Overreaction Thursday: Squirrels

27 12 2012


This time of year everyone likes to look back at stuff. Shit, I just wrote a post on the top 15 mime posts from the last year. It’s just what we do as the year winds down. Well one of those things we like to look back on is viral videos. OMG remember that fat kid dancing on Youtube? And on and on it goes.

Well per usual, Yahoo! wants in on the action. Hey guuuuys, whatcha doin? Remembering viral videos? Cool, can I play? Is how I imagine the conversation might go. So on their homepage this afternoon was a trip down viral video lane. What viral smash hit was it, you ask? A video of a squirrel jumping out of a window! Remember that one? Yeah neither do I.

Here’s the link.

Pretty impressive jump nonetheless, but how far out of touch can Yahoo! possibly be? Pretty sure like four Asian people on tumblr have seen this vid and that’s it.

So it got me thinking about squirrels, specifically flying squirrels or sugar gliders. Seems like a good time to let the loyal Mime army in on my experience with those fuckers. So here goes.

Junior year of college I lived in an old halfway house with a bunch of degenerate hobos. Two of those hobos decided it would be really cool to get a couple sugar gliders for our house pets. If you’ve never seen a sugar glider they’re basically furry rats with wings. So they bought em, brought em home and put em in a cage in one of their rooms. Like most tiny pets, within ehhh 48 hours they were irrelevant. Nobody wanted to fuck with them for fear of getting bit, or worse, getting squirrel AIDS. It’s an epidemic, y’all. Months went by and everyone, including the dudes who own them, forgot about the squirrels. Sure they squeaked during kinky squirrel sex at night and maybe poked their head out of their squirrel sex pouch every once in a while but they never really did much.

Let’s fast forward to senior year. We move into a new house and naturally, the squirrels come with. Instead of their cage being located in this one guys room, he decided to pop it in the main hallway. I guess to dampen squirrel-loving ladies panties at parties, maybe so they don’t get lonely, I’m not sure. Needless to say, it was a terrible idea. Meanwhile, one squirrel had died but not before he impregnated the shit out of the lady squirrel. Not surprising since I’m confident he was layin squirrel pipe like all day every day. So lady squirrel has the babies and they’re tiny as shit. Then she dies or something, I’m not really sure. So we’re left with a couple baby sugar gliders squeaking their tits off, being all annoying. Well one fine day in, let’s say, early October, these squirrels figure out they can escape from the cage and have free roam of the house.

Thus beginning the squirrel invasion.

And I when I say invasion, I mean a fucking full out assault on precinct 13, if precinct 13 is our house. These fuckers get out whenever they want and go wherever they want. At this point most of you are thinking, dude they’re tiny rats with wings, who gives a shit? One swift kick of a steel toed boot and they’re dead. Right? Wrong, my friends. Turns out sugar gliders are the ninjas of the marsupial family (apparently they’re marsupials not rodents, a fact I learned on the interwebs). My room was right next to their cage and you bet your ass I had er barricaded like I was hiding Anne Frank in that bitch. First of all, these fuckers would get out and run a train on all my food. I’d have a couple bananas chilling in a bag in the pantry, I’d wake up in the morning and they’d be chewed through like a pouch of Big League Chew. One time I opened my box of Apple Jacks to have a little cereal before an early morning exam and one of them was in there ravaging my cereal stash. When I tried to shut the box and throw it in the fireplace, the squirrel would simply fly out, do twelve summersaults and be in the other room in .04 seconds. They’d get into the dish washer, they’d be under the toilet seat, one time I found one nibbling on my Speed Stick.

So we started going on the defensive, every single night. Pretty much sleeping with one eye open, for fear one might slide up my butthole and pop my rear cherry at 3AM. It was sheer terror. The house was a duplex, and the guys upstairs just thought it was all real hilarious UNTIL the sugar ninjas figured out how to get up there. I’d be playing Mario Kart and I’d hear a blood curdling scream, sure enough, a squirrel had got into my dear roomate Nicholas’ snuggie as sugar plums danced in his head.

Around mid-December we decided to confront the owners of these demon squirrels, tell them they have got to go. Their response? C’mon man, I just need to spend a little more quality time with them, get to know them better. No joke that was the response. Quality time with a squirrel. Just unheard of stupidity. So the sugar gliders continued their reign of terror.

Then one day in December, I assume amidst a moment of clarity, they decided they’d try to sell the squirrels, make a little dough. I was like fuck yeah. At this point I was basically sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber constructed of steel wool blankets so they couldn’t get in and nibble my testes. So they start shopping them around. No easy task. Hey want a couple of demon flying squirrels? After about a week, for some godforsaken reason, a couple girls wanted to buy them. Maybe they were into kinky squirrel lesbo sex? I’m not sure. Unfortunately, the deal falls through. Later, I learned the asking price was like 12 grand. Just astronomically high. Girls didn’t want to pawn their Toyota Corolla to buy a couple squirrels, so they declined.

Again we slept in fear.

Finally, in a bizarre divine intervention one cold January night, we experienced a house fire and were forced to evacuate the building. Had to move out. All of us moved into studio apartments and nobody heard from the squirrels again. I like to think they burned to a crisp in the fire, but knowing they possessed ninja focus, they probably escaped to another nearby domicile and have been terrorizing the owners ever since.

The moral of the story, kids? Don’t buy sugar gliders. Don’t do it. Fucking don’t. They’ll ruin your life.

So fuck squirrels. Even if they’re cute and they can nibble on acorns and build nests and shit, they’re evil creatures.

– JD




One response

27 12 2012

Bwa ha ha… you can’t get rid of us that easily….

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