OW Part 2: Christian and Samantha Sittin’ In A Tree

19 12 2012

original

K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes twitter rumors, then comes…getting married on Monday in a Hudson, WI courtroom?

Since today’s first OW left us all a bit unsettled in the wiener region, I figured I’d drop a part 2 because, hey why the hell not? Also because this news that Christian Ponder and Samantha Steele got married two days ago is some seriously depressing stuff. I’ve never heard of the Leader Telegram news source before, but you can punch yourself in the face if you think I’m not on the edge of my seat reading their article. Sammy Steele has been a mime favorite for months since her underrated hottie debut back in October. Just cute-ing up my television all fall long. From her awkward interview with Nick Saban to blowing the shit out of some sort of rams horn, she’s filled in for Erin Andrews and then some.

Sadly, though, it was made public in October that she was dating Minnesota Vikings suck-tastic quarterback, Christian Ponder. The world was shocked. How could it be? How could Sam settle for such a scrub? Does she realize he can’t throw a football more than ten yards? Apparently she does not. Well as it turns out, their relationship escalated rather quickly and just two days ago, they were officially hitched.

Son of a bitch.

What an idiot! Sounds super romantic too, Christian. In a courthouse in Hudson, WI? You couldn’t manage to give the little lady a fairytale wedding and instead drove her in your Chevy Tahoe to Hudson for a couple quick I do’s? Proves yet again that Christian Ponder is an all around terrible person.

Let’s look at the facts. Sam Steele started as a hostess at ESPN Zone in NYC, put in work, and more importantly was hot and next thing you know she’s a sideline reporter for ESPN. Rags to riches story if I’ve ever seen one. While Sam was slaving away in the kitchens at the ESPN Zone, working her way to the top like an American hero, Christian Ponder was in high school in the Dallas area putting up slightly above average numbers (note: this will be a trend in Christian’s life story). He then went to Florida State University where his only bowl win was the Champs Sports Bowl in 2008, and where he put up slightly above average numbers and was drafted by the Minnesota Vikings 12th overall in the 2011 NFL Draft. Most experts considered this a totally retarded pick, knowing the Vikings could’ve waited to get him in later rounds. Since he got the starting job with the Vikings in October of 2011, he’s been putting up slightly above average numbers (see the trend I was talking about) and by slightly above average I mean like just barely slightly above average. This season, for example, in which Christian has started every game, he’s averaging 180 yards per game and he’s thrown 14 TDs and 12 INTs. A real nice 78.6 quarterback rating.

Enough about Christian. The point I’m making is THE GUY DOESN’T DESERVE SAMANTHA STEELE!!! Sam deserves a QB rating of at least 95 or higher and that’s just science right there. I know, I know, Christian graduated from FSU in two years with a degree in finance and an MBA. Cool dude. Congrats. Keep that diploma, chances are you’re going to need it real soon. But JD, he’s led the Vikings to an 8-6 record and if the season ended today, a spot in a NFC wildcard game! Correction brocif, Adrian Peterson led the Vikings to the wildcard. Chrissy P has basically just been along for the ride. I think he put up 130 yards and no TDs last weekend? Hell of a game.

So sam, if you’re reading this, please tell me you snuck a pre-nup in there. Because in 10 years, scratch that 2 years, when you’ve cemented your status as the hottest sideline reporter ESPN has ever seen, your ass clown husband’s third string QB for the Jaguars contract runs out, and he’s forced to apply for a gig at H&R Block, you’ll probably want out. When that time comes, hit me up! My money long. Just kidding, I’m poor.

 

– JD

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