How Did They Even Make It This Far?

13 03 2013

First off I gotta throw out a little apology to my main man JD and all the loyal followers of the Underrated Hottie. Unbeknownst to me, you guys had already gotten the low down on that stone cold fox Gina C back in May of last year. Wasn’t trying to steal your thunda big dog, though I will say she certainly is of the caliber worthy of a second look. In fact, if anyone wants to do a little compare and contrast on our mild obsession with the woman warrior, here is his briefs-crowding wisdom:

https://theoffdutymime.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/underrated-hottie-i-just-remembered/

Ok, I’m gona go out on a limb here and try and break in a new on going category for the mime, so let me know what you think. This list could go for days and days and will feature some of the DUMBEST human beings to ever have walked God’s green earth. I know, I know, how will we ever choose, right? Well, it will be tough but luckily there is no shortage of inspiration for this one and your friends here at the mime are willing to roll up our shirt sleeves and sift through the shit for ya to find the true gems.

If your one of those people who thinks it bad form to speak ill of the dead then fair warning, this list will not be for you. But think about it, if you are on the level of shire idiocy as the sorry sacks who’s names end up appearing below, without a doubt at some point your moronic behaviors will lead to your demise. And this is America after all, we love poking fun at other peoples shortcomings. So buck up.

Without further ado here we go.

Having the distinct honor of being our first ever character that natural selection should have stripped from this world a long, long time ago we have… Drum roll please…

coke1

That’s right, its Natasha Harris; everyone’s favorite ‘coke head’ and no I’m not talking about those delicious nose clams that rhyme with propane here, Coca-Cola was her drug of choice. Yep, she actually managed to drink herself to death on soda pop. And before you wisenhimers jump all up in my grill, no Coke is not putting cocaine in their product again. But that would be ammmaaizzziiing!

However, this is old news, well her death is at least, but it has recently been brought up in a new light due to a coroner’s findings that this mother of 8 who met her maker back in 2010 was addicted to the sugary beverage.

Let me be clear here on what I mean by “addicted” cause we aint talking a few cans a day or any sort of equivalency to you so called “caffeine addicts” still chugging along with us today. This New Zealander would throw back more than two gallons of polar bear syrup a day! Yea you read it right, A DAY! But c’mon GBz, she was a big ol gal, she could probably handle her intake, right? Meh, I’m no doctor, but apparently she also mixed in a few packs of cigs and had a food intake similar to that of a Sudanese orphan. Jesus, maybe eat a Big Mac every now and again and you wouldn’t have to fuel up on straight diabetes to stay awake you loon! Might not be the best example but you get what I’m sayin.

What did Natasha have to show for her addiction? Well, she had developed cardiac arrhythmia, an enlarged liver, her teeth had been removed because of decay and she had heroin addict like withdrawals that would even turn violent when she couldn’t get her carbonated fix. And of course, there is the biggy- a ticker that quit on her at age 31. What the hell did you think was going to happen woman?

However, this coroner that did the autopsy seems like hes a few eggs short of a dozen himself. He doesn’t think that Coca-Cola should be held financially responsible for Harris’ death, obviously; though some type of frivolous law suit attempt will surely come out of this. He does suggest the Coke consider putting a warning label on its drinks.

Buddy, what would that actually accomplish? Clearly this woman was straight up illiterate because even a pre-schooler can read the god damn health chart pyramid.

coke2

See that word near the top next to sugar-“sparingly” yea, either she needed an updated version of Webster’s or this cow just flat out couldn’t read. However, those fancy book learned types who threw this chart together thought of those special few among us who still can’t get a grasp on the kings english as well. The food groupings are arranged by size!!! If you can’t figure that out, no warning label on the side of a can is going to help.

And regardless of education or literacy level, if you don’t think there is a direct correlation between consuming 11 times the recommended amount of any substance every single day of your life and your laundry list of health problems, then well, you deserve to be either locked up or put 6 feet under. Bottom line. Certainly your kids didn’t deserve the self inflicted early departure of their mother though, bitch. See, here at the mime we do have a heart:)

If she couldn’t put two and two together then how the hell did she even get that far in life, that’s what I want to know.

