OW: Wait, So Ray Elbe’s Dick Snapped Off?

19 12 2012

ay-elbe

I was very hesitant to use this as today’s OW material, considering even now I’m sweating and extremely uncomfortable just thinking about the injury, but it’s too good to pass by. As I’m sure everybody has heard by now, earlier this week a story emerged about up-and-coming MMA fighter, Ray Elbe, “breaking his penis bone” during sex with his girlfriend. Here’s a link to the story. Don’t read it if you’re a dude. Trust me. Poke your eyes out and jump into oncoming traffic instead. Keep reading the mime though, we’re cool.

Apparently, through some unimaginable bad luck and a girlfriend who apparently has a undercarriage made of forged titanium, he fractured his dong and tore his urinary tract. He then tried to get up and run to the bathroom, didn’t quite make it there, passed out and smashed his face, breaking off a couple teeth.

Sorry, had to take a quick breather to cry for about 20 minutes. What kind of horrible shit did this guy do to deserve this? 

Basically Ray lived through every dude ever’s worst nightmare. Not only did he shatter his dick into 20 pieces, which I didn’t even know was possible, but he then passed out and smashed his face and to top things off, now the entire world knows about it. I’d rather contract AIDS from a rhino who makes me watch The Big Bang Theory for 48 hours straight.

The most obvious question everyone is wondering is how can you break your wiener bone? Last I checked, there isn’t a bone in there. We’ve heard of people pulling the groin muscle, maybe a lacerated scrotum, christ I’ve even heard of a man getting a line drive baseball to the testicles. But breaking your wang? Uncharted territory, folks. So to clear the air, yesterday Ray Ray made a youtube video describing his shaft fracture in great detail. Thanks Ray. Listen buddy, no man on earth wants to know how it happened. In fact, no man on earth wanted to know it happened, period. Too late for that I guess, oh well. Take Dr. JD’s advice, pop a walking cast on that trouser snake and RICE it up. You’ll be back in 6-8 weeks.

But since it’s an OW, we better take a look at how it went down. Ray claims his girl bounced a little too high. DUDE. Were you guys playing slam-ball? Did you mount a mini trampoline to your pelvis? Were you guys getting down in the diving pool at the Beijing Water Cube? It just makes no sense. In this day and age we through around the terms “dick wrecker” and “damn that chick would snap your dick off” a lot, but did anyone really think one day it would become a reality? I saw a picture of Ray’s gal pal and she doesn’t scream boner snapper like, ehh J-Woww does.

ray-elbe-girlfriend

Hold up, yeah she kind of does.

But, to make matters even worse, if that’s even possible at this point, I read this morning that Ray is looking to sell the pictures of his schlong injury to the highest bidder. Bro. Come on now. NOBODY wants to see those. And how do you have pictures of that? I mean I guess it’s an injury you don’t see every day but if my johnson was snapped in two I wouldn’t let anyone with a cell phone within 500 yards of me, let alone a camera. Nobody and I mean nobody is getting any Dorothea Lange angles on this trainwreck. Just sew er up and let’s never bring it up again.

I think it’s clear that Ray here is doing what most people do in shitty situations, life gave him a broken weenis and he’s making lemonade. Just like Columbus, or that one dude who invented the cotton gin, there has to be a first for everything. Ray is just a trailblazer for fractured dicks. It was only a matter of time before it happened to someone, right? Thank the LORD it wasn’t one of us. And Ray, do us all a major solid and burn those pictures.

– JD

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