.2 miles. A half marathon then is 13.1 miles. Don’t need to be Asian to crunch those numbers. So unless that 26.2 stands for number of hoagies you ate last night, nobody gives a shit.

12. Gotye

gotye-gq_jpg_630x362_q85

 

If anyone on planet earth still likes this guy they should be thrown in a volcano. You’re song blows dude. Ease up on the xylophone and please, please, please don’t make any new music. I’m begging you.

13. Skinny Ties

bowie-skinny-tie

 

I’m still cool with skinny jeans. I don’t rock them myself, but I appreciate a good pair. It says I’m cool but at the same time I’m not at all. I like that. Skinny ties on the other hand need to go. Sweet dude you have a black fettuccini noodle hanging from your neck. How bout grow a pair and get a bugs bunny tie like the rest of us normal people.

14. Hacky Sacks

hacky-711901

 

Nothing against hack’n it up every now and then, just thinking hacky sacks have probably run their course by now. Hey wanna kick around this knit sack of pebbles with me? Nah, I’d rather do pretty much anything else. Alright cool.

15. Panini Makers

Panini Maker

 

I know like 7 people who’ve received a panini maker as a gift in the last few years and I’ve literally never seen any of them use it. Just kind of take up space. In reality, they’re kind of lame. Plus, not trying to take biz away from the panini maker people but check it guys – George Foreman grills work the exact same way.

 

I think 15 is a nice solid sounding number to end on. So take that, Cord. Now let’s hope that if the world doesn’t end in like 9 days, at least maybe a few of those 15 things will. Chances are slim, but I can dream can’t I?

 

– JD