A little common sense people! That’s all we’re asking for!

Ok
-GBz





The McRib: An Inside Look

18 12 2012

ribwich

Yesterday McDonald’s announced the return of the mighty McRib sandwich to their menus, causing a nationwide “the McRib is back eh? Again? Wait did it ever leave? Whatever, probably won’t buy one”. What was once a fast food urban legend, appearing every once in 20 years only to sleek back into the shadows, now seems to be on sale more than ever. Didn’t McDonald’s bring the McRib back this time last year too? I’m starting to lose track, not that I was keeping track to begin with.

In celebratory fashion, Yahoo Finance posted an article titled ‘11 Amazing Facts about the McDonald’s McRib‘. Since I have nothing important to do ever, I read the whole thing. First of all, kind of weird Yahoo Finance is writing amazing fact articles about the McRib. Figured they’d be analyzing low interest rates or discussing how the NASDAQ activity from last thursday but whatever. Not my job to critique the fine folks at Yahoo Finance. Second, is the McRib honestly popular enough to keep bringing it back, again and again? Is it actually like that Simpsons episode where the Krusty Burger Rib-Wich has a cult following like the Grateful Dead? It can’t be, right? I’ve had the McRib before, it mostly tastes like a bag of dongs.

 

Well let’s take a look at all 11 “amazing” facts and see if we can learn a thing or two about the McRib.

1. The McRib came out because of a shortage of chickens.

Not surprising in the least. Ah fuck, we’re out of chicken nuggets, what do we do? Here, put this nasty pork slab on a bun. Boom, McRib. Honest question though, how was there a shortage of chickens in this country? I’m no chicken farmer, but from what I’ve heard there are like a zillion chickens per state.

 

2. The McRib was inspired by Southern BBQ. 

Because nothing reminds me of authentic home-cooked Southern BBQ like a juicy McRib.

 

3. The McRib is a product of “restructured meat technology.”

Apparently it’s made from a mixture of tripe, heart and scalded stomach. Huh. Totally know what all of those are. I like stomach, but only if it’s scalded, under cook that stomach and you can bet your ass I won’t touch it.

 

4. The whole process of fresh pork to frozen McRib takes about 45 minutes. 

Seems a little high. How does grinding up a pig, pouring it into a McRib mold and cryogenically freezing it take 45 minutes?

 

5. The entire McRib sandwich contains about 70 ingredients – including a flour-bleaching agent used in yoga mats. 

Azodicarbonamide, to be specific. Good to know though, if I don’t finish my McRib at least I can toss er on the ground and do a couple three-legged downward facing dogs. Get my heart rate back down.

 

6. The McRib debuted in 1981, disappeared in 1985, and has resurfaced from time-to-time since 1994.

Very rich history indeed, but like I said “resurfaced from time-to-time” should read “rears its ugly head pretty much every year like clockwork”.

 

7. Individual restaurants can actually order the ingredients for the McRib at any time. 

Thank sweet baby jesus they don’t though, amiright?!

 

8. McDonald’s keeps the McRib scarce because the sandwich’s entire brand relies on it. 

This might be the most mind boggling part of the McRib phenomenon. People seriously go nuts for this sandwich. The minute it goes on sale, there are people in line screaming and hollering to get their hands on one. Whatever tickles your fancy I guess, but why pick the McRib? How about the McGriddle? Let’s bring that back once every five years.

 

9. It’d be incredibly difficult for McDonald’s to create more McRib-esque products, because that cult-like following is so hard to replicate. 

Really? I’d bet they absolutely could do it again. If they got an entire “cult” of people to live and die by a restructured pork sandwich that tastes like Phil Collins’ grundle. They should be able to make a new sandwich that actually tastes awesome and have it gain an even bigger following no problem.

 

10. There’s also speculation that the McRib is really just a big commodity trade by McDonald’s. 

Apparently whenever the McRib reappears, hog prices are conveniently low as shit. Hmm, interesting. I will say this is venturing into the financial realm, one which your boy JD isn’t too familiar. So I’m going to back away slow, and pretend I didn’t read the word ‘commodity’. Not trying to get sucked into a ponzi scheme. You can never be too careful.

