2 Broke TVs Thanks to 2 Broke Girls

21 04 2013

cbs-2011-2-broke-girls

Not sure if any mime compadres have been watching CBS’ fine primetime programming lately, but if you have and it happened to be a Monday, you probably stumbled upon a few seconds of the second season of their “hit” show, 2 Broke Girls. Then you probably cancelled your cable plan and spot welded your eyes shut. Sweet baby rays BBQ sauce that show is awful. As much as I hate to admit it, I watched about seven minutes of it a few weeks back and as far as I can tell, it’s hands down the worst show ever made.

Don’t get me wrong, there’ve been A LOT of awful sitcoms in American history. I could write a freaking dead sea scroll listing all the shows I’ve turned on and then immediately turned off, and I’m sure you can too. For every one good show, there’s like 76 others that were immediately cancelled. So I won’t bore you with mini-rants on garbage programming like Blind Justice. I’ll just cut to the chase and go off on our lousy show of the hour, 2 Broke Girls.

For those not familiar, I’ll provide a sample clip. Feel free to watch, but just know that you’ll probably light your computer on fire ten seconds in.

UHH. Shut it off for the LOVE OF GOD!

And listen, I get it…. hey JD if you hate it so much then just don’t watch it! Valid point captain Mcannoyingface, but here’s the thing you’re forgetting. I live at home with my folks. Ya boy doesn’t necessarily have control of the tube on a nightly basis. For example, just last week I was in the kitchen heating up a two slices of leftover meatloaf and overheard 2 Broke Girls on TV. Enough to make even the most mentally tough men fly off the handle.

Here’s the 411 on the show. It’s a sitcom that debuted in 2011 to the dismay of, I can assume, every person on planet earth. It’s about two chicks in their twenties who are waitresses and, wait for it, happen to be down on their luck and BROKE. One has always been poor and the other used to be rich but now she’s poor, or something like that. Apparently the show was created by Whitney Cummings. A chick who is usually moderately hilarious in Comedy Central roasts, so that was a surprise to me. It stars some relatively hot blonde chick and the kinda goth, ugly daughter from 40 Year Old Virgin. How she got a primetime show is beyond me. And what bugs me the most about her is she’s constantly guilty of the excessive lipstick use. Worst look out there. Gaudy burgundy lipstick. Woof. Not much else to say regarding the plot of the show, lot of obnoxious one liners and a bunch of craptastic acting.

Plus, to make matters worse, they just signed on for a third season! Thank the lord! Was worried I wouldn’t have a couple of incredibly annoying wise-cracking broads to brighten up my Monday nights any more. Wheew.

I really want to know who the hell watches this show? Like seriously, if you’re reading this and you also happen to watch 2 Broke Girls on a regular basis, let me know. Send us an email. Maybe a quick one or two paragraph rundown on why. I honestly want to meet you, maybe pick your brain for a bit, find out just how horrible your sense of humor could possibly be. Because I sit here and I can’t seem to think of one person on planet earth that would enjoy the program, yet it continues to get decent ratings. It won a friggin Emmy for christsake!

Just mind blowing stuff, folks. You know what, I’m going to completely switch up the tone of this post and go a head and give a big ol’ congrats to 2 Broke Girls. You’re somehow kicking TV ass. You suck so so much, but yet you don’t at the same time. And at the end of the day, I kind of have to respect that. It’s like I want to drive to CBS Studios in Cali and release a pack of moose on their set in the hopes they’ll never film another second of the show again, but at the same time I kinda want to find out their secret and get in on the scam too.

Way to go 2 Broke Girls, you have everyone here at the mime totally perplexed.

– JD

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How Did They Even Make It This Far?

