Every Kiss Begins with…GAY? Who’s with me?

10 12 2012

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Time to dial up the romance because it’s that time of season again, folks. The most wonderful time of the year. That’s right, sappy jewelry store commercial season is in full force. Technically, it’s been upon us since mid November, but I’d say that not until the first or second week in December do the marketing gurus at jewelry store chains across the nation decide to turn things into overdrive. When you can’t flip on the TV for 5 minutes without some dick making it known that he went to Jared. When you can’t pop on a few re-runs of King of Queens without bursting into tears because of the beauty that is Jane Seymour’s Open Heart collection. You can’t check the score of the MNF game without back-to-back Helzberg ideal-cut diamond history lessons all up in your grill.

Sure, I get it. The holidays are the biggest time of the year for jewelry purchases. Dudes everywhere are scrambling to come up with a good gift idea for their lady, and falling back on some cubic zirconium diamonds is always a fool proof option. You can only buy so many scarf/hat/mitten combos or seasons of Glee on DVD before stepping up to some bling is necessary. So flooding these fellas with ads on ads on ads seems like a logical strategy for these jewelers. BUT. Here’s the thing. Every single jewelry store commercial caters to the emotional needs of women, not men. In fact, most of the commercials are so over the top cheesy men of all ages can’t fucking stand them.

You’d think if Zales wanted a ton of dudes to flock to their stores they’d throw together some ads that didn’t make every guy ever want to immediately light themselves on fire and jump into a vat of scorpions. Maybe an add or two like that one Victoria’s secret ad around valentines day?

WAIT. So if I go to Victoria’s Secret and buy a bunch of shit Adriana Lima will love me and let me eat dark chocolate off her nippies? WHERE ARE MY KEYS!? I’m driving there now.

See it’s that easy, jewelry stores. Now I’m sure they’ll say, hey our sales spike this time of year every year, we’re doing nothing wrong. Our commercials play to the beauty and romance of the season. To that I’d say, congrats. Here’s your goddamn gold star. Guess what though? You’re commercials don’t do that at all. They actually just make people kind of sick. It’s like the feeling you get when you see a really hefty couple tonguing each other at Chilis. Suddenly that chicken quesadilla doesn’t sound so good.

Maybe there’s a bunch of sensitive nancy boys out there that wet themselves for Kay Jewelers commercials and immediately hop in their Toyota Yaris to go buy their fiance a charm bracelet. I’m more in the thought pool that 99% of guys can’t stand the commercials and would rather pay a drifter to murder someone on the street and steal their diamond pendant then spend five minutes in a Zales picking out earrings.

 

Here are a few of my least most favorite jewelry commercials in rotation.

Guyyyyssss, it’s their first christmas as a family!

Hey baby, don’t mind the tornado that’s headed right for our cabin, peep this sweet necklace instead! So umm, we should bang now huh? PS – I’ll always be there.

Hey babe, I don’t seem to remember this partially broken park bench that smells like hobo urine and heroin…You will. Trust me. You will.

Santa shops at Kay my ass. Everyone knows Santa has an army of elves that could build a magnificent ring out of the biggest blood diamond ever at the drop of a hat. Then, if this commercial couldn’t get any less believable, it does. He drops a ring with like 400 carats and Mrs. Claus gives him a kiss on the cheek?? C’mon. Everyone knows Santa wouldn’t have that. Every make out sesh that leads to some 69’ing begins with Kay, Mrs. C, not every peck on the cheek. Jesus.

 

I think that’s about plenty, don’t you? By now you get the overall gist of the commercials. Buy jewelry at Kay and you’re the most romantic man of all time. Look on the bright side though, thanks to that last ad, we now know who’s responsible for these. Stern Advertising. Here’s their website. Looks like they dabble in Jared The Galleria of Jewelry ads too. So yeah, feel free to send a hastily written hate letter and/or stalk their president and kidnap his family. Whatever works.

Happy jewelry shopping to all the fellas. Just keep in mind if you go to Kay, we can’t be pals anymore.

– JD

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