 

11. Animal rights group sues McRib meat supplier over inhumane treatment of pigs. 

Don’t pigs thrive in inhumane conditions? Last I checked pigs love rolling around in their own piss and shit and sleep best all piled on top of each other with dead pigs at the bottom. Better lumbar support for em. Saw it in a documentary once. So shut your yappers PETA and keep in mind those piggies are about to be super tasty McRibs.

 

There you have it. 11 amazing facts. Was your mind blown? Is your jaw on the floor right now? Probably not considering almost every one of those facts was incredibly predictable. What’s that? The McRib has some unnatural ingredients in it? NO WAY. The McRib is scarce for a reason? Whaa? I think the bottom line is a big congrats to McDonald’s is in order. You continue to sell people an absolutely terrible sandwich, and you do it with class. Bravo. So to all the mime compadres, go out there and grab yourself a McRib. Remember, they’re only around for a limited time!

 

– JD





OW: A Better List of Terrible Things That Must End In 2013

12 12 2012

stop_figure

As I’m killing the first half hour of the day this morning running through my usual rolodex of websites, I noticed a little list on Gawker called ’22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013′. Seemed like a clever idea for an article, so I read it. Well surprise, surprise, the list sucked.  Shocking since apparently it was written by some guy named Cord Jefferson. Sweet name bruh. Chances are you suck when your name is something you can buy at Home Depot. Whatever, I’m not going to sit here and bash this dude’s name, what’s more important is his half assed list of “terrible” things that need to end in 2013. For starters, about half the stuff on the list isn’t even that bad. For example, he includes Dubstep, parody twitter accounts and talking about bacon. Ummm holmes, those are three pretty sweet things right there. Let’s take it easy on dubstep, and Skrillex in particular, dude just broke up with Ellie Goulding, he’s an emotional mess. Parody twitter accounts are freaking hilarious, take the recently created modern day Seinfeld one for example, and talking about bacon will never get old. Ever.

Here’s the deal, if you’re going to create a list of terrible shit that needs to end, you’ve got to include some actually terrible stuff that needs to end. Seems like a no brainer, but I guess when you’re named after an orange electric rope I use to plug in my christmas lights you might miss something big like that. And I’ll admit, Cordless Drill Jefferson had a few good ones in there. I wholeheartedly agree with exterminating toe shoes and the word swag from the face of the earth. But you’ve got to stay consistent, Corduroy Bear.

So to make things right in the internet universe, once again the Mime is here to save the day. What the fine folks at Gawker could not accomplish, the league of extraordinary gentlemen at TODM sure has hell can. So here’s a better list of terrible things that need to end in 2013. Read it and weep, planet earth.

1. The World

Environment__POST_APOCALYPSE_by_I_NetGraFX

Let’s get this one out of the way first. I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all fucked. Those crafty Mayans and their calendars and pyramids and sun gods better be goddamn right about the apocalypse. Either send Bruce Willis up there to blow up the asteroid before it smashes us all to pieces or just end this shit. Preferably with zombies. I really want to cap some zoms.

2. Dr. Pepper Commercials

Dr Pepper

We get it already. There’s 23 fuggin flavors in each can of Dr. Pepper. You’re not fooling anyone with this whole I’m one of a kind bullshit campaign. No, you’re not one of a kind. You work at Jiffy Lube. You just chugged a Dr. Pepper because it was the only thing left in the vending machine, not because it helps express your individuality. Never thought I’d say this, but go back to those Pauly Sr. commercials. I want to see his handlebar mustache murder a kid over soda.

3. Mice

gay-mice

Does anyone like mice? I mean besides owls and foxes because they eat them. They basically just scurry around and get into mischief and nibble through furniture. Not trying to waste my money on a bunch of mouse traps so I can murder them and throw them in the trash. Instead let’s gather hands around the world and wipe these squeaky bastards off the face of the earth.

