Underrated Hottie of the Week

12 11 2012

Paula Broadwell

It’s Monday, I’m still hungover and its cold as shit out. Perfect time to heat things up with an underrated hottie. Today’s featured babe, Paula Broadwell, has been blowing up the internet the last few days due to her alleged involvement in the adultry scandal of CIA Director, David Petraeus. Paula is a “writer, academic and anti-terrorism professional”, and she’s best known for co-authoring a NY Times best seller biography of Petraeus, released in January. Naturally, she’s underrated as fuck because unless you like to read books and/or watch MSNBC all day long, you’d have no clue who she is. So before every single website ever invented has pictures of this academic sex kitten plastered on their homepage, the mime’s going to get in on the action.

Aside from being the Director of the CIA and most certainly a massive badass and rich beyond belief, keep in mind Davey Petraeus is kind of an odd looking cat.

Plus his wife looks like this:

Damn girl!

Got that naughty lunch lady vibe going. Minus the naughty, plus the what looks to be angry/bitchy. That bob haircut probably needs to go, too. Was sexy in 72′, not so much anymore.

Few  details have emerged on exactly what went down, but here at the mime we like to do a lot of speculating. Our speculations are usually extremely inaccurate. Here’s what probably happened. We know Paula had to have spent significant amounts of time with David Petraeus for this biography. Shadow him during his daily routine, extensive interviews, study his habits and mannerisms, you name it she was on it. That apparently also included extensive dong studies. Probably started realizing she wanted to bang him during ummm, I don’t know, maybe the first interview? It’s like that Chapelle bit about Bill Clinton, she wanted to fuck a powerful man. Meanwhile Davey P was probably thinking nobody could ever possibly find out about it. He’s the goddamn director of the CIA for christsake! Dude takes shits that are classified information. Plus the broad is doing a biography on him. Sounds like the perfect cover. “Honey why are your pants down and her hand is on your wiener?” “Biography research, babe, relax”.

Well apparently he was wrong. WAY wrong. He lost his job, his reputation and possibly his family. Luckily for Paula, she should emerge from this thing relatively unscathed. I mean, aside from a high profile sex scandal being on her record for ever and ever and what not. She’s got stories galore for what we can hope will be a tell-all book on the affair, certain multi-million dollar offers from Playboy and a boatload of publicity. Check that, I’m being told her family life is in ruins as well.

Well I guess the moral of this story is in 2012 having a top secret honey on the side is literally impossible.

Here are a few more photos of Mrs. Broadwell, congrats on making the mime’s list of underrated hotties. You’re in good company.

– JD





Buzz Cuts: Who Rocked It Best?

6 11 2012

If the title of this post gave you a hard rock favorites boner I apologize, this is not a tribute to one of the greatest rock compilation albums of all time. Instead, you’re about to enter a (shaved) head to head to head competition amongst female celebs who’ve gone a little heavy on the #1 clipper. So set your air guitar down and whip your dick out.

Following Kellie Pickler’s butch, yet somehow still smokin hot, haircut at the CMA’s last Thursday, the Mime decided to take a look over the years at which ladies have rocked the buzz cut best. Surprisingly, most celebs who’ve ditched the long locks for a close shave are (or were) pretty hot. Some have even embraced the look long term. Whatever the reason, there’s a boatload of female celebs that have done it at some point. So in the off chance that you’re into that sort of thing, before you hop on red tube and search for shaving porn, take a peek at the list below.

Quick side note, your pal JD is not a big fan of women with shaved heads, or short hair in general for that matter. I think that probably goes for most of our generation. Sure, once women get older they often ditch the long hair, because old gray long hair just screams pee pants cat lady. But short hair in the 18-35 age bracket just doesn’t float my boat. In fact, it makes my boat sink real fast, Titanic style. It’s kind of like my thoughts on bangs. Almost every gal tries to pull them off at one point in time, and it rarely works. Granted, fewer girls try to pull off short hair than bangs, but the point remains true: it’s a big gamble. It’s like dudes rocking long flow. Unless you’re a hockey player or a surfer or John Stamos, flowing locks on a dude usually don’t work. Take my super sexy fro in high school, for example. Global pantie dropper, but that’s because I’m a hockey player/John Stamos fan.

