Pass The What Now?

27 03 2013

Smack dab in the middle of Holy Week, a few days into Passover, and just a hop, skip, and a jump away from all those God fearing souls getting to once again openly partake in the lovely, tasty, and intoxicating things that they’ve been lying about abstaining from for the past 40 days. What a perfect time for some more ramblings from the religious correspondents desk, eh? My thoughts exactly.

Seriously though, Lent is like the half retarded offspring of New Year’s resolutions and rehab after a 7 minute teenage closet romp, think about it; it comes with twice the guilt ramifications if you can’t follow through and take care of it, or like forget it at the mall or something. But fear not ye Sunday morning sodomites, lent is not on the chopping block, this week I will be focusing on your Hebrew brethren.

Given that grizzly beards and a proficiency with numeros are not inherent traits to the men of my family, I had to do some digging to find out what this Passover thing is really about. Let me tell ya, its a pretty wacky party. Apparently, a couple years back a little dude named Moses, yep, that guy, got tired of scrapping sand out of his crack while being whipped a top a pyramid and decided to do something about it.
moses

But given his passive aggressive nature, clearly depicted here, he thought it best to just walk it off rather than throw down with an early member of what is now known as the Mossad. So he rounds up his crew, lights up a fatty and goes for a little stroll round the block to cool down. However, a mixture of short term memory loss and a powerful lust for camel’s milk causes Moses to lead his buddies on a little detour into the dessert, where they spend the next 40 years wandering around. Effectively carving in stone the rule that has been passed down through the ages; you never leave the high dude in charge of the directions. Thanks chief, now we know.

Obviously Moses needs to be celebrated for his blunderous discovery that has saved the future generations hours of aimless driving around. Well, except those two jokers in the movie who refused to just order a damn happy meal at the nearest drive through. Must not have heard this story growing up, though if memory serves they were neighbors with a couple of pot heads with ‘stein’ in their last names, thought they may have mentioned it. Nevertheless, I think I’m going to far surpass my allowed limit for stereotypes in this one, so we’ll leave trying to rationalize the chaotic decision making that comes from Asians getting behind the wheel to the professionals.

Ha, good stuff. Back to the man of the hour. How does one properly celebrate this monumental hero who buckled up and doubled the amount of coarse fragments between his cheeks for the good of us all? Most would be calling for strippers and cocaine, but no way Bubba, no amount of white girl, powdered or popping naked out of a cake, can hold a candle to what these party animals got going on.

They kick er off in the same fashion as any good bender, with a big meal; or ‘Seder’ as it is known in the Kingdom of Judah. However, the meal is prepared in a way to commiserate their ancestors who followed Stoner Jew out into the desert not knowing they would be walking for 40 years. Most of them wore through their sandals within the first week, and because of this the Jewish children are served the soles from last years back to school shoes, aka ‘Matzah’ as a way of paying homage.

Even Obama was enjoying chowin down on his old basketball sneaker earlier this week in Israel.

obama

Yum.

From there its seven more days of none stop orgy like craziness. They got pyrotechnics, sing a longs, trivia games, endurance contests, and enough distilled wheat liquor and wine to drown Ireland.

Anyone else ready to convert?

I’m Sold.

l’chaim!

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Big Papa Numéro Dos

11 03 2013

One thing I failed to mention in Big Papa 1 was all the different ways one can wager on the outcome of this so called conclave thing. Obviously, who the winner will be is the big one but c’mon we’re talking Vegas baby! We gotta have a little more fun than that! You can also bet on the winners country of origin, sexual age preference, shoe size, his own age, name they will take upon election, bush length and even what foreign country they will visit first, along with many others. Certain categories may require a back alley type bookie, but we at The Mime know people, regardless lets dive back into this mess.

A quick update on the betting lines from last time:

The angry bigot form Italy is still holding down the top spot, now a 2-1 favorite.
Our celibacy advocate, and avid ‘Scrubs’ fan from Ghana still sits at number 2 with 4-1 odds.
But ladies and gentleman hold on to your hats! Our home grown American boy Mr. Clean has jumped up to #7 in the polls and is now just a 16-1 underdog going into tomorrow.

