Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





The Brow Jones is up 300 points

26 06 2012

Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce! Your face! Its like an ancient Chinese emperor mated with a wicker basket.

 

I know, I know that title is a stretch and a half. It’s like a stock market reference and so, given he’s about to be drafted number one overall his stock is risin….ahh fuck it. Get off my meat helmet, it’s Tuesday and my creativity is at an all time low. Essentially, I figured The Mime has yet to sound off on America’s favorite uni-brow, Mr. Anthony Davis. Which direction am I going to take it, you ask? Well I could say that dude makes Beetlejuice look like Tyrese Gibson. I could also go out on a limb and say if Anthony passed out at a party with his shoes on, whoever grabbed the nearest sharpie for some face drawings would probably instead use it to stab their eyes out for fear of staring directly into that mug. I mean there’s no way you could make it any worse. A hastily written ‘sex hole’ on his cheek with an arrow pointing left would for sure be an upgrade. I could even trash his teeth by saying, oh I don’t know, I’m pretty sure one is growing out of his goddamn tongue! Jesus and Ezekiel must’ve been late for a 8:14 tee time at Whistling Heavens Irish Course when crafting up Anthony’s face, because it’s just a train-wreck up there.

Yet, for some reason (could be that he’s unreal sick nasty at the game of basketball) A-Dave don’t care one bit that he looks like the cyclops from Homer’s Odyssey. In fact, he straight up embraces it like a mother flippin fiend. Dude even went as far as trademarking his signature look and catch phrases for fear of others copying them. He’s quoted as saying, “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it.”

First and foremost, Anthony, buddy I think your signature look is safe. A) Aside from the weird cashier at Jimmy John’s down the street, you’re about the only cat anyone knows that rocks a uni-b and B) You’re 12 foot eleven. If we gave Bear Grylls a billion yen and told him to spend the rest of his life searching the world over for someone or something that looks like you, he wouldn’t even come close.

Secondly, I have to say I can totally get down with Mr. Davis’ business savvy here. He knows what his strengths are and he plays on them like a tiny mouse plays a miniature fiddle. By that I of course mean he uses them well. The unibrow probably started as an ‘I’m too young to control my above-eye hairs yet and I’ve already hit puberty’ thing. Then since he was, from what I imagine, slaying vicious box as a stud on the AAU bball circuit at a young age, he didn’t ever shave it. If it ain’t broke, why fix it?  Next, he combined his signature look with the vast entrepreneurship knowledge he gained during one LONG year of schooling at the University of Kentucky and boom, registered trademarks o plenty.

So, as y’all can gather, the New Orleans Hornet’s aka The New Orleans David Sterns are going to be hemorrhaging gift shop profits right back into Anthony’s pockets. I’m talking stacks on stacks. That, or they’ll have to come up with new unibrow slogans like “How Now Uni-Brow?” or “Brow SMASH” or “Brow-er Power!” or “What Can Brow Do For You?”. Maybe not that last one, UPS might get a little pissed. Lastly, any professional athletes with unibrows better find the nearest Gillette Fusion Pro Glide and turn shaving into gliding and skeptics into believers. Oh and also clean up your wanna-be unibrow.

All in all, brilliant move by the NBA’s new pretty boy. Now any time anybody says or writes “Fear the Brow” or “Raise the Brow” you have to pay 12 bucks to Mr. Anthony Davis LLC….fuuuuuuck.

 

– JD





Best Beards In The Biz: Part II

29 03 2012

Looks like a poster for Ang Lee’s new sequel, Brokeback Mountain 2: Lost In Jew York.

 

As Ludacris once said, “Back again! Luda! Ha ha ha ha it gets meaner and meaner each time baby.”

Like Luda, we’re always gunnin for that NUMBA ONE SPOT! And everyone knows you can’t get to the number one spot without properly respec’in facial hair and all its’ glory, along the way. Sadly, it seems Best Beards in the Biz failed to hit all categories on its’ first trip round the block. Can’t have that happening. Kind of like when I do a victory lap at bar close. First run through I usually get sidetracked by most anything, really. Could be a vicious grind pit, a case of the pukies, a wayward high five, what have you. Always gotta double back and make sure I didn’t overlook any Vickie’s Secret models hiding in the corner.

So, we’re going to double down and toss ya’ll a fresh lineup of life changing facial hair. Enjoy.

 

Mutton Chops

PRESIDENT VAN BUREN – Best Crazy Man Chops

Looks like he paid a chimp to play hop-scotch on his face each morning.

WOLVERINE – Best Next Generation Chops

Mutton chopped n screwed if I do say so m’self.

ANDRE THE GIANT – Best Dead Dude Chops

He’s dead. So thats, ah, why they’re the best dead dude chops. Apart from the whole deceased thing, they’re kind of pube-a-licious. I guess Prez Van Buren could be a candidate for this one too. Oh well.