Alright, let’s get back to the matter at hand, ladies with shaved domes. Here are my top ten.

10. Sinead O’Connor

Nothing compared to how much this broad looked like a dude. Can’t have a shaved head list without her, though.

9. India Arie

India was killin the buzzed look at the BET awards a few years ago. Love that drawn on curl up front too. Realistic as fuck. Makes me almost not notice the wagon wheels she’s got for earrings.

8. Britney Spears

I’m not even mad at her for this. Can’t hate on smoking a couple crack rocks and heading to Great Clips to shave your dome. Sounds like a typical Tuesday after work for JD. Plus she has that “I’m going to rip your balls off” look. I like that look.

7. Anne Hathaway

Thought that was a pic of J Beibs with brown hair. Granted its more of a fohawk than a buzz, but the point is she looks like a Lesbian dude.

6. Charlize Theron

Charlize might’ve hit the number one spot on this countdown if it wasn’t for that lame ass fedora. You gotta own the look, babe! OWN IT!

5. Cameron Diaz

Lookin like a cone head here which leads me to believe this is probably a bald cap. Either way, that’s the hottest cone head I’ve seen since Dan Aykroyd.

4. Demi Moore

Now, back when D-to-the-Emi shaved her head it was the mid 90s and she was by far the hottest woman ever. Have you seen Striptease?? I’ve never been harder in my life than when I went to Video Update with a fake ID to rent that bad boy in 9th grade. So naturally, even buzzed up, she’s a smokeshow.

3. Amber Rose

Honestly she’s rocked the shaved look so long it would be weird to see her with long hair. Her bod is rockin, even if she’s pregnant with a Wiz-ling, but something about a bleach blonde buzz cut reminds me of Sports Illustrated for Kids.

2. Natalie Portman

Maybe it’s because V for Vendetta was the tits. Maybe it’s her awesome new tits, either way Nat-atat rocked the bald look like a goddamn champ.

1. Kellie Pickler

Pretty sure half my fifth grade class rocked this exact hairstyle in 99, but nonetheless with it, she looked like a sexy bi-curious minx at the CMA’s last week. Not that I watch the CMA’s or anything. I don’t. I just read People magazine on the reg.

 

So, what did we learn today? Well basically that unless it’s for a movie role or to support a pal with cancer, most ladies should probably return their Wahl clippers ASAP.

– JD





Underrated Hottie of the Week

19 10 2012

Julie Bowen

 

Hey girl.

I know before I even begin this underrated hottie, many of you are wondering why I gave the nod to the Mom from Modern Family. She’s old bro! She’s had like five kids already dude! She’s 42 cuz! I know all of those things and I don’t care. Jules is a certified smoke stack and she’s been under-appreciated in Hollywood for far too long. I mean prior to Modern Family nobody knew who the fug she was. Nobody. Maybe a couple Boston Legal fans recognized her, but let’s be real, nobody watched Boston Legal. Show sucked major balls. Ohh look at me I’m from Boston, I’m a lawyer, I’m in court yelling things blah blah blah. Nobody cares dude. Either include a topless scene from Jules or cancel this show asap.

In my eyes Julie Bowen is a way hotter version of the mom on According to Jim. And belie me, when I was 12, I thought the mom on According To Jim was a babe. One of those how the fuck would Jim Belushi ever have a shot with her in real life kind of hot. Speaking of the Mom on According To Jim, anyone ever see Norm MacDonald tear her apart on Conan? Shit is hilarious. Clearly According to Jim‘s wife was a snooze-fest of an interview, but that’s beyond the point.