However, it is still anyone’s game and there is plenty of stiff competition out there for those three, so lets take a look at a few more candidates, Mime style.

marc-ouellet

Our neighbors to the north have their own man in the mix, this is Marc Ouellet from Canada. He is the present prefect of the Congregation for Bishops and the president of the Pontifical Commission for Latin America, whatever that means. His big hot button topic rhymes with smitsmortion and his views on such have earned him a current ranking of 5th with 12-1 odds in the betting pools. However, what really makes him unique is that he doesn’t want the job! Marc has been quoted as saying, “becoming Pope would be a nightmare.” Well tough luck buddy. What else is a nightmare apparently is trying to have a conversation with this man; many of his close friends believe he is not charismatic enough to hold such a position and it has been rumored that on more then one occasion he has turned to the writers of ‘FUBAR’ for help on his sermons. My guess is that come white smoke time, anyone who puts down money on this joker will be going home empty handed.

odilo

YOUR NOT PORTUGUESE! No, but he damn sure does speak it. This stern faced Brazilian is Odilo Scherer, currently the Archbishop of São Paulo and holding down the 3 spot according to the bookies. That look does not come without the appropriate attitude and Mr. Scherer aggressively voices his views via modern day social media. You can follow him on Twitter @DomOdiloScherer but you may have to brush up on your romance language skills first. Being head of the largest diocese in the largest Catholic country should bode well for Odilo come election day, though some experts think he is not doing enough to crush Protestant growth in Brazil; despite multiple reports of brutal knee-cappings being carried out by hooded alter-boys. Yea, this tough mo-fo knows what real assault is, and it don’t involve bending over.

pope

Now this is more like it! This jolly giant, who happens to be a distant cousin of Yao Ming, can charm the pants off every scarlet from LA to Bangkok; but sorry ladies, he prefers a man is his mouth. God, I meant, you pervs. Luis Antonio Tagle aka “charm school” whos current title is de facto Primate of the Philippines, though again we aren’t all linguistics majors so lets just chalk it up to a do nothing job handed down by the local mob for forgiving, at least in God’s eyes, multiple hits. Seems fair. But despite his Asian appearance this mans got more dangling down there than most would give him credit for. Just last year he took a stand against his own Catholic Church, saying they needed to change and have an attitude of humility, respectfulness and silence, which is like telling a bear not to shit in the woods. Well anyway, he is tossing up a loose 20-1 and should probably be left for those late night dog track racing types.

Good luck tomorrow to all the anointed pederasts, desperate virgins, and self castrating good guys in the polling booth. Cheers!

Your unofficial religious correspondent
-GBz





Every Kiss Begins with…GAY? Who’s with me?

10 12 2012

kay_jewelers_logo_5x3

Time to dial up the romance because it’s that time of season again, folks. The most wonderful time of the year. That’s right, sappy jewelry store commercial season is in full force. Technically, it’s been upon us since mid November, but I’d say that not until the first or second week in December do the marketing gurus at jewelry store chains across the nation decide to turn things into overdrive. When you can’t flip on the TV for 5 minutes without some dick making it known that he went to Jared. When you can’t pop on a few re-runs of King of Queens without bursting into tears because of the beauty that is Jane Seymour’s Open Heart collection. You can’t check the score of the MNF game without back-to-back Helzberg ideal-cut diamond history lessons all up in your grill.

Sure, I get it. The holidays are the biggest time of the year for jewelry purchases. Dudes everywhere are scrambling to come up with a good gift idea for their lady, and falling back on some cubic zirconium diamonds is always a fool proof option. You can only buy so many scarf/hat/mitten combos or seasons of Glee on DVD before stepping up to some bling is necessary. So flooding these fellas with ads on ads on ads seems like a logical strategy for these jewelers. BUT. Here’s the thing. Every single jewelry store commercial caters to the emotional needs of women, not men. In fact, most of the commercials are so over the top cheesy men of all ages can’t fucking stand them.

You’d think if Zales wanted a ton of dudes to flock to their stores they’d throw together some ads that didn’t make every guy ever want to immediately light themselves on fire and jump into a vat of scorpions. Maybe an add or two like that one Victoria’s secret ad around valentines day?