4. The New Normal

new-normal

Ahh fuck, we’re NBC and we just realized Modern Family is all successful and shit because it embraces the new type of family complete with divorces and step kids and gay dudes. Hey here’s an idea, let’s copy the fuck out of it and emphasize the gay thing and the bitchy queen bee mom. Yeah! People will love it! Hell of a show. Oh wait. Not at all. Here’s the truth NBC, I see a 30 second spot for this show and next thing I know I’m on google typing in ‘how to buy a bucket of poison’.

5. Hummus

hummus

Has anyone ever sat back and actually tasted hummus? Tastes like flavorless oatmeal with sand in it. I’m convinced the only reason why chicks like it so much is they can dip delicious tasting crackers in it because it has very low trans fats. Newsflash ladies, the crackers taste good enough to overpower the ass taste of hummus. Arabs should stick to jihad and death to infidels and give up the hummus game.

6. Sideline Reporters

Andrea Kraemer

Deadspin had a great article on this a while back. They literally serve no purpose. None. The only exception is the hot ones, and even they’re numbers are dwindling. EA is an in-studio host on Fox now, Alex Flanagan is real hit or miss and Sam Steele is like the only one holding it down on ESPN any more. Hey guys, I asked the coach what they had to do differently to get back in this game, he said they have to limit turnovers and be more effective on offense, back to you!  Even worse is when they do the multi screen to interview an injured athlete on the sidelines. Yo Michele Tafoya, trying to watch this big 3rd and 8, not hear about James Harrison’s pre-game meal rituals.

7. $5.00 credit card minimums

5-Minimum-Charge-on-Credit-Card-Purchases

Here’s the deal Sandra at Citgo, I’m just trying to buy this diet coke so I won’t fall asleep in this conference call I’m about to go into and all I have on me is plastic. Not trying to throw two snickers and a pack of Parliaments in there to reach the minimum, it’s goddamn 7AM. Just take my damn business and then you can go back to talking on the phone about last nights episode of TMZ.

8. Christmas Shoes

christmas shoes

First of all, Patton Oswalt said it best. I can’t compete with that. Seriously though, it’s been like 12 years, I’m fairly certain nobody likes this song anymore. At first it was all, oh the little boy is buying shoes for his dead mom, its so touching! Now it’s like, holy christ this song sucks. We get it, the dude wasn’t in the Christmas mood so god sent the little boy to remind him what christmas was all about. Who deliberately puts this song on during the holidays anyways?? Fuck that Nat King Cole album, let’s toss Christmas Shoes on repeat, that way we’ll really get in the holiday spirit. 

9. Women Wearing These Hats

fidelhatblack

Last I checked, that style hat doesn’t even look good on my great uncle and he’s a goddamn Vietnam Vet. Ladies, plain and simple this type of hat looks flat out stupid. Like I’ve never seen a girl wearing one and been like, wow! That military style hat really makes her sexy. I like how I can’t see her eyes and I’m wondering at this point if she’s in ROTC. Hot. Standard baseball caps are cool, in fact some girls look really sexy in those. Military caps however, not so much.

10. Bob Costas on SNF

costas-johnson-sanctimony

He’s a broadcasting legend, I get it. Cool. Whenever the Olympics come around, get Bob on TV. I’m fine with that. Just please get rid of his pointless, smug halftime speech segment during Sunday Night Football. Adding Hines Ward to the mix hasn’t helped much either. Sweet Bob, you’re pissed about the Saints Bounty sanctions. Nobody cares. Go back to Coach Dungy and the gang in studio for ten minutes and let’s get back to football. No need for Bobby C’s infinite douchey-ness clogging up my TV.

11. 26.2 and 13.1 Bumperstickers

26.2btrtsmalloval

 

I’m not even going to hate on marathon runners for this one. If you want to pay money to run so far you nearly kill yourself, get a shiny medal then brag about it to all your pals then go for it. But cut it out with the bumperstickers. I have a basic understanding of marathons. A marathon is 26.2 miles. A half marathon then is 13.1 miles. Don’t need to be Asian to crunch those numbers. So unless that 26.2 stands for number of hoagies you ate last night, nobody gives a shit.

