Pass The What Now?

27 03 2013

Smack dab in the middle of Holy Week, a few days into Passover, and just a hop, skip, and a jump away from all those God fearing souls getting to once again openly partake in the lovely, tasty, and intoxicating things that they’ve been lying about abstaining from for the past 40 days. What a perfect time for some more ramblings from the religious correspondents desk, eh? My thoughts exactly.

Seriously though, Lent is like the half retarded offspring of New Year’s resolutions and rehab after a 7 minute teenage closet romp, think about it; it comes with twice the guilt ramifications if you can’t follow through and take care of it, or like forget it at the mall or something. But fear not ye Sunday morning sodomites, lent is not on the chopping block, this week I will be focusing on your Hebrew brethren.

Given that grizzly beards and a proficiency with numeros are not inherent traits to the men of my family, I had to do some digging to find out what this Passover thing is really about. Let me tell ya, its a pretty wacky party. Apparently, a couple years back a little dude named Moses, yep, that guy, got tired of scrapping sand out of his crack while being whipped a top a pyramid and decided to do something about it.
moses

But given his passive aggressive nature, clearly depicted here, he thought it best to just walk it off rather than throw down with an early member of what is now known as the Mossad. So he rounds up his crew, lights up a fatty and goes for a little stroll round the block to cool down. However, a mixture of short term memory loss and a powerful lust for camel’s milk causes Moses to lead his buddies on a little detour into the dessert, where they spend the next 40 years wandering around. Effectively carving in stone the rule that has been passed down through the ages; you never leave the high dude in charge of the directions. Thanks chief, now we know.

Obviously Moses needs to be celebrated for his blunderous discovery that has saved the future generations hours of aimless driving around. Well, except those two jokers in the movie who refused to just order a damn happy meal at the nearest drive through. Must not have heard this story growing up, though if memory serves they were neighbors with a couple of pot heads with ‘stein’ in their last names, thought they may have mentioned it. Nevertheless, I think I’m going to far surpass my allowed limit for stereotypes in this one, so we’ll leave trying to rationalize the chaotic decision making that comes from Asians getting behind the wheel to the professionals.

Ha, good stuff. Back to the man of the hour. How does one properly celebrate this monumental hero who buckled up and doubled the amount of coarse fragments between his cheeks for the good of us all? Most would be calling for strippers and cocaine, but no way Bubba, no amount of white girl, powdered or popping naked out of a cake, can hold a candle to what these party animals got going on.

They kick er off in the same fashion as any good bender, with a big meal; or ‘Seder’ as it is known in the Kingdom of Judah. However, the meal is prepared in a way to commiserate their ancestors who followed Stoner Jew out into the desert not knowing they would be walking for 40 years. Most of them wore through their sandals within the first week, and because of this the Jewish children are served the soles from last years back to school shoes, aka ‘Matzah’ as a way of paying homage.

Even Obama was enjoying chowin down on his old basketball sneaker earlier this week in Israel.

obama

Yum.

From there its seven more days of none stop orgy like craziness. They got pyrotechnics, sing a longs, trivia games, endurance contests, and enough distilled wheat liquor and wine to drown Ireland.

Anyone else ready to convert?

I’m Sold.

l’chaim!

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





Big Papa

8 03 2013

Ok, lets dive right into the heart of this thing. Unless your currently locked up in solitary confinement for violating state sodomy laws, you are aware that soon there will be a new pope elected to power in the Vatican. It was announced today that Tuesday, March 12th will be the start of conclave; aka the election process, for all you non church going folk, so get your bets in now. Bets? Yes, that’s right Uncle Duke, you heard me, good old John Wayne style gambling. Vegas has already set the lines, and given that on average conclave lasts for three days, the bookies are giving you till Friday the 15th to pick a winner for this all important position. However, this will not be an easy pick since there is no official list of candidates and the army of cardinals who make the selection, as always, will be sealed off from the outside world; meaning there is no such thing as an inside scoop on this one. It will be a little like trying to pick the winner of the World Series before spring training even starts, a lot can happen between now and then, and with no official rosters to base your choice on, your better off throwing darts in the dark. But of course there are a few fan favorites out there that are being rumored to be top candidates, so lets take a look at some of them:

AngeloScola

This angry bag of bones, and current favorite going off at a cool 3/1, is Angelo Scola of Italy. He currently resides as the Archbishop of Milan and is a well respected author, philosopher and theologian. Known for his openly voiced condemnation of things like abortion, genetic engineering, birth control, feminism and homosexuality. In one of his books Mr. Tolerance over here also states that he believes feminism to be responsible for homosexuality; his rational being that the more women act like men, the more men are likely to want to have sex with other men. I mean, c’mon guys; every time I see a big butch ol gal sporting a biker chain below her flannel cut off, I instantly start wanting to jump right into the next sweaty man ass that will have me, don’t you? Good God man, this backwards thinking bigot is the front runner right now? This list may get more interesting than I originally thought, so lets press on.