WAIT. So if I go to Victoria’s Secret and buy a bunch of shit Adriana Lima will love me and let me eat dark chocolate off her nippies? WHERE ARE MY KEYS!? I’m driving there now.

See it’s that easy, jewelry stores. Now I’m sure they’ll say, hey our sales spike this time of year every year, we’re doing nothing wrong. Our commercials play to the beauty and romance of the season. To that I’d say, congrats. Here’s your goddamn gold star. Guess what though? You’re commercials don’t do that at all. They actually just make people kind of sick. It’s like the feeling you get when you see a really hefty couple tonguing each other at Chilis. Suddenly that chicken quesadilla doesn’t sound so good.

Maybe there’s a bunch of sensitive nancy boys out there that wet themselves for Kay Jewelers commercials and immediately hop in their Toyota Yaris to go buy their fiance a charm bracelet. I’m more in the thought pool that 99% of guys can’t stand the commercials and would rather pay a drifter to murder someone on the street and steal their diamond pendant then spend five minutes in a Zales picking out earrings.

 

Here are a few of my least most favorite jewelry commercials in rotation.

Guyyyyssss, it’s their first christmas as a family!

Hey baby, don’t mind the tornado that’s headed right for our cabin, peep this sweet necklace instead! So umm, we should bang now huh? PS – I’ll always be there.

Hey babe, I don’t seem to remember this partially broken park bench that smells like hobo urine and heroin…You will. Trust me. You will.

Santa shops at Kay my ass. Everyone knows Santa has an army of elves that could build a magnificent ring out of the biggest blood diamond ever at the drop of a hat. Then, if this commercial couldn’t get any less believable, it does. He drops a ring with like 400 carats and Mrs. Claus gives him a kiss on the cheek?? C’mon. Everyone knows Santa wouldn’t have that. Every make out sesh that leads to some 69’ing begins with Kay, Mrs. C, not every peck on the cheek. Jesus.

 

I think that’s about plenty, don’t you? By now you get the overall gist of the commercials. Buy jewelry at Kay and you’re the most romantic man of all time. Look on the bright side though, thanks to that last ad, we now know who’s responsible for these. Stern Advertising. Here’s their website. Looks like they dabble in Jared The Galleria of Jewelry ads too. So yeah, feel free to send a hastily written hate letter and/or stalk their president and kidnap his family. Whatever works.

Happy jewelry shopping to all the fellas. Just keep in mind if you go to Kay, we can’t be pals anymore.

– JD





America’s Holidays: Step Yo Game Up

3 02 2012

In the words of Ronnie from Role Models, time to step yo game up America.

No, I’m not talking about upgrading your handheld video game system to the new PSP. Everyone knows handheld gaming reached its pinnacle in 1998 with Gameboy Color. Fuck 3D shit, get me Pokemon Blue and a bag of Andy Capp’s Cheddar Fries.

What I’m talking about is our nation’s holiday situation. Its no mystery that Valentine’s Day is steadily approaching. For the 57 American dudes that JUST started courting some hottie this means spending an assload of money followed by a 27% chance of an awesome bang sesh. For every other dude in a relationship this means having to buy expensive romantic shit for no good reason. For all the single fellers out there this means a swift kick to the crotch from Dave Batista.

Ouch.

Being forward thinkers, the guys at TODM decided to make some noise. That’s right. A completely meaningless and virtually unread blog is going to suggest some better holiday ideas. I mean the world dedicated an entire day to chicks getting romantic shit just because Cupid shot St. Valentine in the dick with his magic arrow for christsake. There’s gotta be way better historical events to celebrate as a nation.

Looks like Hagrid had to pick up a side gig after filming wrapped on that 8th Harry Potter movie.

Anyways, without further ramblings, The Mime presents an unorganized blog of better holidays to celebrate.

Alternate February HolidayMiracle On Ice Day

Yeah, yeah, it was an Olympic semifinal hockey victory, not worth a holiday. Hold up. Let me explain. First off, The Cold War was a load of bullshit. A whole lot of bomb drills and waiting around for the Soviet’s to nuke us. Never happened. America never got a chance to crush some commie ass on the field of battle. The closest we got was assembling a rag tag bunch of YMCA pick up league hockey players, took em to the Olympics and ripped the USSR a fresh butthole.

