Originally I drafted this one up the day after new years. As you can tell, my spirits were at an all time low. Since it’s officially march and spring is right around the river bend I figured ehhh, what the H, let’s bitch about a harmless childhood cartoon for a few minutes. So here it is, guys, the source of my beef with Arthur.
The winter might be dragging on longer than we all can handle, but luckily the mime is here to put it in perspective.
Think filing 401K plans at your administrative assistant job at a recycling plant this morning was rough? Feeling like your liver is going to fail at any moment you drank so much Cooks champagne two nights ago? Depressed because literally every single person besides you from your high school class got engaged last month? Even that dickhead Mitch? Well calm down lead singer of Bullet For My Valentine. Don’t slit your wrists yet. At least you’re not Arthur.
Remember Arthur? If you don’t you should. Guy had it rough. At this point you’re thinking, J to the D, Arthur was a boss. His life ruled. I’d trade my life as a barback at Chili’s with a talking aardvark with glasses any day of the week. Think again partner. Let me break Arthur’s life down for you. And don’t you dare stop reading. This post has got some serious potential.
He’s eight year old Aardvark who’s in third grade. His hobbies include playing the piano, reading and riding his bike. Dude rocks a yellow sweater and some big ass bi-focals every single day of his life. He does have a dog, but he named it Pal, so that’s kind of gay. Given the glasses and that he likes reading, we can assume he’s a huge nerd. I think those are Jordan V’s but I’m not sure. So he might be good at basketball, but I wouldn’t count on it.
As you can see, Arthur gets a pass. He’s the main character of a TV show so he’s kind of a big deal. And he’s a decent dude through and through. However the real problem lies in the friends he hangs with. They say judge a man by the company he keeps, well I say judge the shit out of an aardvark by the lame ass crew he rolls with.
Some of you might’ve read my article a while back about TV sisters and they’re bitch-tastic nature. Well I’m feeling pretty silly right now that I forgot to include DW. Chick was the worst. Over dramatic, self centered and very likely to throw a tantrum at any time. I’m no baseball umpire but that sounds to me like strikes one, two and three.
Buster is the one exception here. Dude was the tits. I’m honestly real surprised he rolled with Arthur at all. Guy had it all. Sick threads, big ol bunny ears I guarantee the ladies loved, a baller sense of humor, and he’s a stud on the softball field. If I remember right he was also a slacker in school. Cool kid no questions asked. Then again he was BFFs with Arthur so maybe he wasn’t that cool. Plus his folks got a divorce and you can bet your ass it was 100% ALL Buster’s fault.
Francine was a stone cold biznatch. Plus she looked just like that lady ape that wants to plow Marky Mark in 2001’s Planet Of The Apes. Maybe because they’re both monkeys. Whatever. The point is Francine consistently dragged Arthur’s crew down. Always bossing them around, trying too hard to be one of the guys. We get it Francine, you’re a closet lesbo. Go munch on some box already and leave Arthur alone.
First off, killer name brah. You might be the richest monkey in Elwood City but don’t forget you’re named after pubes. Muffy was a total pain in the ass. Basically the Jackie from That 70’s Show of Arthur. Sure she’s hot, but she’s also impossible to spend 5 minutes with without contemplating suicide.
Brain is that one guy that everybody likes but deep down they actually hate because they’re jealous of him. Smart as hell, athletic as shit, humble, polite, celebrates fucking Kwanzaa and most certainly has a python for a dong. He’s almost too nice. Always helping people and listening to peoples problems. Hey Brain, quit the charade, brocif. We all know you’re a egomaniacal douche deep down. Let loose.
Not sure exactly what type of animal Binky is, looks to be some sort of ogre. All I remember is he repeated the third grade. Sucker move right there. Sucks to have such a monstrous head and such a tiny brain. Clearly in Arthur’s crew for protection but it’s tough to be Arthur’s muscle when you’re busy being a queer playing the clarinet.
See what I mean folks? Brutal crew. If you ask me, Arthur’s gotta shed the dead weight and pick some cooler friends. Maybe some hotter chicks, a black dude or two and you’ve gotta have one Asian. For math help and what not.
Anybody read that entire post? Thanks. Feels good to know somebody’s still interested in a TV show we watched 18 years ago.
Alright, enough of that. My new years resolution is to not write stupid shit on the internet for christsake. Guess that lasted all of 28 hours.