Julie motherflippin Bowen. She’s 42, had three kids and she has a pacemaker! Usually those are strikes uno, dos and three y’all. Not today. Jules pulled a check swing on that pacemaker outside fastball and reached first on a walk. Personally, I think its a classic case of getting hotter as you get older. It’s like Elaine from Seinfeld. Back in the day she was cute, but all those weird 90s hairstyles just didn’t do it for me. Check her out now and it’s like damn! How you get all a dat in dem jeans? Same can be said for Julie B. I mean did anyone see her in Weeds?

Enough said.

 

 

 

MILF city.

 

– JD





OW: Real Life Sleeping Beauty My Ass

9 10 2012

I’m browsing through my daily dose of Huffington Post Healthy Living because, cmon, my body is a temple folks. Don’t look like Hercules on steriods without dedicating yourself to an hour a day of healthy readings. But anyways, so I’m surfin H-post and I come upon an article about a real life sleeping beauty. Was hoping for a few new ab workouts to add to my routine, but real life sleeping beauty works fine too. I aint mad at that. Sleeping Beaut was my jam back during my disney princess phase. No I’m not gay, I’m talking about my disney princess PORN phase guys. Sheesh. So I read more about this real life slumbering babe. Turns out headlines can be deceving. Especially when arianna huffington postington mclady is behind them.

Here’s what the story is actually about.

This gal, Kaitlin Terrana:

has some syndrome that causes her to sleep 20 hours a day, sometimes for 10 days at a time. Damn. You mean Mono? Jk. LOL. Kaitlin I do feel for you, and please know before I head into this OW full force, I’m not making fun of your condition. Well maybe I am a little bit, but the point is you can’t help it and that sucks. Now, where was I? DAYYUUUMNN. Sleeping for ten days at a time? If it’s a sexually transmitted disease can we please bang soon (assuming you’re of legal age) because I need this disease in my life right now. Sounds like a lifestyle I can deal with.

Before I get too caught up in the awesome symptoms of Kleine-Levin Syndrome, lets address the main reason I chose to read this story in the first place. The sleeping beauty aspect of it. Here I am picturing a real life sleeping sex kitten just waiting for prince JD Mccharming to slay a couple dragons, storm the castle and suck face until you wake up. Figured maybe the girl was a high school cheerleader that ate a poison apple she got from a witch behind the bleachers at homecoming and fell into a deep trance? I don’t know. Well basically wash those hopes down the drain Mcgridds.

Headline should’ve read ‘Real Life Sleeping 5 maybe 5 and a half tops’. Just misadvertised. And if I was Kaitlin, I’d be upset with that. I can’t be the only one who made that mistake. Since the story broke she’s probably got a goddamn stampede of sexy dudes on horseback trying to sneak into her bedroom and plant a big smooch on her just to claim marriage rights. I may not be a doctor but even I know that can’t be good for her condition. Prince Harry serenading her with a symphony of love songs is not a good soundtrack to sleep to. Gotta go with the ocean noises. Does it every time.

Well as you might imagine, after my initial rage subsided following the realization that my dreams of finally putting my lips of an angel to good use were crushed, I decided to read more about the condition at hand. Turns out Kaitlin, along with very few other people, lives a pretty rough life. Not. Symptoms include excessive sleep, excessive food intake, increased sex drive, hallucinations and lack of emotions.  C’mon now. Those are all qualities I wish I had as a person. I’ve always wanted to be a competitive eater, the sex drive one is a no-brainer, hallucinations are sweet (see: take an ambien and try and stay awake) and everyone knows lack of emotions and general apathetic nature = being a badass.

Then it hit me. The explaination for her disease is simple. I think Kaitlin is a dog trapped in a humans body. Either that or every single dog on the planet suffers from Kleine-Levin syndrome. I don’t think I could write a better descriptive sentence for a dog than that if I tried. They sleep non-stop, munch up anything that remotely looks like food (i.e. their own shit), always want to hump things and consistently give zero fucks about anything. Boom. Medical mystery solved. Just inject her with some reverse osmosis dog genes and she’s cured. No need to thank me, just toss my name in the ballot for Nobel Peace Prize in a couple years.

