Please tell me Future isn’t the future

10 02 2013


Last September after finally having it with America’s fresh crop of shit-tastic rappers and their awful music, I dropped a list of my top five worst “new” “rappers”. Well guess what guys, I fugged up. Somehow I forgot to include literally THE worst of them all. I feel kind of embarrassed but hey, we all make mistakes right? So in an effort to totally redeem myself here’s a post dedicated to the artist known as Future.

If you’re thinking to yourself, who the shit is Future? I’ve never heard of this man. Hold up. You probably have heard him. Chances are you’ve heard one of his tracks and if you’re like me, you simultaneously thought “sweet lord I hope they turn this off”.

For example, here’s his most well known song

Or maybe this more-recent classic

Alright I’ll stop.

As you can tell, Future’s super smooth flow is surely the reason why he’s found success. Not to mention he totally doesn’t computerize his voice non-stop at all or anything. And his lyricism is top fucking notch.

Instead of pussy footing around the issue, I’m just going to cut to the chase and let y’all know exactly why Future sucks. Future, if you’re reading this, don’t take it personal buddy, just keep in mind you’re music is awful and maybe try and fix that. It’s called constructive criticism. Does the soul good.

First of all, the name. Just right out of the gate you totally ruin things with the name ‘Future’. Apparently members of his crew, “the Dungeon Family”, referred to him as ‘The Future’ and next thing you know, he’s called Future. Clever. And what makes things worse is the dude has a baller real name. No joke, his real name is Nayvadius Cash. Fuckin sweet name. Sweet enough to use as your rap name if you ask me. Nah, fuck it, I’m gonna go with Future. Shitty name aside, his self proclaimed sub-genre of hip hop is literally “ringtone pop”. “Where his singing and rapping are basically melded into one crockpot of shit.” Future likes to call his tracks “street bangers”, here at the mime we’d rather use the term “fucking dogshit”. I will give credit where credit is due, Future did co-write “Racks” which was a street banger. Difference there is he wrote it. Didn’t perform it.

If those two reasons aren’t enough, and you feel like Future isn’t that bad, hold up, let’s add his live performances into the equation real quick.

Here’s his performance at the BET Awards.

I know I would sound better live. I know it.

Well that’s about all I’ve got. Dudes brutal. And rumor has it his next album is loaded with big name guest appearances too. Stop encouraging him yo! If Future calls asking you to be on his joint just tell him to fuck of and eat a dick at the same. damn. time.

Let’s pray to everything that is holy that Future is not the future.

– JD




One response

4 03 2013

apparently some ppl in Mpls think he’s not so bad…or they just have no musical taste:

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