Here’s my proposal. This epic victory went down on Feb 22. Lets throw this in there so the fellas have a holiday in February. Think of it like a winter 4th of July. Fireworks, sports and blowjobs. Just how the founding fathers envisioned it.

Alternate St. Patty’s Day Holiday – St. People of The Oregon Trail’s Day

Check it. So St. Patrick played his flute and drove all the snakes out of Ireland. Now all of Ireland celebrates his feat by getting absolutely tanked one day in March. I know what you’re thinking. ‘JD, America is the only country that gets hammered on St. Patricks Day. Its not even a big deal over there.’ WRONG. Trust me. They get wasted.

Seems to me the people of the Oregon Trail weren’t so different from St. Patrick. Instead of preaching God’s word and playing the flute they force-fed Natives Christianity and almost drove Bison off the face of the earth (don’t worry, my inside source says there are still plenty of Bison left). All that killing/pushing species to extinction/driving covered wagons must have been brutal. I played The Oregon Trail in grade school. People died from crossing babbling brooks and running low on rations. Those people were fucking PIONEERS. How were they honored? By some lousy, yet awesome game for Apple II computers.

Well I say we change that. Let’s add an American holiday in the name of those who came before us and let us remember them by getting dog-punting drunk.

Celebrity HolidayNicolas Cage Day

The Rock. Face/Off. The Family Man. National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Ghost Rider. Bangkok Dangerous. Drive Angry.

Just wanted to list some of his more notable performances in films. You know how critics refer to the lead singer of Plain White T’s as the songbird of our generation? Well I’d go as far as saying Nick Cage is the film-bird of ANY generation. I watched the original National Treasure and had a fear boner from opening sequence to end credits. Say what you want, this guy knows how to keep viewers on the edge of their seat.

That is why TODM suggests we stop talking about how awesome Nick Cage is and start taking action. Nicolas Cage Day. I’m not going to tell you how or when to celebrate it. You’ll know.

World Uniting HolidayNo More Dinosaurs Day

All I hear about these days is turmoil. Global turmoil. Not Pennzoil. TURMOIL. Nobody on this planet can agree on anything. Freakin jihad out the ass. Well have no fear. The Mime is about to unite the globe real quick. How about we celebrate something we ALL have in common? How about we celebrate the greatest goddamn asteroid to ever hit this planet? Lets hoist some brews, pour out some liquor, and gather hands across the globe to celebrate the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Powerful stuff.

Think about it. If the dinos hadn’t been wiped out by a comet blocking the sun or some crazy shit we’d all be fucked. You saw all three Jurassic Parks. Thank god for majestic helicopter rides. Could anyone imagine living side by side with those creatures? No freakin way. It’s either us or the dinosaurs. In a head-to-head battle I’d probably put my money on them. Sure we have guns and bombs but they have TEETH and CLAWS and even the smallest ones are bigger than Ashton Kutcher’s trailer.

So how about we put down our roadside bombs and Kim Jong-Ils and raise a pint of lager to the end of dinosaurs. We could probably pop this one sometime in June. Seems like a good time for it.

American Legend Holiday – Colonel Sander’s Last Stand

Custer’s Last Stand is so 1800s, am I right? Dude viciously slaughtered a boatload of people and not only did he get a sweet monument in South Dakota, he also got a delicious frozen treat named after him. Son of a bitch.

Colonel Custer might’ve been a sweet dude, but I know of a better Colonel deserving of a holiday all his own. This cat straight up revolutionized the game. The chicken game, the goatee game, the white suit game and the 11 herbs & spices game. All while dampening the panties of countless American honeys.

Colonel Mofuckin Sanders.

Get this legend a holiday. Fuck Columbus Day, all he did was discover the new world. Puh-lease. Any bum on the street could be the first person to sail to America. Try creating a chicken empire from the ground up.

Columbus Day. Colonel Sanders Day.

Now somebody get this hodgepodge of holidays on one of the Presidential Candidate’s platforms. We want CHANGE.

Note: massive historical inaccuracies are of little importance to The Mime.

-JD