 

– JD

 





Underrated Hottie of the Week: Double Feature

1 10 2012

Surprisingly, our weekly UH postings are some of our most popular and by some of the most I mean hands down, no question the most. Weird that people would rather check out a pair of premium boobies than read a premium article on Big Hurt Beer. Sometimes the human race baffles me.

Well lately I’ve been getting a bunch of suggestions for who to nominate as this weeks Underrated babe. With the massive number of requests, we can only use a select few. Sorry folks, that’s just how it works. Shout out to M. Mike Shyama-long and K-bone for the good lookin out.

Be sure you’ve got an excel spreadsheet on deck in case your boss comes by and you’re browsing this post, then tape your wang to the side of your leg and get ready for an unprecedented two part UH. Both of today’s gals have pornstar-sounding names but sadly, neither dabble in adult entertainment.

First up to bat is a little known smoke house named Lindsey Duke.

On the left.

As my nephew, Lengthy Beard, put it eloquently, “this broad equals a billion boners”. Couldn’t have said it better m’self. And after further inspection, she might be the hottest chick on the entire planet. But who, you ask, is this chub inducing angel-princess-goddess-shedevil?

Well Ms. Duke was first featured on Busted Coverage in their ‘Girlfriends of NCAA Quarterbacks’ segment. She’s the long time HS sweetheart of UCF quarterback Blake Bortles. Didn’t know who Blake Bortles was until a second ago, but instantly I respect the hell out of him and at the same time I want to murder him with a Louisville slugger and steal his lady. How Lindsey isn’t a model is beyond me. She’s got what looks to be an equal-to-better rack than Kate Upton and her face is about a milli times hotter too. Someone get her in an SI Swimsuit edish already!

I mean sweet lord.

Quick fat spiderman pic to cool you off in between honeys

Aaand we’re right back into it.

Batting second, out of Bristol, CT, is an up-and-comer named Samantha Steele.

If Lindsey Duke is the hottest woman alive, then Sammie Steele might just be the cutest. She’s been a sideline reporter on a variety of cable networks, most recently the Longhorn Network and ESPNU. Recently referred to as Erin Andrew’s replacement, she can be found every Saturday morning throughout the fall working for College Gameday. GOOD CHOICE. I gotta give the fine people at ESPN a lot of credit as they continue to toss top notch talent in our face, forcing guys everywhere to take back “sideline reporters are pointless” statements.

Samantha Steele definitely seems like take-home-to-ma material but more along the lines of take home to ma, then take out back and have kinky tool shed sex on the snowblower material. Dimples for days.

 

 

Congrats to both gals featured on this fine Monday afternoon. Know you’ve made more mime compadre wieners tingle in an eight hour period than ever before. That’s certainly something to be proud of.

– JD





Underrated Hottie of the Week

24 09 2012

Allison Williams

I didn’t watch the Emmys last night because A. who gives a fuck and B. I’m not a gay. But thanks to a grill full of “See who was the best and worst dressed last night!” stories the minute I turned on my computer this morning, I kind of feel like I watched the whole broadcast. And since its well known that I pride myself in staying up on the cutting edge of fashion, I felt like I needed to peep what the stars were rocking last night. Were there any wardrobe malfunctions? Did anyone’s nip pop out? Who wore the new Oscar de La Renta fall collection the best? WERE THERE ANY NIP SLIPS????!! You know, standard fashion shit. So I’m cruising though a gallery and BOOM. Allison Williams all up in my face. I instantly leaked pre for like like a minute straight. Damn. Where you been all my life?

