Underrated Hottie of The Week

12 03 2013

Before I begin, I know all of you out there are thinking; “Thank God” “Praise Allah” or cheersing another cup of that Kool-Aid to whatever name your cult leader goes by that GBz has given up on the religious themed rants for now. I get it, I hear ya- lets get back to something we can all agree on; sex, drugs, and rockin boobies. We got us another hottie here but damn, if I do say so myself, there ain’t nothing underrated about this one- fair warning.


This mean knuckler would be Gina Carano, daughter of the former jock strap holder for Roger Staubach- NFL wanna-be quarterback Glenn Carano, and let me warn you boys, just in case you ain’t yet heard the name; she would happily tie her right arm and left foot behind her back and still beat your ass like she was paid to do it. Not saying I didn’t get a little hard just typing that, but actually she has been paid to do it, multiple times. She carries with her an impressive 12-1-1 professional MMA record and, as I eagerly wait to show you, still has the face to prove it takes more than a little luck to lay a glove on this pretty Texas flower.


I dont know bout yall but I’d certainly flip the bill for a few days hospital stay for the chance to be put in a leg lock by this:



Excuse me while I go “meditate” on those images awhile.


….Well, that sure didn’t take long.

Back to the hottie herself. Certainly with a million dollar smile like hers and an attitude to boot, Hollywood was going to come a-knockin at some point, and knock it did, hard. Landing the leading role in a Steven Soderbergh picture (Haywire, 2011) is no small feat for anyone in the business of show, much less someone who previously got kicked in the teeth for a living. But she sure did it and hasn’t looked back since.

Gents, just go check out the trailer for Fast and Furious 6, you’ll see Paul Walker is no longer the prettiest one in that cast.


Again, I’ll go ahead and assume that before this you fiends had already creeped all over my girl Gina, but even so, is anyone disappointed in taking a second look? I’ve certainly taken a third or forth, but maybe thats just me.


Without question we got the most badass actress the silver screen has ever been graced with here and a stop traffic kind of a hottie.

Now I think I need another round of maste*- excuse me; “meditation”




WTF Red Tide? Leave Dem Manatees Alone.

12 03 2013


First of all, not sure if you cats know this or not but manatees are the best. Straight up, they’re the coolest creatures on earf. Pretty sure god was all, “damn, I almost forgot to make the coolest animal, that was silly of me! Boom, here ya go world, I give you the manatee” right before he rested on the seventh day. They’re gentle giants, they munch on lettuce all day and kick it in the warm tropical waters AND they’re fuzzy as hell. I’d pay at least 1 trillion yen to be BFFs with a manatee.

So when I heard the news that some crazy algae bloom of the coast of florida is killing my favorite water dwelling mammal by the truckloads, I was pretty pissed. If you don’t follow the latest marine biology news, check out the story here and get a clue, dude. Marine bio is where all the action is at.

Back to the matter at hand. What gives, algae? What’d the manatees ever do to you besides slowly float alongside you in HARMONY? Maybe refrain from eating you because they’re into other foods? Maybe invite you to their sea party on occasion because they felt bad nobody likes you? Nothing, that’s what.  Sounds like a pretty selfish move, dog.

If you want to get all scientific, here’s what’s actually happening. Apparently, these algae blooms, which are NOT caused by pollution, happen every year and usually only last a week. This year, they’re lingering around like my sorta-buddy ralph on Sunday morning when he should probably just get the eff out and let me masturbate, but he doesn’t. They live in the sea grass and turn the water a brownish red, hence the name red tide. The manatees eat this sea grass, filled with toxins, and then they die.

Tough story to read, I know. Take a couple minutes to grab a kleenex or two, I’ll wait to finish. There ya go…cry it out. Alright. We good?

Now, my sources are telling me 174 manatees have died so far. Sounds to me like a full out epidemic yo. Plus last time I checked, manatees are on the endangered species list. I don’t know the official numbers, since I lost my copy of the 2010 manatee census last week, but I’d guess there are about 300 manatees in the world. Carry the four…That means we have like 176 manatees left, people! Shit. Not good.