Cardinal_Tukson

Here we got my man from Ghana, His Eminence Peter Turkson. He goes by just “Turk” with his close friends, apparently because of his love of ‘Scrubs’ though in Ghana they only have the first season; might change his mind after 98 more hours of white American doctors whining about their problems. Yea, like they know. Originally book makers first choice after Pope Benedict XVI threw in the towel, now going off at a respectable 7/2 and a good chance to be the Catholic Church’s first ever black Pope. While sex scandals are no where near as prevalent over in Africa as they are here, don’t forget about the big A. Yes, aids and even in a country riddled with it like fleas on a hound, Petey here isn’t a fan of the rubbers. Neither am I for that matter, but for very different reasons. The Turk likes to preach abstinence, fidelity, and refraining from sex as better alternatives. C’mon Man! Live a little. Oh, wait, that’s right. Well at least let the rest of us! Although, if ever on vacation in Ghana I’d probably slap on a Jimmy hat myself.

O'Malley, Archbishop Sean

Now, here we have an American candidate, but much more of a long shot. Archbishop O’Malley is going off at a tempting 33/1 and if your a gambling man he might be someone worth putting down some chedda on. Here’s why, I mean besides the beard, this die hard Celtics fan is running on what they are deeming the “clean hands” ticket. He was dubbed this title because on three separate occasions he has been brought in to Parishes to clean up after a sex scandal. And no I don’t mean with rubber gloves and a hose. Either this man is very very sneaky, or one of the good ones and while all young corn holes around Vatican City are praying for the latter, given recent events it wouldn’t shock me to see Mr. Clean pull off a long shot victory down the home stretch.

I think that’s all for now, this will be part one of at least two, maybe more depending on how things shake out over in Rome.

Your unofficial religious correspondent,
-GBz





TODM Showdown: GILF Edition

23 07 2012

For this weeks showdown we’ve got two of Hollywood’s most lusted after GILFs going head to head.

Mary Steenburgen

vs.

Jane Seymour

If you ask me, too much hubbub often surrounds so-called ‘MILFs’ or Mothers I‘d Like-to Fingerblast Fuck, for those who’ve been living under a rock for the last 400 decades. “Oh, Sofia Vergara’s titties this… oh, Kate Beckinsale’s ass that.” As a nation, it seems we’ve become enamored with hot looking moms and somehow we’ve completely overlooked hot grandmothers, or GILFs/GMILFs. Sure the number of actually hot grandmothers is extremely low, but that just makes them more rare and thus, more HOT.

Woah there granny, hear me out.

This showdown might be the toughest one we’ve seen yet. Two legendary actresses. Both have very impressive bodies of work and, might I add, 60 year old bodies that DO IMPRESSIVE WORK. See what I did there? It’s because they both have fantastic titties. For most of us, Mary jumped in on the scene, rather late, in 2003’s Elf and 2008’s Step Brothers, while Jane had been on our radar for years with her constant Gerber Baby and Zales commercials, as the legendary, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and above all else, as ‘Kitty cat’ in 2005’s Wedding Crashers.  Both blazingly hot for their ages, but who will emerge victorious? Let’s fuckin find out!

 

Name: Often overlooked, having an attractive name can add numerous ‘hottie points’ (note: every pornstar ever).

Mary Steenburgen. Wowza. Nothing to write home to Uncle Billy about, that’s for sure. Steenburgen sounds like something a German dude  might scream in a Carl’s Jr drive-thru. It is her real name though, so I guess she gets a few bonus points for that. Jane Seymour. Hot. Super hot. Nah, it’s actually not that hot of a name, but compared to her real name (Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg) it might as well be Savannah Steele. Edge: Jane Seymour

 

Accent: Key ingredient in any hot lady souffle (cooking reference do anything in the way of laughs for anyone? No? Alright)

Mary was born and raised in Arkansas or some southern place. Jane is British. Both usually thought of as pretty hawt accents. I consider myself more of a British accent kind of feller, but what the fuck do I know? Edge: Jane Seymour

 

Personality: Shouldn’t matter all that much, am I right guys? Just kidding ladies, it totally does and stuff.

Mary seems like a pretty nice lady, she’s got that southern hospitality you know translates to being a generous GILF lover, plus being associated with Step Brothers means she’s gotta have a decent sense of humor. In real life, Jane is all about self help books and baby food and jewelry and donating your time and money to worthy causes. Boooring. Buuuut, she did let Owen Wilson feel her jugs. Edge: Mary Steenburgen

 

Memorable Hot Characters: Let’s be real, when it comes down to actresses, all us normal people only remember them for the characters they played. So yeah, this is a big one.

In the 70s and 80s Mary did a bunch of serious stuff that nobody remembers. I think she played the desperate housewife in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape but I’m not 100% on that. Fast forward a bunch of years, she played Will Ferrell’s hot, yet neglected, step-mom in Elf. Then she played Will Ferrell’s hot real mom in Step Brothers. Jane got her cherry popped by James Bond as Solitaire in Live and Let Die. Then she did some other boring stuff for a while. Then she gave countless pioneers mad Oregon Trail chubbies as Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. Then as we already covered, she reached the pinnacle of GILF status as Kitty cat in Wedding Crashers. Edge: Jane Seymour

 

Cup Size: Because, c’mon, we’re all wondering it.

