OW: Ray Lewis Retirement

2 01 2013


Earlier today Ray Lewis aka Ray muder aka Ray Ray McTacklinbitches announced he’s going to retire after this season’s playoffs. Like most people, I’m terrified of Ray and automatically respect his decision. I haven’t crunched the numbers, but from what I remember he’s been in the league since 1972 so it seems like his retirement is well overdue. Now easy, Ray, not in the sense that you can’t compete any more, instead in the sense that I think you’ve pretty much dished out enough brain damage by now. As a big NFL fan, it’s kind of sad news. I mean, he’s pretty much the last of the mohicans in terms of old school linebackers still in the league. Gone are the days of Bill Romanowski literally ripping dudes heads off, and Ray was the king of that. Sure we’ve got beasts like Clay Matthews and Patrick Willis crushing skulls, but the NFL is amidst a new era where everybody is more concerned with concussion syndromes and less concerned with watching dudes get lit the fuck up on crossing routes.

Personally, I understand that things are the way they are in the NFL now. Can’t have a generation of brain dead NFL legends suing the shit out of the league in 20 years. But a little bit of me misses the days of “He got JACK’D UP!” and watching Ed McCaffrey unconscious on the 25 yard line for the sixth time in the same season. Ray Lewis was a nice weekly reminder of that era. And soon, he’ll be gone. Left to live only in our hearts…and the archive reels of NFL Films.

So the question becomes, what does a man beast like Ray Lewis do once his football playing days are over? Dudes 37 years old. And since he’s been feasting on the souls of countless NFL scrubs since the 90s, he’s still got a lot left in the tank I guarantee you that. The standard response would be, JD, he’ll probably be an analyst or announcer for ESPN or CBS. Every big name sports personality does it. He’s also a boss at giving pump up speeches so maybe he’ll be a motivational speaker? Could be, but if I know Ray like I think I do he won’t do either of those things. Motivational speeches only work if everyone doesn’t die of fear after the speech is over and pretty sure if Ray spoke to the annual Des Moines Insurance conference he’d cause the deaths at least four fat insurance agents mid-speech.

So in usual mime fashion, we’re going to suggest a few post-NFL career paths for our pal Ray. Feel free to thumb through these, Ray, and maybe even chose two! The world is your oyster homes.


1. Street Justice Coordinator


Simple idea here. Someone robs you? Maybe your boss is a total dick? Maybe a couple dudes stole your car? Don’t bother calling 911, cops are a bunch of pussies. Instead, call up the street justice coordinator. He’ll make things right.

2. Office Linebacker

office linebacker

Terry Tate’s been out of the game for too long. Offices all across the country are in disarray. Bitches stealing food from the fridge that’s not theirs, dudes jamming the copy machine and sleeking back to their desk without fixing it. Get Ray on an office linebacker tour and he’ll straighten out America’s workplaces in no time. Fiscal cliff my ass.

3. Hippo Wrangler


All I hear about is how Hippos are the most dangerous animal in Africa. Everyone thinks they’re all hungry hungry and cute but in reality they’re chomping up little African kids left and right. Admittedly I don’t know the official statistics but from what I gather millions of African children go to fill their water jugs at the local pond and turn into hippo lunch. Forget AIDS, we’ve got a global Hippo crisis. Well not if Ray is the resident Hippo wrangler. Hippo gonna to think twice about eating villagers if Ray Lewis is lake-side ready to beat some ass.

4. Broadway Actor


I’ve never been to a musical but you can bet your white ass I’d be there in a New York minute if Ray was the lead in West Side Story.

5. Bar Douche Puncher

Bar douche

5Piece touched on it last summer, but I think it’s common knowledge that Americas bars are filled with douches. A lot of these douches are actually pretty cut up dudes. Sure, they’re basically all glory muscles and they couldn’t do anything in an actual fight, but for regular dudes like myself punching them is a risky option. And make no mistake, they all deserve a swift upper cut to the meat hole. Picture Ray on a bar tour, have him shake a few hands, sign a few autographs, punch a few douches, make $4,000 an appearance. Not too shabby an option.

6. Nickleback’s personal bodyguard


Everyone loves to hate Nickleback. We’ve been over it a million times. I bet half the population wants to murder them too. That means Chad n co. are basically walking into threat level orange scenarios everywhere they go. So far, we’ve been lucky and they haven’t been shanked. But it’s only a matter of time folks. At some point Nickle-B’s current bodyguards aren’t going to make the cut. That’s where Ray comes in.

7. Dudes Break-Up Therapist


Guys have been taking break ups real hard since the time of the Dinosaurs. That’s just a scientific fact. I blame a serious lack of effective break up therapists in our society. Nobody there to growl in your face and get you amped to bang some randos. Who better to fill that void? Get Ray in there, ditch the fish in the sea talk and go straight to the unadulterated rage in your face and you’ll forget all about Susie in no time.

8. Florida Cop


I was hesitant to suggest this one given Shaq Diesel tried it and from what I know, hasn’t had much success. But then I remembered that’s Shaq and this is Ray. Both giant black men, but Shaq is a gentle giant. Ray doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. Plus, Florida is in fucking ruins these days. Every second I turn around I hear about how shitty that state is. They need proper law enforcement from the enforcer of all enforcers.


That ought to get you started on your job search, Mr. Lewis. Don’t forget to fine tune the shit out of your resume. Employers really look at those things closely these days. It’s a cutthroat world we live in, but I’ve got faith you’ll make it in post-NFL life juuuust fine.

– JD




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