OW: A Better List of Terrible Things That Must End In 2013

12 12 2012

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As I’m killing the first half hour of the day this morning running through my usual rolodex of websites, I noticed a little list on Gawker called ’22 Terrible Things That Must End in 2013′. Seemed like a clever idea for an article, so I read it. Well surprise, surprise, the list sucked.  Shocking since apparently it was written by some guy named Cord Jefferson. Sweet name bruh. Chances are you suck when your name is something you can buy at Home Depot. Whatever, I’m not going to sit here and bash this dude’s name, what’s more important is his half assed list of “terrible” things that need to end in 2013. For starters, about half the stuff on the list isn’t even that bad. For example, he includes Dubstep, parody twitter accounts and talking about bacon. Ummm holmes, those are three pretty sweet things right there. Let’s take it easy on dubstep, and Skrillex in particular, dude just broke up with Ellie Goulding, he’s an emotional mess. Parody twitter accounts are freaking hilarious, take the recently created modern day Seinfeld one for example, and talking about bacon will never get old. Ever.

Here’s the deal, if you’re going to create a list of terrible shit that needs to end, you’ve got to include some actually terrible stuff that needs to end. Seems like a no brainer, but I guess when you’re named after an orange electric rope I use to plug in my christmas lights you might miss something big like that. And I’ll admit, Cordless Drill Jefferson had a few good ones in there. I wholeheartedly agree with exterminating toe shoes and the word swag from the face of the earth. But you’ve got to stay consistent, Corduroy Bear.

So to make things right in the internet universe, once again the Mime is here to save the day. What the fine folks at Gawker could not accomplish, the league of extraordinary gentlemen at TODM sure has hell can. So here’s a better list of terrible things that need to end in 2013. Read it and weep, planet earth.

1. The World

Environment__POST_APOCALYPSE_by_I_NetGraFX

Let’s get this one out of the way first. I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all fucked. Those crafty Mayans and their calendars and pyramids and sun gods better be goddamn right about the apocalypse. Either send Bruce Willis up there to blow up the asteroid before it smashes us all to pieces or just end this shit. Preferably with zombies. I really want to cap some zoms.

2. Dr. Pepper Commercials

Dr Pepper

We get it already. There’s 23 fuggin flavors in each can of Dr. Pepper. You’re not fooling anyone with this whole I’m one of a kind bullshit campaign. No, you’re not one of a kind. You work at Jiffy Lube. You just chugged a Dr. Pepper because it was the only thing left in the vending machine, not because it helps express your individuality. Never thought I’d say this, but go back to those Pauly Sr. commercials. I want to see his handlebar mustache murder a kid over soda.

3. Mice

gay-mice

Does anyone like mice? I mean besides owls and foxes because they eat them. They basically just scurry around and get into mischief and nibble through furniture. Not trying to waste my money on a bunch of mouse traps so I can murder them and throw them in the trash. Instead let’s gather hands around the world and wipe these squeaky bastards off the face of the earth.

4. The New Normal

new-normal

Ahh fuck, we’re NBC and we just realized Modern Family is all successful and shit because it embraces the new type of family complete with divorces and step kids and gay dudes. Hey here’s an idea, let’s copy the fuck out of it and emphasize the gay thing and the bitchy queen bee mom. Yeah! People will love it! Hell of a show. Oh wait. Not at all. Here’s the truth NBC, I see a 30 second spot for this show and next thing I know I’m on google typing in ‘how to buy a bucket of poison’.

5. Hummus

hummus

Has anyone ever sat back and actually tasted hummus? Tastes like flavorless oatmeal with sand in it. I’m convinced the only reason why chicks like it so much is they can dip delicious tasting crackers in it because it has very low trans fats. Newsflash ladies, the crackers taste good enough to overpower the ass taste of hummus. Arabs should stick to jihad and death to infidels and give up the hummus game.

6. Sideline Reporters

Andrea Kraemer

Deadspin had a great article on this a while back. They literally serve no purpose. None. The only exception is the hot ones, and even they’re numbers are dwindling. EA is an in-studio host on Fox now, Alex Flanagan is real hit or miss and Sam Steele is like the only one holding it down on ESPN any more. Hey guys, I asked the coach what they had to do differently to get back in this game, he said they have to limit turnovers and be more effective on offense, back to you!  Even worse is when they do the multi screen to interview an injured athlete on the sidelines. Yo Michele Tafoya, trying to watch this big 3rd and 8, not hear about James Harrison’s pre-game meal rituals.