13 03 2013

First off I gotta throw out a little apology to my main man JD and all the loyal followers of the Underrated Hottie. Unbeknownst to me, you guys had already gotten the low down on that stone cold fox Gina C back in May of last year. Wasn’t trying to steal your thunda big dog, though I will say she certainly is of the caliber worthy of a second look. In fact, if anyone wants to do a little compare and contrast on our mild obsession with the woman warrior, here is his briefs-crowding wisdom:

https://theoffdutymime.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/underrated-hottie-i-just-remembered/

Ok, I’m gona go out on a limb here and try and break in a new on going category for the mime, so let me know what you think. This list could go for days and days and will feature some of the DUMBEST human beings to ever have walked God’s green earth. I know, I know, how will we ever choose, right? Well, it will be tough but luckily there is no shortage of inspiration for this one and your friends here at the mime are willing to roll up our shirt sleeves and sift through the shit for ya to find the true gems.

If your one of those people who thinks it bad form to speak ill of the dead then fair warning, this list will not be for you. But think about it, if you are on the level of shire idiocy as the sorry sacks who’s names end up appearing below, without a doubt at some point your moronic behaviors will lead to your demise. And this is America after all, we love poking fun at other peoples shortcomings. So buck up.

Without further ado here we go.

Having the distinct honor of being our first ever character that natural selection should have stripped from this world a long, long time ago we have… Drum roll please…

coke1

That’s right, its Natasha Harris; everyone’s favorite ‘coke head’ and no I’m not talking about those delicious nose clams that rhyme with propane here, Coca-Cola was her drug of choice. Yep, she actually managed to drink herself to death on soda pop. And before you wisenhimers jump all up in my grill, no Coke is not putting cocaine in their product again. But that would be ammmaaizzziiing!

However, this is old news, well her death is at least, but it has recently been brought up in a new light due to a coroner’s findings that this mother of 8 who met her maker back in 2010 was addicted to the sugary beverage.

Let me be clear here on what I mean by “addicted” cause we aint talking a few cans a day or any sort of equivalency to you so called “caffeine addicts” still chugging along with us today. This New Zealander would throw back more than two gallons of polar bear syrup a day! Yea you read it right, A DAY! But c’mon GBz, she was a big ol gal, she could probably handle her intake, right? Meh, I’m no doctor, but apparently she also mixed in a few packs of cigs and had a food intake similar to that of a Sudanese orphan. Jesus, maybe eat a Big Mac every now and again and you wouldn’t have to fuel up on straight diabetes to stay awake you loon! Might not be the best example but you get what I’m sayin.

What did Natasha have to show for her addiction? Well, she had developed cardiac arrhythmia, an enlarged liver, her teeth had been removed because of decay and she had heroin addict like withdrawals that would even turn violent when she couldn’t get her carbonated fix. And of course, there is the biggy- a ticker that quit on her at age 31. What the hell did you think was going to happen woman?

However, this coroner that did the autopsy seems like hes a few eggs short of a dozen himself. He doesn’t think that Coca-Cola should be held financially responsible for Harris’ death, obviously; though some type of frivolous law suit attempt will surely come out of this. He does suggest the Coke consider putting a warning label on its drinks.

Buddy, what would that actually accomplish? Clearly this woman was straight up illiterate because even a pre-schooler can read the god damn health chart pyramid.

coke2

See that word near the top next to sugar-“sparingly” yea, either she needed an updated version of Webster’s or this cow just flat out couldn’t read. However, those fancy book learned types who threw this chart together thought of those special few among us who still can’t get a grasp on the kings english as well. The food groupings are arranged by size!!! If you can’t figure that out, no warning label on the side of a can is going to help.

And regardless of education or literacy level, if you don’t think there is a direct correlation between consuming 11 times the recommended amount of any substance every single day of your life and your laundry list of health problems, then well, you deserve to be either locked up or put 6 feet under. Bottom line. Certainly your kids didn’t deserve the self inflicted early departure of their mother though, bitch. See, here at the mime we do have a heart:)

If she couldn’t put two and two together then how the hell did she even get that far in life, that’s what I want to know.

A little common sense people! That’s all we’re asking for!

Ok
-GBz





Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.

marc-ouellet

Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.

odilo

YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.

pope

Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent
-GBz





Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





What’s Your Deal, Rick Reilly?

20 01 2013

rick-reilly_original

What the FUCK happened to Rick Reilly? Seriously? What the FUG, people? Exactly when did he turn into such a douche? Was he always a douche? I’m real confused.