I’m not sure how to combat this red tide, but here’s what I’m thinking. Let’s get a boat and sail down to Florida and start saving manatees. If they all die off, who’s gonna chill in the water anymore? Sharks? Fish? They both suck. Stay tuned for the official mime save the manatees donation drop box. Don’t worry, it’s legit. We’re totally not gonna use your donations to buy Skittles mega packs at Sam’s Club.

– JD

Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.


Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.


YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.


Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent

Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:


This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.


Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,

Underrated Hottie of the Week

7 03 2013

“Milks done that body good.” -Fat kid from Rookie of the Year


Margaret McPoyle, a hottie? Is this common knowledge? I feel like I might be late to the table on this one given how long the show has been on the air, but I gotta say, when I saw these real life pics of that lip-licking, uni-browed, incestuous sweaty little mute we all know and love from ‘Always Sunny’ they slapped me in the face like a bag of dicks.

But judge for yourself:



I doubt it, but if there is anyone out there not familiar with the McPoyle clan, I’ll throw in a quick run down. They are a very close knit group, too close, in fact, for anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line. This gang of inbred savages has been “keepin ‘er in the fam” for a few too many generations and the effects are starting to show through. Take the main three members for example; Liam, Ryan, and their deaf-mute sister Margaret- three siblings who usually appear together, sweaty and half naked, drink only lukewarm milk and openly engage in acts of coitus with one another.


How that is transformed back into this:


Is nothing short of a Hollywood miracle.

Margaret’s real name is Thesy Surface, and while there is still a tiny little part of me that is tempted to throw out the term butterface, once you strip her out of that soaking double XL tee, wax that brow and wipe her brothers jizz off her face, that bod alone is certainly enough to qualify her as an underrated hottie in my book.

Thats it.


Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

5 03 2013

Yea I’m gona throw a little Mother Goose ass nursery rhyme at ya in my, I’m sure long-awaited by now, first post to the mime; but it is not without context. Recently I swallowed what was left of my pride (which was barely more than what was left in my bank account) and moved back in with my parents. Now, you over achievers out there who snatched up that college diploma, tossed that cap in the air and fell right into that financially supportive dream job, might not be familiar with what I’m talking about here, but feel free to take notes; you know, just in case that cubicle wall view starts to get a little stale after a while.

For those who [over] enjoyed the freedoms that come with the seemingly nation wide social acceptance of college age kids being complete messes day in and day out, there are a few things that change once put back under parental lock and key. A semi-intelligent person may try to argue the fact that college grads are now grown ass adults and can make their own choices, but Bubba, any parent worth their salt never gets sick of the age-old saying “my house, my rules.” So, for anyone in a similar sitch, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Even if she’s not a screamer, your rickety ass bed frame makes more noise then you think.

2. Regardless of the garnishes, Bloody Mary’s aren’t actually a breakfast food.

3. You are no longer a pre-pubescent teenager, so creamin in a sock and stuffing it into a hamper will lead to a conversation you don’t want to have with mom come laundry day.

3B. Mysterious bottles of yellow liquid tend to have a similar effect; there is no longer an acceptable explanation for the toilet being “too far away.”

4. Having a few while tweeting does not make you just a “social drinker.”

5. Spitters are no longer recyclable.

6. Thirsty Thursday is not an officially recognized holiday.

6B. Neither is Sunday Funday for that matter, sorry.

7. The walk of shame takes on a whole new feel when your mother offers her coffee on the way out.

8. Vomit must ALWAYS be cleaned up that night, not the morning after.

9. Sun rise is not a reasonable bed time.

10. And finally, you know that bong you haven’t boiled in two years? Well in a house not excessively frequented by pot heads that shit is going to stink worse than a hookers ass at Sunday morning mass, no matter where you hide it.

That’s all for now


Arthur’s Crew

4 03 2013

Originally I drafted this one up the day after new years. As you can tell, my spirits were at an all time low. Since it’s officially march and spring is right around the river bend I figured ehhh, what the H, let’s bitch about a harmless childhood cartoon for a few minutes. So here it is, guys, the source of my beef with Arthur.