12. Gotye

gotye-gq_jpg_630x362_q85

 

If anyone on planet earth still likes this guy they should be thrown in a volcano. You’re song blows dude. Ease up on the xylophone and please, please, please don’t make any new music. I’m begging you.

13. Skinny Ties

bowie-skinny-tie

 

I’m still cool with skinny jeans. I don’t rock them myself, but I appreciate a good pair. It says I’m cool but at the same time I’m not at all. I like that. Skinny ties on the other hand need to go. Sweet dude you have a black fettuccini noodle hanging from your neck. How bout grow a pair and get a bugs bunny tie like the rest of us normal people.

14. Hacky Sacks

hacky-711901

 

Nothing against hack’n it up every now and then, just thinking hacky sacks have probably run their course by now. Hey wanna kick around this knit sack of pebbles with me? Nah, I’d rather do pretty much anything else. Alright cool.

15. Panini Makers

Panini Maker

 

I know like 7 people who’ve received a panini maker as a gift in the last few years and I’ve literally never seen any of them use it. Just kind of take up space. In reality, they’re kind of lame. Plus, not trying to take biz away from the panini maker people but check it guys – George Foreman grills work the exact same way.

 

I think 15 is a nice solid sounding number to end on. So take that, Cord. Now let’s hope that if the world doesn’t end in like 9 days, at least maybe a few of those 15 things will. Chances are slim, but I can dream can’t I?

 

– JD





Entrepreneur of the Month: Charles Shumanis III

8 11 2012

The face of a Lobster mogul.

Usually for the Entrepreneur of the Month segment, we like to feature a pro athlete, musician or movie star who’ve recently taken on a new business venture that’s sure to make them a boatload of extra cash. This week, we were forced to call an audible at the EOTM line of scrimmage when I stumbled upon the story of a man with one of the greatest entrepreneurial spirits we’ve ever seen. This man, Charles Shumanis III, used his crippling drug habit to single-handedly revolutionize the seafood industry.

Sadly, just a few hours ago America found out Shumanis was sentenced to 25 years in prison for his actions, but let’s not muddy up this EOTM with a silly little quarter-century prison sentence. The man is a visionary.

For those not up to speed on the this business legend, let me quickly fill you in. Born and raised in Pennsylvania, Charles developed a massive drug habit at some point during his life. It’s unclear when, but we’ll assume it was real early on. After jumping from job to job for years, Charles eventually found himself unemployed, 47 years old and in need of some dope in a major way. It was at this point that he made a life-altering decision that’s bound to change the way junkies illegally acquire drugs forever. He began stealing lobsters and other various seafoods and meats from grocery stores and super markets around the Allentown, PA area. The details get a little loose here, but we can assume he then hatched a plan to then sell these lobsters at below market price, and use the earnings to load up on a shitload of sweet drugs. Police say Shumanis used this tactic on numerous occasions, including a botched attempt that featured a carjacking, before he was eventually caught with $350 worth of lobsters in his coat, leaving a supermarket. Nobody knows exactly how many lobsters Charles stole and slanged on the block, but I think we can all assume it was quite a few.

At this point you’re probably thinking to yourself, hey JD, this sounds more like a dumbass coke head stealing seafood so he can buy the next 8 ball than an Entrepreneur of the Month. Wrong. Pump the breaks. Let’s examine the facts here, guys.

What do people love more than fresh lobster? Low priced fresh lobster. Bingo. And I don’t know about you guys, but when I buy my seafood I prefer to get it fast from druggie drifters in trench coats standing right outside the market than waiting for hours in line at the seafood counter while some lady can’t decide how many pounds of shrimp she needs for Backgammon night. So from the start, Charles had a leg up on traditional seafood purchasing. Plus, you know a forward thinking businessman like Charles probably threw deals together like buy two lobsters, get a stolen ham for free. Buying from him was basically a no brainer. He instantly created demand. Dude cornered the Allentown seafood market within minutes.