 

 

Soul Patches

APOLLO OHNO – Best My-Soul-Patch-Makes-My-Sport-Somehow-Relevant Soul Patch

I hate speed skating, but I love soul patches. As you can imagine, midday Winter Olympic television is a real mental tug of war for me.

BILLY RAY CYRUS – Best Achy Breaky Heart Soul Patch

It says “My daughter is a ho” pretty effectively.

VING RHAMES – Best ‘Don’t Question My Patch’ Soul Patch

Because if you do, he’ll track you down and murder your cat.

 

 

Neards

KYLE ORTON – Best Drunk Athlete Neard

Infinite kudos bars to drunkathlete.com for the slew of hilarious shit faced Ky Ort pics. Sweet neard, dog.

BABY BRON BRON – Best Decision Making Neard

Along with his talents, he also took his 16th century neard to South Beach.

TONY THE TIGER – Best Neck Handkerchief Neard

See what he did was he dyed his neard red and made it look like a bandana. We too smart for that ish, Tony. Everyone knows tigers don’t wear bandanas. Nice neard.

 

 

Honorable Mentions

JOHN WATERS – Best Pencil Thin Mustache

It says, “Yeah, I’ve been nude on camera. What of it?”

INDIANA JONES – Best 5 O’Clock Shadow

This bitch started growing at 11:30 AM, EASTERN STANDARD TIME MO FUGGA!

CAPTAIN CAVEMAN – Best Full Body Beard

With a beard like this, clothes are totally unnecessary.

 

Another BBITB in the books. Congrats to those who made the cut. Step your facial hair game up to those who didn’t. Had a super nasty Best Woman With A Beard photo but I’ll do everyone a favor and burn it. Happy Thursday cuzyons.

-JD





Best Beards In The Biz

24 02 2012

Facial Hair. Separating the men from the boys since God perfected the ‘wise old man’ beard all those years ago. Since wizards of folklore decided having a shimmering masterpiece hanging from your face automatically makes you good at magic. Since humans noticed goats had a pretty sweet thing going with that whole tuft of hair hanging from their chins and decided to hop on board.

Most of us can’t open a history book without being reminded of how terrible we are at growing facial hair. One quick peek at Charles Darwin’s glorious beard and I’m reminded to never attempt a no shave November again. Its like history is telling me, “Buddy, give up already. Nobody wants to see you looking like Wayne Newton shaved his ass cheeks and glued the hairs to your upper lip.” On the other hand, some of us, mostly of the Persian variety, get 5-o’clock shadows ten minutes after breakfast. Those who’s faces produce more hair than a Locks of Love factory are truly given a wonderful gift.

You see, on a whim one of these ‘Beard Connoisseurs’ can decide to perfect any number of facial hair styles.

Your chick wants a mustache ride? Give me 30 hours, babe.

You were drafted in the MLB as a middle innings reliever? Gimme a week to grow this tits goatee.

Suddenly converted to Hasidic Judaism? Lemme get those curly sideburns poppin ASAP.

It’s flat out too easy for dudes like that. Unfortunately unless you’re a lumberjack, celebrity or lovable hobo, society tends to frown upon badass facial hair. For everyone who licks corporate America’s long wang on a weekly basis, we know all too well that going into the office looking like Papa Smurf is generally frowned upon. Instead, we have to spend 16 grand per 4 Gillette Fusion razor head replacements to shave every day. Even worse, most females these days tend to go for a clean shaven man. Sure in the 70s you couldn’t get laid by a lamp shade unless you had a legit ‘stache, now-a-days acceptable facial hair styles are few and far between with the ladies. Trust me, I’ve tried them all. I guess getting batted in the face with a Scott Ian from Anthrax-esque goatee isn’t exactly a woman’s favorite thing. Weird, I know. Guess that’s just bitches for ya.

Now, as I said earlier, celebrities are an exception. Those lucky cock smooches can pretty much do whatever they want with facial hair, whenever they want.

At the Mime we are always looking to praise people for shit. That’s just how we roll. We’re freakin saints. We also like to rip on people for shit. Play devils advocate, upset some folks, get real for a minute. So in honor of me randomly noticing the OKC Thunder’s own James Harden and his magical beard last night, TODM presents:

Best Beards (and various other facial hair) In The Biz:

Top Mustaches

THIS GUY – Best Stache

Guy holds the current record for longest mustache in world. At first I thought Pauly Sr. spot welded some handlebars from one of his choppers to this guys face. Nope. Thats hair.

HULK HOGAN – Best American Stache

Guys been rockin the bleach blonde horseshoe stache for like 50 years. Probably tickled his mom on the way out.

YOSEMITE SAM – Best Ginger Stache

Mustache OG. I mean the dudes entire face is made of hair. Kind of like one of those super hairy she-wolf chicks I read about, only Sammy’s a hilarious bumbling cowboy with a heart of gold.

DAVID CROSBY – Best Walrus Stache

Had to double take and make sure this wasn’t a National Geographic picture of a walrus wearing a leather jacket. I gotta imagine eating was a struggle.

