NFL Coaches I Want to Punch, Part 1

11 12 2012



Yesterday night I’m watching the Patriots – Texans game, because my entire fantasy season was riding on the outcome and I expected it to be a pretty good matchup, and I found myself getting pretty pissed with Texas coach Gary Kubiak. While John Gruden was in the booth creaming himself for Kubiak’s “old school” approach to his game planning, Gary was calling a bunch of terrible plays mainly including not running the ball to Arian Foster. Listen, I kind of get it, Matt stump the Schaub has a cannon and he usually racks up a ton of yards a game. Here’s the thing though, he was throwing like a total idiot last night. Couldn’t make a throw to save his life. Missing guys left and right. Meanwhile, you happen to have, arguably, the best running back in the league and you gave him like 11 carries. At this point, it has to be fairly obvious that I have Arian Foster on my team and I needed him to beast it last night. Well he wound up having an ok night, and ok don’t cut it when you’re down 11 going against a guy with Wes Welker and Andre Johnson.

Needless to say, I fucking lost. But that’s not the point. The main point I’m driving at here is the realization I had that a large majority of NFL coaches are total dickheads. Hey, maybe it comes with the job, I mean a coach does have to control a team of angry man child beasts every single day of the season. To do that you need to have a head on your shoulders. But overall, it seems like most coaches would be royal pain in the dicks to hang out with for an hour.

To make matters weirder, for some reason this trend doesn’t seem to extend into other professional sports. In fact, most NBA coaches seem to me like alright dudes. Same goes for MLB managers. Can’t say for sure about NHL coaches because let’s be honest, I can name like two of them, tops.

So here’s a quick list of the top NFL coaches, in no particular order, I would very much like to kick in the wang. Enjoy.


Gary Kubiak



As I said, this guy is basically just asking to be punched in the face. Dude hand writes down every play on his Denny’s menu each week. Hey brah, I appreciate the dedication to the old fashioned way but if you got your hands on an Excel spreadsheet or three you’d probably have more time to prepare one of the most talented teams in the league to not get blown out on Monday Night Football.

Pete Carroll



Pete Carroll is the epitome of douche coach. Oh shit I just cheated my dick off at USC, oh well peace out homeys, I’m coaching the Seahawks now. His face is just asking for a bowling ball to smash it.

Norv Turner

Norv Turner


How Norval still has a head coaching job is one of the biggest mysteries of the modern world. Only thing I can think is he’s gotta be providing premium oral favors to the Chargers front office because every year the experts say oh shit! This is the Chargers’ year to win it all! And then every year they suck ass and do absolutely nothing in the post season. Norv’s neck also looks like what I expect the surface of Mars might look like.

Lovie Smith

Lovie Smith


First of all, dude you have the same name as Mr. Howell’s wife from Gilligan’s Island. Kind of gay. Second, your laid back low key don’t say much of anything no emotions approach is getting annoying as tits. Bro. You’re a goddamn head coach in the NFL. You control basically the most intense 3 hours of the week for all of Chicago. Act pumped a little bit. Christ.

Mike Smith

Mike Smith


Guy just seems like he’d tell a couple lame jokes about hookers, get pissed there’s no Makers Mark at your house and then spend the next four hours on his cell phone yelling at his teenage sons.

Rex Ryan

rex ryan


Those hilarious foot fetish videos that surfaced a year or so ago kind of swung the scales for a while, but in the long run even the creepiest foot banging footage can’t keep me from hating sexy Rexy. I’d imagine he’d smell like a Macaroni Grill and get pretty damn annoying pretty damn quick.

Tony Sparano

tony sparano


I know, technically he’s not a head coach any more, he’s an assistant. Doesn’t matter. I also know he basically scorched his eyeball off when he was 17 and that’s why he wears sunglasses. Doesn’t matter either. Get some cooler shades dude. Those fuckers look like the Talbots sunglasses my mom rocks. Maybe pull a Dog the Bounty Hunter? Wouldn’t even need a headset then. Or maybe a Hyde from That 70’s Show? Just wear something that doesn’t make you look like a total chode.

Mike Tice

Mike Tice


He’s not a head coach either but at this point I don’t care. Keep in mind I’ve personally met Mike Tice and trust me guy is a massive tool. Sweet hipster shades this season Mike. They look almost as good as your offense’s production. I will say the bears have nobody to blame but themselves for that. Ticey absolutely sucked dong as a head coach in Minnesota, why would he suddenly be a good offensive coordinator in Chicago? Makes absolutely no sense.

Mike Shanahan



Holy moses this guy looks like a bundle of fun huh? I can just see him finding out there’s no Allman Brothers on the iPod at a party and literally murdering the nearest person. Sweet hire of your son too. Guy’s totally qualified.


That’s all I’ve got for now. In reality I could probably go on forever if we include former head coaches. Maybe I’ll do a part two one of these days. Also know that there are a number of coaches I actually like. I’m looking at you Romeo Crennel. Guy just seems like he’d chuckle at all my jokes and then bust out the seven layer dip.


– JD




One response

3 01 2013
This Week In America’s Worst Jobs «

[…] line is, I criticize a lot of NFL coaches for being douches. But when you step back and think about it, they’re […]

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