7. $5.00 credit card minimums

5-Minimum-Charge-on-Credit-Card-Purchases

Here’s the deal Sandra at Citgo, I’m just trying to buy this diet coke so I won’t fall asleep in this conference call I’m about to go into and all I have on me is plastic. Not trying to throw two snickers and a pack of Parliaments in there to reach the minimum, it’s goddamn 7AM. Just take my damn business and then you can go back to talking on the phone about last nights episode of TMZ.

8. Christmas Shoes

christmas shoes

First of all, Patton Oswalt said it best. I can’t compete with that. Seriously though, it’s been like 12 years, I’m fairly certain nobody likes this song anymore. At first it was all, oh the little boy is buying shoes for his dead mom, its so touching! Now it’s like, holy christ this song sucks. We get it, the dude wasn’t in the Christmas mood so god sent the little boy to remind him what christmas was all about. Who deliberately puts this song on during the holidays anyways?? Fuck that Nat King Cole album, let’s toss Christmas Shoes on repeat, that way we’ll really get in the holiday spirit. 

9. Women Wearing These Hats

fidelhatblack

Last I checked, that style hat doesn’t even look good on my great uncle and he’s a goddamn Vietnam Vet. Ladies, plain and simple this type of hat looks flat out stupid. Like I’ve never seen a girl wearing one and been like, wow! That military style hat really makes her sexy. I like how I can’t see her eyes and I’m wondering at this point if she’s in ROTC. Hot. Standard baseball caps are cool, in fact some girls look really sexy in those. Military caps however, not so much.

10. Bob Costas on SNF

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He’s a broadcasting legend, I get it. Cool. Whenever the Olympics come around, get Bob on TV. I’m fine with that. Just please get rid of his pointless, smug halftime speech segment during Sunday Night Football. Adding Hines Ward to the mix hasn’t helped much either. Sweet Bob, you’re pissed about the Saints Bounty sanctions. Nobody cares. Go back to Coach Dungy and the gang in studio for ten minutes and let’s get back to football. No need for Bobby C’s infinite douchey-ness clogging up my TV.

11. 26.2 and 13.1 Bumperstickers

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I’m not even going to hate on marathon runners for this one. If you want to pay money to run so far you nearly kill yourself, get a shiny medal then brag about it to all your pals then go for it. But cut it out with the bumperstickers. I have a basic understanding of marathons. A marathon is 26.2 miles. A half marathon then is 13.1 miles. Don’t need to be Asian to crunch those numbers. So unless that 26.2 stands for number of hoagies you ate last night, nobody gives a shit.

12. Gotye

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If anyone on planet earth still likes this guy they should be thrown in a volcano. You’re song blows dude. Ease up on the xylophone and please, please, please don’t make any new music. I’m begging you.

13. Skinny Ties

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I’m still cool with skinny jeans. I don’t rock them myself, but I appreciate a good pair. It says I’m cool but at the same time I’m not at all. I like that. Skinny ties on the other hand need to go. Sweet dude you have a black fettuccini noodle hanging from your neck. How bout grow a pair and get a bugs bunny tie like the rest of us normal people.

14. Hacky Sacks

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Nothing against hack’n it up every now and then, just thinking hacky sacks have probably run their course by now. Hey wanna kick around this knit sack of pebbles with me? Nah, I’d rather do pretty much anything else. Alright cool.

15. Panini Makers

Panini Maker

 

I know like 7 people who’ve received a panini maker as a gift in the last few years and I’ve literally never seen any of them use it. Just kind of take up space. In reality, they’re kind of lame. Plus, not trying to take biz away from the panini maker people but check it guys – George Foreman grills work the exact same way.

 

I think 15 is a nice solid sounding number to end on. So take that, Cord. Now let’s hope that if the world doesn’t end in like 9 days, at least maybe a few of those 15 things will. Chances are slim, but I can dream can’t I?

 

– JD

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