But, we’ve got to take a look at this from a junkies perspective too. I’ve never been addicted to crack, so I can only hypothesize, but from what I’ve heard most junkies pressed for cash resort to one of three things: begging, armed robbery or selling their body. Charles said fuck it and re-wrote the shit out of the junkie handbook. Hey guys at the dope house, have fun slobbin knob for nickels, I’ll be over here pushin top of the line snow crab like a G. And when you get down to it, that’s the type of outside the box thinking that makes entrepreneurs successful. How can I do it better? How can I give people what they want differently? But most importantly, how can I make enough money to buy a duffel bag blow and not get mouth-AIDS in the process? The answer to all three of those questions my friends, was seafood thievery.

Unfortunately, some of America’s greatest thinkers are also the most persecuted. You can’t rewrite the script without incurring a few risks. Look at Gordon Gekko. He did 25 hard years, but came back better than ever, minus a hefty case of throat cancer. Charles may be heading in for a while, but the most important thing is the impact he had on the outside. Don’t be surprised when your neighborhood hobo stops begging and starts offering inside deals on fresh seabass.

So there’s a lesson to be taken in the story of Charles Shumanis III, kiddos. That lesson is an important one. If you find yourself strapped for cash and in need of some crack, just steal seafood.

– JD





Overreaction Wednesdays: PETA

13 06 2012

Holy nips! Another Wednesday comes and (almost) goes and yah brethren JD McBreakfastfood is left to supply loyal Mime champions with an OW all by hisself. Same shit different day I guess. Tell you what, I think I know how it feels to be lost at sea by myself. All alone, floating on my airplane seat cushion. My friends took a different flight and are probably crushing Coronas and slamming strange beef in Cancun by now. Sharks start circling their newest prey. Immediately I shit myself. It’s a rough feeling, but I think you get the picture.

Well if Larry The Cable Guy taught me anything in life it’s that you got to git er dun. Can’t stop and sob violently near the roses. Gotta keep moving onward and upward like Simba did in the Lion King. Alright, enough of this boring ass talk. Let’s get into it mayne.

Today’s OW seems a little overdue on my end. That is unless you’re like my new roommate and are a ‘sometimes-vegetarian’. In that case, Balls, if you’re reading this cut your losses and stop now. I really don’t want to find a bunch of educational pamphlets on recycling and spinach in my bed this weekend.

PETA. One of America’s gayest organizations ever formed. Some say a pack of bored sheep thought up the idea on the eve of their slaughter and the rest is history. Alright, nobody says that. But the point is PETA has been fighting a sort of pointless fight for quite a while now. Not to knock PETA or anything, but you were formed in a country built on the foundation of slaying animals and feasting on them. Your platform is don’t eat animals in a country who’s national slogan might as well be “Land of the Free and the Home of the Whopper“. Most people could tell you right off the bat in a scenario like that, success is going to be limited. But PETA’s stuck around, gained a few large breasted celebrity spokespeople, and surprisingly made some moderately noticeable moves. Sure, they’re about more than just eating animals with their official slogan, “animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment”. True, however what are animals for if not those things? Living in harmony with? Playing legos with? Changing my oil? I for one don’t really want to live in harmony with bears.

I guess, despite my previous statements, I’ve sort of always been indifferent towards PETA. Like, you go do your thing and eat tree bark for breakfast, test erection meds on robots, sit in cloth seats and wear clothes made from milk cartons. I’ll be over here crushing a bison steak, testing my new strain of super Cialis on rats, sitting in uber comfy leather sofa and rocking my rare fox headdress.

Then they dropped this super douche PSA video the other day and I nearly spit out my lamb shoulder…

 

Well tweeze my nip and call me Randy Jackson. (If you’re keeping track at home that’s two nip mentions in the same post)

I’d like to first meet the man that created this ad and filet a King Salmon and eat it at his dinner table. Then, I’d like to ask him what kind of bath salts he was snorting when he thought up this video. The kind from Bath and Body Works? I mean how can you even begin to compare any one of those things to a fish being somehow still alive in what looks to be a restaurant kitchen and not being able to scream for help? I thought fish were dead on arrival and then immediately thrown in the freezer? Maybe use a lobster and it’d be more realistic. That’s not the point. So human trauma from sexual assault = a largemouth dying on a cutting board? Not so sure about that. Plus, lets think for a minute if fish could actually speak. Holy lord fishing would be a terrible sport. Reeling a Walleye in the boat and the fish is just cussing your ass out and loud as fuck. Probably bring more guns fishing I guess would be the solution to that. The only talking fish I know is Big Mouth Billy Bass. Dude was pretty brutal on the annoying scale. I think I set mine on fire after about 20 minutes. So PETA, imagine a zillion Big Mouth Billy Bass then rethink that video. Seems a little extreme. Plus, even fish eat fish. I don’t think they care all that much.