Let me break down my thoughts on this whole thing for you guys by starting at the beginning. Rickardo Paul Reilly was born on February 3, 1958 in Boulder, Colorado. I’ll skip all the boring shit and say that in 1997 he became the back page columnist for Sports Illustrated magazine. I was 9 in 1997 and from what I can remember, I could read then. Since my pops had an SI subscription I sharpened my reading skills with those magazines. One of my favorite things to read was the back page column, ‘Life of Reilly’. Dude had a killer column, or at least I thought so. Having it on the back page was fun too because you could wait until the end to read the best article of the magazine. I did read Steve Rushin occasionally but for some reason I liked Ricky Reilly’s shit better. Then in 2007 he left SI. I wasn’t really too broken up about it because I was on my way to college. Not really a big reading phase of ones life. Unless its spark-notes or the warning section on a N02 cannister I was about to huff, I wasn’t reading shit.

As most of us know, Rick signed on with ESPN and began writing a front page column on ESPN.com among other things including hosting Homecoming with Rick Reilly specials and contributing to Sportscenter and Monday Night Football broadcasts. Well I’m no doctor but if I was I’d guess at some point during his transformation from SI to ESPN he slipped and bashed his head, or maybe picked up a black tar heroin addiction that altered his personality because something changed. Dude went from the fun loving, hilarious back page columnist to egomaniacal, self-centered, super douche. And it wasn’t a slow transformation either, folks. Shit was quick as fuck. One minute I was itching to read his column, the next day I read it and wanted to punch him in the dick.

It seemed like his entire tone and writing style changed. I always used to think he was funny and seemed like a decent guy to hang out with, but suddenly all his articles were hypercritical, judgmental as fuck and written with a sort of “I’m better than you” feeling to them. From what I remember, during his time at SI he always was able to toe the line of writing emotional articles about tragedy with humor and class, but now all his sob stories come off as “I’m a good person for writing about this disabled kid and you’re a dick for not knowing about him and having legs that work”.

Then Rick started appearing on TV more and more frequently. And let me say, Ricky, buddy, you’re a writer. Stick to writing and get the fuck off my television screen. You’re on air presence sucks ass dude. Plain and simple. It’s like Bill Simmons. Brilliant writer, not so brilliant addition to NBA Countdown. Dudes voice is uber-gay. Granted, Rick Reilly doesn’t have a faggy voice, but he’s awkward as hell to watch. Plus he’s not an insider, he’s not a former player or coach, so he doesn’t really add much to the broadcast. Just kind of seems like he weaseled in there and wants to sound important.

Well all of this came to a climax earlier this NFL season when the cameras caught Ricky begging for a mention that he broke the Big Ben injury story first on twitter.

Basically the clip that we’ve all been waiting for. Everyone knew he was the one begging for on-air credit when the cameras weren’t rolling but nobody had hard evidence until, boom, Rick slipped up on national TV.

If you are wondering how he is on twitter, don’t wonder. He’s terrible. Don’t follow him. Dude makes such lame jokes it’s unreal. You can literally see the strain in his face as he tries to be funny in each one of his tweets.

Well I for one can’t quite figure it out. How did he go from everyone’s favorite back page columnist to one of the biggest tools at ESPN? If I had to guess, I’d assume his the ego buildup of having such a successful column for so many years finally caught up to him? But the more I think about it, I think he’s probably been a uber-douche the whole time. I was just too naive as a child to realize my favorite writer was a giant asshole. Turns out all those articles I chuckled at were written by an imposter. That book, Who’s Your Caddy, the one I listed as my favorite book one lame about me essay I wrote in 9th grade was merely the psycho-babble of a self centered cock smooch.

Suddenly this OW has taken a turn down the highway to sadville, USA. And that was not my intention. The point I wanted to make was this. Rick Reilly is and always will be a attention-starved ass. Let’s hope ESPN figures it out and cans his ass soon, or at least takes him off TV. I can chose to not read his articles, I can’t chose to accidentally hear his feeble attempt at a post-game breakdown of an NFL game I was just watching.