Mary rolls with a respectable pair of 33Bs. Jane rocks a somewhat surprising 36B. Edge: Jane Seymour.

 

Grandmother Status: Of course, being around the age of a grandmother doesn’t necessarily mean you actually are a grandmother. Gotta be able to back up the G in GILF.

According to everyone’s favorite source, Wikipedia, Mary has one granddaughter as of January 2012. Jane has, get this, no grandchildren. Could it be? I thought with all those Gerber baby commercials she’d have a whole gaggle of grandkids. Guess not.

In a wild turn of events, front runner, Jane Seymour is disqualified. Mary Steenburgen wins!

I think I speak for us all when I say what a shock. Ted Danson you lucky son of a bee-sting. Goddamn, I hate  how much I love Becker, but goddamn if I don’t respect it. Congrats Mary, you won a limited edition TODM stuffed fox. Hold on the line, we’ll grab your info.

 

– JD





Your Guide to The World’s Hottest Accents

5 06 2012

So I’m at Mime headquarters this morning, cold calling like a freight train. Just chugging down the long and lonesome tracks of hard selling at a temperature as cold as the Rockies. Shout out to our future sponsor Coors Light. UnOfficial brew of the Mime. Grab an ice cold Coors Light today. Nothing cools you off like that rich pilsner taste. Coors Light. OfficialtrademarkCoorsLightMillerCoorsBrewingCompanyGoldenColorado. You might be surprised to learn that I consider myself a bit of a one man cortisone injection when it comes to cold calling. Just sliding into the knuckles of a company filled with rheumatoid arthritis and breathing fresh life. Loosening up joints and freeing up cash flows most firms didn’t even know existed. Just kidding I usually get a polite “go fist yourself”. Well fast forward to about 3:30 this afternoon, I’m on the phone with this sweet lil thang from South Carolina and I realized I was literally popping wood from her pronunciation of the words “take my number off your list, please”. Straight lava hot the way she said it. More than likely Phil Margera was on the other line, but it sure as hell sounded like I was chattin with April Buchanon from Eastbound & Down

Brings up an age old question that we haven’t had a chance to delve into yet. What is the sexiest accent? More importantly what is the least annoying accent? Why do all British people sound very knowledgeable in archaeology? Where do accents come from? What’s with the art-deco accent lighting in my parent’s kitchen? All valid questions, all questions I don’t know the answer to. Instead, I’m going to examine a farfetched and pointless scenario. Seems like the right direction to head in on this topic.  If you could pick a female companion based off accent alone which one would you choose? Initial inclings would point me towards choosing a good ol’ Midwestern US accent given my upbringing, but I can’t deny there are some pretty exotic accents out there.

I’d compare it to being forced to choose one condiment for the rest of your life. Like I want to keep it 100% with Ketchup but I know I’m going to get jealous of Mayo the second I make a double decker turkey sandwich and a dollop of ‘chup is my only spread option. So check this list before you pick an accent to enlist.

 

JD’s docket of hottest accents.

 

8. Inuit

Hot. No question there. Perfect for fine tuning my freestyle rap skills AND keeping rhythm in the bedroom. Tread cautiously if you’re porking an Inuit though. I’ve heard they have inside connecs with some preetty dangerous Arctic Elk gangs.

7. Chipmunk

Annoying factor would pretty much come into play instantly but you can’t deny the golden opportunities to re-enact scenes from Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked at the drop of a hat.

6. Japanese

Or maybe Chinese. I’ll just go with Asian. That is actually worse I’m being told? Ahh, whatevskis. These accents are definitely legit in terms of lack of grasp on the english language, thus I can say things like “venison locker” and “urethra” and “anal” and they’ll be in the dark still.

5. Czech

Czech out that accent. Just a little bit harsh but not quite to the point of an angry Russian wench. It says ‘I’ll sing you a lullaby but after that we can grill a couple lamb shoulders and I’ll rub you off behind my parent’s goat barn.

4. Spanish

Tried to find a sensual clip of Eva Mendes or Salma Hayek or someone saying sexy things but that’s not real life. Consuela nails a real life Spanish accent to the T. A little soft, a little hard to understand but mainly a lotta sexy.

3. Southern US

Hate to drop two clips of the same babe in one post but damn she pretty much has the hottest southern accent I’ve ever heard. Just baking biscuits and gravy and forcing premature ejacs every day of the week.

2. Australian

If you’re brain is broken and Nicky Whelan doesn’t convince you Aussies have the number two spot then maybe Steve Irwin (RIP big homey) or Koalas in the woods or Isla Fisher will.

1. British

Gotta give the number one nod to the Brits. Just too much hotness jammed into one accent for me to not make it numero uno. Alice Eve pretty much tips the scales. I now get why Vince finally wanted to settle down in Entourage. Shit, she’s probably calling him poppet and making him crumpits and tea and tossin around blowies like they’re spoonfulls of sugar from Mary Poppins. Lucky son of a snitch.

 

Honorable mentions: Brazilian, Italian, French, Onstar robot voice.

 

– JD