 

– JD





Rate That Food Joint with Gary Breadsticks

31 05 2012

Meet Gary H. Breadsticks.

 

Gary is a close friend of the Mime/Olive Garden aficionado/Scout leader/single father. Dude’s the total package. Any ladies out there doll yourselves up and get in line. Gary’s been laying his mack down at the Hart Park Senior Center for about two decades. So many notches on his bed post it looks like a family of beavers gnawed it to oblivion. He likes em older, I don’t know what to tell ya. Well, in between raising three young boys, slaying ethnic puss, grooming his legendary ‘stache and leading Den 103, Gary also likes to eat. He considers himself a bit of a food connoisseur. Thing is, Gary rarely goes to what most of us would consider ‘fancy’ restaurants. Not his style. He’d rather hammer down a Whopper and fries. I can dig that because, frankly, screwhouse those spots. The portions are too small, you have to lay your napkin on your lap and chances are your waiter is going to laugh at your pronunciation of  Blanquette de Veau.

 

The other day Gary tossed me this email.

 

JD,

Hows it going brother. Nice addition with the movie critic guy is a well written sonofabitch and pretty funny too. One quick thing though, I love Freddy Got Fingered so tell him to take back everything he said bad about that movie or I’ll find his house and do some bad stuff to it. Not illegal stuff but like throwing pebbles at his siding. Does he want slightly dented siding?? Anyways wheres your food critic at? Foods way more important than movies you cant survive on just watching movies everyone knows that. You can survive on beef jerky and mouthwash though I learned that in Nam. Just kidding I didn’t go to Nam. I did survive on beef jerky and mouthwash for a weekend once though. Back in community college I think it was. Broke my foot and my roomate went to Des Moines for a long weekend. Back to the food critic thing. Heres my proposal to you – I’ll write reviews on everyday restaurants and you can post them for me. My dial up internet sucks and I’m too lazy to go digital. Basically I’ll let you know if the place serves shitsteak or good chow. Deal?

Gary

 

Can’t say no to a face like that. Plus I’ve seen this guy at a Red Lobster. Never seen so many back to back surf n turfs. Couldn’t keep track. Wait is he surfing or is he turfing? Both? Is that possible? So join me in welcoming Gary Breadsticks as the common man’s  restaurant critic. Chances are he’ll be writing the majority of his reviews with help from his dog and his punctuation sucks balls. But it’s the effort that counts. Below is his first review of Panera Bread.

PANERA BREAD

When I pulled up to this place I first thought why am I here again? Bread shops are for suckers. Then I thought there sure are a lot of gays in this parking lot. Add about four more butt pirates and a couple crying babies to the total once I stepped inside. Turns out for a place that sells mainly soup and salads it’s not that terrible. Their panini selection was legit and their soda cups are clear which was a nice touch. Kinda pissed me off when they asked me if I wanted to add any item from the bakery for 99 cents. Ah yeah bitch, I’ll add four items thank you very much. Didn’t get this hourglass figure by saying no to questions like that, christ. Lumbar support on their booths was piss poor but my food was passable. I ate the steak and cheese panini. A hot older woman winked at me I think or maybe it was a piece of lint in her eye no I think it was a wink. Nice. Grade: B

Gary

– JD





Dreams of Kid JD: Crushing Supermarket Sweep

12 04 2012

Just this morning I’m bustin balls at my desk at TODM headquarters when I get a badass gift in the mail. A friggin Sunny D mousepad. I can’t think of a better way to promote a delicious fruity beverage while at the same time padding my mouse as I navigate the interwebs. Genius marketing by Sunny D.