 

– JD





Tosh.O? More like Tosh.No

7 01 2013

Tosh.o

After last week’s sappy post on appreciating the little things in life I think we can all agree TODM feels a little wimpy, and a lotta soft. A post of that nature every once in a while is fine, but let’s be real, it’s not what we’re all about here at the mime. If it were, we’d be the Off Fruity Mime. Right? Because of fruit. Alright, so in an attempt to get back to our roots, I’m going to bitch about something that’s been increasingly bothering me over the last year or two.

Comedy Central’s viral video clip juggernaut, Tosh.O.

Tosh has been dominating the ratings at Comedy Central since spring of 2009, and for the first few seasons, I was hooked. Dude was hilarious. His web redemptions were comedy gold.  The boom goes the dynamite kid one with Gus Johnson was freaking hysterical. Since 09 Tosh has been en fuego. His popularity is at an all time high. He even did a college campus tour where I tuned in each week to see him do his show live from different college auditoriums.

As you can tell, I’ve been a fan of Tosh.O for some time now. But here’s the big problem. Shock factor has always been a big part of the shows schtick. He’s always showing crazy videos from the internet. That’s the whole premise of the show. Here’s a fat chick snapping a park swing. Haha, what a tubby. Classic. And scattered in there are always a few disgusting videos. Here’s a dude getting a compound fracture jumping off a skateboard. Oooh nasty! For the first few seasons, Tosh mixed in the nasty videos pretty sparingly. He didn’t rely on them. Well fast forward to last season. Dude had each episode chock full o nasty, sick, disgusting videos. And keep in mind I’ve got a pretty strong stomach. Remember that show Scarred from MTV? The one where the lead singer of Papa Roach narrated dudes breaking their faces off rollerblading and shit? Yeah I loved that show. Weird how it was cancelled almost instantly? Figured a show with slo-mos of horrific injuries would get ratings through the roof. Crazy world we live in.

Anyways, the point I’m getting at is Tosh is peppering in nasty ass videos more and more frequently during his show. The last few episodes I’ve tossed on I usually throw up my ramen noodles about three minutes in. It’s like he’s running low on funny internet videos and needs to make up for it with gross shit. Basically, it quickly made the show unwatchable for me. Thanks, but I think I’ll sacrifice a few Tuesday evening laughs so that I don’t projectile my lunch all over my neighbor’s porch.

To make things even worse, it seems like Daniel Tosh’s loveable self-obsessed uber douche style of comedy is only getting more intense. Maybe it’s just everyone in America getting sick of it over time, but it just seems like the guy needs to dial it back a bit. We get it dude. You’re a smart ass jagoff. That’s your thing. How about maybe ease up on the videos of dudes shooting their scrotum off and go back to the funny stuff. And no, I’m not going to give you guys a link to that video. But it was featured on Tosh.O. Here’s a better link instead.

Or how about that video of the dude pulling some random shit out of his nose for like an hour?

Dude c’mon. I was planning on going to Applebees in like 20 minutes.

Basically what I’m driving at is Tosh.O is on the downswing. I know it, you know it, your cat even knows it. Guy had a nice little four year run and his ship is slowly sailing away. What sucks for him is his little call out all the shows on Comedy Central that have been cancelled right before commercial break routine. Ha! The Showbiz Show With David Spade! I remember that one. Well jokes about to be on you Toshy. I give it two more seasons, tops.

And know that I’d be less likely to rip on Tosh if he hadn’t totally ruined things with all these nasty videos. Like ask me two years ago and I’d basically write you a long list of reasons why I’d go gay for Daniel Tosh. Well times they have-a changed, folks. I’m sorry it had to end like this Daniel. By the way, for christsake go by Dan or Danny or something. This full name thing is real annoying too.

Alright, that’s about all I got. If you still watch Tosh.O, good for you. Just don’t be all bummed out when your Chicken Cordon Bleu is on the rug in front of your TV next time you tune in.

 

– JD





This Week In America’s Worst Jobs

3 01 2013

andy-reid-3

Sup Andy?