The winter might be dragging on longer than we all can handle, but luckily the mime is here to put it in perspective.

Think filing 401K plans at your administrative assistant job at a recycling plant this morning was rough? Feeling like your liver is going to fail at any moment you drank so much Cooks champagne two nights ago? Depressed because literally every single person besides you from your high school class got engaged last month? Even that dickhead Mitch? Well calm down lead singer of Bullet For My Valentine. Don’t slit your wrists yet. At least you’re  not Arthur.

Remember Arthur? If you don’t you should. Guy had it rough. At this point you’re thinking, J to the D, Arthur was a boss. His life ruled. I’d trade my life as a barback at Chili’s with a talking aardvark with glasses any day of the week. Think again partner. Let me break Arthur’s life down for you. And don’t you dare stop reading. This post has got some serious potential.




He’s eight year old Aardvark who’s in third grade. His hobbies include playing the piano, reading and riding his bike. Dude rocks a yellow sweater and some big ass bi-focals every single day of his life. He does have a dog, but he named it Pal, so that’s kind of gay. Given the glasses and that he likes reading, we can assume he’s a huge nerd. I think those are Jordan V’s but I’m not sure. So he might be good at basketball, but I wouldn’t count on it.

As you can see, Arthur gets a pass. He’s the main character of a TV show so he’s kind of a big deal. And he’s a decent dude through and through. However the real problem lies in the friends he hangs with. They say judge a man by the company he keeps, well I say judge the shit out of an aardvark by the lame ass crew he rolls with.



Some of you might’ve read my article a while back about TV sisters and they’re bitch-tastic nature. Well I’m feeling pretty silly right now that I forgot to include DW. Chick was the worst. Over dramatic, self centered and very likely to throw a tantrum at any time. I’m no baseball umpire but that sounds to me like strikes one, two and three.



Buster is the one exception here. Dude was the tits. I’m honestly real surprised he rolled with Arthur at all. Guy had it all. Sick threads, big ol bunny ears I guarantee the ladies loved, a baller sense of humor, and he’s a stud on the softball field. If I remember right he was also a slacker in school. Cool kid no questions asked. Then again he was BFFs with Arthur so maybe he wasn’t that cool. Plus his folks got a divorce and you can bet your ass it was 100% ALL Buster’s fault.



Francine was a stone cold biznatch. Plus she looked just like that lady ape that wants to plow Marky Mark in 2001’s Planet Of The Apes. Maybe because they’re both monkeys. Whatever. The point is Francine consistently dragged Arthur’s crew down. Always bossing them around, trying too hard to be one of the guys. We get it Francine, you’re a closet lesbo. Go munch on some box already and leave Arthur alone.



First off, killer name brah. You might be the richest monkey in Elwood City but don’t forget you’re named after pubes. Muffy was a total pain in the ass. Basically the Jackie from That 70’s Show of Arthur. Sure she’s hot, but she’s also impossible to spend 5 minutes with without contemplating suicide.

The Brain

The Brain

Brain is that one guy that everybody likes but deep down they actually hate because they’re jealous of him. Smart as hell, athletic as shit, humble, polite, celebrates fucking Kwanzaa and most certainly has a python for a dong. He’s almost too nice. Always helping people and listening to peoples problems. Hey Brain, quit the charade, brocif. We all know you’re a egomaniacal douche deep down.  Let loose.



Not sure exactly what type of animal Binky is, looks to be some sort of ogre. All I remember is he repeated the third grade. Sucker move right there. Sucks to have such a monstrous head and such a tiny brain. Clearly in Arthur’s crew for protection but it’s tough to be Arthur’s muscle when you’re busy being a queer playing the clarinet.

See what I mean folks? Brutal crew. If you ask me, Arthur’s gotta shed the dead weight and pick some cooler friends. Maybe some hotter chicks, a black dude or two and you’ve gotta have one Asian. For math help and what not.

Anybody read that entire post? Thanks. Feels good to know somebody’s still interested in a TV show we watched 18 years ago.

Alright, enough of that. My new years resolution is to not write stupid shit on the internet for christsake. Guess that lasted all of 28 hours.

– JD