Even before I can fully admire my new pad, our resident attorney, Furmursk Esquire, emerges from a long night of desperately trying to find an upper edge in our most recent public urination case. Dude starts chirping about how Sunny D makes regular orange juice taste like a glass of sadness. I thought about it for a second and realized it was true. Sunny D changed the drink game for good. I mean who wants a glass of freshly squeezed OJ when you can pound an easy-to-open bottle of artificial ingredient infused nectar?

Now I know for a fact Sunny D wasn’t the only specialty item that made regular food and drink suck wang. 90s food marketers were ruthless. They knew our generation of kids were twice as dumb and thus twice as likely to demand their products when Mom goes to the grocery store next. Yeah, we knew tobaccy is wacky (if you’re a teen) and “If each night you floss, then you’re a boss” but last I checked in 97′ if it tasted delicious it was in hot demand. Unfortunately, Mamma McGriddle always hit the veggie section way harder than I hoped for. Most days I’d be lucky to find a half opened packet of Fun Dip spot welded to the bottom of a four-pack of pork chops when she got home.

Made me want to handle the grocery shopping on my own.

Maybe the dude, JD, was a weird kid and fantasized about stupid stuff, I don’t know. Straight up though I remember wishing I could hide in the frozen meat aisle while the grocery store closed and then have free reign on everything in the store in the middle of the night. Parents free. Better yet, get on that game show, Supermarket Sweep and get a cart full o awesome shit.

I got my money on the bitches in the yellow.

 

Don’t remember much from those shows except for the chicks that b-lined it for the meat aisle and filled their cart up with 16 honey baked hams. I mean yeah HBH’s are delicious not going to argue on that noise, I’d just do things a little differently.

Hypothetically, if 8 year old McGridd could’ve made it on an episode of Supermarket Sweep here’s how things would’ve gone down:

Step 1. You gotta strategically choose your partner. To quote Warren G, “can’t be any geek off the street. Gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn yo keep.” I’d probably roll with Carl Lewis. Dude could long jump from aisle to aisle with me on his back.

Step 2. Size up the competition. Chances are there’s going to be a couple hefty gals, maybe an old dude or two. Need to pick out any ringers, hoes with knives, etc.

Step 3. Bribe the host. In the 90s this was Dale Ruprecht. Guy screams Rotary Club member. Just tell him I donated some coin to the March of Dimes I bet he’ll put a couple extra seconds on the clock.

Step 4. Punch out the other contestants. This is why I went with Carl Lewis. Dude should be able to superman punch everyone while I bolt off to the candy aisle with the cart. He’s a gold medal sprinter so he’ll catch up.

Step 5. Go for the following items:

4 boxes of Dunkaroos

10 jugs of Sunny D

Eggo Waffles out the ass

1 pot roast

12 cases of Surge

Bagels

Pizza Bagels

Pizza Rolls

Pizza Lunchables

Lamb shanks

1 tub of Pik-Nik Shoestring Potatoes

As many War Heads as you can fit in Carl Lewis’ mouth

Step 6. Don’t even go back to the start. At this point the contest is over. I might’ve even won but its not worth it. Take the cart and bolt out of the store ASAP. Carl Lewis’ people should have a handicap access VW Eurovan idling in the parking lot. Load that cart up on the ramp and floor it home.

Step 7. Move to Mexico. At this point I’ll probably be wanted by the law. Quick note should be able to explain to my folks why I won’t see them for a good 12 years. I’d probably change my name to Ronathen Samuels. Good news is all that awesome food I just hot pieced should last a few days weeks.

Step 8. Reveal my real identity many years later, after the legal dust has settled of course. Maybe send an anonymous letter as the legendary ‘Supermarket Sweep Bandit’ or something. Chances are chicks will be rock hard for an outlaw. Pick the hottest one, settle down and pop out a few McGriddle jrs.

Step 9. Write a memoir. Make millions. Adopt a family of squirrels. Retire in Sun City West, AZ.

As you can see, its nine simple steps to a life of success, being a badass and absolutely dominating Supermarket Sweep. Probably going to sit the next few plays out, though. It is now clear to me that this blog was a stretch and a half.

-JD