Listen, most of you are probably thinking I’m about to go off on how being the new coach of the Kansas City Chiefs is the worst job of all time. How I’m going to babble about how Andy’s entering a living nightmare in KC and that chances are after a couple abysmal seasons, he’ll probably acquire a heroin addiction like his son (way too soon?). Well relax Stratman n co, I’m not. Surprisingly, I actually think the Big Walrus can turn KC’s ship around. I’d rather have Andy as the captain of my ship than any of the other head coaches who were fired this season. Not trying to have Norvington Turner Overdrive and his crater skin lead my team to an awesome regular season and then get totally rocked the minute we step foot in the playoffs. At least Andy has proven he can win in the post season. Maybe not the big game, but he can win.

No, this weeks worst job is being an NFL coach on the hot seat. And what’s ridiculous is the night and day contrast regarding how good your life is between being a good coach and a bad one. When things are good, things are fucking GOOD. But when things are anything from bad to even just okay, things are fucking AWFUL. If you’re a great NFL coach of a perennial powerhouse team (see: Bill Belichick) things are all gravy. Money, bitches, winning, championships, fame, yachts, all on the reg. You name it you got it. But if you aren’t one of those coaches, life sucks. Job security is as low as you can possibly imagine. You could literally wake up one morning and you’re jobless. You didn’t even do anything. In fact often times, you did absolutely nothing. Didn’t tell Rhonda in HR she’s got a nice caboose at the company christmas party, didn’t steal TP for your apartment from the handicap stall, didn’t even fudge up some numbers on the Vincent account invoice. Just spent 180 hours a week pouring your heart and soul into coaching a 52 man roster of overly aggressive, under educated man-beasts in the most popular and violent sport in America.

And when I say coach on the hot seat, I mean anything from the hottest of seats, like picture a seat made of flaming lava, to a seat that’s just slightly above room temperature. Look at Tom Coughlin. The Giants won last year’s Super Bowl. Four games before the end of the season, a season, remember, in which they fucking won the Super Bowl, every person in NY wanted to slice TC’s sac off. They lost a couple games and had a slight chance to miss the playoffs. Let’s murder him and burn down his house! His seat might as well been made of a flaming hot cheetos factory after a gas explosion. On the other hand, Lovie Smith, who I’ve always said is a garbage coach, led the Bears to a 10-6 record this year. His seat was barely warm enough to heat up his buns. If Blair Walsh misses the field goal against GB last Sunday and the Packers win, he’s safe. Well Blair didn’t and dude’s ass was fired quicker than my buddy J Bone when he took a wiz in the slushie machine at Quik Trip.

But JD, that’s the risk they take when they decide to dedicate their life to being an NFL coach. True. I’ll give you that. You make a valid argument. But here’s my thing. It’s a league of 32 teams. 12 teams make the playoffs. That means 20 don’t.. Let’s say the 12 coaches who make the ‘offs are usually safe from getting axed. That means 20 coaches, or 62.5% of the NFL’s coaches are at risk of getting shit canned each fucking season. Yeah, I’m good at math and I’m not Asian. Big deal. The point is, coaches could be donezo just because of math. Every team can’t win. Even my mom knows that. But I’ll quit boring you with numbo crunches and various calculations and what not.

To make matters even worse, when a coach is on the hot seat he’s gotta answer even MORE questions from the media and fans. It’s like if you were a delivery man and you lost a couple packages, maybe rear ended an old lady with your company issued truck. Instead of hearing it from your boss and maybe a few wise-cracking coworkers, the entire planet is on your jock demanding answers. Why didn’t the Jackson family get the crock pot they ordered on Amazon? How come sweet old Mrs. Stevenson’s spine shattered in four places because you couldn’t open your bag of Chik-Fil-A on an exit ramp? On and on it goes. And instead of giving honest answers and telling everyone to fuck off, you have to maintain your composure and represent the integrity of a major sports franchise with every answer you give.

Bottom line is, I criticize a lot of NFL coaches for being douches. But when you step back and think about it, they’re all douches because unless they just won the ‘ship everyone on their teams fan base probably hates them and they could lose their job at any second. So fuck being an NFL coach. Sounds like hell on earth.

 

– JD