MJ – Best Somehow Acceptable Hitler Stache

I guess if you’re the greatest basketball player of all time it doesn’t matter what style you rock. I mean nobody’s gonna call out MJ to his face, he’d just 360 dunk a knife into your dick and that’d be the end of it.

EMPEROR CHENGZONG OF YUAN – Best Heroin Dealer Stache

Straight up changing the game. Dude locked the heroin dealer look down before it was even cool. I’m talking 1200s shit. Also looks like he was first to market on the fireman’s hat trend and he had the pearl earrings trend on lock. Move over Kate Middleton, theres a new fashionista in town.

Top Goatees

GUY FIERI – Best Douchey Goatee

Nothin much to be said about this porcupine fuck. I hope that he goes to the salon weekly just to get that strip down the middle bleached. “Dammit, Guy Fieri’s back for his weekly goatee re-douching, who wants to handle it this time?”

KENNY POWERS – Best MLB Closer Goatee

Words can’t justify how perfect it is. Danny Mac-B nailed the stereotype to perfection.

JA’FAR – Best Evil Villain Goatee

This exactly the type of goat that says I’m a Middle Eastern tool looking to steal your girlfriend and bore you to death with my annoying parrot. So, for Jafar it works pretty well.

BRAD PITT – Best Pretending To Be A Mountain Man Goatee

I’ll tell you one thing. Better be ready to explain your journeys to breast feed war torn Chimps in Nepal in great detail if you decide to tie off a couple strands of your goat with beads. That shit screams humanitarian. The thing is B Pitt is so cool he can do it and the entire world will be like, ohh Brad Pitt is such a compassionate human. If I tried to grow something like that I wouldn’t be able to go within 400 yards of any pre-schools.

ALEXI LALAS – Best Ginger Goatee

Dude was a US soccer stud before anyone gave a flying butt fuck about soccer (not sure if people do now, but thats not the point). Perfect isosceles triangle shape. Just goin geometric facial hair all up in Brazil’s grillstation.

JIM ROME – Best Personality Matching Goatee

I’d like to reference a Frank Caliendo Fox NFL Sunday sketch. Just a harsh goatee. That’s the best description I can give. Romey wouldn’t be the angry douche that he is without it.

Top Sideburns

GENERAL AMBROSE BURNSIDE – Best OG Sideburns

For those who paid attention in various US history classes, you should remember this legend. All that needs to be said is dude, as far as I’m concerned, was the FIRST to rock this look. Hence the name.

ELVIS PRESLEY – Best Mainstream Sideburns

If General Burnside was the pioneer, then Elvis was the poster child. Took what Ambie Burnside started, put some style on it and turned it into a revolution.

LUDACRIS – Best Suave Sideburns

Then Luda comes on the scene straight suavin out the burns marketplace. Couldn’t tell if this shit was cut or sharpied on, either way looks smoother than those And1 Silky Smooth bball kicks. (remember those shits?)

JOE DIRT – Best Redneck Sideburns

If Hulk Hogan was the American epitome of a mustache then Joe Dirt had red, white and blue sideburns out the ass. Might’ve been Davey Spade’s greatest on screen character? Joe’s got my vote.

JOE MAUER – Best Clean Cut Sideburns

Yeah, yeah Joe’s burns don’t compare, I get it. Guess what? I’m from MN so he automatically makes the list. I mean they did goddamn ‘Joe Mauer Sideburns Night‘ at the Metrodome once. Definition of crisp sideburns.

Top Beards

GRIZZLY ADAMS – Best Most Referenced Beard

Guy’s beard is stuff of legend. Everyone knows it. Shit, I don’t even know what he did, I just know he had a killer beardpiece.

FATHER TIME – Best Shimmering White Beard

Papa T’s beard is a curse and a blessing. If you look directly into it your eyes explode. Major intimidation factor but I heard he’s lacking in the friend category. Flava Flav owes this guy major props for blazing the trail for dudes who want to roll around with oversized clocks all day long.

PAUL BUNYAN – Most Dense Beard

Rumor has it a band of Ojibwa got lost near the southernmost point of his chin and were never seen again.

THE GENIE FROM ALADDIN – Best Douchey Chinstrap Beard

The Genie was a cool cat, so he could pull it off. Everyone else with a chinstrap, maybe think about not having facial hair like a fucking dickhead

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS – Best Ginger Beard

If you’re like me, up until The Hangover he was ‘the bearded dude from Out Cold who got his ween stuck in the hot tub’. Now he’s a bearded sensation. Pretty sure nobody’s ever seen him clean shaven.

BEARDED DRAGON – Best Animal Beard

Fiercest muh-fugga in the reptile kingdom. Probably the result of his BEARD MADE OF SPIKES.

What, you ask, have we learned? Facial hair rules. Simple as that. Obviously we missed some categories such as the Neard (neck beard), the Mutton Chops, the Soul Patch, etc. Stay tuned for part II. Oh and if you think we missed an obvious person, too bad. This shit is final.

-JD (with help from Sonion Rings)