It turns out, Allison is the daughter of NBC News Anchor Brian Williams. B-to-the-rian I gotta tell you is a pretty decent looking guy himself, so making a smoking hot daughter only makes sense. So who is this mystery babe? She’s an up and coming actress and comedian. She’s like 24 years old and she graduated from Yale a few years ago (kinda nerdy but we’ll let that slide). She’s starring in the new Judd Apatow show, Girls which premeired in April on HBO. Here’s the trailer for it:

Looks moderately terrible. But hey it’s HBO, maybe mix in a few nudie scenes from Allison each episode and I’d give it a chance…

Then I found out she’s been in a bunch of Funny or Die and College Humor sketches. Check em out here and here.

Certainly not ROFL material, but those were actually kind of funny right? She’s like Kate Middleton minus the boring philanthropic princess shit plus a decent sense of humor and some DSL’s. Seems like we’d be a match made in heaven. Allison when you get around to reading this, gimme a buzz babe.

Few more pics for the road –

 

 

– JD





An OD Mime’s Take: Bangs

10 08 2012

Just last night I’m chillaxin at Chateau de Mime aka my apartment and my roomate, Balls, brings up a great topic of conversation -chicks trying to pull off bangs. Granted, the conversation only lasted long enough for both of us to say “bangs for the most part look shitty” but you get the idea.

Well fast forward the VHS to this afternoon, I’m scouring my fourth favorite site, HuffPo Celebrity, to get all the dirty deets on our nation’s famous faces and wouldn’t you know it, bangs come up again. Turns out, J Timberlake recently told his fiance, Jessica Biel, to get the fuck rid of her bangs ASAP. I guess they’re supposed to hitched in a couple weeks and Justin won’t take the plunge unless her bangs are gone. Smart move by J Tims here. I’m no marriage expert but I’m pretty sure you’ve got to get these things out in the open prior to putting a ring on it. Plus its Jessica mo-fuggin Biel we’re talking about here. Top five hottie on the planet, arguably has the GOAT ass. She could be wearing a dead elk for a blouse and she’d still be a 12 out of 10. So when Timberlake says the look has got to go, you know its time to ditch it. Granted, in my opinion, bangs only lower Jessica to a below average 10.95, I’m sure Justin’s thought process here is, I’m marrying a 12 she better be looking like a 13 come wedding day.

Meanwhile, I like to consider myself a bit of a fashion guru. Men’s fashion, women’s fashion, tranny fashion, hobo fashion, you name it I’m in the loop. Heidi Klum calls ME for project runway advice. By that, I of course mean I still don’t know what a skinny tie is. Some sort of thin piece of paper covered metal to keep my loaf of bread from getting crusty? That’s honestly my best guess at this point. So by this blog’s standards, that means I’ve got all the credibility necessary to shred apart a women’s hair style. So here goes.

Bangs. Great name, not so great style. Ladies, if you’re about ready to stop reading the Mime because of the content of this post, hold up. Hear me out first. As with any style, there are about a million varieties of it in this world today. Some women can rock bangs with the best of them. Most women, simply put, can not. Even the ones who can, probably look better sans bangs anyways. That’s not my opinion, that’s pretty much every man’s opinion, so we’ll say that’s also science’s opinion. When I googled bangs I got a whole slew of gals who look hot as hell. Rachel Bilson, a normally babe-tastic gal, not so maaaach:

Yikes.

I’m sure most gals would agree, trying out bangs is just a way to switch things up. I get that. I’ve been around the block a couple times in the mens hair department. Fro? Check. Cornrows? Check. Military buzz? Check. Ski jump? Double check. I get that none of those hairstyles are attractive. I’m man enough to admit my jew fro didn’t necessarily moisten sophomore panties on a daily basis. I guess what I’m getting at is, just take a second to remember that most guys might think you’re not as hot as you used to be next time you rock bangs. That’s the long and the short of it. Plus they’ll probably make a “DUUUUUDE, she’s got bangs that means she wants to bang!! ha! get it?” type of comment to their buddy hoping to woo you later. So there’s two big things to avoid.

That’s about all I got on this topic. If I offended anyone, sorry for partying. Remember, Christina said it best:

 

– JD